Concerned about OH's drinking
Discussion
OP, you are either startlingly naive or in denial. Every time you catch her out, she seems to placate you with some long and meaningless chat. The difference between you is, she seems to learn from this and can better hide her drinking in future. You believe she has changed and the cycle repeats. You're being taken for a fool.
Don Roque said:
OP, you are either startlingly naive or in denial. Every time you catch her out, she seems to placate you with some long and meaningless chat. The difference between you is, she seems to learn from this and can better hide her drinking in future. You believe she has changed and the cycle repeats. You're being taken for a fool.
Yes!!!! Unfortunately bud i think this is true. I'd have left months ago. 
I am probably in denial. Maybe thinking that one day she will see the light and realise what harm she is doing to herself and us.
Thankfully we don't have children so leaving wouldn't be too difficult. But as I said in a previous post, if I left and then she took her own life I'm not sure I could forgive myself.
Does that make me an idiot? Probably.
She seems to be coming around to the idea of counselling though as I think she is realising that issues in her past mainly relating to her abusive marriage are still affecting her.
Thankfully we don't have children so leaving wouldn't be too difficult. But as I said in a previous post, if I left and then she took her own life I'm not sure I could forgive myself.
Does that make me an idiot? Probably.
She seems to be coming around to the idea of counselling though as I think she is realising that issues in her past mainly relating to her abusive marriage are still affecting her.
carew said:
I am probably in denial. Maybe thinking that one day she will see the light and realise what harm she is doing to herself and us.
Thankfully we don't have children so leaving wouldn't be too difficult. But as I said in a previous post, if I left and then she took her own life I'm not sure I could forgive myself.
Does that make me an idiot? Probably.
She seems to be coming around to the idea of counselling though as I think she is realising that issues in her past mainly relating to her abusive marriage are still affecting her.
Not in the slightest. You are in a relationship, you will do whatever you possibly can to help her, even to your own extreme detriment. Been there myself.Thankfully we don't have children so leaving wouldn't be too difficult. But as I said in a previous post, if I left and then she took her own life I'm not sure I could forgive myself.
Does that make me an idiot? Probably.
She seems to be coming around to the idea of counselling though as I think she is realising that issues in her past mainly relating to her abusive marriage are still affecting her.
(In my case she ended it, I walked into my work the next day and they said I looked a million times happier.)
Have you considered removing all alcohol from your house? - you may have to take her cards, cash, apple watches etc, but if she cannot physically get alcohol, she cannot drink alcohol. Doing this is extreme, and might be the straw that breaks the camels back, but then it would definitely be in the open.
Tell her mother, tell her friends, the more people she has around her that know what is going on and are willing to help her the better. If they know what is going on, and are willing to buy her alcohol, do you want them to still be your friends? - If they do not know what is going on and she asks them for a bottle because she "forgot" her wallet, they would offer to help and buy her some.
carew said:
I am probably in denial. Maybe thinking that one day she will see the light and realise what harm she is doing to herself and us.
Thankfully we don't have children so leaving wouldn't be too difficult. But as I said in a previous post, if I left and then she took her own life I'm not sure I could forgive myself.
Does that make me an idiot? Probably.
She seems to be coming around to the idea of counselling though as I think she is realising that issues in her past mainly relating to her abusive marriage are still affecting her.
Not forgive yourself for what? You can only do your best and sounds like you are doing that.Thankfully we don't have children so leaving wouldn't be too difficult. But as I said in a previous post, if I left and then she took her own life I'm not sure I could forgive myself.
Does that make me an idiot? Probably.
She seems to be coming around to the idea of counselling though as I think she is realising that issues in her past mainly relating to her abusive marriage are still affecting her.
So if you walk away and she does then mourn her, but don't accept any blame on your self.
And likely she won't take her life. You presence may be part of this particular pattern.
Sa Calobra said:
Henners said:
She loves booze more that she loves you.
