Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
I mistook this thread for the "Quirks of being a Cunning Linguist" thread
Back to some jokes (well, a joke):
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon.
Back to some jokes (well, a joke):
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon.
Mammasaid said:
Ultra Sound Guy said:
flames!
Chapeau 
A man was lost in the desert...
He hadn't eaten or drank for 3 days and was close to giving up.
He sees what looks like an Eskimo coming towards him. He rubs his eyes, sure that he's hallucinating but as they get closer, it still looks like an Eskimo!
The man asks the Eskimo 'can you help me, I'm lost?'
The Eskimo replies 'you think you're fecking lost??!'
He hadn't eaten or drank for 3 days and was close to giving up.
He sees what looks like an Eskimo coming towards him. He rubs his eyes, sure that he's hallucinating but as they get closer, it still looks like an Eskimo!
The man asks the Eskimo 'can you help me, I'm lost?'
The Eskimo replies 'you think you're fecking lost??!'
3 British soldiers were on a safari trip and got captured by a tribe deep in the jungle.
Once they were brought before the tribe leader, he told them:
“I will give you a chance to leave this jungle alive. You each must find 5 of the same fruit in this place and bring it before me to earn your freedom.”
The soldiers thought this was an amazing deal and all went on their ways collecting fruit.
The first soldier came back with 5 apples and was told by the tribal leader.
“you must now stick all of the 5 apples into your anus, without making a noise, and you will be a free man”
The soldier got to the 3rd apple before he let out a bloodcurdling scream and was stabbed to death quickly by the tribe.
The second soldier then arrived with 5 blueberries and was told the same thing. He got to the 4th blueberry before he burst into laughter and met the same fate as the first soldier.
Up in heaven, the first soldier meets with the second soldier and says:
“You had blueberries! You could’ve survived! Why the hell would you laugh!?”
“I saw the last guy come back with pineapples.”
Once they were brought before the tribe leader, he told them:
“I will give you a chance to leave this jungle alive. You each must find 5 of the same fruit in this place and bring it before me to earn your freedom.”
The soldiers thought this was an amazing deal and all went on their ways collecting fruit.
The first soldier came back with 5 apples and was told by the tribal leader.
“you must now stick all of the 5 apples into your anus, without making a noise, and you will be a free man”
The soldier got to the 3rd apple before he let out a bloodcurdling scream and was stabbed to death quickly by the tribe.
The second soldier then arrived with 5 blueberries and was told the same thing. He got to the 4th blueberry before he burst into laughter and met the same fate as the first soldier.
Up in heaven, the first soldier meets with the second soldier and says:
“You had blueberries! You could’ve survived! Why the hell would you laugh!?”
“I saw the last guy come back with pineapples.”
A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.
His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seductively. The husband, looking sad and dejected, drops his pants, and says “Sweetheart, look what the Germans blew away.”
His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seductively. The husband, looking sad and dejected, drops his pants, and says “Sweetheart, look what the Germans blew away.”
Can you call the American President a fool?
A man was recently arrested for calling a fool due to his attacking Iran.
The next day in Congress, the Democrats were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the President a fool"?
The reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the President a fool. but for letting out a state secret in a time of war".
A man was recently arrested for calling a fool due to his attacking Iran.
The next day in Congress, the Democrats were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the President a fool"?
The reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the President a fool. but for letting out a state secret in a time of war".
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"
The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.
She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear"
The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick English dictionary.
"Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom"
The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition.
"Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes.
Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing."
The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes.
About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile.
"Don't worry class!" she rejoices,
"That one is American English"
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"
The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.
She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear"
The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick English dictionary.
"Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom"
The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition.
"Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes.
Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing."
The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes.
About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile.
"Don't worry class!" she rejoices,
"That one is American English"
Doctors on the Wirral have made a call to the victims of the Hantavirus
'Don't worry, we have made some very special preparations for your arrival, you will each have your own isolation room with direct phone access to a virology unit, your every need will be taken care of, even specialist food, melba toast and Kraft cheese slices.'
'We haven't heard of that before, will that help us to get better?'
'No, but it is all we can get under the door'.
'Don't worry, we have made some very special preparations for your arrival, you will each have your own isolation room with direct phone access to a virology unit, your every need will be taken care of, even specialist food, melba toast and Kraft cheese slices.'
'We haven't heard of that before, will that help us to get better?'
'No, but it is all we can get under the door'.
The king wanted to go fishing, so he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.
On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides,
I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The king and queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.
On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides,
I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.
The king and queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
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