Depression

[wiliferus]

Dr Jekyll said:

I had a strange experience a couple of weeks ago. Felt down from Friday evening onwards and by Sunday afternoon I think it counted as Depressed. Not unable to get out of bed depressed, but to the point I actually drafted a resignation letter to give to my boss on Monday. Work has been 90% boring and 10% frustrating for the last few weeks which is certainly part of it. But it isn't intolerable. Yet for some reason I felt there was no point in tolerating it any longer and that I could live on my savings for as far ahead as I could be bothered to look.

The feeling passed off on Monday fortunately, if it hadn't I could very well have quit my job. But I'm wondering what could cause it and whether it might happen again. Might it even have been something I ate?

I have to be very careful what I drink. If I go beyond tipsy a day or two later I can have a huge 24-48hr dip where I get very low, often tearful, and get quite needy! It took me months to work out why on sundays and Monday’s I often felt like this until I correlated it to having a good drink on the Friday night.
Could this be related?

[Dr Jekyll]

wiliferus said:

I have to be very careful what I drink. If I go beyond tipsy a day or two later I can have a huge 24-48hr dip where I get very low, often tearful, and get quite needy! It took me months to work out why on sundays and Monday’s I often felt like this until I correlated it to having a good drink on the Friday night.
Could this be related?

That could be relevant. I think it was that weekend I tried a bit of Whisky, something I very rarely drink. Not enough to get remotely drunk, I've had more alcohol in cider beer wine etc without a problem. But interesting nevertheless.

[wiliferus]

Dr Jekyll said:

wiliferus said:

I have to be very careful what I drink. If I go beyond tipsy a day or two later I can have a huge 24-48hr dip where I get very low, often tearful, and get quite needy! It took me months to work out why on sundays and Monday’s I often felt like this until I correlated it to having a good drink on the Friday night.
Could this be related?

That could be relevant. I think it was that weekend I tried a bit of Whisky, something I very rarely drink. Not enough to get remotely drunk, I've had more alcohol in cider beer wine etc without a problem. But interesting nevertheless.

Yea maybe nothing and a coincidence, but just keep a mental eye on it just in case.
It certainly varies drink to drink for me. Red wine is a big no no to excess. Ale and rum are both fine so I tend to stick to them.

[GloverMart]

wiliferus said:

Dr Jekyll said:

wiliferus said:

I have to be very careful what I drink. If I go beyond tipsy a day or two later I can have a huge 24-48hr dip where I get very low, often tearful, and get quite needy! It took me months to work out why on sundays and Monday’s I often felt like this until I correlated it to having a good drink on the Friday night.
Could this be related?

That could be relevant. I think it was that weekend I tried a bit of Whisky, something I very rarely drink. Not enough to get remotely drunk, I've had more alcohol in cider beer wine etc without a problem. But interesting nevertheless.

Yea maybe nothing and a coincidence, but just keep a mental eye on it just in case.
It certainly varies drink to drink for me. Red wine is a big no no to excess. Ale and rum are both fine so I tend to stick to them.

I barely drink at all, my weakness is binge eating and to a very high level.

The feelings I have after a binge session include extremely low self esteem and quite emotional too. Appreciate it's not the same as drinking but the after effects seem to be the same and if so, might explain your state of mind too.

[EFH189]

Just to update things for now, my day was largely positive yesterday, thankfully.

My brother and I spoke openly and freely, without any awkwardness whatsoever, about our past, our relationship and also how he sees things with my parents. It was extremely insightful, we have each other’s confidence now and I’m certain that we will no longer be strangers, which is all I wanted.

We discussed when I was molested in my bed by my Dad’s stepfather in my teens and how, when I kicked off straight after it happened at maybe 10pm (to make sure everyone knew about it), I honestly thought no one believed me. It transpires that my brother was also groomed and molested and my Dad too suffered at the hands of this disgusting paedo (who was also a school caretaker). It’s becoming clear now just how this vicious cycle of abuse and mental trauma has resulted in our whole family on my Dad’s side becoming closed off, distant, emotionless, guilty and angry.

My Dad has two sisters, they disappeared to the U.S many years ago and I have never met or known them, they are religious extremists now I’m told. My fear is that they also fell victim to this individual when they were children.

It’s absolutely disgusting and I intend to make it my mission to highlight the impact of child sex abuse and the damage it can cause for decades or even lifetimes to innocent victims. I know how much this has affected my own life and lead to me becoming reserved, angry, hating authority, unable to be truly intimate and sustain relationships etc etc, but thankfully I’m now able to acknowledge it and address it. It’s been upsetting but also quite fascinating piecing this puzzle together.

I visited my parents afterwards and updated them on my situation, given that I’m now getting divorced and taking the first strides in my healing journey. It was initially extremely positive, however my Dad just couldn’t process why I’d written him a letter and not had a face to face chat, it was like he was offended and felt he wouldn’t be able to respond to what I’d written, there and then.