No no one loves booze. It consumes and controls you. Unfortunately some people are within it's grasp completely.
Personally I feel if you haven't had children and want them look at horizons new and stay a friend.
The impact is the exact same.
carew said:
But as I said in a previous post, if I left and then she took her own life I'm not sure I could forgive myself.
To be blunt it sounds like she’s doing that now anyway, just in a slower manner:carew said:
...her discharge forms it made mention of acute liver damage. I questioned her on this and was told the consultant mentioned her liver was a bit fatty. To most people this would be a massive wake up call. But not my OH.
Well, what a 'fun' few weeks I've had since my last post.
My OH continues her downward spiral. Seems to be in a very dark place (no, not the wardrobe drinking!!) and spends most of the day in bed. And the drinking continues.
But, she did finally acknowledge that some form of counselling may help (her depression/anxiety rather than her drinking) and she sort her GP's advice. He gave her the number for the NHS mental health team, she spoke to someone there who gave her some information of a service in our area. But to me this seemed to focus more on young people so we had the number of a couple of private counsellors who'd been recommended to us and we gave one a call. And a session was arranged for last Tuesday evening. All was well until my OH decided to cancel, citing "not being in the right frame of mind"!!! Surely that's the best time to go to a counsellor. Basically I flipped and got very angry. I did threaten to leave but it's quite difficult to argue with someone who a) agrees with everything you say and b) is so down they don't come back with any real reasons why they aren't functioning although I guess this is depression in a nutshell.
But things got worse. On Wednesday I was woken early by the familiar sound of her throwing up in the bathroom. I then decided to look in her wardrobe and found 3 empty bottles of Bacardi, 3 empty bottles of wine and a bottle of Southern Comfort half empty. I had been away for the weekend and I strongly suspect this was how she occupied herself or at the very least for the few days prior to that too. One telling thing that she is addicted was when I threatened to poor the SC down the sink. She literally ran at me and grabbed the bottle!!
On Wednesday evening I came home and found her still unable to keep any liquids down (non alcoholic!) to such an extent where even a sip of water would be brought back up a few minutes later. I eventually called an ambulance and she was taken in. The paramedic asked me about drink as she'd asked my OH is she'd had a drink that day to which my OH has replied "No" even though the paramedic could smell it on her!
In hospital they rehydrated her and gave her anti sickness meds which helped. And they did ask about her drinking and to be fair to my OH she did admit to heavy drinking. When asked how many units a weeks she wasn't able to answer although I estimated 2 bottles on wine a day. She was discharged the next morning (as I guess they'd sorted out the reason for her being there i.e. the vomiting and dehydration).
We had a long talk and I advised her to ring AA. And to her credit she has and may be going to a meeting tonight. I say may as she is still feeling nauseous so may give it a miss. This would be disappointing but I am encouraged that she has made a small step and seems to acknowledge she has a problem. Whether she is paying lip service to it (and me) is another matter. But I have left her in no doubt that if it continues I will go. And if it does continue I must be strong enough to go through with it.
One question though. This continuous vomiting is something she has experienced before and I feel must be alcohol related. Does anyone know if this could be a sign of liver damage? In the hospital they did blood tests and said that her liver function was abnormal but not massively so. Or could the vomiting be caused by her body simply rejecting anything that it is asked to digest due to the excess alcohol? Or could the reason be that if she was effectively permanently under the influence, when she cuts down her drink she effectively goes into hangover mode hence the feeling sick?
Thanks.
My OH continues her downward spiral. Seems to be in a very dark place (no, not the wardrobe drinking!!) and spends most of the day in bed. And the drinking continues.
But, she did finally acknowledge that some form of counselling may help (her depression/anxiety rather than her drinking) and she sort her GP's advice. He gave her the number for the NHS mental health team, she spoke to someone there who gave her some information of a service in our area. But to me this seemed to focus more on young people so we had the number of a couple of private counsellors who'd been recommended to us and we gave one a call. And a session was arranged for last Tuesday evening. All was well until my OH decided to cancel, citing "not being in the right frame of mind"!!! Surely that's the best time to go to a counsellor. Basically I flipped and got very angry. I did threaten to leave but it's quite difficult to argue with someone who a) agrees with everything you say and b) is so down they don't come back with any real reasons why they aren't functioning although I guess this is depression in a nutshell.
