Concerned about OH's drinking
Discussion
carew said:
Morning.
My OH had a bad night last night. Not alcohol related but with her anxiety. She couldn't put her finger on anything specific but it was clear she was in quite a bad way. Finally got back off to sleep but she again anxious when we woke up. And then it happened. I was in the kitchen and heard her go into the other bedroom where she keeps her handbag. I heard the bottle open and I came up the stairs. She managed to get the bottle back in her handbag but she knew she'd been rumbled. I told her she needs to get help at least with her anxiety as I'm sure that is the main cause of all of this.
I'm feeling strangely positive about all of this as I'm 99.9% certain everything is in open now.
Maybe I'm just being optimistic but here's hoping.
Tackle the cause and the symptoms simultaneously if anxiety is allowed to build into depression - the consequences will matter less in her head My OH had a bad night last night. Not alcohol related but with her anxiety. She couldn't put her finger on anything specific but it was clear she was in quite a bad way. Finally got back off to sleep but she again anxious when we woke up. And then it happened. I was in the kitchen and heard her go into the other bedroom where she keeps her handbag. I heard the bottle open and I came up the stairs. She managed to get the bottle back in her handbag but she knew she'd been rumbled. I told her she needs to get help at least with her anxiety as I'm sure that is the main cause of all of this.
I'm feeling strangely positive about all of this as I'm 99.9% certain everything is in open now.
Maybe I'm just being optimistic but here's hoping.
Focus on why she is drinking, as I think the dire warnings of consequences will exacerbate it eventually. Give her someone to lean on, and don't lose the optimism - share it with her. It means she will know you are there, supporting, helping and most importantly, judgement free.
I agree as sad as it is for you she lied to the doctor/was not honest about how bad her problem is if he is not worried. Unfortunately untill she is honest there is not a lot a doctor can do, I would suggest she goes back and maybe try to suggest you go with her "for support" as she will have to be more open and honest if you are there. As I said last time though it's 100% on her untill she is willing too there is not much you can do.
Good morning all, just thought I'd give you all an update.
Things seemed to improve over the weeks/months although I still had my suspicions that my OH was still drinking. And then about a month ago my OH had a night when she was being sick, every 10 minutes or so. This resulted in a trip to A&E and a day stay in a ward. Tests were carried out and one of them detected an abnormality in her liver and the doctor recommended that she drunk nothing for at least 6 months to see if that normalised the readings. (Incidentally, she had a similar episode a few years ago when she was told the same thing.)
All was well until last week when I came home and found the car parked at a very jaunty angle on the drive and my OH practically passed out on the bed although she denied she had been drinking.
And then this morning I went into the garage and saw a half empty bottle of rum amongst the detergents. I went potty and stormed out. She rang me on the way to work and we had a blazing row. She said that she does it because I don't allow her a drink so it's my fault!! I pointed out that her not drinking is nothing to do with my thoughts/beliefs or anything but to do with her health. This could be the end of our relationship as I really can't deal with this anymore. I love her but don't think it's fair on me that I am constantly on edge.
Things seemed to improve over the weeks/months although I still had my suspicions that my OH was still drinking. And then about a month ago my OH had a night when she was being sick, every 10 minutes or so. This resulted in a trip to A&E and a day stay in a ward. Tests were carried out and one of them detected an abnormality in her liver and the doctor recommended that she drunk nothing for at least 6 months to see if that normalised the readings. (Incidentally, she had a similar episode a few years ago when she was told the same thing.)
All was well until last week when I came home and found the car parked at a very jaunty angle on the drive and my OH practically passed out on the bed although she denied she had been drinking.
And then this morning I went into the garage and saw a half empty bottle of rum amongst the detergents. I went potty and stormed out. She rang me on the way to work and we had a blazing row. She said that she does it because I don't allow her a drink so it's my fault!! I pointed out that her not drinking is nothing to do with my thoughts/beliefs or anything but to do with her health. This could be the end of our relationship as I really can't deal with this anymore. I love her but don't think it's fair on me that I am constantly on edge.
I'm sorry to hear this,
It's a shame my heart goes out to you both.
A long time ago we had a driver that was like this,
Come in for a few weeks then off for a few weeks, the cycles repeated with him for 15 years, with numerous clinics and different jobs and various lifelines offered him
He seemed to work his way through different groups of friends.
All reaching the end of their tether.
Seems to me they have to want it for themselves, but it must be very distressing for you all in the meantime.
Really hope it works out for you tho mate
It's a shame my heart goes out to you both.
A long time ago we had a driver that was like this,
Come in for a few weeks then off for a few weeks, the cycles repeated with him for 15 years, with numerous clinics and different jobs and various lifelines offered him
He seemed to work his way through different groups of friends.
All reaching the end of their tether.
Seems to me they have to want it for themselves, but it must be very distressing for you all in the meantime.
