Death of my daughter

[Peanut Gallery]

I used to struggle the most over the weekends, just sticking my head in the sand during the week. All I am trying to say is you are in my thoughts, even though I may just be some random guy on the internet, and I hope you and your wife and your 2 year old have a weekend as good as can be, and be there for each other.

Like others have said, if you want to chat feel free, if you want to shut the world out for a while, feel free, everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way.

[TVR1]

Well folks, I guess out of respect for all of you who were kind enough to comment and email me I should make a final post....

The last few months have been challenging. In many ways. A few paperwork issues with the hospital etc. But in the end, we couldn't just use the 'disposal' service that the hospital offered.

We decided on a burial. Wonderful funeral director, no insistence on a service, a quiet goodbye.

My wife lost the plot a bit the day before and couldn't face the actual internment.

We decided it should be a private affair, no other friends or family, just my wife and I. But then I ended up saying goodbye on my own.

A hard day.

We were worried they would be on their own, on the long sleep but looking where they are, there are so many others to keep them company.....

We'll plant some flowers and cheer it up and tidy everything once the earth has settled.

Edited by TVR1 on Wednesday 25th October 21:21

[Taita]

Glad it went as well as it could mate.

[LHRFlightman]

I've got no words.

[Fermit The Krog and Sexy Sarah]

How very sad, no parent should have to bury their child. Try to stay strong.

If you don't mind me asking, what was behind the 6 month delay for her burial?

[Peanut Gallery]

Sincere condolences.

The small coffins are the heaviest.

[TVR1]

Fermit The Krog and Sexy Sarah said:

How very sad, no parent should have to bury their child. Try to stay strong.

If you don't mind me asking, what was behind the 6 month delay for her burial?

Don't mind the question at all. This was 6 weeks ago. To answer the question though, there was an issue over Coroners rules. Essentially, we argued the toss over 'born alive'. The rules say, no birth certificate before 26 weeks unless visible signs of life. we said there were, the midwifes said not. Some paperwork went missing and unless we wanted an autopsy (no chance) there was no way of proving that they were born alive. Videos of hearts beating and gasping for breath don't count, it seems. They aren't signs of life.

The Coroner used his discretion. There is the Law and then there is 'Coroners discretion'

Meetings and meetings.

In the end though, we didn't want them to go. Burial was the final end. We couldn't face it for quite a while.

[Fermit The Krog and Sexy Sarah]

TVR1 said:

Fermit The Krog and Sexy Sarah said:

How very sad, no parent should have to bury their child. Try to stay strong.

If you don't mind me asking, what was behind the 6 month delay for her burial?

Don't mind the question at all. This was 6 weeks ago. To answer the question though, there was an issue over Coroners rules. Essentially, we argued the toss over 'born alive'. The rules say, no birth certificate before 26 weeks unless visible signs of life. we said there were, the midwifes said not. Some paperwork went missing and unless we wanted an autopsy (no chance) there was no way of proving that they were born alive. Videos of hearts beating and gasping for breath don't count, it seems. They aren't signs of life.

The Coroner used his discretion. There is the Law and then there is 'Coroners discretion'

Meetings and meetings.

In the end though, we didn't want them to go . Burial was the final end.

I see, and it's unfortunate that it slowed things down. I'd imagine that today is some sort of closure at least, however small that silver lining is. Keep taking to people, on here and IRL, it does help.

[NDA]

I hadn't expected to have tears in my eyes this evening.

On your own??

Christ, you've been through the mill. So, so sorry..... I can't really imagine.

We are such resilient creatures, you will come back from this abyss - you will never forget, but you will come back.

Really feel for you.

[majordad]

I've said a little prayer for your lovely daughter Jessica. Glad the Coroner was a reasonable person.

[TVR1]

NDA said:

I hadn't expected to have tears in my eyes this evening.

On your own??

Christ, you've been through the mill. So, so sorry..... I can't really imagine.

We are such resilient creatures, you will come back from this abyss - you will never forget, but you will come back.

Really feel for you.

Thanks.

Please don't have tears, I've enough for them.

I wished my wife was there but it would have been disastrous for her. That seems strange but I understand it completely.

i didn't want to be there either. On my own or with the whole world beside me.

A line from a movie, that I sometimes think of;

'Why me Sarge?'

'Cos you're here son, cos you're here'

You just get on with it.

[ClaphamGT3]

TVR1 said:

NDA said:

I hadn't expected to have tears in my eyes this evening.

On your own??

Christ, you've been through the mill. So, so sorry..... I can't really imagine.

We are such resilient creatures, you will come back from this abyss - you will never forget, but you will come back.

Really feel for you.

Thanks.

Please don't have tears, I've enough for them.

I wished my wife was there but it would have been disastrous for her. That seems strange but I understand it completely.

i didn't want to be there either. On my own or with the whole world beside me.

A line from a movie, that I sometimes think of;

'Why me Sarge?'

'Cos you're here son, cos you're here'

You just get on with it.

My mother was a GP and an army wife all her working life. As such she has been involved with parents burying their children all too often. In her experience, mothers being unable to bear their child's burial. Her experience is that it is wise in such circumstances not to force the issue.

Sorry; slightly rambling way of saying that I think you both did the right thing

[Fermit The Krog and Sexy Sarah]

TVR1 said:

NDA said:

I hadn't expected to have tears in my eyes this evening.

On your own??

Christ, you've been through the mill. So, so sorry..... I can't really imagine.

We are such resilient creatures, you will come back from this abyss - you will never forget, but you will come back.

Really feel for you.

I wished my wife was there but it would have been disastrous for her. That seems strange but I understand it completely.

What do you think was your wifes reasoning for this? Would it have been too much for her mind to deal with, or not wanting to have to say goodbye to her?

Ultimately everybody HAS to deal with such a thing in their own way, I'm just curious.

Well done for rising up to the hard task, I'm sure you would have found it easier as a pair, needs must etc.

[Sheetmaself]

No real words as there arent any, and not having had a child i cant even pretend to have an idea of what youre both going through.

That said make sure you are both there for each other and make the memories loving memories.

All the best,

A complete stranger.

[stuthemong]

Internet hug, mate.

[blearyeyedboy]

Another internet hug that I hope helps in a small way.

[shakindog]

You have my deepest sympathy
Having been through something similar.
The only piece of advice if it’s at all worth anything is for you and your wife to Use the counciling it helped my other half massively and the kids.
I should have but was too busy sorting everything out. I still could but after all this time I have learnt to cope with the burdens I carry.
Please dont do the same as it really does help.

[CAPP0]

Heck, OP, what a truly difficult read this page has been. And if I as a complete stranger feel like that, I can't fathom yours and your wife's feelings at all. I wish you both some peace and comfort moving forward.

[Wacky Racer]

All the best to you both.

[RDMcG]

Nobody deserves such a tragedy - very sorry to read of your loss.

Although the tears stop, the memory lives on. I wish you all the very best for the future and happier times.