But things got worse. On Wednesday I was woken early by the familiar sound of her throwing up in the bathroom. I then decided to look in her wardrobe and found 3 empty bottles of Bacardi, 3 empty bottles of wine and a bottle of Southern Comfort half empty. I had been away for the weekend and I strongly suspect this was how she occupied herself or at the very least for the few days prior to that too. One telling thing that she is addicted was when I threatened to poor the SC down the sink. She literally ran at me and grabbed the bottle!!
On Wednesday evening I came home and found her still unable to keep any liquids down (non alcoholic!) to such an extent where even a sip of water would be brought back up a few minutes later. I eventually called an ambulance and she was taken in. The paramedic asked me about drink as she'd asked my OH is she'd had a drink that day to which my OH has replied "No" even though the paramedic could smell it on her!
In hospital they rehydrated her and gave her anti sickness meds which helped. And they did ask about her drinking and to be fair to my OH she did admit to heavy drinking. When asked how many units a weeks she wasn't able to answer although I estimated 2 bottles on wine a day. She was discharged the next morning (as I guess they'd sorted out the reason for her being there i.e. the vomiting and dehydration).
We had a long talk and I advised her to ring AA. And to her credit she has and may be going to a meeting tonight. I say may as she is still feeling nauseous so may give it a miss. This would be disappointing but I am encouraged that she has made a small step and seems to acknowledge she has a problem. Whether she is paying lip service to it (and me) is another matter. But I have left her in no doubt that if it continues I will go. And if it does continue I must be strong enough to go through with it.
One question though. This continuous vomiting is something she has experienced before and I feel must be alcohol related. Does anyone know if this could be a sign of liver damage? In the hospital they did blood tests and said that her liver function was abnormal but not massively so. Or could the vomiting be caused by her body simply rejecting anything that it is asked to digest due to the excess alcohol? Or could the reason be that if she was effectively permanently under the influence, when she cuts down her drink she effectively goes into hangover mode hence the feeling sick?
Thanks.
carew said:
Well, what a 'fun' few weeks I've had since my last post.
My OH continues her downward spiral. Seems to be in a very dark place (no, not the wardrobe drinking!!) and spends most of the day in bed. And the drinking continues.
But, she did finally acknowledge that some form of counselling may help (her depression/anxiety rather than her drinking) and she sort her GP's advice. He gave her the number for the NHS mental health team, she spoke to someone there who gave her some information of a service in our area. But to me this seemed to focus more on young people so we had the number of a couple of private counsellors who'd been recommended to us and we gave one a call. And a session was arranged for last Tuesday evening. All was well until my OH decided to cancel, citing "not being in the right frame of mind"!!! Surely that's the best time to go to a counsellor. Basically I flipped and got very angry. I did threaten to leave but it's quite difficult to argue with someone who a) agrees with everything you say and b) is so down they don't come back with any real reasons why they aren't functioning although I guess this is depression in a nutshell.
But things got worse. On Wednesday I was woken early by the familiar sound of her throwing up in the bathroom. I then decided to look in her wardrobe and found 3 empty bottles of Bacardi, 3 empty bottles of wine and a bottle of Southern Comfort half empty. I had been away for the weekend and I strongly suspect this was how she occupied herself or at the very least for the few days prior to that too. One telling thing that she is addicted was when I threatened to poor the SC down the sink. She literally ran at me and grabbed the bottle!!
On Wednesday evening I came home and found her still unable to keep any liquids down (non alcoholic!) to such an extent where even a sip of water would be brought back up a few minutes later. I eventually called an ambulance and she was taken in. The paramedic asked me about drink as she'd asked my OH is she'd had a drink that day to which my OH has replied "No" even though the paramedic could smell it on her!