Really hope it works out for you tho mate
There is never a happy ending to this. Get out now while your sanity and self respect are intact.
If you stay, you will blame yourself for everything, you will mourn for the loss of anything approaching a normal life and you will come to despise your wife for the lies, and the lack of respect for you and herself.
I was brought up by a functioning alcoholic mother; trust me, things NEVER get better.
If you stay, you will blame yourself for everything, you will mourn for the loss of anything approaching a normal life and you will come to despise your wife for the lies, and the lack of respect for you and herself.
I was brought up by a functioning alcoholic mother; trust me, things NEVER get better.
An aunt of mine had the support of the entire family to help her stop drinking. Sadly she kept on drinking which resulted in her moving out into a flat over the shop she worked in, where she was found dead by her son after no one had seen her for a few days.
Doesnt matter how much help and support is on offer, if they dont want to stop they wont.
Doesnt matter how much help and support is on offer, if they dont want to stop they wont.
Really sorry, Carew. Horrible situation.
The booze is symptom, not cause.
Nothing aimed at her drinking less can possibly help until or unless the reason for the drinking has been tackled in some way - I know others have mentioned that in this thread too. That might involve psychotherapy and/or psychiatry and I'll hazard a (laymans) guess that she maybe needs some help from medication too.
I've had bad waking im the middle of the night anxiety since a bereavement a couple of years ago - the answer for me has been having on hand something to watch, read or do (iPad has been great for this) - basically never letting myself just lie there thinking.
The booze is symptom, not cause.
Nothing aimed at her drinking less can possibly help until or unless the reason for the drinking has been tackled in some way - I know others have mentioned that in this thread too. That might involve psychotherapy and/or psychiatry and I'll hazard a (laymans) guess that she maybe needs some help from medication too.
I've had bad waking im the middle of the night anxiety since a bereavement a couple of years ago - the answer for me has been having on hand something to watch, read or do (iPad has been great for this) - basically never letting myself just lie there thinking.
Like the frog in slowly boiling water.....you don't realise how terrible your life is with a drinker until you are at deaths door yourself!
I recall explaining to a friend a summary of my life, thinking it all sounded sane and he'd offer me a few titbits of advise on my wife's drinking.......he simply said, when are you leaving her....because it needs to happen now.
She went from loving mum of 3 to homeless, drunk that has been tasered by police, sectioned, arrested, the list goes on.
She will never see her kids again, the two older ones would be happy if she simply died. She has nothing at, at 41....if she makes 50 I'd be staggered!
Tried EVERYTHING, read every book, saw every doctor......could write a book on what I tried. Pointless - drink comes ahead of family, money, work, friends, health.....there is no rock bottom. Only more drink.
You need to know all there is to know about drinking - watch Flight with Denzil Washington......get as far as the scene where he simply has to stay sober one night to get his life back on track and avoid jail........see what happens then turn off before the end where he actually finds some sense of redemption - because that doesn't happen.
I recall explaining to a friend a summary of my life, thinking it all sounded sane and he'd offer me a few titbits of advise on my wife's drinking.......he simply said, when are you leaving her....because it needs to happen now.
She went from loving mum of 3 to homeless, drunk that has been tasered by police, sectioned, arrested, the list goes on.
She will never see her kids again, the two older ones would be happy if she simply died. She has nothing at, at 41....if she makes 50 I'd be staggered!
Tried EVERYTHING, read every book, saw every doctor......could write a book on what I tried. Pointless - drink comes ahead of family, money, work, friends, health.....there is no rock bottom. Only more drink.
You need to know all there is to know about drinking - watch Flight with Denzil Washington......get as far as the scene where he simply has to stay sober one night to get his life back on track and avoid jail........see what happens then turn off before the end where he actually finds some sense of redemption - because that doesn't happen.
carew said:
Good morning all, just thought I'd give you all an update.
Things seemed to improve over the weeks/months although I still had my suspicions that my OH was still drinking. And then about a month ago my OH had a night when she was being sick, every 10 minutes or so. This resulted in a trip to A&E and a day stay in a ward. Tests were carried out and one of them detected an abnormality in her liver and the doctor recommended that she drunk nothing for at least 6 months to see if that normalised the readings. (Incidentally, she had a similar episode a few years ago when she was told the same thing.)
All was well until last week when I came home and found the car parked at a very jaunty angle on the drive and my OH practically passed out on the bed although she denied she had been drinking.
And then this morning I went into the garage and saw a half empty bottle of rum amongst the detergents. I went potty and stormed out. She rang me on the way to work and we had a blazing row. She said that she does it because I don't allow her a drink so it's my fault!! I pointed out that her not drinking is nothing to do with my thoughts/beliefs or anything but to do with her health. This could be the end of our relationship as I really can't deal with this anymore. I love her but don't think it's fair on me that I am constantly on edge.
