Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
An American woman approaching 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never had sex with a woman before.
She takes out a personal ad and soon begins corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the fun.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room I can get!"
She takes out a personal ad and soon begins corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the fun.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room I can get!"
Two women go out one night without their husbands.
On the way home, just before dawn, and very drunk, they realize they have to pee. The only place available is a nearby cemetery, so despite being scared they decide to stop there anyway.
The first woman pees, but has nothing to pat herself with, so takes her panties off, uses them, then throws them away.
The second woman says she’s not going to throw her panties away, so takes a ribbon off a floral piece on a grave nearby and uses that.
The next morning the two husbands are talking on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the lookout; it seems our wives were up to no good last night. My wife came home without any panties." The other husband responds, “You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her rear end that read, ‘We will never forget you.’
On the way home, just before dawn, and very drunk, they realize they have to pee. The only place available is a nearby cemetery, so despite being scared they decide to stop there anyway.
The first woman pees, but has nothing to pat herself with, so takes her panties off, uses them, then throws them away.
The second woman says she’s not going to throw her panties away, so takes a ribbon off a floral piece on a grave nearby and uses that.
The next morning the two husbands are talking on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the lookout; it seems our wives were up to no good last night. My wife came home without any panties." The other husband responds, “You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her rear end that read, ‘We will never forget you.’
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset, but there isn’t much they can do about it.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire. "Damn man! How long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Maybe my wife was feeling a little guilty about not letting me go with you guys, but I was sitting in my chair and she came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said all sexy like, 'Guess who?’
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. "She grabbed my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, ‘Now, do whatever you want!’”
“So here I am.”
Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset, but there isn’t much they can do about it.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire. "Damn man! How long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Maybe my wife was feeling a little guilty about not letting me go with you guys, but I was sitting in my chair and she came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said all sexy like, 'Guess who?’
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. "She grabbed my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, ‘Now, do whatever you want!’”
“So here I am.”
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." ( you need to be old enough to understand that one)
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. said "I careered off the
road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Tim Vine.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." ( you need to be old enough to understand that one)
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. said "I careered off the
road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Tim Vine.
Alpacaman said:
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." ( you need to be old enough to understand that one)
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. said "I careered off the
road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Tim Vine.
You've spoiled my opportunity for a (slightly) witty reply with your source acknowledgement: They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." ( you need to be old enough to understand that one)
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. said "I careered off the
road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Tim Vine.
"You are Tim Vine and I claim my free Flag Hippo!"
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
vaud said:
Woman talking to a police officer.?
Woman: "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"?
Police Officer: "Yes"?
Woman: "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"?
Police Officer: "No"?
Woman: "Well, I think you're a
."
This is fact, in the navy, my pal said to our boss, a Lt, "Sir if I called you a Woman: "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"?
Police Officer: "Yes"?
Woman: "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"?
Police Officer: "No"?
Woman: "Well, I think you're a
." would you put me on a charge?""Yes I would"
My pal responded "But I can think it sir".
Vipers said:
vaud said:
Woman talking to a police officer.?
Woman: "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"?
Police Officer: "Yes"?
Woman: "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"?
Police Officer: "No"?
Woman: "Well, I think you're a."
This is fact, in the navy, my pal said to our boss, a Lt, "Sir if I called you a Woman: "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"?
Police Officer: "Yes"?
Woman: "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"?
Police Officer: "No"?
Woman: "Well, I think you're a
." would you put me on a charge?""Yes I would"
My pal responded "But I can think it sir".
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