The reason I chose this option was because he would have become defensive, argumentative, dismissive, angry etc and there’s no way I would have got out what I needed to, which in fact was just my life journey and how difficult my life has been.

I suspect, because he wasn’t in control of the situation plus he was drinking alcohol throughout the two hours I was there, he was clearly feeling very anxious about the letter, but he also tried to implicate my poor mother in my upbringing, when she was just a scared by-stander and rarely says a word in case it’s at odds with my Dad. It’s how she has always been and I feel deeply sorry for the life she has lead with him but I also admire her loyalty.

Towards the end of the chat I sensed a shift in energy and decided it was time to go. I’ve left them with the letter and I’m not even thinking about if, when or how they might respond. My intention is to try and rebuild a relationship but clearly my Dad has deep-rooted mental issues too, because of his own abusive past and, at 75, may not even be able to consider opening up and facing it. I was very disappointed it ended on that note, but we will see what comes of it in due course.

It’s been very difficult sharing all of this but also rather therapeutic getting it all out, as now I know I can move on and drill down with the therapist on the matters which still trigger me.

I wish anyone else suffering similar or any trauma from the past all the very best and the strength to address these matters.

Edited by EFH189 on Sunday 13th June 19:10

[A500leroy]

Only 33 years to go for me.

[EFH189]

A500leroy said:

Only 33 years to go for me.

Care to expand? I’m unsure what you mean?

[A500leroy]

EFH189 said:

A500leroy said:

Only 33 years to go for me.

Care to expand? I’m unsure what you mean?

Till im gone.

[Lavo84]

Only just noticed this thread on here - it is both sad to see but also reassuring to hear other people suffering and coping with depression. I have medically been diagnosed since I was 21 but I can certainly remember episodes way way way before then. I’m 37 now and on 150mg of sertraline daily which after 2 years I’m pretty confident is the best anti depressant I’ve taken. All I can say is people keep your heads up and be open and honest about how you are feeling, I never used to tell anybody and that caused me and many other people a lot of pain - since I have been more open I can say things have been a lot more manageable - I am currently off work today as I felt awful last night/ this morning - it isn’t ideal but my work, family and friends understand this and understand the odd day I will need to just have a moment of rest and a pause from life - I only got this support from being 100% open about my feelings and I feel this is really something that people need to hear.
Stay safe everyone - any questions on anything I am happy to help. Take it easy - Stu

[bmwmike]

wiliferus said:

Dr Jekyll said:

wiliferus said:

I have to be very careful what I drink. If I go beyond tipsy a day or two later I can have a huge 24-48hr dip where I get very low, often tearful, and get quite needy! It took me months to work out why on sundays and Monday’s I often felt like this until I correlated it to having a good drink on the Friday night.
Could this be related?

That could be relevant. I think it was that weekend I tried a bit of Whisky, something I very rarely drink. Not enough to get remotely drunk, I've had more alcohol in cider beer wine etc without a problem. But interesting nevertheless.

Yea maybe nothing and a coincidence, but just keep a mental eye on it just in case.
It certainly varies drink to drink for me. Red wine is a big no no to excess. Ale and rum are both fine so I tend to stick to them.

Rum does that for me, if i drink it over a few days and then stop, a few days after that I get very dark emotionally. Pity coz i love it but now I know, i won't touch it.

[EFH189]

A500leroy said:

EFH189 said:

A500leroy said:

Only 33 years to go for me.

Care to expand? I’m unsure what you mean?

Till im gone.

I’m so sorry that you feel this way.

I know I’m not a trained counsellor and I don’t even know your story, but even if you just want to talk I will happily give you my number on DM.

[cowboyengineer]

So how does one go about finding a counsellor. Maybe maybe not I’m depressed, sometimes for days on end I manage to do nothing, even having a shower seems too much like hard work.

Everything on the surface seems absolutely fine and yet my laziness causes me so many issues it’s becoming a concern. Nobody thinks I’m lazy though, so I think I need to go and see someone and explore my mental state.

[crofty1984]

cowboyengineer said:

So how does one go about finding a counsellor. Maybe maybe not I’m depressed, sometimes for days on end I manage to do nothing, even having a shower seems too much like hard work.

Everything on the surface seems absolutely fine and yet my laziness causes me so many issues it’s becoming a concern. Nobody thinks I’m lazy though, so I think I need to go and see someone and explore my mental state.

You can go to your GP who will recommend one, or if the NHS is very busy, you might be better off just hitting google for a counselor in your area (though you'll have to pay of course).
If you want to just talk to someone then there's the Samaritans.
Also look up CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)

[Fermit and Sexy Sarah]

A500leroy said:

EFH189 said:

A500leroy said:

Only 33 years to go for me.

Care to expand? I’m unsure what you mean?

Till im gone.

Hi Leroy. Consider things, that you have been on Pistonheads for what I guess are some years now, and you know what, it seems many posters like you, judging by the rapport you regularly achieve with other posters. Accordingly, many on here evidently respect/like you. I'm trying to demonstrate that life isn't a complete st show for you, and you have reasons to be around! Keep talking it out, this is the thread for it after all.

