Discussion
Can’t remember if I’ve posted in here but I posted another thread in this sub forum ages ago about the topic. This might be a long one...
I’ve been single for 3 years now, for that whole time I’ve blamed myself for my divorce, which depending on perspective, I should. The two friends who knew my ex think it was her fault from what they saw but it categorically wasn’t, it was mine. Anyway, because it was my fault, I don’t feel like I’m ready to find anyone still, 3 years later, despite frequently being so lonely it almost hurts.
I live alone in a flat I can barely afford, my bills leave me with just enough money for fuel to work and sometimes enough for food but I often have meals which are just a tin of beans or a packet of rice. The flat has all electric heating and during the winter I just have to wear more clothes as it’s like burning money.
I’ve done the same job for 8 years. I don’t particular enjoy it but it’s fairly secure and means I don’t have to live on the street. It’s effectively telesales though which isn’t something I’m great at, I’m not pushy enough for it but nobody seems to have noticed so far so I keep struggling on.
I have 4 friends, just 4, well, 3.5, one of them only appears with another. Two of them I haven’t seen for well over a year despite talking to them regularly, the other two came round on Friday but I can’t talk to any of them properly, it’s all too serious a subject to approach. I can talk about anything online, just not face to face with friends.
Outside of work, I don’t see anyone. I get home at about 6.15, go for a run or a bike ride and then sit on my own all evening, weekends are no better, this weekend I haven’t spoken to a single person since leaving work, I’d not said a word out loud for 2 whole days.l
the one good thing is that last year I was having panic attacks (suffered really badly when I was 18-19) but they’ve stopped, I’m totally on top of them now after spending a ton of money on therapy.
Either way, I’m not doing well at the moment, I’m constantly worrying about money, I’ve never got anything to look forward to and I’m always lonely.
Not expecting anyone to jump to my aid really but thought it’d be good to get it all off my chest again.
I’ve been single for 3 years now, for that whole time I’ve blamed myself for my divorce, which depending on perspective, I should. The two friends who knew my ex think it was her fault from what they saw but it categorically wasn’t, it was mine. Anyway, because it was my fault, I don’t feel like I’m ready to find anyone still, 3 years later, despite frequently being so lonely it almost hurts.
I live alone in a flat I can barely afford, my bills leave me with just enough money for fuel to work and sometimes enough for food but I often have meals which are just a tin of beans or a packet of rice. The flat has all electric heating and during the winter I just have to wear more clothes as it’s like burning money.
I’ve done the same job for 8 years. I don’t particular enjoy it but it’s fairly secure and means I don’t have to live on the street. It’s effectively telesales though which isn’t something I’m great at, I’m not pushy enough for it but nobody seems to have noticed so far so I keep struggling on.
I have 4 friends, just 4, well, 3.5, one of them only appears with another. Two of them I haven’t seen for well over a year despite talking to them regularly, the other two came round on Friday but I can’t talk to any of them properly, it’s all too serious a subject to approach. I can talk about anything online, just not face to face with friends.
Outside of work, I don’t see anyone. I get home at about 6.15, go for a run or a bike ride and then sit on my own all evening, weekends are no better, this weekend I haven’t spoken to a single person since leaving work, I’d not said a word out loud for 2 whole days.l
the one good thing is that last year I was having panic attacks (suffered really badly when I was 18-19) but they’ve stopped, I’m totally on top of them now after spending a ton of money on therapy.
Either way, I’m not doing well at the moment, I’m constantly worrying about money, I’ve never got anything to look forward to and I’m always lonely.
Not expecting anyone to jump to my aid really but thought it’d be good to get it all off my chest again.
Out of interest: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2019/jun/10/ma...
I think the idea is that your world view changes (Connections...) - which is also what happens when you adopt a philosophy such as stoicism or use any other tool to jump out of the rut.
Home-baking below:
I tend to think life is a struggle - but probably not in the sense it's used most frequently. What I mean is the sparkle of life is to be found within struggle, we aren't happy when were content; happiness shouldn't be the goal - its what we find as a by-product when we have purpose and are active in its pursuit. Find purpose, but also find yourself, and then you'll find your place in the world and your purpose within it.
I set myself a huge challenge (running but could be anything) a few years ago, a 5 day race across mountains. I lasted a day and a half. A foul tasting medicine but a necessary prescription if taken as prescribed - use disappointment to motivate you to a better performance next time. Two years and lots of work later and on the second attempt I did it, and in comfort.
Of course, I was, and am, very satisfied with the result, however here's the odd thing, I made a couple of observations, 1. at the end I wasn't elated, I was a little disappointed this hell was finished; it had been a complete removal from the world and its complexity, pared down to the essentials of 'where do I get the next water' or 'this track or this track?' - when I turned on my phone the next day and saw the news (Brexit, May, Trump et al) I lasted about 20 seconds and turned it off again - what had been grating my gears 6 days before was now a mere trivial irrelevance - perspective after living as a persistence hunter from 100,000 years ago... 2. I realised that although 'completion' was a goal, the happiest moments were on the hill, looking back from summits to where we had travelled and where we would travel, labouring with the effort but always getting to the tops, navigating well, chatting to those unfortunate enough to be going my pace, feeling part of something bigger but also reduced to the realisation of insignificance amongst this ancient and brutal terrain. The effort was immense, but the pleasure wasn't in completion, it was in the struggle.
I think the idea is that your world view changes (Connections...) - which is also what happens when you adopt a philosophy such as stoicism or use any other tool to jump out of the rut.
Home-baking below:
I tend to think life is a struggle - but probably not in the sense it's used most frequently. What I mean is the sparkle of life is to be found within struggle, we aren't happy when were content; happiness shouldn't be the goal - its what we find as a by-product when we have purpose and are active in its pursuit. Find purpose, but also find yourself, and then you'll find your place in the world and your purpose within it.
I set myself a huge challenge (running but could be anything) a few years ago, a 5 day race across mountains. I lasted a day and a half. A foul tasting medicine but a necessary prescription if taken as prescribed - use disappointment to motivate you to a better performance next time. Two years and lots of work later and on the second attempt I did it, and in comfort.
Of course, I was, and am, very satisfied with the result, however here's the odd thing, I made a couple of observations, 1. at the end I wasn't elated, I was a little disappointed this hell was finished; it had been a complete removal from the world and its complexity, pared down to the essentials of 'where do I get the next water' or 'this track or this track?' - when I turned on my phone the next day and saw the news (Brexit, May, Trump et al) I lasted about 20 seconds and turned it off again - what had been grating my gears 6 days before was now a mere trivial irrelevance - perspective after living as a persistence hunter from 100,000 years ago... 2. I realised that although 'completion' was a goal, the happiest moments were on the hill, looking back from summits to where we had travelled and where we would travel, labouring with the effort but always getting to the tops, navigating well, chatting to those unfortunate enough to be going my pace, feeling part of something bigger but also reduced to the realisation of insignificance amongst this ancient and brutal terrain. The effort was immense, but the pleasure wasn't in completion, it was in the struggle.
slipstream 1985 said:
227bhp said:
sambucket said:
The gap between the reality and your expectations is one issue. But it works both up and down. If you are needlessly anxious about a non existent threat, that can be as uncomfortable as feeling like your aspirations are unlikely to be met. In both cases, the issue is engage with the world at a level of control.
Do you think this is a modern thing? Are there proportionally more depressed people now than ever before?It's a difficult one to answer as a lot of this kind of thing was misdiagnosed, undiagnosed, swept under the carpet etc.
Other peoples success is thrust into our face but their issues are not.
RTB said:
slipstream 1985 said:
Other peoples success is thrust into our face but their issues are not.
We also lead very isolated lives which skews our perceptions of other people. I'm sure there are many people on here that spend the majority of their week in large open plan offices, staring at a computer screen. I can go days without having any real social interaction at work. The only conversations I have are held over skype, with people in other timezones, whose only interest we have in each other is work and whether everyone has done what they should. It's not a healthy way of living.
I keep threatening to make a change but it's not easy. From the outside (those perceptions again) I appear to have a perfect life. Lovely wife, two kids, good job, mortgage free etc etc, but it does all feel a bit sterile.
could well return and probably will. A recent survey into kids who spent their lives in Cyberspace revealed them to be very happy. Please note that like a kid who has free access to a sweet shop would be very happy, it doesn't mean it's doing them any good.
I for instance know two older people who have nothing outwardly to be depressed about, they aren't on the internet, live good lives with plenty of money, lots of friends, yet have been sufferers for many years.
I remember when I saw a counsellor she said i'd probably been depressed all my life, that made me think.
I would like to know how she came to that conclusion, I think it's maybe because I have no happy memories of growing up, just memories; neutral and bad.
You'll never get your parents to confess they were a bit crap, but look at the relationship they had with theirs, what is that like? It gets passed on, I know my mother came from a difficult background, I don't think my Dad did, but I never knew his parents.
I read somewhere that the way you are is quickly decided very early on. I don't think my mother was shown much love from hers, maybe she didn't me and that's the way I am. My Dad was just typical of that period; go to work, come home, do the gardening, read the paper, go to work and my Mother was left to bring us up with the money he brought in, but she didn't have the mental ability to cope with us.
Larkin wrote about it in 'This be the verse', John Cleese and Robin Skynner wrote a book about it which can be picked up really cheaply.
The theory is that to move forwards, you have to understand the past and why you is the way you is.
If I were to be depressed for simply not having what someone else has then that fact would depress me even more through guilt. It makes me sound childish, shallow and selfish. Why should I be be depressed just because I don't have what others have? There are many others far worse off than I who are happy enough. Is this really how society is now?
Robmarriott said:
Can’t remember if I’ve posted in here but I posted another thread in this sub forum ages ago about the topic. This might be a long one...
I’ve been single for 3 years now, for that whole time I’ve blamed myself for my divorce, which depending on perspective, I should. The two friends who knew my ex think it was her fault from what they saw but it categorically wasn’t, it was mine. Anyway, because it was my fault, I don’t feel like I’m ready to find anyone still, 3 years later, despite frequently being so lonely it almost hurts.
I live alone in a flat I can barely afford, my bills leave me with just enough money for fuel to work and sometimes enough for food but I often have meals which are just a tin of beans or a packet of rice. The flat has all electric heating and during the winter I just have to wear more clothes as it’s like burning money.
I’ve done the same job for 8 years. I don’t particular enjoy it but it’s fairly secure and means I don’t have to live on the street. It’s effectively telesales though which isn’t something I’m great at, I’m not pushy enough for it but nobody seems to have noticed so far so I keep struggling on.
I have 4 friends, just 4, well, 3.5, one of them only appears with another. Two of them I haven’t seen for well over a year despite talking to them regularly, the other two came round on Friday but I can’t talk to any of them properly, it’s all too serious a subject to approach. I can talk about anything online, just not face to face with friends.
Outside of work, I don’t see anyone. I get home at about 6.15, go for a run or a bike ride and then sit on my own all evening, weekends are no better, this weekend I haven’t spoken to a single person since leaving work, I’d not said a word out loud for 2 whole days.l
the one good thing is that last year I was having panic attacks (suffered really badly when I was 18-19) but they’ve stopped, I’m totally on top of them now after spending a ton of money on therapy.
Either way, I’m not doing well at the moment, I’m constantly worrying about money, I’ve never got anything to look forward to and I’m always lonely.
Not expecting anyone to jump to my aid really but thought it’d be good to get it all off my chest again.
