Help with elderly relatives - Parkinson's + Dementia issues?
Discussion
Thanks again, guys
My wife's been back since Mon eve and has spoken with the hospital specialists and social services since. Target is for her parents to return home next Tue, so my wife's booked to fly back again on Tue. At least then, if there's any delay, my wife can at least sort clean clothes, etc., if her folks remain in hospital.
Next week will also given her a chance to speak to the folks' IFA and also go through the mountains AND mountains of paperwork my hoarding inlaws maintain, to see what's still needed, what isn't.... e.g., folders full of all the docs, invoices, etc., on his M reg V6 Cavalier that was part ex-d in 2004, bank statements dating back 30+ (yes, THIRTY) years, O.S maps for most of the UK that were used ONCE, etc.
Again, and luckily for me, my wife's still letting me bugger off to Le Mans tomorrow.
If anything siginificant should happen to the outlaws whilst I'm away, and I need to, I'll get back to the UK ASAP.
My wife's been back since Mon eve and has spoken with the hospital specialists and social services since. Target is for her parents to return home next Tue, so my wife's booked to fly back again on Tue. At least then, if there's any delay, my wife can at least sort clean clothes, etc., if her folks remain in hospital.
Next week will also given her a chance to speak to the folks' IFA and also go through the mountains AND mountains of paperwork my hoarding inlaws maintain, to see what's still needed, what isn't.... e.g., folders full of all the docs, invoices, etc., on his M reg V6 Cavalier that was part ex-d in 2004, bank statements dating back 30+ (yes, THIRTY) years, O.S maps for most of the UK that were used ONCE, etc.
Again, and luckily for me, my wife's still letting me bugger off to Le Mans tomorrow.
If anything siginificant should happen to the outlaws whilst I'm away, and I need to, I'll get back to the UK ASAP.
RC1807 said:
Next week will also given her a chance to speak to the folks' IFA and also go through the mountains AND mountains of paperwork my hoarding inlaws maintain, to see what's still needed, what isn't.... e.g., folders full of all the docs, invoices, etc., on his M reg V6 Cavalier that was part ex-d in 2004, bank statements dating back 30+ (yes, THIRTY) years, O.S maps for most of the UK that were used ONCE, etc.
Sounds familiar......I'm still gradually going through the umpteen 80L plastic bins that I filled of paperwork when clearing out my Mum's house 2 years ago. And yes, there well over 30 years worth of bank statements and all sorts of stuff my Mum would never through away dispose of properly.
I should have bought a proper commercial shredder as I've burnt out 2 of the buggers now, am on my 3rd which is why its taking so long to get through the boxes.
There was even all the paperwork relating to her Mum as well that she had just put away rather than dispose of.....and her Mum passed away 17 years ago!
good luck with everything ,similar story to us, fil had a fall and kept in hospital for a week, once going round the house it was so obvious that they had not been cleaning, cooking or washing. fil had been covering for mil. neighbours even told us that when he had gone to the paper shop she used to wonder the street in her dressing gown. social were amazing, came round to the house and saw the state immediately, MIL admitted to a dementia care home, which now a year later she thinks she has been there since it opened many years ago. previous we had to sell the home, but the FIL was of sound mind to go through this with my husband so a lot of the paperwork and accounts were put in joint names.
the biggest shock was the amount of junk mail they had, we just assumed it was exactly that until we saw bank statements where they were giving over £250 a month in direct debits to various charities and lotteries, as well as cheques.
There finances were in a shocking state. and they couldn't afford the donations. sadly after a few months in a lovely sheltered flat, FIL had a small fall, and then 4 days later died of pneumonia in hospital. such a shock.
so after losing my mum in sept 2016 and my dad early this year, our one and only parent still recognises us, but is shrinking before our eyes.
We did find the council, social and dementia care were very very helpful so just take all the help they give, and good luck - understand exactly what you have all gone or are going through
the biggest shock was the amount of junk mail they had, we just assumed it was exactly that until we saw bank statements where they were giving over £250 a month in direct debits to various charities and lotteries, as well as cheques.
