Cracking retorts...
Discussion
TonyHetherington said:
LGF - I saw on Green Wing (the hospital comedy series on channel 4) the most PERFECT sentence for you to say to that guy....
...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....
.....and get up and walk off. Genius
...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....
.....and get up and walk off. Genius
Shall put it in the bank of retorts to use on this idiot
. Sadly he was in my lab group and (unless the gods are watching and have got him kicked off the course) is likely to be again this year."someone jumped in the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking"
"I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception just for you"
"I do hope to run into you again, preferably when I'm driving"
"Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested."
"Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?"
"Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas."
"Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds."
"How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?"
"Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?"
"I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception just for you"
"I do hope to run into you again, preferably when I'm driving"
"Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested."
"Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?"
"Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas."
"Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds."
"How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?"
"Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?"
TonyHetherington said:
LGF - I saw on Green Wing (the hospital comedy series on channel 4) the most PERFECT sentence for you to say to that guy....
...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....
.....and get up and walk off. Genius
...when he's chattering on about being all cool-on-coke, say to him "oh actually, hang on, can I just stop you there a sec..." (as though you're just about to add to the stimulating debate)....
.....and get up and walk off. Genius
[notedforfurtheruse]
minimax said:
Plotloss said:
Heres 10p, go phone someone who gives a 
.
.I read somewhere the minimum fee has been 20p for about 5 years? so possibly an 'ickle bit out of touch...
oooh, it's a guilty pleasure poking fun at the oldies
Oh really?
Heres 20p, go phone someone who gives a
... 
Plotloss said:
minimax said:
Plotloss said:
Heres 10p, go phone someone who gives a .
.I read somewhere the minimum fee has been 20p for about 5 years? so possibly an 'ickle bit out of touch...
oooh, it's a guilty pleasure poking fun at the oldies
Oh really?
Heres 20p, go phone someone who gives a
... 
They can’t find a good word for you,
but I can...
TW*T
A shameless steal from the bard of Salford - John Cooper Clarke.
Many more superb examples of his wit to be found in the work below.
www.cyberspike.com/clarke/twat.html
but I can...
TW*T
A shameless steal from the bard of Salford - John Cooper Clarke.
Many more superb examples of his wit to be found in the work below.
www.cyberspike.com/clarke/twat.html
Plotloss said:
minimax said:
Plotloss said:
Heres 10p, go phone someone who gives a .
.I read somewhere the minimum fee has been 20p for about 5 years? so possibly an 'ickle bit out of touch...
oooh, it's a guilty pleasure poking fun at the oldies
Oh really?
Heres 20p, go phone someone who gives a
... er....
um...
looks like i'm out of retorts...
winds himself up.....
'Your Mum!'
Not a retort exactly, but I once had a bit of an altercation with a woman on the train.
She was stood against my seat and talking incredibly loudly into her mobile. It wasn't even anything important, more "Ooh, have you seen her at number 23? Hasn't washed her nets for weeks..."
I got her attention and said very quietly, "Excuse me. If I had wanted a bird to sit on my shoulder and squawk rubbish, I would have become a f@cking pirate.” (Or something very like that.)
Sounds a bit much now, but perfect at the time.
She was stood against my seat and talking incredibly loudly into her mobile. It wasn't even anything important, more "Ooh, have you seen her at number 23? Hasn't washed her nets for weeks..."
I got her attention and said very quietly, "Excuse me. If I had wanted a bird to sit on my shoulder and squawk rubbish, I would have become a f@cking pirate.” (Or something very like that.)
Sounds a bit much now, but perfect at the time.
Bedford Rascal said:
Not a retort exactly, but I once had a bit of an altercation with a woman on the train.
She was stood against my seat and talking incredibly loudly into her mobile. It wasn't even anything important, more "Ooh, have you seen her at number 23? Hasn't washed her nets for weeks..."
I got her attention and said very quietly, "Excuse me. If I had wanted a bird to sit on my shoulder and squawk rubbish, I would have become a f@cking pirate.” (Or something very like that.)
Sounds a bit much now, but perfect at the time.
She was stood against my seat and talking incredibly loudly into her mobile. It wasn't even anything important, more "Ooh, have you seen her at number 23? Hasn't washed her nets for weeks..."
I got her attention and said very quietly, "Excuse me. If I had wanted a bird to sit on my shoulder and squawk rubbish, I would have become a f@cking pirate.” (Or something very like that.)
Sounds a bit much now, but perfect at the time.
Genius.
A friend of mine was chatting up a leggy blonde, and was somewhat deflated when she said 'You remind me of my father'...
The other one I heard on Radio 4 - 'Is that a ladder in your tights, or a stairway to heaven' - 'No thanks, there's already one arsehole up there' (that's the cleaner version, of course)
The other one I heard on Radio 4 - 'Is that a ladder in your tights, or a stairway to heaven' - 'No thanks, there's already one arsehole up there' (that's the cleaner version, of course)
Edited by muley on Friday 15th September 10:46
The Dude said:
ewenm said:
I've never understood the "Your Mum" one. Surely anyone would just laugh it off - what's to get offended by?
It's power is not to be literally offensive. It's the punch-in-the-balls of an otherwise Queensbury Rules fight.
I find the more realistic "yo mommas" far more effective, such as:
"Your momma's so fat she was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes"
ewenm said:
The Dude said:
ewenm said:
I've never understood the "Your Mum" one. Surely anyone would just laugh it off - what's to get offended by?
It's power is not to be literally offensive. It's the punch-in-the-balls of an otherwise Queensbury Rules fight.
Ok, so similar to "WhatEVER!"
No. That particular cop-out should never be uttered outside the playground gates and does not require the deft contextual timing of "your mother".
The Dude said:
ewenm said:
The Dude said:
ewenm said:
I've never understood the "Your Mum" one. Surely anyone would just laugh it off - what's to get offended by?
It's power is not to be literally offensive. It's the punch-in-the-balls of an otherwise Queensbury Rules fight.
Ok, so similar to "WhatEVER!"
No. That particular cop-out should never be uttered outside the playground gates and does not require the deft contextual timing of "your mother".
So still fits with the "Your Mum" one as well.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff