Concerned about OH's drinking
Discussion
Hi OP,
I work with people who have been sectioned for various reasons and alcohol related stuff is one of them.
From what I have read your wife appears to be struggling to cope with life due to her anxiety. None of us here have any idea what the cause of anxiety could be, even if there is one at all. For some its simply unattributable to a single cause.
If her drinking is bad enough to cause the doctor to do a liver function test then it is very likely she's damaged it. Whether its reversible or not time & more tests will tell.
The key thing is whether she has become dependent on alcohol. Its one of only three substances the human body can become dependent on, everything else is just an addiction. Dependence then cold turkey can lead to delirium tremenz then death. Do her hands shake before shes had a drink in the morning?
She really needs to hit her rock bottom. So she can truly see what is happening around her. This is usually the only starting point to 'recovery' However there are a few services that could aid this.
AA is the obvious one. Turning point is another. If there is a local ish turning point service I would recommend them.
http://www.turning-point.co.uk/substance-misuse/fo...
Another option is CGL or Change Grow Live.
https://www.changegrowlive.org/
These services offer a medicated detox from alcohol and will safely ween her off it. Once that is sorted you need to look for a solution to the anxiety. It wont be easy but it is doable.
On Monday I will ask at work if anyone knows of other options besides the ones I have mentioned to you. Also, feel free to email me via PH if you wish, or you think I can help you further.
Alex
I work with people who have been sectioned for various reasons and alcohol related stuff is one of them.
From what I have read your wife appears to be struggling to cope with life due to her anxiety. None of us here have any idea what the cause of anxiety could be, even if there is one at all. For some its simply unattributable to a single cause.
If her drinking is bad enough to cause the doctor to do a liver function test then it is very likely she's damaged it. Whether its reversible or not time & more tests will tell.
The key thing is whether she has become dependent on alcohol. Its one of only three substances the human body can become dependent on, everything else is just an addiction. Dependence then cold turkey can lead to delirium tremenz then death. Do her hands shake before shes had a drink in the morning?
She really needs to hit her rock bottom. So she can truly see what is happening around her. This is usually the only starting point to 'recovery' However there are a few services that could aid this.
AA is the obvious one. Turning point is another. If there is a local ish turning point service I would recommend them.
http://www.turning-point.co.uk/substance-misuse/fo...
Another option is CGL or Change Grow Live.
https://www.changegrowlive.org/
These services offer a medicated detox from alcohol and will safely ween her off it. Once that is sorted you need to look for a solution to the anxiety. It wont be easy but it is doable.
On Monday I will ask at work if anyone knows of other options besides the ones I have mentioned to you. Also, feel free to email me via PH if you wish, or you think I can help you further.
Alex
Afternoon all. First of all, thanks to everybody who've taken the time and trouble to respond.
Well, we are still together. I've explained again and again that I'm simply looking out for her health and there's nothing that I'd like more than for her to have a drink or 2 in the evening rather than middle of the night, first thing in the morning, etc.
People who have responded to say that her drinking is the symptom rather than the cause are spot on I feel. Basically she's had a bad few years with work, health, family bereavement, etc and whilst many of us go through similar (and worse) many of us don't find comfort with a bottle of wine in the middle of the night!
I think she does need a reality check, something to make her realise what she is doing to herself and those around her. What that reality check is who knows. Me leaving, even temporarily is a possibility.
She has some blood tests due this week and I will make every effort to go to her GP for the results.
Well, we are still together. I've explained again and again that I'm simply looking out for her health and there's nothing that I'd like more than for her to have a drink or 2 in the evening rather than middle of the night, first thing in the morning, etc.
People who have responded to say that her drinking is the symptom rather than the cause are spot on I feel. Basically she's had a bad few years with work, health, family bereavement, etc and whilst many of us go through similar (and worse) many of us don't find comfort with a bottle of wine in the middle of the night!
I think she does need a reality check, something to make her realise what she is doing to herself and those around her. What that reality check is who knows. Me leaving, even temporarily is a possibility.