There finances were in a shocking state. and they couldn't afford the donations. sadly after a few months in a lovely sheltered flat, FIL had a small fall, and then 4 days later died of pneumonia in hospital. such a shock.
so after losing my mum in sept 2016 and my dad early this year, our one and only parent still recognises us, but is shrinking before our eyes.
We did find the council, social and dementia care were very very helpful so just take all the help they give, and good luck - understand exactly what you have all gone or are going through
Thanks again for the support, and opening up about your own experiences.
I remain genuinely amazed at how my wife's dealing with all of this. I got back from Le Mans yesterday lunchtime, and my wife took a flight to LHR earlier today and will be there until Sat afternoon.
Having spoken to the hospital and the social services peeps, the outlaws will be released from hospital on Fri, and carers will be in place in readiness. In the meantime, MIL has been moved to Geriatrics with her husband, so she won't be getting lost around Soton General.
Social Services did their assessment on the house and have some recommendations, including that a stairlift is needed. Until that's in place the folding bed can be used in the living room - NO more sleeping on the entrance hall floor is permitted!
Contact with my BIL has finally been made.
He remains, even in the view of my usually very restrained daughter, "a cock". Wife had emailed him and he wanted to know the details - which he got - but he could only respond with, "Thanks for the update."
That's all. No, "I'll visit them ASAP!"
He's a genuine grade A cockwombling w
kstain. 
Anywhooo, wife needs to clarify LPA context and if there is one in place, who is it?
Thanks again.
Russell
I remain genuinely amazed at how my wife's dealing with all of this. I got back from Le Mans yesterday lunchtime, and my wife took a flight to LHR earlier today and will be there until Sat afternoon.
Having spoken to the hospital and the social services peeps, the outlaws will be released from hospital on Fri, and carers will be in place in readiness. In the meantime, MIL has been moved to Geriatrics with her husband, so she won't be getting lost around Soton General.
Social Services did their assessment on the house and have some recommendations, including that a stairlift is needed. Until that's in place the folding bed can be used in the living room - NO more sleeping on the entrance hall floor is permitted!
Contact with my BIL has finally been made.
He remains, even in the view of my usually very restrained daughter, "a cock". Wife had emailed him and he wanted to know the details - which he got - but he could only respond with, "Thanks for the update."
That's all. No, "I'll visit them ASAP!"
He's a genuine grade A cockwombling w
kstain. Anywhooo, wife needs to clarify LPA context and if there is one in place, who is it?
Thanks again.
Russell
A note on carers - as your inlaws are reasonably well off, it may be worth investigating using a care manager and, through them, paying careers/personal care assistants directly rather than signing up to an agency. The setup is a bit of a ballache but the payoff is that you can limit the number of different faces going in and out (good agencies will attempt to do this too, but are normally under such heavy pressure that 20+ different carers visiting one client in a month is not unusual) - and have a bit more freedom about what the carers can do as a bonus side-effect.
Would your FIL like an electric wheelchair, I wonder? It sounds like he'd appreciate regaining some dignified mobility - and it may be that very good posture support improves how much he can use his hands, too.
Would your FIL like an electric wheelchair, I wonder? It sounds like he'd appreciate regaining some dignified mobility - and it may be that very good posture support improves how much he can use his hands, too.
Wife has spoken to the IFA; he doesn't have LPA on the finances.
He will visit the inlaws early next week to run thorugh their finances so at least my MIL knows (or has it all written down) as she has no idea of her husband's investments over the last 40 years.
Likewise, solicitor's been contacts. No LPA on file there either. Also learned that the re-drafted Will the inlaws did last year hasn't been signed (!!!), so the solicitor's been asked to get on that bloody pronto, and he will also do so early next week.
Otherwise, they're being moved home tomorrow, Social Services are dleivering a commode tomorrow too, and carers will start on Monday, so my wife will have to ensure they're sorted Fri night and OK on Sat before she flies home Sat p.m.
FINGERS AND TOES ARE CROSSED!
He will visit the inlaws early next week to run thorugh their finances so at least my MIL knows (or has it all written down) as she has no idea of her husband's investments over the last 40 years.
Likewise, solicitor's been contacts. No LPA on file there either. Also learned that the re-drafted Will the inlaws did last year hasn't been signed (!!!), so the solicitor's been asked to get on that bloody pronto, and he will also do so early next week.
