Cracking retorts...
Discussion
WJNB said:
PR350 said:
I was walking along with a couple of mates between pubs (as you do) a couple of months back and 5 or 6 chav kids/teenagers on bikes "buzzed" us and one shouts "you fat fukkers" as he passed.
I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
Very clever. Next time you do that you may well find yourself at the end of a knife or two. This is 2020 not 1950. Sometimes keeping yer gob shut & risking being accused of being a coward is the best way to stay alive or with most of your limbs & brain cell intact. I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
Sir you're drunk.
Madam you're ugly, but in the morning I'll be sober.
H
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
[/quote]
On the slim chance that any of that is true I'd say you were lucky you weren't reported.
Johnspex said:
H
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
On the slim chance that any of that is true I'd say you were lucky you weren't reported.Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
Stan the Bat said:
Johnspex said:
H
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
On the slim chance that any of that is true I'd say you were lucky you weren't reported.Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
Frank7 said:
Certainly not cracking, debatable if they were even funny, but just a couple that I recall ad libbing when I was driving a black cab in London;
Once, taking a guy to the H.Q. of the Football Association when it was in Soho Sq., also when Soho Sq. was two way.
I approached from Carlisle St., the F.A. was straight across on the other side of the square, I could turn right or left, go around the square and drop him off.
I opted for left, as then he'd get out on the left of the taxi, there couldn't have been one metre in the difference between going left or right.
As I headed toward the French Protestant Church building, he said, "This is a funny way to go", I replied, "Then why aren't you laughing?"
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
You were right, it was a Frank story.Once, taking a guy to the H.Q. of the Football Association when it was in Soho Sq., also when Soho Sq. was two way.
I approached from Carlisle St., the F.A. was straight across on the other side of the square, I could turn right or left, go around the square and drop him off.
I opted for left, as then he'd get out on the left of the taxi, there couldn't have been one metre in the difference between going left or right.
As I headed toward the French Protestant Church building, he said, "This is a funny way to go", I replied, "Then why aren't you laughing?"
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
My response was just a copy of his response to someone else earlier today.
I don't think I've posted this before (apologies of I have) but my best one ever was whilst at university, which is a long time ago now.
I was going into the university main building and there was a young lady behind me so I opened the door and held it open for her to go through (I was brought up proper like). She stopped and said 'I'm a feminist, you can go first', I duly went through first and, as I shut the door in her face I said 'If you're that much of a feminist you can f**king well open it too!'
I've always been quite proud of that one.
I was going into the university main building and there was a young lady behind me so I opened the door and held it open for her to go through (I was brought up proper like). She stopped and said 'I'm a feminist, you can go first', I duly went through first and, as I shut the door in her face I said 'If you're that much of a feminist you can f**king well open it too!'
I've always been quite proud of that one.
Halloween in work and I walked into the department to see my staff all in costume 
One of the girls who is much easier on the eye was dressed as a black cat and we got on great so she purred at me as I walked by and twirled her tail so I said "Nice Pussy!"
Needy fat girl evil b
h (always causing problems foe someone) who was in a black dress and a pointy hat with green makeup on said loudly "Can you see what I've come as " and without breaking stride or looking back I said " oh, sorry Amy, I didn't realise you were in fancy dress".
The department erupted in laughter and I had a sulky member of staff for several days. Still, we all enjoyed the peace and quiet
One of the girls who is much easier on the eye was dressed as a black cat and we got on great so she purred at me as I walked by and twirled her tail so I said "Nice Pussy!"
Needy fat girl evil b
h (always causing problems foe someone) who was in a black dress and a pointy hat with green makeup on said loudly "Can you see what I've come as " and without breaking stride or looking back I said " oh, sorry Amy, I didn't realise you were in fancy dress".The department erupted in laughter and I had a sulky member of staff for several days. Still, we all enjoyed the peace and quiet
Enut said:
I don't think I've posted this before (apologies of I have) but my best one ever was whilst at university, which is a long time ago now.
I was going into the university main building and there was a young lady behind me so I opened the door and held it open for her to go through (I was brought up proper like). She stopped and said 'I'm a feminist, you can go first', I duly went through first and, as I shut the door in her face I said 'If you're that much of a feminist you can f**king well open it too!'
I've always been quite proud of that one.
Ah yes, Uni quotes. I was going into the university main building and there was a young lady behind me so I opened the door and held it open for her to go through (I was brought up proper like). She stopped and said 'I'm a feminist, you can go first', I duly went through first and, as I shut the door in her face I said 'If you're that much of a feminist you can f**king well open it too!'
I've always been quite proud of that one.
Was chatting a bird up in the bar when visiting a mate at Cambridge Uni, and when she found out I was doing a boring tech degree at Barnsley Poly, she started slagging me off.
"What you doing then pet?" I asked her.
"English" she replied.
"How is it going for you" I enquire, acting all thoughtful and showing lots of empathy and doing lots of matching body movements etc to show that I was really interested in her intellectually, as a person and that I wasn't just generally staring at her tits.