She has some blood tests due this week and I will make every effort to go to her GP for the results.
As others have said, she needs to get off the booze first. If that succeeds her anxiety will probably improve anyway because chemically alcohol actually causes anxiety. Then go from there.
Talk of having one or two drinks a night prob won't help though, she needs to get it out of her system so her brain can stabilise a bit.
Talk of having one or two drinks a night prob won't help though, she needs to get it out of her system so her brain can stabilise a bit.
Season's greetings to everyone. Just thought I'd give you an update on the situation.
I am still with my OH but unfortunately she is still secretly drinking. Nothing at all seems to get through to her though. She spent a week in hospital in the summer (women's issues)and on her discharge forms it made mention of acute liver damage. I questioned her on this and was told the consultant mentioned her liver was a bit fatty. To most people this would be a massive wake up call. But not my OH.
Question; we don't share the same GP or even surgery. I presume I couldn't make an appointment with her GP to discuss her situation due to doctor/patient confidentiality? My thoughts would be to tell them what was going on with the hope that they would then call her on?
Going to see my own GP would be a waste of time as I suspect they would just tell me that my OH needs to see her own GP or AA or the like?
Despite how many times I express my concern it seems to make no difference. Leaving her is very much an option although I do worry what would happen to her.
I think what is very hard though is that nobody else knows about this (although I'm sure some would not be massively surprised if told). I'm tempted to tell a friend of hers as they have similar issues (not drink related but psychological) but it's hard telling someone a friend has alcohol issues.
Any thoughts?
I am still with my OH but unfortunately she is still secretly drinking. Nothing at all seems to get through to her though. She spent a week in hospital in the summer (women's issues)and on her discharge forms it made mention of acute liver damage. I questioned her on this and was told the consultant mentioned her liver was a bit fatty. To most people this would be a massive wake up call. But not my OH.
Question; we don't share the same GP or even surgery. I presume I couldn't make an appointment with her GP to discuss her situation due to doctor/patient confidentiality? My thoughts would be to tell them what was going on with the hope that they would then call her on?
Going to see my own GP would be a waste of time as I suspect they would just tell me that my OH needs to see her own GP or AA or the like?
Despite how many times I express my concern it seems to make no difference. Leaving her is very much an option although I do worry what would happen to her.
I think what is very hard though is that nobody else knows about this (although I'm sure some would not be massively surprised if told). I'm tempted to tell a friend of hers as they have similar issues (not drink related but psychological) but it's hard telling someone a friend has alcohol issues.
Any thoughts?
carew said:
Season's greetings to everyone. Just thought I'd give you an update on the situation.
I am still with my OH but unfortunately she is still secretly drinking. Nothing at all seems to get through to her though. She spent a week in hospital in the summer (women's issues)and on her discharge forms it made mention of acute liver damage. I questioned her on this and was told the consultant mentioned her liver was a bit fatty. To most people this would be a massive wake up call. But not my OH.
Question; we don't share the same GP or even surgery. I presume I couldn't make an appointment with her GP to discuss her situation due to doctor/patient confidentiality? My thoughts would be to tell them what was going on with the hope that they would then call her on?
Going to see my own GP would be a waste of time as I suspect they would just tell me that my OH needs to see her own GP or AA or the like?
Despite how many times I express my concern it seems to make no difference. Leaving her is very much an option although I do worry what would happen to her.
I think what is very hard though is that nobody else knows about this (although I'm sure some would not be massively surprised if told). I'm tempted to tell a friend of hers as they have similar issues (not drink related but psychological) but it's hard telling someone a friend has alcohol issues.
Any thoughts?
Hi bud.I am still with my OH but unfortunately she is still secretly drinking. Nothing at all seems to get through to her though. She spent a week in hospital in the summer (women's issues)and on her discharge forms it made mention of acute liver damage. I questioned her on this and was told the consultant mentioned her liver was a bit fatty. To most people this would be a massive wake up call. But not my OH.