Otherwise, they're being moved home tomorrow, Social Services are dleivering a commode tomorrow too, and carers will start on Monday, so my wife will have to ensure they're sorted Fri night and OK on Sat before she flies home Sat p.m.
FINGERS AND TOES ARE CROSSED!
Inlaws are home and the carers already started on Friday.
They've both been very confused when in hospital, thinking they were on holiday. MIL asaid to my wife, "It's been a lovely break! The food's very good. Can't wait to come again!" My wife lost count of the number of times her mum said things like, "I can't remember where I parked the car.", when my wife had been using it all week. FIL wondered where his credit cards were so he could "pay the hotel bill"... all very sad now seeing how quickly they're deteriorating.
My wife, toghether with the hsopital, sorted medication deliveries from the pharmacy, all dleivered in speical blister packs so my MIL isn't distributing them, since she's forgetting many things.
Their solicitor will drop in with the unsigned Will, so that can be signed, and he's also sorting LPA. My wife left instructions for her folks to tell them. The IFA is also dropping round a list of investments so my MIL has everything noted, since my FIL did all of that before, so that's a few more things in play and close to being sorted out.
However, they both then quickly forgot when they got home that carers would be coming in. Pleased at least my wife was there Fri and most of Sat before retunring home, so she could at least explain the situation to the carers, who are a team of 8 - 4 of whom live locally to the inlaws. They've been realy good with my FIL, making sure he;s clean and shaved, which my MIL wasn't doing, and we're still not sure why that was, since she's very keen on ensuring she's smart for the day, even if she only goes to the papershop to get the Torygraph each morning.
Stair lift companies are coming in tomorrow and Weds to measure/quote, one local and Stannah, not that my FIL needs it yet - he can, apparently, ascend and descend the stairs very well, which leaves us more confused as to why he was sleeping on the floor in the entrance hall way 3 weeks ago. Nothing meakes sense any more, and I'm not sure it's supposed to with these 2 now.
(I think it's because my MIL wasn't doing anything to help him each morning, fussing about herself, but in the evenings she turns into a pain in the arse, buzzing around like a fly always up/down and insisting on helping him every minute. I think that pissed him off, and sleeping on the floor was his stubborn way of saying "F.U!", as he couldn't articulate it another way.)
We had a few days away planned next month - our 1st without children in 8 years - but that's now cancelled so we can go back to England again to sort out some stuff at the inlaws (emptying attic and sorting paperwork for a couple of days). We hope we'll get at least some evening sun on the beach at my brother's in Poole, where we'll be staying. We need it.
Anyway, my BIL has, in time honoured fashion, not made any effort since he returned from holiday and read the many emails my wife sent him. the last message to him was, "Get your lazy arse over to see mum and dad. You'll have to make your own way there - ferry and bus or train, whatever you have to do. Mum can't collect you from Soton as she'd get lost."
He lives on the IOW and hasn't been to Romsey for >2 years. Have I said before how much of a tt he is? Maybe...
Fingers cross the carers are OK with the inlaws this week as it's all very new to them.
They've both been very confused when in hospital, thinking they were on holiday. MIL asaid to my wife, "It's been a lovely break! The food's very good. Can't wait to come again!" My wife lost count of the number of times her mum said things like, "I can't remember where I parked the car.", when my wife had been using it all week. FIL wondered where his credit cards were so he could "pay the hotel bill"... all very sad now seeing how quickly they're deteriorating.
My wife, toghether with the hsopital, sorted medication deliveries from the pharmacy, all dleivered in speical blister packs so my MIL isn't distributing them, since she's forgetting many things.
Their solicitor will drop in with the unsigned Will, so that can be signed, and he's also sorting LPA. My wife left instructions for her folks to tell them. The IFA is also dropping round a list of investments so my MIL has everything noted, since my FIL did all of that before, so that's a few more things in play and close to being sorted out.