In hospital they rehydrated her and gave her anti sickness meds which helped. And they did ask about her drinking and to be fair to my OH she did admit to heavy drinking. When asked how many units a weeks she wasn't able to answer although I estimated 2 bottles on wine a day. She was discharged the next morning (as I guess they'd sorted out the reason for her being there i.e. the vomiting and dehydration).
We had a long talk and I advised her to ring AA. And to her credit she has and may be going to a meeting tonight. I say may as she is still feeling nauseous so may give it a miss. This would be disappointing but I am encouraged that she has made a small step and seems to acknowledge she has a problem. Whether she is paying lip service to it (and me) is another matter. But I have left her in no doubt that if it continues I will go. And if it does continue I must be strong enough to go through with it.
One question though. This continuous vomiting is something she has experienced before and I feel must be alcohol related. Does anyone know if this could be a sign of liver damage? In the hospital they did blood tests and said that her liver function was abnormal but not massively so. Or could the vomiting be caused by her body simply rejecting anything that it is asked to digest due to the excess alcohol? Or could the reason be that if she was effectively permanently under the influence, when she cuts down her drink she effectively goes into hangover mode hence the feeling sick?
Thanks.
It's only going to get worse mate.My OH continues her downward spiral. Seems to be in a very dark place (no, not the wardrobe drinking!!) and spends most of the day in bed. And the drinking continues.
But, she did finally acknowledge that some form of counselling may help (her depression/anxiety rather than her drinking) and she sort her GP's advice. He gave her the number for the NHS mental health team, she spoke to someone there who gave her some information of a service in our area. But to me this seemed to focus more on young people so we had the number of a couple of private counsellors who'd been recommended to us and we gave one a call. And a session was arranged for last Tuesday evening. All was well until my OH decided to cancel, citing "not being in the right frame of mind"!!! Surely that's the best time to go to a counsellor. Basically I flipped and got very angry. I did threaten to leave but it's quite difficult to argue with someone who a) agrees with everything you say and b) is so down they don't come back with any real reasons why they aren't functioning although I guess this is depression in a nutshell.
But things got worse. On Wednesday I was woken early by the familiar sound of her throwing up in the bathroom. I then decided to look in her wardrobe and found 3 empty bottles of Bacardi, 3 empty bottles of wine and a bottle of Southern Comfort half empty. I had been away for the weekend and I strongly suspect this was how she occupied herself or at the very least for the few days prior to that too. One telling thing that she is addicted was when I threatened to poor the SC down the sink. She literally ran at me and grabbed the bottle!!
On Wednesday evening I came home and found her still unable to keep any liquids down (non alcoholic!) to such an extent where even a sip of water would be brought back up a few minutes later. I eventually called an ambulance and she was taken in. The paramedic asked me about drink as she'd asked my OH is she'd had a drink that day to which my OH has replied "No" even though the paramedic could smell it on her!
In hospital they rehydrated her and gave her anti sickness meds which helped. And they did ask about her drinking and to be fair to my OH she did admit to heavy drinking. When asked how many units a weeks she wasn't able to answer although I estimated 2 bottles on wine a day. She was discharged the next morning (as I guess they'd sorted out the reason for her being there i.e. the vomiting and dehydration).
We had a long talk and I advised her to ring AA. And to her credit she has and may be going to a meeting tonight. I say may as she is still feeling nauseous so may give it a miss. This would be disappointing but I am encouraged that she has made a small step and seems to acknowledge she has a problem. Whether she is paying lip service to it (and me) is another matter. But I have left her in no doubt that if it continues I will go. And if it does continue I must be strong enough to go through with it.