Can you find a new place to live? Beyond the financial difficulties you have sometimes it's just good to get a bit of a fresh start somewhere new(ish). See if you can get in touch with local volunteering groups at the weekend, doesn't matter what it's doing. I've personally found that being part of a community that meets regularly really helps when you feel caged in.I’ve been single for 3 years now, for that whole time I’ve blamed myself for my divorce, which depending on perspective, I should. The two friends who knew my ex think it was her fault from what they saw but it categorically wasn’t, it was mine. Anyway, because it was my fault, I don’t feel like I’m ready to find anyone still, 3 years later, despite frequently being so lonely it almost hurts.
I live alone in a flat I can barely afford, my bills leave me with just enough money for fuel to work and sometimes enough for food but I often have meals which are just a tin of beans or a packet of rice. The flat has all electric heating and during the winter I just have to wear more clothes as it’s like burning money.
I’ve done the same job for 8 years. I don’t particular enjoy it but it’s fairly secure and means I don’t have to live on the street. It’s effectively telesales though which isn’t something I’m great at, I’m not pushy enough for it but nobody seems to have noticed so far so I keep struggling on.
I have 4 friends, just 4, well, 3.5, one of them only appears with another. Two of them I haven’t seen for well over a year despite talking to them regularly, the other two came round on Friday but I can’t talk to any of them properly, it’s all too serious a subject to approach. I can talk about anything online, just not face to face with friends.
Outside of work, I don’t see anyone. I get home at about 6.15, go for a run or a bike ride and then sit on my own all evening, weekends are no better, this weekend I haven’t spoken to a single person since leaving work, I’d not said a word out loud for 2 whole days.l
the one good thing is that last year I was having panic attacks (suffered really badly when I was 18-19) but they’ve stopped, I’m totally on top of them now after spending a ton of money on therapy.
Either way, I’m not doing well at the moment, I’m constantly worrying about money, I’ve never got anything to look forward to and I’m always lonely.
Not expecting anyone to jump to my aid really but thought it’d be good to get it all off my chest again.
Possibly. It’s something I’ll be considering come renewal time but it’s obviously an expensive process and I’m not sure I can afford to me, even though I can’t afford not to... that and there’s not much on the market at the moment, I’m already looking and my current rent would be cheaper by about £100 than anything I’ve seen so far. I’ll keep looking but the deposit etc is going to be an issue.
The anxiety about panic attacks would hold me back from volunteering I think. I’ve considered joining a cycling club locally but I’m not sure I’d be up to the speeds they’d do and most people are quite a bit older from what I’ve seen.
The anxiety about panic attacks would hold me back from volunteering I think. I’ve considered joining a cycling club locally but I’m not sure I’d be up to the speeds they’d do and most people are quite a bit older from what I’ve seen.
Robmarriott said:
Possibly. It’s something I’ll be considering come renewal time but it’s obviously an expensive process and I’m not sure I can afford to me, even though I can’t afford not to... that and there’s not much on the market at the moment, I’m already looking and my current rent would be cheaper by about £100 than anything I’ve seen so far. I’ll keep looking but the deposit etc is going to be an issue.
The anxiety about panic attacks would hold me back from volunteering I think. I’ve considered joining a cycling club locally but I’m not sure I’d be up to the speeds they’d do and most people are quite a bit older from what I’ve seen.
Rob, just join the fThe anxiety about panic attacks would hold me back from volunteering I think. I’ve considered joining a cycling club locally but I’m not sure I’d be up to the speeds they’d do and most people are quite a bit older from what I’ve seen.
king cycling club.Love,
Andy
j_4m said:
Can you find a new place to live? Beyond the financial difficulties you have sometimes it's just good to get a bit of a fresh start somewhere new(ish). See if you can get in touch with local volunteering groups at the weekend, doesn't matter what it's doing. I've personally found that being part of a community that meets regularly really helps when you feel caged in.
Might also help living with people. House shares are less viable the older you get but I know plenty of people in their late 30s sharing.Not really posted much in here but often read a lot of people's experiences & feel like going through a little episode at the moment. Wife has gone though cancer over the last 9 months, quite a stressful time with working and caring with hospital appointments each week. Part of me just thinks it's the stress from it all but currently feeling burnt out.
Got the all clear end of may & just got back from a week away in cornwall which was really relaxing and away from all distractions. Towards the end I started to sleep a lot more even now back at home I feel like I could sleep for years. My appetite dropped too, I don't feel hungry but do eat lots although part of it is lack of energy to get up and cook.
Still have the bathroom floor to finish and lots of sorting to do as life was on hold but I just can't be bothered. Am I just tired still or is it something more?
Got the all clear end of may & just got back from a week away in cornwall which was really relaxing and away from all distractions. Towards the end I started to sleep a lot more even now back at home I feel like I could sleep for years. My appetite dropped too, I don't feel hungry but do eat lots although part of it is lack of energy to get up and cook.
Still have the bathroom floor to finish and lots of sorting to do as life was on hold but I just can't be bothered. Am I just tired still or is it something more?
Hope okay to post my situation, if not I’m more than happy to remove it, sorry if it’s a bit long. My situation is largely due to a number of issues all coming to a head at once, which is really affecting how I feel emotionally.
It started when I separated with my ex-wife nearly 3½ year ago. There were quite a few reasons why we separated, although nobody else was involved. Quite early on during the separation I had an initial meeting with a mediator in which she asked the reasons why I left my ex-wife, I gave some of the reasons and she suggested I actually write them down. I ended up writing over 5 sides of A4 and it was a very cathartic process. I should add that my ex-wife refused to attend mediation to discuss access to the children, although this was subsequently resolved by me involving CAFCASS and the Family Court.