However, they both then quickly forgot when they got home that carers would be coming in. Pleased at least my wife was there Fri and most of Sat before retunring home, so she could at least explain the situation to the carers, who are a team of 8 - 4 of whom live locally to the inlaws. They've been realy good with my FIL, making sure he;s clean and shaved, which my MIL wasn't doing, and we're still not sure why that was, since she's very keen on ensuring she's smart for the day, even if she only goes to the papershop to get the Torygraph each morning.
Stair lift companies are coming in tomorrow and Weds to measure/quote, one local and Stannah, not that my FIL needs it yet - he can, apparently, ascend and descend the stairs very well, which leaves us more confused as to why he was sleeping on the floor in the entrance hall way 3 weeks ago. Nothing meakes sense any more, and I'm not sure it's supposed to with these 2 now.
(I think it's because my MIL wasn't doing anything to help him each morning, fussing about herself, but in the evenings she turns into a pain in the arse, buzzing around like a fly always up/down and insisting on helping him every minute. I think that pissed him off, and sleeping on the floor was his stubborn way of saying "F.U!", as he couldn't articulate it another way.)
We had a few days away planned next month - our 1st without children in 8 years - but that's now cancelled so we can go back to England again to sort out some stuff at the inlaws (emptying attic and sorting paperwork for a couple of days). We hope we'll get at least some evening sun on the beach at my brother's in Poole, where we'll be staying. We need it.
Anyway, my BIL has, in time honoured fashion, not made any effort since he returned from holiday and read the many emails my wife sent him. the last message to him was, "Get your lazy arse over to see mum and dad. You'll have to make your own way there - ferry and bus or train, whatever you have to do. Mum can't collect you from Soton as she'd get lost."
He lives on the IOW and hasn't been to Romsey for >2 years. Have I said before how much of a t
t he is? Maybe...Fingers cross the carers are OK with the inlaws this week as it's all very new to them.
RC1807 said:
Anyway, my BIL has, in time honoured fashion, not made any effort since he returned from holiday and read the many emails my wife sent him. the last message to him was, "Get your lazy arse over to see mum and dad. You'll have to make your own way there - ferry and bus or train, whatever you have to do. Mum can't collect you from Soton as she'd get lost."
He lives on the IOW and hasn't been to Romsey for >2 years. Have I said before how much of a tt he is? Maybe...
This all sounds very familiar... My brother works five miles from my dad's flat, and hasn't seen him in nearly three years. When I sent him the LPA for signing, I just got back a smart-arse one-liner about page numbering in PDFs (I'd asked him to sign page xx, going by the PDF numbering, he gave me the "I think you mean..." referring to the numbering on the pages within, which is different)... Meanwhile, I've been doing 7hr round trips to take him to hospital appointments etc...He lives on the IOW and hasn't been to Romsey for >2 years. Have I said before how much of a t
t he is? Maybe...You can choose your friends.
fkety, fkety, fk!
Wife's just called her Mum to see how they are and the Paramedics are there as my FIL's had another fall. He's off back to Soton General to be checked over.
FFS.
ETA: On the positive side, the carer and occupational therapist were there just after he'd fallen, and could deal with the Paramedics better than my MIL. She's so confused now.
(Seems FIL also refused the carer's help last night when she went round to clean him up and get him ready for bed. This doesn't help as we know my MIL struggled to sort that properly and he always went to bed wet, and you wouldn't leave a baby like that. )
kety, fkety, fk!Wife's just called her Mum to see how they are and the Paramedics are there as my FIL's had another fall. He's off back to Soton General to be checked over.
FFS.
ETA: On the positive side, the carer and occupational therapist were there just after he'd fallen, and could deal with the Paramedics better than my MIL. She's so confused now.
(Seems FIL also refused the carer's help last night when she went round to clean him up and get him ready for bed. This doesn't help as we know my MIL struggled to sort that properly and he always went to bed wet, and you wouldn't leave a baby like that.
)Edited by RC1807 on Monday 26th June 11:01
I know you don't want to hear it......BUT...
But given how they thought they were in a hotel when in hospital......
Maybe residential care (both in the same home) would be the better option for them. They may not even realise they are in a home...? My Mum didn't by then, and she had dreaded the thought of going into one when she had clarity of mind.
It sounds like they need 24/7 care and watching, not a team of carers coming in and out during the day.
But, the task then comes to finding a good one, and one with 2 vacancies.