"Oh, OK, struggling a bit, only on for a 2:2 this term".
At this point the literal Northerner in me came out.
"Funk me, you can't even get a 1st in your native language, that really is thick!".
I got my pint thrown over me for that so I presume it was a retort of such quality that the truth hurt. Copped off with her mate as well instead so result! (Or re-slut, cripes, the sex education they teach them Cambridge lassies, never had such a night before or since...she brought me off so many times by the end of the night all my chap could do was dribble like Stephen Hawking, I was so frazzled and worn out, like a raw pepperami it was).
WJNB said:
PR350 said:
I was walking along with a couple of mates between pubs (as you do) a couple of months back and 5 or 6 chav kids/teenagers on bikes "buzzed" us and one shouts "you fat fukkers" as he passed.
I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
Very clever. Next time you do that you may well find yourself at the end of a knife or two. This is 2020 not 1950. Sometimes keeping yer gob shut & risking being accused of being a coward is the best way to stay alive or with most of your limbs & brain cell intact. I'd had a couple of shandies by then and just shouted back without think "yeah, well you're stupid and ugly and at least I can lose weight, you'll alwys be like that."
Cue round of applause from a group of people outside the pub we were passing and my mates looking at me in disbelief (I did shout it rather loudly)
East end of Glasgow for you though.
OldGermanHeaps said:
A mate had his face sliced open with a stanley knife last week for shouting back at 2 guys who were shouting abuse at him from a car when he was walking home from the pub.
East end of Glasgow for you though.
As a father of a teenage son and daughter its the son I spend more time stressing about when hes out on his own for reasons just like this. When I was young it was accepted that one of your group would get beaten up or worse on a night out. Serious assaults on girls grab the headlines but lads get far more grief.East end of Glasgow for you though.
Cheers
Stan the Bat said:
Johnspex said:
H
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
On the slim chance that any of that is true I'd say you were lucky you weren't reported.Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
It wasn’t big and it wasn’t clever, but it somehow stupidly seemed right at the time, I now totally accept that it wasn’t.
With the benefit of hindsight, which we all know is 20/20, I should have done what I always did if someone approached me on a rank and for whatever reason, I didn’t fancy them, and this was ALWAYS before they had the chance to give me a destination.
I’d extinguish the TAXI light, and say, “Sorry, I’ve just got a radio job, take the guy behind”, and stroke the accelerator and drive away.
On the occasion at Paddington, I’d probably spent 20 odd minutes shuffling forward on the rank and was loath to leave without a job in the back, so I said a dumb thing to the two guys with a cigar, and took the next job in the queue.
It’s true, they could have reported me, and I’d have had no defence, but as there were plenty of taxis there, they no doubt shrugged it off, fortunately for me.
I carried on blanking cigar smokers, but I tried to be diplomatically polite after that.
I received a crushing put down once once but as it was
based on a very Northern/'50s word, I'll have to explain.
I drew a blank in the Urban Dictionary but I apologise
if any grandmothers are being taught how to suck eggs.
I'd bought a Gilbern Invader Mk.2, which had the
3-litre Ford Essex V6. Putting the car's disappointing
performance down to the need for a carb rebuild, I went to
the local Ford dealer for a kit.
At the parts counter, the lad asked, "What's it for?", in front
of a shopful of of customers.
Proudly, I said, "I've got a Gilbern."
He said, "Is it green?"
among my schoolmates, a 'green gilbert' was an outdoor-quality
snot bubble hanging from the nose on a chilly day.
It was a.k.a. a 'Gilbey Dangler'.
Exit davhill, crestfallen.
based on a very Northern/'50s word, I'll have to explain.
I drew a blank in the Urban Dictionary but I apologise
if any grandmothers are being taught how to suck eggs.
I'd bought a Gilbern Invader Mk.2, which had the
3-litre Ford Essex V6. Putting the car's disappointing
performance down to the need for a carb rebuild, I went to
the local Ford dealer for a kit.
At the parts counter, the lad asked, "What's it for?", in front
of a shopful of of customers.
Proudly, I said, "I've got a Gilbern."
He said, "Is it green?"
among my schoolmates, a 'green gilbert' was an outdoor-quality
snot bubble hanging from the nose on a chilly day.
It was a.k.a. a 'Gilbey Dangler'.
Exit davhill, crestfallen.
I was once checking my Renault Espace in for a service at the main dealer in Harlow. The lass behind the counter asked if there were any other problems that needed attention.
I said that there was a leak up in the top corner of the windscreen. "Does it leak all the time?" she asked? "No, only when it rains," I replied, and she duly wrote this down on the worksheet.
Her boss was sitting at the desk behind with his hands over his face.
I said that there was a leak up in the top corner of the windscreen. "Does it leak all the time?" she asked? "No, only when it rains," I replied, and she duly wrote this down on the worksheet.
Her boss was sitting at the desk behind with his hands over his face.
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