Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[vaud]

A waitress asked me how I liked my coffee.


Naturally I said, “I like my coffee like I like my women.”


“Awe, how cute,” she replies, “But the coffee here is free. You don’t have to pay for it.”

[shed driver]

The pupils of your eyes are the last part of your body to continue working after death.

They dilate.

SD.

Sorry I couldn't make this joke any cornea.

[vaud]

shed driver said:

The pupils of your eyes are the last part of your body to continue working after death.

They dilate.

SD.

Sorry I couldn't make this joke any cornea.

I’m glad you have such a refined sense of vitreous humor, though I should probably stop before these jokes get too iris-ponsible.

[shed driver]

vaud said:

shed driver said:

The pupils of your eyes are the last part of your body to continue working after death.

They dilate.

SD.

Sorry I couldn't make this joke any cornea.

I m glad you have such a refined sense of vitreous humor, though I should probably stop before these jokes get too iris-ponsible.

Yes, put a lid on it.

SD.

[Rayny]

Another excellent run from Vaud - My favourite being the Russian stand up comedian.

[Still Mulling]

shed driver said:

vaud said:

shed driver said:

The pupils of your eyes are the last part of your body to continue working after death.

They dilate.

SD.

Sorry I couldn't make this joke any cornea.

I m glad you have such a refined sense of vitreous humor, though I should probably stop before these jokes get too iris-ponsible.

Yes, put a lid on it.

SD.

50 lashes each if you keep this up.

[Skyedriver]

vaud said:

"Guys, I think I screwed up."


Brilliant

Needs explaining to me.

[vaud]

Skyedriver said:

Needs explaining to me.

The first two asked for the regular kind of wishes. The third guy asked for silly things for his wishes, but only came to terms with it years later “I think I screwed up”

It’s surreal/zany along the lines of Monty Python; I found it hilarious but I get that it’s not to everyone’s taste. My 12 year old thought it was a classic dad joke and rolled her eyes, which going on last experience means it will be shared with all of her friends by break time.

[Jermy Claxon]

The "I screwed up joke" is funnier told in person, because you can do the ridiculous arm waving and head nodding actions with the punchline, adding at least 190% mirth.

[silverfoxcc]

Whenever someone come up to the counter and ask for burger and chips, i would ask 'Eat in or take away?
They would just swear at me and walk away
Twi days later I got the sack from te canteen in the prison

[Vipers]

Vaud, have you been confined to bed to have the time to find all the excellent jokes?

Keep up the good work.

[vaud]

Vipers said:

Vaud, have you been confined to bed to have the time to find all the excellent jokes?

Keep up the good work.

Thanks. Been at work… will find more.

[Rayny]

vaud said:

Vipers said:

Vaud, have you been confined to bed to have the time to find all the excellent jokes?

Keep up the good work.

Thanks. Been at work will find more.

Work is good for you - It means that you pay taxes which pay my pension, so that I don't have to work.

Kittens time:
I've been re-reading the joke about needing two more girls for a threesome.
Did you mean two girls, or is the joke about a lesbian threesome

[Stealthracer]

shed driver said:

vaud said:

shed driver said:

The pupils of your eyes are the last part of your body to continue working after death.

They dilate.

SD.

Sorry I couldn't make this joke any cornea.

I m glad you have such a refined sense of vitreous humor, though I should probably stop before these jokes get too iris-ponsible.

Yes, put a lid on it.

SD.

And that wasn't even one of his own jokes.

It was Len's.


(I should know, he's one of my pupils.)

[Kenty]

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me, my dear, my stomach aches and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"
And then she switched on the light. "No ma'am." said the Gardener.

[Newc]

"Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me, I think I'm turning into a moth."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm a cardiologist. You need to see a psychiatrist. Why did you come to me ?"



"Your light was on."

[Avenicus]

This thread delivers and is so much improved in the last few weeks

[captain_cynic]

I recently turned 40, now I hate the west and wish death to all the Infidels.

I'm having a mid life Isis.

[Monkeylegend]

The only time we will know whether we had a mid life crisis is just before we die.

[shed driver]

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my tattoos.

It's nice to give her a shoulder to crayon.

SD.