After I left the family home, I lived with my parents for a year, then have been living in rented accommodation for the last 2½ years. Whilst I lived with my parents my children couldn’t stay overnight, although they have been every other weekend since I’ve moved into rented accommodation.
My ex-wife has basically refused to negotiate with regards to the financial settlement at any point and wants the entire family home (substantial 4 bed detached with only 10% of its value mortgage) transferred to her plus to keep all of her pension (which is significantly greater than mine). We also have a Buy-to-Let which was meant to be my pension as I never made any contributions for the last 18 years. She says I can have the Buy-to-Let (although 55% of its value mortgage) and keep all of my pension.
As my ex-wife has refused to negotiate, I had no option but to start the financial resolution process via the courts. We had the FDA last year, the FDR two months ago but as we couldn’t come to a resolution its going to the final hearing, although I’m still waiting for a date which could be 3 or 4 months away. My ex-wife also refuses to speak to me and whilst in court her barrister indicated that I was not to e-mail her about anything to do with the finances.
Whilst the above is stressful, there is then the issue of my business. I’ve run the business for 19½ years. There are always peaks and troughs in our industry, although the last 18 months have been particularly challenging and unprecedented. All the staff were put on redundancy notice last summer, although they ended up working several months of 4 days weeks until there was an upturn. The business still made a significant loss last year and only survived on its cash reserves. However, the situation has deteriorated again and is due to be loss making over the coming months with no work towards the end of the year. I really don’t know what the future holds for the business. Lots of indications that the industry could pick up but appears to be a bit of a ‘perfect storm’ of factors preventing it. Unclear whether the business will survive until a point when it does pick up. I actually do very little productive work on a daily basis with most of the employees doing the work. I’ve taken a 30% reduction in salary/dividends to cut down on costs and try keep the business going.
The Buy-to-Let is having to be sold ASAP due to CGT issues. I’ve now given notice on my rented accommodation and am moving back into the Buy-to-Let until it is sold. Once I move back into the Buy-to-Let I’m going to have to cover the mortgage on this property, which will leave me around £500 a month to cover car fuel, food, hobbies, socialising, holidays, clothes, etc. I’ve had to tell my children that there will be no holiday this year. I’ve cut back on socialising and hobbies as much as possible. I do go to the gym but this has waned recently as I’m lacking in motivation. Anything else comes out of my savings which are soon to run out.
I’ve had to put most of my legal fees on interest free credit cards, so I’m paying around £500 a month on repayments at the moment. I’ve never had any credit card debt in the past and always paid off on a monthly basis. At least they’re interest free. The income from the Buy-to-Let has been used to subsidise the rent on my rented accommodation. Because of the 30% reduction in my salary, once the Buy-to-Let has been sold I cannot afford to rent even a two bedroomed house locally, so there I think my only real option is to move back in with my parents.
I just struggle at the moment to see where I will be in a couple of month’s, let alone years. Will I have a job? Will my children be able to stay with me in a suitable home. I cannot rent anywhere. If I move in with my parents my children cannot stay with me as there is insufficient room. I cannot get a mortgage due to the downturn in the business. Even if I could, the amount of money I would get from the sale of the Buy-to-Let would require a significant mortgage over the next 20 years (I’m 47) to buy even a modest 3 bedroomed house; calculations by a mortgage advisor have said that I cannot obtain this level of mortgage.
I’ve been to see the Citizens Advice Bureau, although they could not provide any assistance, suggestions, advice, etc. apart from you just have to wait for the court process to follow its course. I spoke to Samaritans and they just listen to the above but provide no comment (this is not meant to be a criticism of them in anyway).
I just have no motivation to do anything at the moment. I cannot focus on anything (which the lack of work is actually good as I don’t have to make any real decisions). Days drag by as its quiet at work and it’s really knocking my confidence in that I’m not doing anything productive.
I’ve not been to the doctors. I guess I probably should, although generally I’ve never really had any issues in the past that make me feel like this. I cannot really be signed off work as I do need to be there.
Everything seams to be spiralling out of control and I’m finding myself in an impossible situation.
Anyway, like I say, sorry for the long post!
It started when I separated with my ex-wife nearly 3½ year ago. There were quite a few reasons why we separated, although nobody else was involved. Quite early on during the separation I had an initial meeting with a mediator in which she asked the reasons why I left my ex-wife, I gave some of the reasons and she suggested I actually write them down. I ended up writing over 5 sides of A4 and it was a very cathartic process. I should add that my ex-wife refused to attend mediation to discuss access to the children, although this was subsequently resolved by me involving CAFCASS and the Family Court.
After I left the family home, I lived with my parents for a year, then have been living in rented accommodation for the last 2½ years. Whilst I lived with my parents my children couldn’t stay overnight, although they have been every other weekend since I’ve moved into rented accommodation.
My ex-wife has basically refused to negotiate with regards to the financial settlement at any point and wants the entire family home (substantial 4 bed detached with only 10% of its value mortgage) transferred to her plus to keep all of her pension (which is significantly greater than mine). We also have a Buy-to-Let which was meant to be my pension as I never made any contributions for the last 18 years. She says I can have the Buy-to-Let (although 55% of its value mortgage) and keep all of my pension.
As my ex-wife has refused to negotiate, I had no option but to start the financial resolution process via the courts. We had the FDA last year, the FDR two months ago but as we couldn’t come to a resolution its going to the final hearing, although I’m still waiting for a date which could be 3 or 4 months away. My ex-wife also refuses to speak to me and whilst in court her barrister indicated that I was not to e-mail her about anything to do with the finances.