But, in the situation you are now in, it will come sooner rather than later, and so you maybe better off starting to look into now, as often the good ones have waiting lists.
But given how they thought they were in a hotel when in hospital......
Maybe residential care (both in the same home) would be the better option for them. They may not even realise they are in a home...? My Mum didn't by then, and she had dreaded the thought of going into one when she had clarity of mind.
It sounds like they need 24/7 care and watching, not a team of carers coming in and out during the day.
But, the task then comes to finding a good one, and one with 2 vacancies.
But, in the situation you are now in, it will come sooner rather than later, and so you maybe better off starting to look into now, as often the good ones have waiting lists.
amazing how well they can adapt, when father in law was in hospital for his last few days, mil was offered the sheltered flat or back to the care home and immediately chose the care home as she had company. when fil passed, it took a few weeks before she stropped asking when she would be going and also where he was.
sadly she does not ask any more for him , but that is better for her, thinks she is in charge and been in the home since it opened years ago, and mentions that it is exactly like a hotel, and she is well looked after, they even have their own little gang, and go out to the library, have their hair done and the staff are amazing. again she always comments on how well they are looked after. especially when we think how her and our fil were living, this must seem like luxury.
so don't feel too bad, just when time allows do some visits and get a feel for the place to be, appreciate how hard this is not being local but think you and you're wife are a credit to her parents.
wishing you all the best
sadly she does not ask any more for him , but that is better for her, thinks she is in charge and been in the home since it opened years ago, and mentions that it is exactly like a hotel, and she is well looked after, they even have their own little gang, and go out to the library, have their hair done and the staff are amazing. again she always comments on how well they are looked after. especially when we think how her and our fil were living, this must seem like luxury.
so don't feel too bad, just when time allows do some visits and get a feel for the place to be, appreciate how hard this is not being local but think you and you're wife are a credit to her parents.
wishing you all the best
Thanks for your comments and responses. I'm not expecting much, but appreciate it all, since I find it rather calming to get it out....
FIL had a CT and MRI in Soton, stayed overnight on Monday. Social Services gave my MIL a number of stickers for her to put on the phones around the house in case she panicked not knowing where her husband was - the stickers said "Husband is in Soton General - ward number XX, phone 02380 XXXXXXXXX". Neighbour made sure MIL put the sitckers where they were needed.
Tue p.m, Soton General called my MIL to tell her she could colleact her husband. Where did she go to collect him?
Winchester!
fking hell.
Stickers everywhere, and she STILL went to the wrong city to collect him from a hospital he's only ever been to ONCE in 50 years! Neighbour later found MIL in her house panicking that she'd lost her husband (again) but that all the reminder stickers were gone....MIL removed them all and binned them. Once the neighbour calmed her down, MIL then drove to Soton to collect him.
We're now up to Tue night. No reports, so far, of FIL refusing carer's help getting him ready for bed, although I suspect it happened again.
This morning my wife called her mum. FIL had another fall. FFS!
The carers were there soon after the incident and called the paramedics again. He's back off to Soton general! MIL explained to my wife that he was probably stumbling across their bedroom to get to his frame....
? Why wasn't his frame on his side of the bed ? (the room's massive - so there's plenty of space for that)
? Why did you leave him alone and not help him ? (probably faffing about downstairs, as usual, or she'd fked off to the newsagent to collect the Torygraph forgetting there's an invalid upstairs)
In the meantime, the stairlift appointments have been cancelled as have those for the solicitor (Will and LPA) and their IFA (to provide a list of investments so MIL knows what's where) as both the inlaws are in hospital!
WE (wife and I) can see Social Services moving him to a nursing home this week as it's clear that my MIL can not cope, but she also refuses to acknowledge she has dementia or any memory issues. WE, her neighbours, her sister in the W.Midlands (daily phone calls) and the staff at Soton General all say she has. We need to get on to her GP again about that.
fking hell! We need those LPAs!!!!
FIL had a CT and MRI in Soton, stayed overnight on Monday. Social Services gave my MIL a number of stickers for her to put on the phones around the house in case she panicked not knowing where her husband was - the stickers said "Husband is in Soton General - ward number XX, phone 02380 XXXXXXXXX". Neighbour made sure MIL put the sitckers where they were needed.
