Cracking retorts...

[Abbott]

As a young engineer I overheard the following:

Superviser to Norrie Wilson "Ive been watching you for the last 15 minutes and you have done nothing."

Norrie Wilson "Fine job you've got watching me do nothing"

[Laurel Green]

Du1point8 said:

A most eloquent retort if I do say so myself.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-215727...

I watched this on the local news earlier - rather well put, I'd say.

[1e35]

In response to "Sorry for breathing"

I accept your apology, but don't let it happen again.

[paul0843]

A few years back I was listening to lbc when a politician who I don't recall was being
interviewed by a reporter who kept asking the same question.
The politician finally lost his rag and sniped
"I can only give you the answer,not the intelligence to comprehend it"

[hman]

Abbott said:

Hugo a Gogo said:

gowmonster said:

schengen stuff..

ok, to be fair, you don't need a passport if travelling within the zone, so you can enter France without a passport, just not from the UK (or the US for that matter)

anyway, carry on

You might get into France but you definitely would not get back into the UK.

This is correct, you cannot get into France from the UK, I have been through this at the tunnel. left my passport in a works van, took my own car, got to passport control couldnt find passport in the car. Car was impounded, then released and I was effectively deported from French soil back to English territory (100 yards away).

The whole process took about an hour.

Then I had to get a chum to bike the passport to me, met him at guildford, turned around and sucessfully got to france on the 2nd attempt. about 2.5 hours later than planned.

[Frank7]

Not a cracking retort as such, but if I'm on the phone with my younger son, and he feels that the conversation has run its course, he'll say, "Dad, what's good looking, and hangs up?"
Within a millisecond, the phone goes dead.

[Frimley111R]

Laurel Green said:

Du1point8 said:

A most eloquent retort if I do say so myself.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-215727...

I watched this on the local news earlier - rather well put, I'd say.

[p4cks]

Frank7 said:

Not a cracking retort as such, but if I'm on the phone with my younger son, and he feels that the conversation has run its course, he'll say, "Dad, what's good looking, and hangs up?"
Within a millisecond, the phone goes dead.

A good one I heard when on the phone to my mate was:

Mate: What's got a small dick and hangs down?
Me: Erm, I dunno
Mate: A bat. Now what's got a big dick and hangs up?

• click*

[stuttgartmetal]

Frank.
Try this one on him
Say "and one more thing"
Then hang up in the same fashion.

[probably chalk]

[PoleDriver]

probably chalk said:

[Jonmx]

Jacob Rees Mogg with a cracking comeback to Dimbleby on QT a couple of years ago.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8wKRg-1e6s

[havoc]

PoleDriver said:

probably chalk said:

"Looks more like an alembic to me..."



:runsandhides:

[Roofless Toothless]

Quite some years ago, when my younger son was about ten and his brother a couple of years older we were at Brands Hatch watching the racing. I have a feeling it must have been the Touring Cars, there were an awful lot of people there.

We were at the top of Paddock Hill and between races we all decided it would be good time to go and have a pee. In those days (still might be for all I know) there was a big old gents alongside the Kentagon, so in we go. It was packed out. It was a pretty crude arrangement, too - just a trough down one side and everybody lined up along its length. If you were unfortunate enough to be at the drain hole end, the pee was running past about four inches deep. We waited our turn, held our breath and stepped forward.

After we had completed our business, we walked away and I said to the boys, "I don't think I'll bother washing my hands - I reckon my dick's about the cleanest thing in here." Whereupon, the ten year old pipes up, loud as you like, "That's 'cos it never gets used."

Everyone within earshot started cracking up, and I'm looking at the little so and so wondering where the devil he got that from!

[80quattro]

A good one I heard recently was in the context of someone trying to get an idea across to someone, with little success. He said 'I would explain in more detail, but I have neither the time or the crayons'.

[AdeTuono]

PoleDriver said:

probably chalk said:

Better than 99% of the bks posted on here.

[TheLuke]

80quattro said:

A good one I heard recently was in the context of someone trying to get an idea across to someone, with little success. He said 'I would explain in more detail, but I have neither the time or the crayons'.

One of my favourite's this.

[probably chalk]

havoc said:

"Looks more like an alembic to me..."



:runsandhides:

I'm an inorganic chemist so out of my comfort zone and I've been waiting for someone to point out that these aren't retorts. But on this occasion I think I might actually be right, and retorts for cracking long chain hydrocarbons at that.

[Raymondo2]

In the checkout queue of my local supermarket; Slightly rotund middle aged guy starts bagging up the sugary items in front of him. The young woman on the till throws a bhy glance across at her colleague before commenting (to the customer) 'you'll get fat eating all that sugary food'. Without pausing or looking up he replied 'I see you speak from experience'.

[grumpy52]

Probably a repost .
In the checkout line is a rather large lady unloading her shopping when suddenly her mobile starts beeping . The young lad behind her shouts "stand back , It's reversing !"