Question; we don't share the same GP or even surgery. I presume I couldn't make an appointment with her GP to discuss her situation due to doctor/patient confidentiality? My thoughts would be to tell them what was going on with the hope that they would then call her on?
Going to see my own GP would be a waste of time as I suspect they would just tell me that my OH needs to see her own GP or AA or the like?
Despite how many times I express my concern it seems to make no difference. Leaving her is very much an option although I do worry what would happen to her.
I think what is very hard though is that nobody else knows about this (although I'm sure some would not be massively surprised if told). I'm tempted to tell a friend of hers as they have similar issues (not drink related but psychological) but it's hard telling someone a friend has alcohol issues.
Any thoughts?
As I said before, leave. It's obviously not healthy for you to be worrying this much and when someone does not want the help there is not much you can do.
She will be oblivious to the damage she is causing to herself and those around her.
Call it quits on your relationship and allow yourself time to heal, preferably inside another woman
(just kidding).Happy xmas!!!
HI Carew, you have to look out for yourself in all of this. Sadly, it sounds as if nothing, not even your partner’s own health and mortality, can wrestle her away from the devil that is booze, so what chance do you have? I completely respect and admire the dedication and love you are showing to someone who obviously means so much to you. Ultimately though your responsibility is to yourself and you have to move on. It seems as if you are in an unwinnable war. I can only imagine the toll that this situation is taking on you....best of luck.
IMO the drinking will be most likely related to some kind of coping mechanism.
The problem won't have been originally drinking - that is the symptom - the issue is what is causing it.
I'd say you need to carefully think through the possible original cause - for most people this will be an issue at work, family, or in their relationship.
You can't of course ask directly - your wife won't reveal the issue, or she may even be blind to it.
If it was my wife, I would change the situation. Maybe encourage her to find a different role, as this is a likely cause of the problem.
The problem won't have been originally drinking - that is the symptom - the issue is what is causing it.
I'd say you need to carefully think through the possible original cause - for most people this will be an issue at work, family, or in their relationship.
You can't of course ask directly - your wife won't reveal the issue, or she may even be blind to it.
If it was my wife, I would change the situation. Maybe encourage her to find a different role, as this is a likely cause of the problem.
xjay1337 said:
Hi bud.
As I said before, leave. It's obviously not healthy for you to be worrying this much and when someone does not want the help there is not much you can do.
She will be oblivious to the damage she is causing to herself and those around her.
Call it quits on your relationship and allow yourself time to heal, preferably inside another woman (just kidding).
Happy xmas!!!
I'm with xjay on this one.As I said before, leave. It's obviously not healthy for you to be worrying this much and when someone does not want the help there is not much you can do.
She will be oblivious to the damage she is causing to herself and those around her.
Call it quits on your relationship and allow yourself time to heal, preferably inside another woman
(just kidding).Happy xmas!!!
All you really can do is get out and save yourself. Tell her why you are doing it, then do it.
On the other points:
The underlying cause is more likely to be relationship/s than job, IMO, because they are harder to change, easier to feel trapped, etc. You could literally be that cause.
You've no right to talk to her GP about this, or your GP to talk to her, or her GP, or any combination.
And I don't think you should tell her friend about it. It's a betrayal of trust, no matter how you justify it to yourself. It's just dumping your problem on an innocent party.
Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
On the other hand I would speak to the friend. Worst case, the friend now doesn't like you, and your wife keeps drinking. Any improvement from that is the friend starting to think about your wife's drinking. Does the friend want your wife to suffer from too much booze?
If you did dry January, then any booze in the house would be noticed, but quiting cold turkey might not be best?
And whilst I can understand patient confidentiality, if I were not allowed to talk to my wife's doctor about any issues I had with her like this I would not be happy. I'm not saying they have to tell me anything, just raise the issue with them, they will then have a bit more info in their head next time she comes in on something unrelated. In a similar vain I am keeping an eye on my parents wellbeing, if they start forgetting things I would need to help, how I don't know yet, but their docs would be one place I would start at.