One question though. This continuous vomiting is something she has experienced before and I feel must be alcohol related. Does anyone know if this could be a sign of liver damage? In the hospital they did blood tests and said that her liver function was abnormal but not massively so. Or could the vomiting be caused by her body simply rejecting anything that it is asked to digest due to the excess alcohol? Or could the reason be that if she was effectively permanently under the influence, when she cuts down her drink she effectively goes into hangover mode hence the feeling sick?
Thanks.
If she doesn't attend AA then that says it all.
She should go unless she literally is unable to go. You could go with her.
But otherwise yes, start running, the advice most gave months ago!!
Sa Calobra said:
Has she lost alot of weight?
The question on liver damage.
I don't think that's a question that needs to be asked sadly.
My best mate lost his mum to liver failure at the age of 42
Yes she has. Probably about 4 stone in 3 or 4 years (she wasn't tiny before but certainly not 4 stone overweight.) The question on liver damage.
I don't think that's a question that needs to be asked sadly.
My best mate lost his mum to liver failure at the age of 42
toastyhamster said:
Utterly staggered they discharged her in the morning! I would like to PM you to offer some advice, but your profile doesn't allow it, can you get in touch pls.
To be fair they did mention that she should attend some kind of rehab/addiction centre but didn't go any further than that. As I said in the post I suspect places like A&E (or equivalent) deal with purely what's in front of them not the reasoning behind it. Be nice if they did but lack of time, beds, resource, etc puts paid to that.I have changed my settings so hopefully you'll be able to PM me now.
This is spiralling out of control and has been since you first posted. It is incredibly sad for you but the fact is that she is killing herself, with or without you. It's inevitable. You have the power of reason, she does not. In fact, she has no power of cognitive thought at all as her sole aim is to self medicate with any alcohol available.
If you persist with this you will also need to register with Al Anon just to get over the trauma of seeing someone do this to themselves. My aunt was married for several decades to a binge drinker. He was a high functioning alcoholic but it still affected everyone in his family. His son became an alcoholic too (and killed someone whilst driving under the influence - did jail time for that). There is no good in you thinking that things will get easier but I wish you all the very best. I'd hate to be in your position. Thank goodness there are no children involved.
JM
If you persist with this you will also need to register with Al Anon just to get over the trauma of seeing someone do this to themselves. My aunt was married for several decades to a binge drinker. He was a high functioning alcoholic but it still affected everyone in his family. His son became an alcoholic too (and killed someone whilst driving under the influence - did jail time for that). There is no good in you thinking that things will get easier but I wish you all the very best. I'd hate to be in your position. Thank goodness there are no children involved.
JM
carew said:
Yes she has. Probably about 4 stone in 3 or 4 years (she wasn't tiny before but certainly not 4 stone overweight.)
Is it effecting your work and social life?What an awful position for you to be in. Some may see her as the victim however you are firmly the victim of the alcohol here too.
What's the financial situation like? Are you married, mortgage?
As there comes a time when you will need to consider cutting her loose and getting on with your life.
You started this thread in January 2017... 2017!
Is she really still the same woman that you fell for, or is that person long gone...
If both young, would you risk your future kids having a woman with such issues. Is there a future.
As there comes a time when you will need to consider cutting her loose and getting on with your life.
You started this thread in January 2017... 2017!
Is she really still the same woman that you fell for, or is that person long gone...
If both young, would you risk your future kids having a woman with such issues. Is there a future.
Edited by hyphen on Saturday 19th January 21:36
I've mentioned before that I was in the same position ( and it got worse) as your partner. The phase your entering now is when it starts to get a proper grip, The health services as everyone in the position discovers really arent very good at all. No medical team is going to come over the hill and make everything alright. Her choices are to find the strength within herself to stop or everything that she is will be destroyed and anyone near her is going to be badly affected. Call AA yourself, they are able to send women that have been in the same position as your partner round to your house to talk to her. You need to start asserting yourself or your going down with her. Kick her out or man the f*ck up and give her some tough support. "Not feeling in the right frame of mind for counselling"?!?. If need be she needs to be going on the end of your boot mate.
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