Whilst the above is stressful, there is then the issue of my business. I’ve run the business for 19½ years. There are always peaks and troughs in our industry, although the last 18 months have been particularly challenging and unprecedented. All the staff were put on redundancy notice last summer, although they ended up working several months of 4 days weeks until there was an upturn. The business still made a significant loss last year and only survived on its cash reserves. However, the situation has deteriorated again and is due to be loss making over the coming months with no work towards the end of the year. I really don’t know what the future holds for the business. Lots of indications that the industry could pick up but appears to be a bit of a ‘perfect storm’ of factors preventing it. Unclear whether the business will survive until a point when it does pick up. I actually do very little productive work on a daily basis with most of the employees doing the work. I’ve taken a 30% reduction in salary/dividends to cut down on costs and try keep the business going.
The Buy-to-Let is having to be sold ASAP due to CGT issues. I’ve now given notice on my rented accommodation and am moving back into the Buy-to-Let until it is sold. Once I move back into the Buy-to-Let I’m going to have to cover the mortgage on this property, which will leave me around £500 a month to cover car fuel, food, hobbies, socialising, holidays, clothes, etc. I’ve had to tell my children that there will be no holiday this year. I’ve cut back on socialising and hobbies as much as possible. I do go to the gym but this has waned recently as I’m lacking in motivation. Anything else comes out of my savings which are soon to run out.
I’ve had to put most of my legal fees on interest free credit cards, so I’m paying around £500 a month on repayments at the moment. I’ve never had any credit card debt in the past and always paid off on a monthly basis. At least they’re interest free. The income from the Buy-to-Let has been used to subsidise the rent on my rented accommodation. Because of the 30% reduction in my salary, once the Buy-to-Let has been sold I cannot afford to rent even a two bedroomed house locally, so there I think my only real option is to move back in with my parents.
I just struggle at the moment to see where I will be in a couple of month’s, let alone years. Will I have a job? Will my children be able to stay with me in a suitable home. I cannot rent anywhere. If I move in with my parents my children cannot stay with me as there is insufficient room. I cannot get a mortgage due to the downturn in the business. Even if I could, the amount of money I would get from the sale of the Buy-to-Let would require a significant mortgage over the next 20 years (I’m 47) to buy even a modest 3 bedroomed house; calculations by a mortgage advisor have said that I cannot obtain this level of mortgage.
I’ve been to see the Citizens Advice Bureau, although they could not provide any assistance, suggestions, advice, etc. apart from you just have to wait for the court process to follow its course. I spoke to Samaritans and they just listen to the above but provide no comment (this is not meant to be a criticism of them in anyway).
I just have no motivation to do anything at the moment. I cannot focus on anything (which the lack of work is actually good as I don’t have to make any real decisions). Days drag by as its quiet at work and it’s really knocking my confidence in that I’m not doing anything productive.
I’ve not been to the doctors. I guess I probably should, although generally I’ve never really had any issues in the past that make me feel like this. I cannot really be signed off work as I do need to be there.
Everything seams to be spiralling out of control and I’m finding myself in an impossible situation.
Anyway, like I say, sorry for the long post!
Edited by Powerkiter on Thursday 20th June 15:38
Edited by Powerkiter on Thursday 20th June 15:40
Edited by Powerkiter on Thursday 20th June 15:46
Edited by Powerkiter on Thursday 20th June 15:46
Powerkiter said:
Hope okay to post my situation, if not I’m more than happy to remove it, sorry if it’s a bit long. My situation is largely due to a number of issues all coming to a head at once, which is really affecting how I feel emotionally.
It started when I separated with my ex-wife nearly 3½ year ago. There were quite a few reasons why we separated, although nobody else was involved. Quite early on during the separation I had an initial meeting with a mediator in which she asked the reasons why I left my ex-wife, I gave some of the reasons and she suggested I actually write them down. I ended up writing over 5 sides of A4 and it was a very cathartic process. I should add that my ex-wife refused to attend mediation to discuss access to the children, although this was subsequently resolved by me involving CAFCASS and the Family Court.
After I left the family home, I lived with my parents for a year, then have been living in rented accommodation for the last 2½ years. Whilst I lived with my parents my children couldn’t stay overnight, although they have been every other weekend since I’ve moved into rented accommodation.
My ex-wife has basically refused to negotiate with regards to the financial settlement at any point and wants the entire family home (substantial 4 bed detached with only 10% of its value mortgage) transferred to her plus to keep all of her pension (which is significantly greater than mine). We also have a Buy-to-Let which was meant to be my pension as I never made any contributions for the last 18 years. She says I can have the Buy-to-Let (although 55% of its value mortgage) and keep all of my pension.
As my ex-wife has refused to negotiate, I had no option but to start the financial resolution process via the courts. We had the FDA last year, the FDR two months ago but as we couldn’t come to a resolution its going to the final hearing, although I’m still waiting for a date which could be 3 or 4 months away. My ex-wife also refuses to speak to me and whilst in court her barrister indicated that I was not to e-mail her about anything to do with the finances.
Whilst the above is stressful, there is then the issue of my business. I’ve run the business for 19½ years. There are always peaks and troughs in our industry, although the last 18 months have been particularly challenging and unprecedented. All the staff were put on redundancy notice last summer, although they ended up working several months of 4 days weeks until there was an upturn. The business still made a significant loss last year and only survived on its cash reserves. However, the situation has deteriorated again and is due to be loss making over the coming months with no work towards the end of the year. I really don’t know what the future holds for the business. Lots of indications that the industry could pick up but appears to be a bit of a ‘perfect storm’ of factors preventing it. Unclear whether the business will survive until a point when it does pick up. I actually do very little productive work on a daily basis with most of the employees doing the work. I’ve taken a 30% reduction in salary/dividends to cut down on costs and try keep the business going.
The Buy-to-Let is having to be sold ASAP due to CGT issues. I’ve now given notice on my rented accommodation and am moving back into the Buy-to-Let until it is sold. Once I move back into the Buy-to-Let I’m going to have to cover the mortgage on this property, which will leave me around £500 a month to cover car fuel, food, hobbies, socialising, holidays, clothes, etc. I’ve had to tell my children that there will be no holiday this year. I’ve cut back on socialising and hobbies as much as possible. I do go to the gym but this has waned recently as I’m lacking in motivation. Anything else comes out of my savings which are soon to run out.