Merry Christmas!
If you did dry January, then any booze in the house would be noticed, but quiting cold turkey might not be best?
And whilst I can understand patient confidentiality, if I were not allowed to talk to my wife's doctor about any issues I had with her like this I would not be happy. I'm not saying they have to tell me anything, just raise the issue with them, they will then have a bit more info in their head next time she comes in on something unrelated. In a similar vain I am keeping an eye on my parents wellbeing, if they start forgetting things I would need to help, how I don't know yet, but their docs would be one place I would start at.
Merry Christmas!
Sheesh, an unwelcome update to the thread.
From our experience there is nothing you can do. Each situation is different so I’m not claiming to be the font of all knowledge.
But once you’ve reached this stage you basically need to make a decision as to whether to stick around or not.
Now, you could stick around to witness a massive turn around as unlikely as that may be.
Or you you could be sticking around to witness the chaos, heart ache, health issues and emotional distresss of watching a loved one kill themselves one drink at a time. Because that’s what it amounts to-a suicide over a few years.
Or you can get out.
There really are only those three options left. It’s up to you which you decide.
I don’t know you so can’t recommend which one is best in the slightest, but you absolutely do need to commit to staying or going and all that entails.
Good luck, whichever you choose you’ll need it.
From our experience there is nothing you can do. Each situation is different so I’m not claiming to be the font of all knowledge.
But once you’ve reached this stage you basically need to make a decision as to whether to stick around or not.
Now, you could stick around to witness a massive turn around as unlikely as that may be.
Or you you could be sticking around to witness the chaos, heart ache, health issues and emotional distresss of watching a loved one kill themselves one drink at a time. Because that’s what it amounts to-a suicide over a few years.
Or you can get out.
There really are only those three options left. It’s up to you which you decide.
I don’t know you so can’t recommend which one is best in the slightest, but you absolutely do need to commit to staying or going and all that entails.
Good luck, whichever you choose you’ll need it.
I've recently separated from my partner of 7 years, due largely in part to her drink problem.
I tried to break up with her last Christmas, but she talked me round. I felt sorry for her and still loved her.
I wish dearly that I had gone through with it fully then (or before) , instead of dragging it out and prolonging the pain.
OP - you haven't talked much about how this is affecting you on an emotional level? It near destroyed me, trying to cope with her. Please consider getting some counselling yourself over this. Living with an alcoholic partner can take a hell of toll.
Good luck mate. Be strong.
I tried to break up with her last Christmas, but she talked me round. I felt sorry for her and still loved her.
I wish dearly that I had gone through with it fully then (or before) , instead of dragging it out and prolonging the pain.
OP - you haven't talked much about how this is affecting you on an emotional level? It near destroyed me, trying to cope with her. Please consider getting some counselling yourself over this. Living with an alcoholic partner can take a hell of toll.
Good luck mate. Be strong.
The message I wrote on Monday whilst at work. When I got home the situation changed.....
I came in and she was in bed as she is suffering from the usual Winter cough/cold. But I could tell that there was something else so we had a long talk and the subject of her drinking came out. I didn't accuse her directly but I simply said that she needs to look at her lifestyle as a whole, what she eats, drinks, exercise as she seems very prone to feeling unwell. Roll forward an hour when I was downstairs reading and heard her go into another room and then go into the bathroom when I heard the unmistakeable sound of a bottle of wine being opened!!
Well, I'm ashamed to say that I flew upstairs and essentially flipped. Not physically but verbally saying that not an hour earlier we have discussed drinking and then she just throws it back in my face. I then got emotional, some tears and shaking. I think this shook her a bit seeing me like this. Anyway we had another long talk when I tried to ask her questions about why she needs to do it and I (on the whole) managed to keep quiet thus making her answer the question. I broached the subject of counselling and I shall continue to do so. I think everyone acknowledges how much better you feel when you speak to someone about any problems; speaking to someone who knows the questions to ask and how to ask them must help even more.
