Help with elderly relatives - Parkinson's + Dementia issues?
Discussion
RC1807 said:
Inlaws' GP: told my wife her Mum's NOT to drive about 2 months ago! The GP advised her to go a "memory clinic", which, my wife told him, "Of course she hasn't remembered. She refuses to acknowledge there's a problem! Why aren't YOU making sure this happens?!"
Memory clinic......sheeez.
Typical GP attitude with this kind of issue. They really don't want to deal with this disease at all until the time its too late and then it all falls on relatives or hospitals etc., and they have then washed their hands of it.
I expected more from the GP, especially as my wife and I went to the surgery at Easter asked for a note of concern to be placed on her file, AND for the GP to review her case. Clearly he left her to it... - another thing my wife will have to berate the GP about next week.
My main concern is for my wife; she's not sleeping well with all this in her head at night.
- another thing my wife will have to berate the GP about next week.My main concern is for my wife; she's not sleeping well with all this in her head at night.
Sounds like FIL has capacity to decide: would he consent to move? And she might, too - not necessarily as straightforward as just moving them although if they're both okay with that, finding them a good setup should be pretty workable.
Otherwise: overnight care in-house? Probably still cheaper than a residential home place for the pair of them, at least in terms of a decent one with respectable staffing levels etc.
Sounds like someone needs to have a come to Jesus talk with FIL about refusing care. How with-it is he?
Massive condolences OP. Utter nightmare to be dealing with at a distance.
Don't let the useless sibling sap any more energy from you both, they might as well not be there so just ignore them - getting into a lather about it clearly won't help because they're a feckless prick, so dismiss and move on.
Otherwise: overnight care in-house? Probably still cheaper than a residential home place for the pair of them, at least in terms of a decent one with respectable staffing levels etc.
Sounds like someone needs to have a come to Jesus talk with FIL about refusing care. How with-it is he?
Massive condolences OP. Utter nightmare to be dealing with at a distance.
Don't let the useless sibling sap any more energy from you both, they might as well not be there so just ignore them - getting into a lather about it clearly won't help because they're a feckless prick, so dismiss and move on.
my mil went to the memory clinic in April last year with my fil, and answered with all the right answers. her husband and son knew that she was not cooking, cleaning, washing, or eating, but fil was determined that the result would be correct, even getting told off for helping her with the answers. so was not until my husband and his sister spoke privately to the guy doing the questions, did he see a different picture, then may fil was in hospital, social came round and everything started moving. it was hard being over an hour away from them trying to sort house, etc, so you are doing brilliant. might be a time to take the car keys off her just in case she does forget which lane she is in,
good luck with the next stage.
good luck with the next stage.
Cheers 
I won't waste any effort on my BIL, but I know he'll be the 1st to the solicitor wanting to know what he's been left in the Will, when that happens.
FIL has his moments of awareness. I know he's still in there, understands everything that's said, including my stupid jokes, but he can't always speak out as he wants or needs to, which increases his frustrations. On the advice of their solicitor, my wife is flying back next week (flights now booked) so she can take it in hand and explain what's needed to her folks and get the LPAs sorted.
The car keys will be removed from the house so she can't use it.
Anyone want to buy a 2y.o low mileage black Skoda Rapide?
I won't waste any effort on my BIL, but I know he'll be the 1st to the solicitor wanting to know what he's been left in the Will, when that happens.
FIL has his moments of awareness. I know he's still in there, understands everything that's said, including my stupid jokes, but he can't always speak out as he wants or needs to, which increases his frustrations. On the advice of their solicitor, my wife is flying back next week (flights now booked) so she can take it in hand and explain what's needed to her folks and get the LPAs sorted.
The car keys will be removed from the house so she can't use it.
Anyone want to buy a 2y.o low mileage black Skoda Rapide?
Edited by RC1807 on Wednesday 28th June 14:57
Mexican cuties said:
my mil went to the memory clinic in April last year with my fil, and answered with all the right answers. her husband and son knew that she was not cooking, cleaning, washing, or eating, but fil was determined that the result would be correct, even getting told off for helping her with the answers.
Been there.Had to decline the invites I was getting to attend with my Mum when being assessed as I knew she would just turn to me for the answers, so I knew it was best for her to get the correct assesement if I wasn't there, so they could see her real situation.
Was hard decision to make because the natural instinct is to be there for support, but, its wrong to give false support as it makes the situation worse.