I’ve had to put most of my legal fees on interest free credit cards, so I’m paying around £500 a month on repayments at the moment. I’ve never had any credit card debt in the past and always paid off on a monthly basis. At least they’re interest free. The income from the Buy-to-Let has been used to subsidise the rent on my rented accommodation. Because of the 30% reduction in my salary, once the Buy-to-Let has been sold I cannot afford to rent even a two bedroomed house locally, so there I think my only real option is to move back in with my parents.
I just struggle at the moment to see where I will be in a couple of month’s, let alone years. Will I have a job? Will my children be able to stay with me in a suitable home. I cannot rent anywhere. If I move in with my parents my children cannot stay with me as there is insufficient room. I cannot get a mortgage due to the downturn in the business. Even if I could, the amount of money I would get from the sale of the Buy-to-Let would require a significant mortgage over the next 20 years (I’m 47) to buy even a modest 3 bedroomed house; calculations by a mortgage advisor have said that I cannot obtain this level of mortgage.
I’ve been to see the Citizens Advice Bureau, although they could not provide any assistance, suggestions, advice, etc. apart from you just have to wait for the court process to follow its course. I spoke to Samaritans and they just listen to the above but provide no comment (this is not meant to be a criticism of them in anyway).
I just have no motivation to do anything at the moment. I cannot focus on anything (which the lack of work is actually good as I don’t have to make any real decisions). Days drag by as its quiet at work and it’s really knocking my confidence in that I’m not doing anything productive.
I’ve not been to the doctors. I guess I probably should, although generally I’ve never really had any issues in the past that make me feel like this. I cannot really be signed off work as I do need to be there.
Everything seams to be spiralling out of control and I’m finding myself in an impossible situation.
Anyway, like I say, sorry for the long post!
I’m sorry to read this - about 90% of what you have typed could’ve been typed by me! Going through the same myself...go and see your GP to see what can be done to get you through this. I felt hopeless and the help is available, and had been a godsend.It started when I separated with my ex-wife nearly 3½ year ago. There were quite a few reasons why we separated, although nobody else was involved. Quite early on during the separation I had an initial meeting with a mediator in which she asked the reasons why I left my ex-wife, I gave some of the reasons and she suggested I actually write them down. I ended up writing over 5 sides of A4 and it was a very cathartic process. I should add that my ex-wife refused to attend mediation to discuss access to the children, although this was subsequently resolved by me involving CAFCASS and the Family Court.
After I left the family home, I lived with my parents for a year, then have been living in rented accommodation for the last 2½ years. Whilst I lived with my parents my children couldn’t stay overnight, although they have been every other weekend since I’ve moved into rented accommodation.
My ex-wife has basically refused to negotiate with regards to the financial settlement at any point and wants the entire family home (substantial 4 bed detached with only 10% of its value mortgage) transferred to her plus to keep all of her pension (which is significantly greater than mine). We also have a Buy-to-Let which was meant to be my pension as I never made any contributions for the last 18 years. She says I can have the Buy-to-Let (although 55% of its value mortgage) and keep all of my pension.
As my ex-wife has refused to negotiate, I had no option but to start the financial resolution process via the courts. We had the FDA last year, the FDR two months ago but as we couldn’t come to a resolution its going to the final hearing, although I’m still waiting for a date which could be 3 or 4 months away. My ex-wife also refuses to speak to me and whilst in court her barrister indicated that I was not to e-mail her about anything to do with the finances.
Whilst the above is stressful, there is then the issue of my business. I’ve run the business for 19½ years. There are always peaks and troughs in our industry, although the last 18 months have been particularly challenging and unprecedented. All the staff were put on redundancy notice last summer, although they ended up working several months of 4 days weeks until there was an upturn. The business still made a significant loss last year and only survived on its cash reserves. However, the situation has deteriorated again and is due to be loss making over the coming months with no work towards the end of the year. I really don’t know what the future holds for the business. Lots of indications that the industry could pick up but appears to be a bit of a ‘perfect storm’ of factors preventing it. Unclear whether the business will survive until a point when it does pick up. I actually do very little productive work on a daily basis with most of the employees doing the work. I’ve taken a 30% reduction in salary/dividends to cut down on costs and try keep the business going.
The Buy-to-Let is having to be sold ASAP due to CGT issues. I’ve now given notice on my rented accommodation and am moving back into the Buy-to-Let until it is sold. Once I move back into the Buy-to-Let I’m going to have to cover the mortgage on this property, which will leave me around £500 a month to cover car fuel, food, hobbies, socialising, holidays, clothes, etc. I’ve had to tell my children that there will be no holiday this year. I’ve cut back on socialising and hobbies as much as possible. I do go to the gym but this has waned recently as I’m lacking in motivation. Anything else comes out of my savings which are soon to run out.
I’ve had to put most of my legal fees on interest free credit cards, so I’m paying around £500 a month on repayments at the moment. I’ve never had any credit card debt in the past and always paid off on a monthly basis. At least they’re interest free. The income from the Buy-to-Let has been used to subsidise the rent on my rented accommodation. Because of the 30% reduction in my salary, once the Buy-to-Let has been sold I cannot afford to rent even a two bedroomed house locally, so there I think my only real option is to move back in with my parents.
I just struggle at the moment to see where I will be in a couple of month’s, let alone years. Will I have a job? Will my children be able to stay with me in a suitable home. I cannot rent anywhere. If I move in with my parents my children cannot stay with me as there is insufficient room. I cannot get a mortgage due to the downturn in the business. Even if I could, the amount of money I would get from the sale of the Buy-to-Let would require a significant mortgage over the next 20 years (I’m 47) to buy even a modest 3 bedroomed house; calculations by a mortgage advisor have said that I cannot obtain this level of mortgage.
