Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
An old gentleman is telling his grandson about his game hunting days in Africa.
"Well there I was stalking this massive tiger in the undergrowth when this huge beast came charging out towards me, and ,phwoar, I shat myself"
"I think I would have shat myself also " said his grandson.
"No, not then "replied the Grandfather, "just now when I said phwoar"
"Well there I was stalking this massive tiger in the undergrowth when this huge beast came charging out towards me, and ,phwoar, I shat myself"
"I think I would have shat myself also " said his grandson.
"No, not then "replied the Grandfather, "just now when I said phwoar"
New definitions:
Arboretum – dockside restaurant.
Archery – crap fiction.
Asphalt – reason for bringing a court case against an ageing celebrity.
Bedouin – prize in a furniture competition.
Cartoon – Geordie name for Detroit.
Char lady – Joan of Arc.
Childhood – young criminal.
Clarity – like a Bordeaux.
Decade – Ant.
Decide – part of Cheshire.
Diabolic – male version of the vagazzle.
Ejaculate – what a Yorkshireman says to someone called Jack when he fails to arrive on time.
Equinox – how you know there’s a horse at the door.
Frogspawn – French obscene literature.
Flirt – what a boat does in Hull.
Glamorgan – another male version of the vagazzle.
Golden Syrup – blonde wig.
Horlicks – what you get for about thirty quid.
(I'm sorry, I haven't a clue where these came from.)
Arboretum – dockside restaurant.
Archery – crap fiction.
Asphalt – reason for bringing a court case against an ageing celebrity.
Bedouin – prize in a furniture competition.
Cartoon – Geordie name for Detroit.
Char lady – Joan of Arc.
Childhood – young criminal.
Clarity – like a Bordeaux.
Decade – Ant.
Decide – part of Cheshire.
Diabolic – male version of the vagazzle.
Ejaculate – what a Yorkshireman says to someone called Jack when he fails to arrive on time.
Equinox – how you know there’s a horse at the door.
Frogspawn – French obscene literature.
Flirt – what a boat does in Hull.
Glamorgan – another male version of the vagazzle.
Golden Syrup – blonde wig.
Horlicks – what you get for about thirty quid.
(I'm sorry, I haven't a clue where these came from.)
Stealthracer said:
(I'm sorry, I haven't a clue where these came from.)
I still love"Countryside - to kill Piers Morgan" - Stephen Fry
also "Van Goghs works were once displayed here, people travelled from all around to see them and ask questions like how did he learn this talent, what meaning is behind the works, and what could drive a man to cut off his own ear? … Colin Sell is at the piano"
Stealthracer said:
New definitions:
Arboretum dockside restaurant.
Archery crap fiction.
Asphalt reason for bringing a court case against an ageing celebrity.
Bedouin prize in a furniture competition.
Cartoon Geordie name for Detroit.
Char lady Joan of Arc.
Childhood young criminal.
Clarity like a Bordeaux.
Decade Ant.
Decide part of Cheshire.
Diabolic male version of the vagazzle.
Ejaculate what a Yorkshireman says to someone called Jack when he fails to arrive on time.
Equinox how you know there s a horse at the door.
Frogspawn French obscene literature.
Flirt what a boat does in Hull.
Glamorgan another male version of the vagazzle.
Golden Syrup blonde wig.
Horlicks what you get for about thirty quid.
(I'm sorry, I haven't a clue where these came from.)
I bet there are a load more in the same place.Arboretum dockside restaurant.
Archery crap fiction.
Asphalt reason for bringing a court case against an ageing celebrity.
Bedouin prize in a furniture competition.
Cartoon Geordie name for Detroit.
Char lady Joan of Arc.
Childhood young criminal.
Clarity like a Bordeaux.
Decade Ant.
Decide part of Cheshire.
Diabolic male version of the vagazzle.
Ejaculate what a Yorkshireman says to someone called Jack when he fails to arrive on time.
Equinox how you know there s a horse at the door.
Frogspawn French obscene literature.
Flirt what a boat does in Hull.
Glamorgan another male version of the vagazzle.
Golden Syrup blonde wig.
Horlicks what you get for about thirty quid.
(I'm sorry, I haven't a clue where these came from.)
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"
Daisy, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Daisy perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short.
The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Stop drinking and get off the merry-go-round!
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.
Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.
Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
A: Sparky.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 9 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
Fun fact: If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you'd be a f
king weirdo.
I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.
When characters in the movies go underwater, I like to hold my breath to see how long I can last. I almost died in Finding Nemo.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined £10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined £20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you £10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offense is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I am schizophrenic and so am I.
Female teens in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.''
A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.
My mum drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she's a sodamasochist.*
* Actually she is dead, never let me have Coke, but that would ruin the "joke"
A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"
Daisy, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Daisy perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short.
The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Stop drinking and get off the merry-go-round!
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.
Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.
Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
A: Sparky.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 9 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
Fun fact: If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you'd be a f
king weirdo.I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.
When characters in the movies go underwater, I like to hold my breath to see how long I can last. I almost died in Finding Nemo.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined £10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined £20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you £10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offense is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I am schizophrenic and so am I.
Female teens in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.''
A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.
My mum drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she's a sodamasochist.*
* Actually she is dead, never let me have Coke, but that would ruin the "joke"
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