Hospital ward sister told my wife that when my FIL is released from Soton General, it will be to another care facility - but not home.
Social Services confirmed the same.
That's my FIL's "fault" for being so bloody minded, refusing the carers' help for washing, getting ready for bed, ensuring he'd taken his meds, etc., and also to my MIL for not covering where the carers were rejected and she didn't do what's needed, e.g., can't recall where she's put the special blister pack of meds from the Hospital that was sent home with him last Fri (!), nor is she ensuring my FIL's being cleaned and dried properly after wetting himself.
This outcome is exactly what both my inlaws feared could happen, but they've not helped the situation by hiding things away, being their own worst enemies now.
In other "news",
- inlaws' neiighbours (of some 30 years) have been brilliant. We really owe them - running MIL to/from hospital, keeping an eye on them both, phoning us with updates almost daily
- and, useless sibling emailed my wife to tell her he'd been calling his Mum every 2 weeks, but she hadnt' told him any of the information my wife had, and was rather accusing that my wife was making it up! Tosser.
My wife told him to go and see for himself and that "Mum didn't tell us anything on the phone, but when we got there early June for Dad's 80th birthday (which you refused to turn up to!), he was covered in scabs and bruises from 5 falls in 4 weeks - that he told us of - none of which we'd been told about by Mum."
Ho, hum.
ETA: I forgot, FIL has fractured his collar bone, so quite how he's going to use his zimmer frames, I don't know. TBC....
Social Services confirmed the same.
That's my FIL's "fault" for being so bloody minded, refusing the carers' help for washing, getting ready for bed, ensuring he'd taken his meds, etc., and also to my MIL for not covering where the carers were rejected and she didn't do what's needed, e.g., can't recall where she's put the special blister pack of meds from the Hospital that was sent home with him last Fri (!), nor is she ensuring my FIL's being cleaned and dried properly after wetting himself.
This outcome is exactly what both my inlaws feared could happen, but they've not helped the situation by hiding things away, being their own worst enemies now.
In other "news",
- inlaws' neiighbours (of some 30 years) have been brilliant. We really owe them - running MIL to/from hospital, keeping an eye on them both, phoning us with updates almost daily
- and, useless sibling emailed my wife to tell her he'd been calling his Mum every 2 weeks, but she hadnt' told him any of the information my wife had, and was rather accusing that my wife was making it up! Tosser.
My wife told him to go and see for himself and that "Mum didn't tell us anything on the phone, but when we got there early June for Dad's 80th birthday (which you refused to turn up to!), he was covered in scabs and bruises from 5 falls in 4 weeks - that he told us of - none of which we'd been told about by Mum."
Ho, hum.
ETA: I forgot, FIL has fractured his collar bone, so quite how he's going to use his zimmer frames, I don't know. TBC....
Edited by RC1807 on Friday 30th June 09:49
MIL drove herself to the hospital to see her husband yesterday!
Firstly, she's been told she's not allowed ot drive by her GP, who's also informed the DVLA (!!), but the neighbours couldn't find the spare key to stop her from "forgetting" the advice or her Dr's letter.
Secondly, she was supposed to wait for my wife to arrive from Heathrow first, yesterday, so my wife could drive her, and although it was all in my MIL's diary, she'd forgotten that too! Wife had to get th eneighbours to drive her to Soton so she could see her parents, then drive her mum home in her mum's car.
Now the MIL's forgotten all the PINs to bank and credit cards, which were all written down but not noted in any order, so when she has 4 card, 4 PINs, the chances of failure were high. Time to rationalise their accounts now and ensure she has cash each week to pay the guy who cuts the grass, the window cleaner, etc.
They're off to the hospital with the family solicitor shortly to get the LPAs and their unsigned Will signed. Unsure when my FIL will be released; he's been there more than a week again. I've lost track myself.
Firstly, she's been told she's not allowed ot drive by her GP, who's also informed the DVLA (!!), but the neighbours couldn't find the spare key to stop her from "forgetting" the advice or her Dr's letter.
Secondly, she was supposed to wait for my wife to arrive from Heathrow first, yesterday, so my wife could drive her, and although it was all in my MIL's diary, she'd forgotten that too! Wife had to get th eneighbours to drive her to Soton so she could see her parents, then drive her mum home in her mum's car.