EFH, sorry to hear about your woes, sounds like you are gradually getting there, sorting it out wise.

Me, today I had what I consider to be a rather unhelpful CBT session, feeling it was too generalised, following a script/ process rather than being specific to me and where I'm at. Has left me feeling worse, rather than better. Once I've chewed it over and gained full clarity in my head regarding it I may elaborate further.

[crofty1984]

If we're also doing good stories - I'm feeling much better now than I did 6 months ago. A major part of the change is a change in jobs. I decided that being a sales rep was killing me, despite the good support from management, but the pressure of hitting targets, having to see x many customers a week, and working mainly on your own was getting to me. I'm not a control freak, I don't have any need to tell other people what to do, but I don't like feeling swept along and not having a say and i could get a bit like that.

In the end I decided to take a big pay cut and start a new job. It's in the automotive industry, helping to run projects. I get a commute to an office and work with a nice team of people, do interesting work, etc. There can still be a lot of stress, if a project's going sideways and they need stuff sorting ASAP etc. but I find actually I thrive under that kind of pressure. You're organising things, fixing a problem, helping folks out. The kind of pressure where there is a solution and you have some sort of control or a goal to work towards, rather than feeling helpless because no-one wants to buy your equipment.

The fact that I've removed a big part of my work stress also helps me to enjoy other parts of life as well, so it's a good feedback loop. Not everything is rosy all the time of course, but life is pretty good. Even if I can't afford as many shiny things!

Maybe my solution is a bit extreme for some, but I stand by what I said earlier that you may not realise that the problem is not necessarily you, sometimes you can be drowning in a situation and not realise it, and removing yourself from that situation will really help.

[EFH189]

That’s great to read your story Crofty, I’m really pleased for you. I also recognised similar some years ago, because work has such a big influence on our lives.

I left a c. £40k basic pay role for a 50% pay cut in a completely new sector and, although that job was highly stressful and ultimately only lasted a year but I still smashed it, it was the stepping stone into my current role of over two years and things have worked brilliantly and I’m earning well in excess of what I used to now.

Short term pain equals long term gain. I wish you well mate.

[Animal]

cowboyengineer said:

So how does one go about finding a counsellor. Maybe maybe not I’m depressed, sometimes for days on end I manage to do nothing, even having a shower seems too much like hard work.

Everything on the surface seems absolutely fine and yet my laziness causes me so many issues it’s becoming a concern. Nobody thinks I’m lazy though, so I think I need to go and see someone and explore my mental state.

By counsellor I think you mean psychotherapist or similar. A private therapist will be in the region of £60-70 per hour (sessions are usually 50 minutes).

Instead, why not try your local IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) service: you might need a referral from your GP, and there can sometimes be a wait, depending on local demand, but they can normally provide a range of different kinds of therapy dependnig on what they think you might need.

If you've got tons of money, go and see a private psychiatrist: I found a great one who gets straight to the point and pretty much gives me the answers, but his fees are far too high for me to be able to see him without private medical cover.

[tonyvid]

Fermit and Sexy Sarah said:

Me, today I had what I consider to be a rather unhelpful CBT session, feeling it was too generalised, following a script/ process rather than being specific to me and where I'm at. Has left me feeling worse, rather than better. Once I've chewed it over and gained full clarity in my head regarding it I may elaborate further.

That's very interesting about your CBT session, a few years ago I felt just the same and I've come to learn that therapy is so much more about the individual rather than simply following a process(which it what some organisations and therapists do). Following stages is very effective for things like addiction or substance abuse but, in my view, the therapy should be adaptable and tailored to the person in the session.

[A500leroy]

Fermit and Sexy Sarah said:

A500leroy said:

EFH189 said:

A500leroy said:

Only 33 years to go for me.

Care to expand? I’m unsure what you mean?

Till im gone.

Hi Leroy. Consider things, that you have been on Pistonheads for what I guess are some years now, and you know what, it seems many posters like you, judging by the rapport you regularly achieve with other posters. Accordingly, many on here evidently respect/like you. I'm trying to demonstrate that life isn't a complete st show for you, and you have reasons to be around! Keep talking it out, this is the thread for it after all.

EFH, sorry to hear about your woes, sounds like you are gradually getting there, sorting it out wise.

Me, today I had what I consider to be a rather unhelpful CBT session, feeling it was too generalised, following a script/ process rather than being specific to me and where I'm at. Has left me feeling worse, rather than better. Once I've chewed it over and gained full clarity in my head regarding it I may elaborate further.

Hey, Im just bored I think, I cant find enjoyment in anything anymore so it just seems like the highlight is earning money to pay bills, and that feels a bit pointless really! ( yes i know only I can change it but like I said if I dont find enjoyment in anything its hard to find the motivation)

[deadtom]

Thread bump

This is my first reply in this thread and I haven't really got anything specific to contribute, but I think I belong here and it helps just reading through and seeing that many others go through life feeling much the same way as I do.

Hope all are well.