Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A mortician has a friend that is a taxidermist. The taxidermist tells him, “ Cut the man’s pecker off every time you embalm a man and I will make you something”. So the mortician does that and gets a closet full and takes them to the taxidermist. A few weeks later, the taxidermist calls him and tells him he’s got it ready. He goes to pick it up in the taxidermist hands him a wallet. He says all in peckers I gave you and all you could make me was a wallet? The taxidermist tells him, rub it three times and it turns into a suitcase.
vaud said:
I've been away in Cambridge with old friends. I will be back tomorrow.
Some women like their men like coffee - hot, dark and strong.
My wife prefers them like tea - in a bag and under water.
Cambridge is good.Some women like their men like coffee - hot, dark and strong.
My wife prefers them like tea - in a bag and under water.
Friends are good.
In Cambridge with friends should be very good.
It's also good that your wife likes her men in a bag under water - The other possibility is that she wants her husband in a bag and under water
Beautiful but hot Sunday morning and the husband is excited to play a round of golf. The wife reminds him that they have a wedding in the afternoon so he has to be home to leave by noon so he can only play 9 holes. As promised The man plays only nine, goes to the clubhouse to shower and proceeds to drive home. On the way he spots a beautiful young woman at the side of the road, hood up, having car trouble. After providing assistance she graciously invites him back to the house for a cold drink. One thing leads to another when the man notices the time on his watch, gets dressed fast and speeds home. The wife is furious. He says” we have always been honest in our marriage” and proceeds to tell her what happened. The wife screams back at him “ you G-D liar, you played 18 didn’t you!”
Bloke's walking along minding his own business when a funny-looking chap jumps out from behind a bush and says 'Remember Sean Connery!' before disappearing down the street.
Later that day the bloke looks out of his front window and sees the same funny-looking chap, who shouts out at him 'Remember Sean Connery!!' then scarpers around the corner.
'Right' the man thinks, 'I've just about had enough of this' and storms off down the police station where he tells the desk sergeant that he's being stalked by a funny-looking chap.
Copper goes 'Can you give me a description?' and the bloke replies 'Well, he reminds me of Sean Connery'.
Later that day the bloke looks out of his front window and sees the same funny-looking chap, who shouts out at him 'Remember Sean Connery!!' then scarpers around the corner.
'Right' the man thinks, 'I've just about had enough of this' and storms off down the police station where he tells the desk sergeant that he's being stalked by a funny-looking chap.
Copper goes 'Can you give me a description?' and the bloke replies 'Well, he reminds me of Sean Connery'.
Edited by GloverMart on Tuesday 10th February 05:57
Seen on a train this morning.
Chap sitting near the toilet, saw the ticket collector checking tickets, and suddenly ran into the loo.
Ticket collector knocked as he went past and asked for his ticket
The block shouted back, I am having a crap'
Ticket collector wise to this excuse calmy said..'Heard it before Sir, just slip it under the door'.
Bloke replies ' No problem the yellow bits are sweetcorn'
Chap sitting near the toilet, saw the ticket collector checking tickets, and suddenly ran into the loo.
Ticket collector knocked as he went past and asked for his ticket
The block shouted back, I am having a crap'
Ticket collector wise to this excuse calmy said..'Heard it before Sir, just slip it under the door'.
Bloke replies ' No problem the yellow bits are sweetcorn'
The teacher wants to show the class how harmful alcohol is. She takes two glasses: one with water, one with schnapps. She puts a worm in each glass. The worm in the water swims happily around, while the worm in the schnapps writhes briefly and then sinks dead to the bottom.
"Now, children," asks the teacher, "what can we learn from this?"
Little Johnny immediately answers: "If you drink schnapps, you won't get worms!"
"Now, children," asks the teacher, "what can we learn from this?"
Little Johnny immediately answers: "If you drink schnapps, you won't get worms!"
A French policeman stops the Englishman’s car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
“No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you realise that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?”
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
“No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you realise that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?”
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