Death of my daughter
Discussion
Op, so sorry to hear about Jessica.
My daughter was born 3 months premature, and we went through hell, being told on a number of occasions that she wouldn't last the next few hours unless we made some very difficult decisions, so I can relate a little to the way you are feeling.
We were lucky (ish), our daughter made it and has just turned 17, but she has some ongoing severe effects from being born so early and life will be tough for her as a result. Hard though it is to say, we sometimes when its really bad, think it would have been better if she didn't make it.
The main thing we learnt is that you and your partner need to be strong for each other, its easy to take out the stress and trauma on your partner. Try not to do that, there are a number of support charities around that may be able to help you.
My daughter was born 3 months premature, and we went through hell, being told on a number of occasions that she wouldn't last the next few hours unless we made some very difficult decisions, so I can relate a little to the way you are feeling.
We were lucky (ish), our daughter made it and has just turned 17, but she has some ongoing severe effects from being born so early and life will be tough for her as a result. Hard though it is to say, we sometimes when its really bad, think it would have been better if she didn't make it.
The main thing we learnt is that you and your partner need to be strong for each other, its easy to take out the stress and trauma on your partner. Try not to do that, there are a number of support charities around that may be able to help you.
FlyingMeeces said:
From one dad who lost a daughter to another I am so desperately sorry.
There is no one right way to grieve, give yourself permission now to do whatever works for you.
You may not feel ready for it yet and that's totally okay but The Compassionate Friends are really very good - they will be there if/when you need them.
A very wise friend introduced me to the idea of learning to be okay with the fact that you'll never be quite okay again: sounds kinda bleak but if you're waiting until everything feels right, you'll destroy yourself. Any parenthood changes a man and so does any loss; those changes don't stack, they multiply.
I promise it will not stay as raw as it is right now. I remember being really shocked that the grief physically hurt - two years in that particular agony is just a memory. I wondered if it would ever stop, at first.
All the very best to you and your wife.
What a lovely post and rings true.There is no one right way to grieve, give yourself permission now to do whatever works for you.
You may not feel ready for it yet and that's totally okay but The Compassionate Friends are really very good - they will be there if/when you need them.
A very wise friend introduced me to the idea of learning to be okay with the fact that you'll never be quite okay again: sounds kinda bleak but if you're waiting until everything feels right, you'll destroy yourself. Any parenthood changes a man and so does any loss; those changes don't stack, they multiply.
I promise it will not stay as raw as it is right now. I remember being really shocked that the grief physically hurt - two years in that particular agony is just a memory. I wondered if it would ever stop, at first.
All the very best to you and your wife.
I remember the physical pain and I'm sorry OP is having to go through that.
My deepest sympathies; it sounds blunt but I will never forget holding my lifeless son in my arms. There was so much else going on that it took a surprising amount of time for the reality to sink in. His twin is still with us today, although with a lot of major issues.
As someone else said above things may never be entirely 'OK' again, 8 years on I still have my moments. A couple of years ago I had to gas my son for surgery and then carry him - he was so limp and lifeless in apperance that it caused one hell of a flashback for me.
Be there for your partner, but please do not neglect yourself.
As someone else said above things may never be entirely 'OK' again, 8 years on I still have my moments. A couple of years ago I had to gas my son for surgery and then carry him - he was so limp and lifeless in apperance that it caused one hell of a flashback for me.
Be there for your partner, but please do not neglect yourself.
OP, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm just having a "think yourself lucky" moment, this afternoon I had a tooth break and the dentist has pulled it out so I came on here to whinge about my throbbing mouth. I'm no longer feeling so sorry for myself. Best wishes and look after yourself and your wife.
Its strange how talking to completely unknown people on here is so cathartic. It helps me gather my thoughts and also verbalise my thoughts, so rather then fall in a heap when I have to actually talk to someone and break the news to friends and family, i can actually talk like a human being.
Suffice it to say that I am currently about as numb and drained mentally as its possible to be.