Tue p.m, Soton General called my MIL to tell her she could colleact her husband. Where did she go to collect him?
Winchester!
f
king hell. Stickers everywhere, and she STILL went to the wrong city to collect him from a hospital he's only ever been to ONCE in 50 years! Neighbour later found MIL in her house panicking that she'd lost her husband (again) but that all the reminder stickers were gone....MIL removed them all and binned them. Once the neighbour calmed her down, MIL then drove to Soton to collect him.
We're now up to Tue night. No reports, so far, of FIL refusing carer's help getting him ready for bed, although I suspect it happened again.
This morning my wife called her mum. FIL had another fall. FFS!
The carers were there soon after the incident and called the paramedics again. He's back off to Soton general! MIL explained to my wife that he was probably stumbling across their bedroom to get to his frame....
? Why wasn't his frame on his side of the bed ? (the room's massive - so there's plenty of space for that)
? Why did you leave him alone and not help him ? (probably faffing about downstairs, as usual, or she'd f
ked off to the newsagent to collect the Torygraph forgetting there's an invalid upstairs) In the meantime, the stairlift appointments have been cancelled as have those for the solicitor (Will and LPA) and their IFA (to provide a list of investments so MIL knows what's where) as both the inlaws are in hospital!
WE (wife and I) can see Social Services moving him to a nursing home this week as it's clear that my MIL can not cope, but she also refuses to acknowledge she has dementia or any memory issues. WE, her neighbours, her sister in the W.Midlands (daily phone calls) and the staff at Soton General all say she has. We need to get on to her GP again about that.
f
king hell! We need those LPAs!!!!RC1807 said:
In the meantime, the stairlift appointments have been cancelled as have those for the solicitor (Will and LPA) and their IFA (to provide a list of investments so MIL knows what's where) as both the inlaws are in hospital!
fking hell! We need those LPAs!!!!
Yes, you do. ASAP.f
king hell! We need those LPAs!!!!Get them done yourself online today, and talk to their docs about whether they still have capacity to sign them. The rest can wait, but once the LPAs are done, get the IFA sorted, too.
TooMany2cvs said:
RC1807 said:
In the meantime, the stairlift appointments have been cancelled as have those for the solicitor (Will and LPA) and their IFA (to provide a list of investments so MIL knows what's where) as both the inlaws are in hospital!
fking hell! We need those LPAs!!!!
Yes, you do. ASAP.f
king hell! We need those LPAs!!!!Get them done yourself online today, and talk to their docs about whether they still have capacity to sign them. The rest can wait, but once the LPAs are done, get the IFA sorted, too.
If you fill them out they will still have to be witnessed signed. Given that time is of the essence now will the solicitors not, given the circumstances, compete the forms and visit them instead to get them signed...? Have you talked to them about it?
I think you're right about getting the FiL into a nursing home PDQ for his own sake.
Thanks guys....my wife's on it with the solicitors locally as we're not there to get things signed.
Since my last update my wife's had 2 calls:
Social Services "red flagged" the inlaws last night as it seems my FIL isn't getting his prescribed drugs, which the pharmacy put in special blister packs for him. MIL couldn't find them!
Inlaws' GP: told my wife her Mum's NOT to drive about 2 months ago! The GP advised her to go a "memory clinic", which, my wife told him, "Of course she hasn't remembered. She refuses to acknowledge there's a problem! Why aren't YOU making sure this happens?!"
Looks like my wife will be back in the UK again next week........
If only there was a sibling who's closer geographically who could do something?
Since my last update my wife's had 2 calls:
Social Services "red flagged" the inlaws last night as it seems my FIL isn't getting his prescribed drugs, which the pharmacy put in special blister packs for him. MIL couldn't find them!
Inlaws' GP: told my wife her Mum's NOT to drive about 2 months ago! The GP advised her to go a "memory clinic", which, my wife told him, "Of course she hasn't remembered. She refuses to acknowledge there's a problem! Why aren't YOU making sure this happens?!"
Looks like my wife will be back in the UK again next week........
If only there was a sibling who's closer geographically who could do something?
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