I’ve been to see the Citizens Advice Bureau, although they could not provide any assistance, suggestions, advice, etc. apart from you just have to wait for the court process to follow its course. I spoke to Samaritans and they just listen to the above but provide no comment (this is not meant to be a criticism of them in anyway).
I just have no motivation to do anything at the moment. I cannot focus on anything (which the lack of work is actually good as I don’t have to make any real decisions). Days drag by as its quiet at work and it’s really knocking my confidence in that I’m not doing anything productive.
I’ve not been to the doctors. I guess I probably should, although generally I’ve never really had any issues in the past that make me feel like this. I cannot really be signed off work as I do need to be there.
Everything seams to be spiralling out of control and I’m finding myself in an impossible situation.
Anyway, like I say, sorry for the long post!
Edited by Powerkiter on Thursday 20th June 15:38
Edited by Powerkiter on Thursday 20th June 15:40
Edited by Powerkiter on Thursday 20th June 15:46
Edited by Powerkiter on Thursday 20th June 15:46
PM me if you want to chat. Re finances and fighting in court, I’ve found a solution that may help you too.
bobski1 said:
Not really posted much in here but often read a lot of people's experiences & feel like going through a little episode at the moment. Wife has gone though cancer over the last 9 months, quite a stressful time with working and caring with hospital appointments each week. Part of me just thinks it's the stress from it all but currently feeling burnt out.
Got the all clear end of may & just got back from a week away in cornwall which was really relaxing and away from all distractions. Towards the end I started to sleep a lot more even now back at home I feel like I could sleep for years. My appetite dropped too, I don't feel hungry but do eat lots although part of it is lack of energy to get up and cook.
Still have the bathroom floor to finish and lots of sorting to do as life was on hold but I just can't be bothered. Am I just tired still or is it something more?
It sounds like you’ve been through a long period of high stress that’s suddenly stopped. Got the all clear end of may & just got back from a week away in cornwall which was really relaxing and away from all distractions. Towards the end I started to sleep a lot more even now back at home I feel like I could sleep for years. My appetite dropped too, I don't feel hungry but do eat lots although part of it is lack of energy to get up and cook.
Still have the bathroom floor to finish and lots of sorting to do as life was on hold but I just can't be bothered. Am I just tired still or is it something more?
I find that if you get used to having to deal with an awful lot on a daily basis it can be seriously difficult to get going when the pressure is off.
Don’t think that because it wasn’t you that was ill it hasn’t affected you too.
You’re probably mentally exhausted and will need time to recover. This may take quite a long time, don’t expect to just bounce back.
It’s also possible that having dealt with a horrendous situation things like doing a bathroom floor feel pretty insignificant right now.
That’s ok too!
If you need to get things done try and set aside time and do a bit.
Starting is the hardest part so do an hour or so, get help from a friend if you can. If you look at the job as a series of small parts rather than the whole it’s a lot less daunting.
So look at it, decide what’s achievable in an hour, do that bit then stop and chill out. You’ll have done something positive but you don’t need to do it all in one go.
My best friend had a brain tumour. During his recovery the state of his garage was obviously bothering him, so one day after work we spent 2 hours sorting it out.
This was something that had bothered him for months but he saw the whole job as too much work, where I saw a series of tasks that needed done. We could have stopped after each one if he’d wanted and finished another day.
Jayzee said:
I’m sorry to read this - about 90% of what you have typed could’ve been typed by me! Going through the same myself...go and see your GP to see what can be done to get you through this. I felt hopeless and the help is available, and had been a godsend.
PM me if you want to chat. Re finances and fighting in court, I’ve found a solution that may help you too.
Thanks for response, sort of a relief to know somebody in the same position, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone.PM me if you want to chat. Re finances and fighting in court, I’ve found a solution that may help you too.
I cannot find how to PM you, can you PM me and I'll respond.
Anyone tried online CBT? I friend of mine was talking about how good it was for him over a pint. Turns out I know several people who have done it as they were referred by the GP.
He doesn't know about my own struggles as I very rarely discuss it with anyone, so I got googling and signed up to see what the craic was.
It's run by our local mental health trust so all legit. Had by first session last week. Its all very odd doing it as online chat. Had to wait about 2 weeks to get this far.
Was given some homework. fk me its opened a can of worms in my head. Stuff I'd thought I'd dealt with has bubbled to the top. Wishing I'd left this well alone, but had thought for some time I needed to get my head straight as I I'm worried about my long term health if I dont sort it. Too much self medication 
Got a session again later this week. First steps and all..
He doesn't know about my own struggles as I very rarely discuss it with anyone, so I got googling and signed up to see what the craic was.
It's run by our local mental health trust so all legit. Had by first session last week. Its all very odd doing it as online chat. Had to wait about 2 weeks to get this far.
Was given some homework. f
k me its opened a can of worms in my head. Stuff I'd thought I'd dealt with has bubbled to the top. Wishing I'd left this well alone, but had thought for some time I needed to get my head straight as I I'm worried about my long term health if I dont sort it. Too much self medication Got a session again later this week. First steps and all..
HairyMaclary said:
Anyone tried online CBT? I friend of mine was talking about how good it was for him over a pint. Turns out I know several people who have done it as they were referred by the GP.
He doesn't know about my own struggles as I very rarely discuss it with anyone, so I got googling and signed up to see what the craic was.
It's run by our local mental health trust so all legit. Had by first session last week. Its all very odd doing it as online chat. Had to wait about 2 weeks to get this far.