Since then she has been a whole lot better. Even her mother made the same comment (and she knows nothing about her drinking). Whether this is short lived time will only tell.
As for how this is effecting me. Well, I am able to block this out when at work and my main interest at weekends means I can be out of the house for a good few hours.
And to be honest, writing these posts have helped too and thanks to everyone who has posted replies.
I came in and she was in bed as she is suffering from the usual Winter cough/cold. But I could tell that there was something else so we had a long talk and the subject of her drinking came out. I didn't accuse her directly but I simply said that she needs to look at her lifestyle as a whole, what she eats, drinks, exercise as she seems very prone to feeling unwell. Roll forward an hour when I was downstairs reading and heard her go into another room and then go into the bathroom when I heard the unmistakeable sound of a bottle of wine being opened!!
Well, I'm ashamed to say that I flew upstairs and essentially flipped. Not physically but verbally saying that not an hour earlier we have discussed drinking and then she just throws it back in my face. I then got emotional, some tears and shaking. I think this shook her a bit seeing me like this. Anyway we had another long talk when I tried to ask her questions about why she needs to do it and I (on the whole) managed to keep quiet thus making her answer the question. I broached the subject of counselling and I shall continue to do so. I think everyone acknowledges how much better you feel when you speak to someone about any problems; speaking to someone who knows the questions to ask and how to ask them must help even more.
Since then she has been a whole lot better. Even her mother made the same comment (and she knows nothing about her drinking). Whether this is short lived time will only tell.
As for how this is effecting me. Well, I am able to block this out when at work and my main interest at weekends means I can be out of the house for a good few hours.
And to be honest, writing these posts have helped too and thanks to everyone who has posted replies.
carew said:
As per the title really.
I found 2 bottles of Bacardi in her wardrobe recently - 1 empty, 1 half full - and asked her about them. She admitted she sometimes needs a drink to relax. But hiding it concerns me massively. Fast forward a few weeks and I smelt alcohol on her breath and found 2 bottles of wine (half empty) in her drawers.
But it carries on. She regular gets up in the middle of the night to get a water (which she does bring up) but in the morning it's clear that the wine that was in the fridge has been drunk.
I've confronted her a couple of times (above) but I'm not sure where to go from here as it's clear it's still going on. I'd rather not snoop and keep looking through her belongings but if I don't what will happen? Nothing I suspect which is my concern.
She does work and sometimes has to go into work early and I have told her that drinking half a bottle of wine through the tonight could put her over the limit when driving to work but it seems to make no difference.
Any help/thoughts would be really appreciated.
I don't want to be unkind but can you just run us through how you both as a couple have moved on from this post a year ago and your last post. You haven't have you? I talk as the drinker ( ex drinker of some years) in a relationship. You will be dragged down and the soul sucked out of you. It is pointless asking why. She does it because she is an alcoholic and cares more about drinking than she cares about you or anything else. Send her home to her mum. Tell her close family and friends about her issue. Then if she pulls herself together and gets at least six months sobriety combined with counselling let her back into your bed. In the meantime, unless you like the hurt and drama run away very far and fast.I found 2 bottles of Bacardi in her wardrobe recently - 1 empty, 1 half full - and asked her about them. She admitted she sometimes needs a drink to relax. But hiding it concerns me massively. Fast forward a few weeks and I smelt alcohol on her breath and found 2 bottles of wine (half empty) in her drawers.
But it carries on. She regular gets up in the middle of the night to get a water (which she does bring up) but in the morning it's clear that the wine that was in the fridge has been drunk.
I've confronted her a couple of times (above) but I'm not sure where to go from here as it's clear it's still going on. I'd rather not snoop and keep looking through her belongings but if I don't what will happen? Nothing I suspect which is my concern.
She does work and sometimes has to go into work early and I have told her that drinking half a bottle of wine through the tonight could put her over the limit when driving to work but it seems to make no difference.
Any help/thoughts would be really appreciated.
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