Cracking retorts...
Discussion
In 1974 I was catching the London train from Crewe station.
It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo!
I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter fame. He said, "You jammy b
d" and quick as a flash, I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter!" Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
It was very crowded; I found myself in a last-minute rush for the one remaining seat beside a tall, good-looking man with collar-length hair, it was the seventies; buckaroo!
I looked up and saw it was none other than Peter Purves, it was the height of his Blue Peter fame. He said, "You jammy b
d" and quick as a flash, I replied, "Don't be blue, Peter!" Needless to say, I had the last laugh.nonsequitur said:
At a bar in Yorkshire I was getting on famously with a young lass. I told her that in this county the girls were either stunningly beautiful or played rugby league. She loooked at me quizically so I said 'What position do you play love?' A rapid exit followed.
Isn't that just an insult rather than a retort? boyse7en said:
nonsequitur said:
At a bar in Yorkshire I was getting on famously with a young lass. I told her that in this county the girls were either stunningly beautiful or played rugby league. She loooked at me quizically so I said 'What position do you play love?' A rapid exit followed.
Isn't that just an insult rather than a retort? See my previous post.
(Halfway down page 53).
Edited by nonsequitur on Monday 20th January 11:19
StanleyT said:
..., the sex education they teach them Cambridge lassies, never had such a night before or since...she brought me off so many times by the end of the night all my chap could do was dribble like Stephen Hawking, I was so frazzled and worn out, like a raw pepperami it was).
You are E L James AICMFPFrank7 said:
Stan the Bat said:
Johnspex said:
H
Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
On the slim chance that any of that is true I'd say you were lucky you weren't reported.Another one was before the no smoking law came in, and strictly speaking I could not legally object to anyone smoking in my taxi, but I didn't like smoking, and I wouldn't have it at any price.
I was on the rank at Paddington station, and two well dressed American guys, mid thirties, approached me, one with a fat cigar in his hand, they asked for The Hilton, Park Lane.
I said, "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, but I want you to put the cigar out."
The one without the cigar said, "Do you know who you're talking to?" I didn't, and I still don't, but the words just came to me, "You may be big wheels in Bumf**k, Iowa, but over here pal, you're just two asses on my back seat."
They went to the next taxi on the rank, and I took a little old Welsh lady to John Lewis in Cavendish Square.
It wasn’t big and it wasn’t clever, but it somehow stupidly seemed right at the time, I now totally accept that it wasn’t.
With the benefit of hindsight, which we all know is 20/20, I should have done what I always did if someone approached me on a rank and for whatever reason, I didn’t fancy them, and this was ALWAYS before they had the chance to give me a destination.
I’d extinguish the TAXI light, and say, “Sorry, I’ve just got a radio job, take the guy behind”, and stroke the accelerator and drive away.
On the occasion at Paddington, I’d probably spent 20 odd minutes shuffling forward on the rank and was loath to leave without a job in the back, so I said a dumb thing to the two guys with a cigar, and took the next job in the queue.
It’s true, they could have reported me, and I’d have had no defence, but as there were plenty of taxis there, they no doubt shrugged it off, fortunately for me.
I carried on blanking cigar smokers, but I tried to be diplomatically polite after that.
Johnspex said:
Getting better Frank. If you can leave out the stroking the accelerator, as I put the car in gear.., we were drinking cognac and black coffee ( in a post about rugby fans so your drinks were completely immaterial), y'all, lower forty eight, subway, and all the other cool terms your posts might actually be readable.
Gee thanks John, (whoops, just kidding), I appreciate your constructive criticism, we were both lucky that I stroked the accelerator, remember when I’d say “stroked the gas pedal?”Perhaps you’ve finally got to me, and I am thinking before typing.
Frank7 said:
Johnspex said:
Getting better Frank. If you can leave out the stroking the accelerator, as I put the car in gear.., we were drinking cognac and black coffee ( in a post about rugby fans so your drinks were completely immaterial), y'all, lower forty eight, subway, and all the other cool terms your posts might actually be readable.
Gee thanks John, (whoops, just kidding), I appreciate your constructive criticism, we were both lucky that I stroked the accelerator, remember when I’d say “stroked the gas pedal?”Perhaps you’ve finally got to me, and I am thinking before typing.
Many years ago, I was in Whitley Bay for one of the infamous Bank Holiday Monday day sessions. My best mate and I managed to get on the pool table at a busy pub. It was packed full of drunk undesirables. We were both good at pool and I ended up playing the winner of the previous game. For some reason my game was off and I was missing pots. The lad I was playing had potted a few balls and as I had most of mine on the table, I ended up playing safety shots and snookers. He did not like that and he and his mates were starting to jeer and complain. The game ended up with me clearing my last couple of balls and the black was over a pocket so he knew I was going to win. Before I could play my shot, he just pocketed the black directly with his cue.
While the game was playing out, Oasis “Don’t look back in anger” was playing in background. After he did that and slammed his cue down on the table, I said, “Don’t pot black in anger” and smirked.
I thought it was quick and funny but I should have known my audience! He got aggressive so I said “here mate, keep the table” and sloped off before we both got our heads kicked in. My only regret is that I did not manage to time my comment with the chorus.
While the game was playing out, Oasis “Don’t look back in anger” was playing in background. After he did that and slammed his cue down on the table, I said, “Don’t pot black in anger” and smirked.
I thought it was quick and funny but I should have known my audience! He got aggressive so I said “here mate, keep the table” and sloped off before we both got our heads kicked in. My only regret is that I did not manage to time my comment with the chorus.
Lazermilk said:
Frank7 said:
Johnspex said:
Getting better Frank. If you can leave out the stroking the accelerator, as I put the car in gear.., we were drinking cognac and black coffee ( in a post about rugby fans so your drinks were completely immaterial), y'all, lower forty eight, subway, and all the other cool terms your posts might actually be readable.
Gee thanks John, (whoops, just kidding), I appreciate your constructive criticism, we were both lucky that I stroked the accelerator, remember when I’d say “stroked the gas pedal?”Perhaps you’ve finally got to me, and I am thinking before typing.
nonsequitur said:
Yes. A lot of wishful thinking I feel. Most of us think of a cracking retort an hour after the event. 'If only I had said that at the time...'
At the risk of upsetting some posters, the French have an expression for that, “L’esprit de l’escalier”It translates as staircase wit.
Frank7 said:
Lazermilk said:
Frank7 said:
Johnspex said:
Getting better Frank. If you can leave out the stroking the accelerator, as I put the car in gear.., we were drinking cognac and black coffee ( in a post about rugby fans so your drinks were completely immaterial), y'all, lower forty eight, subway, and all the other cool terms your posts might actually be readable.
Gee thanks John, (whoops, just kidding), I appreciate your constructive criticism, we were both lucky that I stroked the accelerator, remember when I’d say “stroked the gas pedal?”Perhaps you’ve finally got to me, and I am thinking before typing.
nonsequitur said:
Yes. A lot of wishful thinking I feel. Most of us think of a cracking retort an hour after the event. 'If only I had said that at the time...'
At the risk of upsetting some posters, the French have an expression for that, “L’esprit de l’escalier”It translates as staircase wit.
Similar to other PH 'classics' such as giving your watch some 'wrist time' after 'pulling the trigger' on it or 'dominating the stairs' after 'hammering frozen sausages' into the neighbours garden.
Frimley111R said:
Brads67 said:
If ever a thread failed to live up to its title.
As Blackadder said, 'It started badly, tailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better.'I tried to find it again but couldn’t so maybe it was a previous version.
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