Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
vaud said:
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."
"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"
"Five," replies the boy.
"And where will you live?" asks the mother.
"Well," says the boy, "Janie's room is bigger than my room, so we'll live in her room."
"How about expenses?" asks the father. "What are you going to do for money?"
"I get a dollar a week in allowance," says the lad, "and Janie gets seventy five cents. If we put them together we´ll be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"
"Well," says the boy, "we've been lucky so far."
The version I heard the punchline was "Nah, I'll just keep taking her up the arse""Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"
"Five," replies the boy.
"And where will you live?" asks the mother.
"Well," says the boy, "Janie's room is bigger than my room, so we'll live in her room."
"How about expenses?" asks the father. "What are you going to do for money?"
"I get a dollar a week in allowance," says the lad, "and Janie gets seventy five cents. If we put them together we´ll be okay."
"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"
"Well," says the boy, "we've been lucky so far."
RJO said:
RJO said:
Filton-flyer said:
I was in a band called The Prevention....
We were better than The Cure.
We reformed and called ourselves cellophane...We were better than The Cure.
We were rappers
We did rock covers
But we were s
t.Stealthracer said:
RJO said:
RJO said:
Filton-flyer said:
I was in a band called The Prevention....
We were better than The Cure.
We reformed and called ourselves cellophane...We were better than The Cure.
We were rappers
We did rock covers
But we were s
t.Johnny nips to the bathroom, after a while his mother asks if he is OK
Johnny says “I am OK mum don’t worry”
After a while, being a little concerned he has been on the loo so long she creeps upstairs, and listens outside of the bathroom and keeps hearing a thud.
She knocks on the door and enters, Johnny is still on the loo.
Mother asks him “Are you sure you are alright”
Just as Johnny replies, he bangs his head with a book and says he is OK
Mother asks “Why do you keep banging your head with that book”
Johhy replies “Well it works on Ketchup”
Johnny says “I am OK mum don’t worry”
After a while, being a little concerned he has been on the loo so long she creeps upstairs, and listens outside of the bathroom and keeps hearing a thud.
She knocks on the door and enters, Johnny is still on the loo.
Mother asks him “Are you sure you are alright”
Just as Johnny replies, he bangs his head with a book and says he is OK
Mother asks “Why do you keep banging your head with that book”
Johhy replies “Well it works on Ketchup”
Vipers said:
Johnny nips to the bathroom, after a while his mother asks if he is OK
Johnny says I am OK mum don t worry
After a while, being a little concerned he has been on the loo so long she creeps upstairs, and listens outside of the bathroom and keeps hearing a thud.
She knocks on the door and enters, Johnny is still on the loo.
Mother asks him Are you sure you are alright
Just as Johnny replies, he bangs his head with a book and says he is OK
Mother asks Why do you keep banging your head with that book
Johhy replies Well it works on Ketchup
I thought the punchline was going to be him having a wJohnny says I am OK mum don t worry
After a while, being a little concerned he has been on the loo so long she creeps upstairs, and listens outside of the bathroom and keeps hearing a thud.
She knocks on the door and enters, Johnny is still on the loo.
Mother asks him Are you sure you are alright
Just as Johnny replies, he bangs his head with a book and says he is OK
Mother asks Why do you keep banging your head with that book
Johhy replies Well it works on Ketchup
k 
In the days leading up to Christmas, everything started going wrong for Santa.
First, four of his best elves came down sick, and the trainees just couldn’t keep up.
Toy production slowed to a crawl, and Santa felt the pressure building.
Then Mrs Claus mentioned, ever so casually, “Santa… my mother is coming to stay with us for the holidays.”
That didn’t help his stress one bit.
When Santa went out to harness the reindeer, he discovered that three were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and wandered off into the snow somewhere.
Trying to stay calm, Santa began loading the sleigh — only for one of the floorboards to crack in half, sending the entire bag of toys tumbling to the ground and scattering everywhere.
Fed up, Santa stomped back inside for a cup of apple cider… with a little rum.
But when he opened the cupboard, he found that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
He sighed, reached for another jug of cider, and promptly dropped it, shattering it into a thousand pieces across the kitchen floor.
He went to grab the broom, only to discover that the mice had chewed all the straw off the end.
At that very moment, the doorbell rang.
An exhausted, irritated Santa yanked the door open — and there stood a little angel, smiling from ear to ear, holding a giant Christmas tree.
With the brightest voice imaginable, the angel chirped, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t it a wonderful day?
I brought you this beautiful Christmas tree! Now… where would you like me to stick it?”
And that, my friends, is how the tradition of putting the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began.
First, four of his best elves came down sick, and the trainees just couldn’t keep up.
Toy production slowed to a crawl, and Santa felt the pressure building.
Then Mrs Claus mentioned, ever so casually, “Santa… my mother is coming to stay with us for the holidays.”
That didn’t help his stress one bit.
When Santa went out to harness the reindeer, he discovered that three were about to give birth, and two had jumped the fence and wandered off into the snow somewhere.
Trying to stay calm, Santa began loading the sleigh — only for one of the floorboards to crack in half, sending the entire bag of toys tumbling to the ground and scattering everywhere.
Fed up, Santa stomped back inside for a cup of apple cider… with a little rum.
But when he opened the cupboard, he found that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
He sighed, reached for another jug of cider, and promptly dropped it, shattering it into a thousand pieces across the kitchen floor.
He went to grab the broom, only to discover that the mice had chewed all the straw off the end.
At that very moment, the doorbell rang.
An exhausted, irritated Santa yanked the door open — and there stood a little angel, smiling from ear to ear, holding a giant Christmas tree.
With the brightest voice imaginable, the angel chirped, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t it a wonderful day?
I brought you this beautiful Christmas tree! Now… where would you like me to stick it?”
And that, my friends, is how the tradition of putting the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began.
MartG said:
In the days leading up to Christmas, everything started going wrong for Santa.
[snip]
And that, my friends, is how the tradition of putting the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began.
[snip]
And that, my friends, is how the tradition of putting the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began.
Excellent. I too have been telling the same tale once a year for the past thirty years. These things must not be forgotten!Rayny said:
Vipers said:
Legacywr said:
I thought the punchline was going to be him having a wk
Strange how one s mind works k 
It's shocking to think just how your minds might be working...
Rayny said:
Rayny said:
Vipers said:
Legacywr said:
I thought the punchline was going to be him having a wk
Strange how one s mind works k It's shocking to think just how your minds might be working...
Legacywr said:
Rayny said:
Rayny said:
Vipers said:
Legacywr said:
I thought the punchline was going to be him having a wk
Strange how one s mind works k It's shocking to think just how your minds might be working...
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