It's always your fault. Leave while you still have your sanity.Things seemed to improve over the weeks/months although I still had my suspicions that my OH was still drinking. And then about a month ago my OH had a night when she was being sick, every 10 minutes or so. This resulted in a trip to A&E and a day stay in a ward. Tests were carried out and one of them detected an abnormality in her liver and the doctor recommended that she drunk nothing for at least 6 months to see if that normalised the readings. (Incidentally, she had a similar episode a few years ago when she was told the same thing.)
All was well until last week when I came home and found the car parked at a very jaunty angle on the drive and my OH practically passed out on the bed although she denied she had been drinking.
And then this morning I went into the garage and saw a half empty bottle of rum amongst the detergents. I went potty and stormed out. She rang me on the way to work and we had a blazing row. She said that she does it because I don't allow her a drink so it's my fault!! I pointed out that her not drinking is nothing to do with my thoughts/beliefs or anything but to do with her health. This could be the end of our relationship as I really can't deal with this anymore. I love her but don't think it's fair on me that I am constantly on edge.
carew said:
Good morning all, just thought I'd give you all an update.
Things seemed to improve over the weeks/months although I still had my suspicions that my OH was still drinking. And then about a month ago my OH had a night when she was being sick, every 10 minutes or so. This resulted in a trip to A&E and a day stay in a ward. Tests were carried out and one of them detected an abnormality in her liver and the doctor recommended that she drunk nothing for at least 6 months to see if that normalised the readings. (Incidentally, she had a similar episode a few years ago when she was told the same thing.)
All was well until last week when I came home and found the car parked at a very jaunty angle on the drive and my OH practically passed out on the bed although she denied she had been drinking.
And then this morning I went into the garage and saw a half empty bottle of rum amongst the detergents. I went potty and stormed out. She rang me on the way to work and we had a blazing row. She said that she does it because I don't allow her a drink so it's my fault!! I pointed out that her not drinking is nothing to do with my thoughts/beliefs or anything but to do with her health. This could be the end of our relationship as I really can't deal with this anymore. I love her but don't think it's fair on me that I am constantly on edge.
Very sorry to hear all that. Unfortunately, as you know, there's a saying about '.......you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink'. You won't be able to stop her - I think you may have known this all along. Unless she actually does something dramatic to stop drinking (now unlikely) then the future looks grim. Look after yourself.Things seemed to improve over the weeks/months although I still had my suspicions that my OH was still drinking. And then about a month ago my OH had a night when she was being sick, every 10 minutes or so. This resulted in a trip to A&E and a day stay in a ward. Tests were carried out and one of them detected an abnormality in her liver and the doctor recommended that she drunk nothing for at least 6 months to see if that normalised the readings. (Incidentally, she had a similar episode a few years ago when she was told the same thing.)
All was well until last week when I came home and found the car parked at a very jaunty angle on the drive and my OH practically passed out on the bed although she denied she had been drinking.
And then this morning I went into the garage and saw a half empty bottle of rum amongst the detergents. I went potty and stormed out. She rang me on the way to work and we had a blazing row. She said that she does it because I don't allow her a drink so it's my fault!! I pointed out that her not drinking is nothing to do with my thoughts/beliefs or anything but to do with her health. This could be the end of our relationship as I really can't deal with this anymore. I love her but don't think it's fair on me that I am constantly on edge.
OP: that's a very tough one to deal with.
Does your wife have fmaily/friends that know about this, or that could help (you) and be at least a little less emotionally attached?... sorry if that's not phrased better, but pushing a hard option - like leaving her - as an alternative, will be tough(er) for her to deal with
Does your wife have fmaily/friends that know about this, or that could help (you) and be at least a little less emotionally attached?... sorry if that's not phrased better, but pushing a hard option - like leaving her - as an alternative, will be tough(er) for her to deal with
Robertj21a said:
Very sorry to hear all that. Unfortunately, as you know, there's a saying about '.......you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink'. You won't be able to stop her - I think you may have known this all along. Unless she actually does something dramatic to stop drinking (now unlikely) then the future looks grim. Look after yourself.
+1 Be there for her, but at a distance. If she can't talk to you about this and you have tried everything then time to let go and see if she come back for help herself.If she has family/friends, consider gathering them all together in the US style of Intervention one evening as a the final step.
hyphen said:
+1 Be there for her, but at a distance. If she can't talk to you about this and you have tried everything then time to let go and see if she come back for help herself.
If she has family/friends, consider gathering them all together in the US style of Intervention one evening as a the final step.
Honestly this will be a waste of time.If she has family/friends, consider gathering them all together in the US style of Intervention one evening as a the final step.
OP needs to move on, for his own sanity. I suspect he has tried everything possible within the realms of the law and sanity to help.
She needs help, the only help would be professional, in a centre.
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