Was given some homework. fk me its opened a can of worms in my head. Stuff I'd thought I'd dealt with has bubbled to the top. Wishing I'd left this well alone, but had thought for some time I needed to get my head straight as I I'm worried about my long term health if I dont sort it. Too much self medication
Got a session again later this week. First steps and all..
This is a recurring thing I've heard when speaking to people who have had numerous types of therapies. He doesn't know about my own struggles as I very rarely discuss it with anyone, so I got googling and signed up to see what the craic was.
It's run by our local mental health trust so all legit. Had by first session last week. Its all very odd doing it as online chat. Had to wait about 2 weeks to get this far.
Was given some homework. f
k me its opened a can of worms in my head. Stuff I'd thought I'd dealt with has bubbled to the top. Wishing I'd left this well alone, but had thought for some time I needed to get my head straight as I I'm worried about my long term health if I dont sort it. Too much self medication Got a session again later this week. First steps and all..
Seems logic and rationality aren't enough, people need to indulge in emotionality to really deal with the root causes of issues. Think this is somewhat amplified with CBT too, as you're actively trying to change the way you think = words in the head = associations.
It plays into behaviour change as well, that'll come as an implication of undergoing CBT. Away from therapy but not far removed, if someone is trying to change their behaviour, they need to recognise their both subtle and more overt emotional cues which lead to the behaviours they're attempting to avoid/change.
Something happened to me the other day and I don't know exactly how to sort it out. So if anyone here has had a similar situation I'd be glad to hear what to do.
The wife's grandmother isn't well. She has COPD and isn't long for this world really. She's still at home with her husband, but is spending most of her time sat inside connected to her oxygen. This isn't a new thing for the family as she's been bad for a while, but recently her struggle with it has increased.
The husband, the wife's grandad, has been given Setraline and is suffering from anxiety. It's hard to put it across how good this man is, life and soul of any party, a spirtual type of guy who's level headed and speaks sense. It's because of the worry he has for his wife, how she gets up in the night confused. And I think he wakes up himself to make sure she's still alive. He even admitted that he keeps going to his mobile phone to make sure it's working, dialing 111 or 999 to make sure he can make the call, but never does so. The wife is upset because she's never ever seen him like this, I don't think anyone has.
The thing is, I was sat there with him and he was talking about it but was reluctant to really talk about it as, I quote, "It's hard to explain to someone who isn't depressed what it's like". Only my wife knows about my depression, I haven't felt any need to involve or inform any of her family about it. And it was hard to hear him say that because I wanted to tell him "Yes, I know exactly where you are", and I was trying to give him advice I found useful without saying I'm depressed to him. The man is a worrier, and he's always giving us £20 for petrol if we give him a lift because we're young and he views being young these days as a lot tougher than it was for him.
So what do I do? I don't even know I can help him, but at the same time I don't know if him knowing I'm depressed would help him out or make him worse. But remember as well he won't take advice if you're not a doctor or been there yourself. It feels Catch 22 for me.
The wife's grandmother isn't well. She has COPD and isn't long for this world really. She's still at home with her husband, but is spending most of her time sat inside connected to her oxygen. This isn't a new thing for the family as she's been bad for a while, but recently her struggle with it has increased.
The husband, the wife's grandad, has been given Setraline and is suffering from anxiety. It's hard to put it across how good this man is, life and soul of any party, a spirtual type of guy who's level headed and speaks sense. It's because of the worry he has for his wife, how she gets up in the night confused. And I think he wakes up himself to make sure she's still alive. He even admitted that he keeps going to his mobile phone to make sure it's working, dialing 111 or 999 to make sure he can make the call, but never does so. The wife is upset because she's never ever seen him like this, I don't think anyone has.
The thing is, I was sat there with him and he was talking about it but was reluctant to really talk about it as, I quote, "It's hard to explain to someone who isn't depressed what it's like". Only my wife knows about my depression, I haven't felt any need to involve or inform any of her family about it. And it was hard to hear him say that because I wanted to tell him "Yes, I know exactly where you are", and I was trying to give him advice I found useful without saying I'm depressed to him. The man is a worrier, and he's always giving us £20 for petrol if we give him a lift because we're young and he views being young these days as a lot tougher than it was for him.
So what do I do? I don't even know I can help him, but at the same time I don't know if him knowing I'm depressed would help him out or make him worse. But remember as well he won't take advice if you're not a doctor or been there yourself. It feels Catch 22 for me.
sgtBerbatov said:
So what do I do? I don't even know I can help him, but at the same time I don't know if him knowing I'm depressed would help him out or make him worse. But remember as well he won't take advice if you're not a doctor or been there yourself. It feels Catch 22 for me.
Honestly, just being there will help. It’s a st situation and having someone to talk to and possibly to vent may give him the release he needs.I wouldn’t go straight in and tell him you’re depressed too, but if it comes up at least you know where he’s coming from.
If you’ve tried things that have helped you maybe suggest them as something to look at.
I know that if asked directly I would generally pretend to be fine, however just having someone to talk to (even if it’s about the weather) can make a big difference.
Speed addicted said:
sgtBerbatov said:
So what do I do? I don't even know I can help him, but at the same time I don't know if him knowing I'm depressed would help him out or make him worse. But remember as well he won't take advice if you're not a doctor or been there yourself. It feels Catch 22 for me.
Honestly, just being there will help. It’s a st situation and having someone to talk to and possibly to vent may give him the release he needs.I wouldn’t go straight in and tell him you’re depressed too, but if it comes up at least you know where he’s coming from.
If you’ve tried things that have helped you maybe suggest them as something to look at.
I know that if asked directly I would generally pretend to be fine, however just having someone to talk to (even if it’s about the weather) can make a big difference.
The other issue as well now is in my own head, trying to work out what to do with him, has given me an insight in to how my own wife has had to deal with me. And that just made me feel so guilty yesterday about it all, I spoke to her and she was alright with it. But yeah, that didn't help.
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