Cracking retorts....
Discussion
Quite some years ago, when my younger son was about ten and his brother a couple of years older we were at Brands Hatch watching the racing. I have a feeling it must have been the Touring Cars, there were an awful lot of people there.
We were at the top of Paddock Hill and between races we all decided it would be good time to go and have a pee. In those days (still might be for all I know) there was a big old gents alongside the Kentagon, so in we go. It was packed out. It was a pretty crude arrangement, too - just a trough down one side and everybody lined up along its length. If you were unfortunate enough to be at the drain hole end, the pee was running past about four inches deep. We waited our turn, held our breath and stepped forward.
After we had completed our business, we walked away and I said to the boys, "I don't think I'll bother washing my hands - I reckon my dick's about the cleanest thing in here." Whereupon, the ten year old pipes up, loud as you like, "That's 'cos it never gets used."
Everyone within earshot started cracking up, and I'm looking at the little so and so wondering where the devil he got that from!
We were at the top of Paddock Hill and between races we all decided it would be good time to go and have a pee. In those days (still might be for all I know) there was a big old gents alongside the Kentagon, so in we go. It was packed out. It was a pretty crude arrangement, too - just a trough down one side and everybody lined up along its length. If you were unfortunate enough to be at the drain hole end, the pee was running past about four inches deep. We waited our turn, held our breath and stepped forward.
After we had completed our business, we walked away and I said to the boys, "I don't think I'll bother washing my hands - I reckon my dick's about the cleanest thing in here." Whereupon, the ten year old pipes up, loud as you like, "That's 'cos it never gets used."
Everyone within earshot started cracking up, and I'm looking at the little so and so wondering where the devil he got that from!
havoc said:
"Looks more like an alembic to me..."
:runsandhides:
In the checkout queue of my local supermarket; Slightly rotund middle aged guy starts bagging up the sugary items in front of him. The young woman on the till throws a b
hy glance across at her colleague before commenting (to the customer) 'you'll get fat eating all that sugary food'. Without pausing or looking up he replied 'I see you speak from experience'.
hy glance across at her colleague before commenting (to the customer) 'you'll get fat eating all that sugary food'. Without pausing or looking up he replied 'I see you speak from experience'. Certainly not cracking, debatable if they were even funny, but just a couple that I recall ad libbing when I was driving a black cab in London;
Once, taking a guy to the H.Q. of the Football Association when it was in Soho Sq., also when Soho Sq. was two way.
I approached from Carlisle St., the F.A. was straight across on the other side of the square, I could turn right or left, go around the square and drop him off.
I opted for left, as then he'd get out on the left of the taxi, there couldn't have been one metre in the difference between going left or right.
As I headed toward the French Protestant Church building, he said, "This is a funny way to go", I replied, "Then why aren't you laughing?"
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
Once, taking a guy to the H.Q. of the Football Association when it was in Soho Sq., also when Soho Sq. was two way.
I approached from Carlisle St., the F.A. was straight across on the other side of the square, I could turn right or left, go around the square and drop him off.
I opted for left, as then he'd get out on the left of the taxi, there couldn't have been one metre in the difference between going left or right.
As I headed toward the French Protestant Church building, he said, "This is a funny way to go", I replied, "Then why aren't you laughing?"
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
Four of us sat in the canteen at work eating dinner, one of which is the angriest man on earth. Were all finishing up and one of mates said "anyone getting a pudding?"
Angry man says " No, I don't like them!"
Mate replies instantly " How d'you get that shape then?"
Angry man does a double take, goes red fit to burst then literally was lost for words luckily while were in tears .
Good job as he was notorious for losing it in a big way.
Angry man says " No, I don't like them!"
Mate replies instantly " How d'you get that shape then?"
Angry man does a double take, goes red fit to burst then literally was lost for words luckily while were in tears .
Good job as he was notorious for losing it in a big way.
Not my own but did use it the other day when a pal and i were talking and got interrupted by a rather insistent individual
who couldnt catch on he easnt needed with us.
So i turned to him and said
'My people skills are fine but my tolerance level dealing with idiots needs improving... Please fk off'
who couldnt catch on he easnt needed with us.
So i turned to him and said
'My people skills are fine but my tolerance level dealing with idiots needs improving... Please f
k off'A colleague of mine turned up at a social event with a girlfriend who was (for him) surprisingly glamourous. A female colleague who clearly fancied herself as a femme fatale said to him 'aren't you computer geeks supposed to go for frumpy dowdy girls with no dress sense?' He replied straight away 'so what are you doing tonight'?
TheLuke said:
80quattro said:
A good one I heard recently was in the context of someone trying to get an idea across to someone, with little success. He said 'I would explain in more detail, but I have neither the time or the crayons'.
One of my favourite's this.When dealing with annoying people in the past I have used similar often saying, "If you carry on like this, tomorrow I will let you try colouring between the lines and then maybe you could move on to some joined up writing."
Vocal Minority said:
80quattro said:
A good one I heard recently was in the context of someone trying to get an idea across to someone, with little success. He said 'I would explain in more detail, but I have neither the time or the crayons'.
Aaaaaaand stolen
A few years ago I said to my now former boss, "I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you."
She was a thicko. Lasted 1 year as my boss. Longest 12 months I've ever had!
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