Daisy was born at just after 8.00pm this evening. My wife started contractions last night and we had hoped that the infection could be turned around and so stop the contractions. Wasnt to be. Everything was thrown at her but eventually, after waiting for enough time (perhaps just in time, as it turned out) we decided to sign the consent form for induction.
Very shortly after that, my wife crashed. Most likely septicaemia and Daisy arrived herself within minutes. Mum is now in surgery to address complications from the rather sudden arrival, the 2 placentas are stuck and bleeding heavily. We did indeed catch things in the nick of time.
We so wanted Daisy to survive.
They are sleeping the long sleep together, next to each other now, so at least they will never be lonely.
Night all.
Suffice it to say that I am currently about as numb and drained mentally as its possible to be.
Daisy was born at just after 8.00pm this evening. My wife started contractions last night and we had hoped that the infection could be turned around and so stop the contractions. Wasnt to be. Everything was thrown at her but eventually, after waiting for enough time (perhaps just in time, as it turned out) we decided to sign the consent form for induction.
Very shortly after that, my wife crashed. Most likely septicaemia and Daisy arrived herself within minutes. Mum is now in surgery to address complications from the rather sudden arrival, the 2 placentas are stuck and bleeding heavily. We did indeed catch things in the nick of time.
We so wanted Daisy to survive.
They are sleeping the long sleep together, next to each other now, so at least they will never be lonely.
Night all.
Edited by TVR1 on Monday 10th April 23:12
I am so sorry to read your last post mate. I'm generally not one to get upset by stuff but I really do have a tear in my eye.
I cannot begin to imagine what you both are going through.
RIP Jessica and Daisy.
I'm sure(positive in fact) I'm not alone in saying my thoughts are with you both.
The Sands charity is very useful should you require some help or advice.
Snowdrop poem
The world may never notice if a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon,
But every life that ever forms or even comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way for all eternity.
The little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone,
But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on,
And though our arms are empty our hearts know what to do,
Every beating of our hearts says that we love you.
Snowdrop poem
The world may never notice if a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon,
But every life that ever forms or even comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way for all eternity.
The little one we longed for was swiftly here and gone,
But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on,
And though our arms are empty our hearts know what to do,
Every beating of our hearts says that we love you.
OP as others have said I have no words that could possibly help you and your wife but I am so sorry for your losses. I was hopeful for better news for you when I came on here today but sadly it wasn't to be. My thoughts are with you and your wife and I wish her a speedy physical recovery. Be there for each other and support her but don't neglect yourself, there are people out there who can help when you are ready. Your photo of Jessica hit me hard but was beautiful at the same time, I hope in time you can find some comfort in the fact that you spent at least some time with her.
I wish you and your family all the best for now and the future.
RIP Jessica and Daisy
I wish you and your family all the best for now and the future.
RIP Jessica and Daisy
OP, I'm so sorry about your girls. I'm sitting at my desk, crying for you and your family. My thoughts are with you all right now and I hope your wife's surgery goes well.
Please let me know via DM if I can do anything for you - I appreciate that I'm just a random guy on the internet but maybe there's something I could help with. Let me know.
Please let me know via DM if I can do anything for you - I appreciate that I'm just a random guy on the internet but maybe there's something I could help with. Let me know.
Sorry to hear of your loss I cannot imagine.
It's horrible that these things happen, usually to good people.
Stay strong and be there for your family.
Nothing wrong with that photo, especially if it helps you deal with your loss. As it has already been mentioned there is no wrong way to grieve. Chin up.
It's horrible that these things happen, usually to good people.
Stay strong and be there for your family.
Nothing wrong with that photo, especially if it helps you deal with your loss. As it has already been mentioned there is no wrong way to grieve. Chin up.
Hi TVR1
I feel numb having read your latest update. It's incredibly sad to read and my thoughts are with you and your family.
I have family members who have had similar experiences and I am glad that you have an outlet on this forum.
I wish you and you family all the best and sincerely hope things get easier for you all with time.
I feel numb having read your latest update. It's incredibly sad to read and my thoughts are with you and your family.
I have family members who have had similar experiences and I am glad that you have an outlet on this forum.
I wish you and you family all the best and sincerely hope things get easier for you all with time.
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