Now the MIL's forgotten all the PINs to bank and credit cards, which were all written down
but not noted in any order, so when she has 4 card, 4 PINs, the chances of failure were high. Time to rationalise their accounts now and ensure she has cash each week to pay the guy who cuts the grass, the window cleaner, etc.They're off to the hospital with the family solicitor shortly to get the LPAs and their unsigned Will signed. Unsure when my FIL will be released; he's been there more than a week again. I've lost track myself.
I don't think anybody's suggested this yet...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0091901812
Really does help you understand what their world is like.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0091901812
Really does help you understand what their world is like.
Not much to report other than the hospital consultant confirmed to my wife that her mum has Alzheimer's, and there's increasing ongoing confusion for my MIL. She remains convinced each day that her husband will be home tomorrow, whilst we know that he won't be home for the forseeable (nursing home beckons), and he may never return home since she can not cope and the hospital and Social Services recommend 24/7 nursing care. This is explained on the phone to her every day.
Neightbours continue to be a massive help to us, since we're so far away. We can't thank them enough. They've been ace. Really.
We'll be in the UK next week, whizzing between Poole and Romsey, and probably Soton General if my FIL is still there. We need to check out local homes where they can cover nursing and dementia needs, as both parents will need to be together in the near future.
We also need to clear the mountains of hoarded stuff they have in their garage, office and attic with many runs to the local tip!
Useless BIL continues the same. It was his 50th last Sunday and his mum sent him a card and a sizeable cheque, as she always does. She called him to wish him happy birthday, but he was working (prison officer). He's not bothered to phone back to thank her for the gift or to see how either of his parents are (wife asks her mum each day).
I do hope he could at least be bothered to sign and return the LPA forms to the solicitor concerning his own dad. He won't be called upon to do anything since I know my wife will take care of it all, of course.
Neightbours continue to be a massive help to us, since we're so far away. We can't thank them enough. They've been ace. Really.
We'll be in the UK next week, whizzing between Poole and Romsey, and probably Soton General if my FIL is still there. We need to check out local homes where they can cover nursing and dementia needs, as both parents will need to be together in the near future.
We also need to clear the mountains of hoarded stuff they have in their garage, office and attic with many runs to the local tip!
Useless BIL continues the same. It was his 50th last Sunday and his mum sent him a card and a sizeable cheque, as she always does. She called him to wish him happy birthday, but he was working (prison officer). He's not bothered to phone back to thank her for the gift or to see how either of his parents are (wife asks her mum each day).
I do hope he could at least be bothered to sign and return the LPA forms to the solicitor concerning his own dad. He won't be called upon to do anything since I know my wife will take care of it all, of course.
RC1807 said:
I do hope he could at least be bothered to sign and return the LPA forms to the solicitor concerning his own dad. He won't be called upon to do anything since I know my wife will take care of it all, of course.
How has the LPA been done though, is it one or other, or joint decision...?Can't remember exactly the terms on the forms now and which is which, but given how he is, you don't want it to be joint as your missus will get no where if a decision has to be made in the future!
aeropilot said:
How has the LPA been done though, is it one or other, or joint decision...?
Can't remember exactly the terms on the forms now and which is which, but given how he is, you don't want it to be joint as your missus will get no where if a decision has to be made in the future!
If it's joint, and one attorney is incapable, then that person is disregarded.Can't remember exactly the terms on the forms now and which is which, but given how he is, you don't want it to be joint as your missus will get no where if a decision has to be made in the future!
There's three choices -
Multiple attorneys, who can act individually.
Multiple attorneys, who must act jointly.
Single attorney, with a replacement for if they can't act.
Meanwhile, it looks like my own father's dementia's taken a sudden downturn, with four serious incidents in the last few days - and social services are trying to find emergency residential for him today... Today had him trying to break into a car down the road, insistent he needed to go to London. Whether this is related to the Queen visiting him yesterday, or my own death a few months ago, I'm not sure...
Sorry to hear all this.
My father had vascular dementia, and my mother acted as carer, and, once she admitted something was wrong, local services were brilliant (even memory club - my mother still volunteers there to pay it back). By the end he was falling multiple times a day. Neighbours were fantastic.
In the end, he managed to swallow his dentures, and when in hospital recovering got a secondary infection. There was family decision to let him go, we all managed to say goodbye. He didn't have a living will, but as we all knew that he was horrified by the prospect of dementia... The doctors turned a blind eye to/ were OK with palliative care, so he died in hospital without ever going into care.
My father had vascular dementia, and my mother acted as carer, and, once she admitted something was wrong, local services were brilliant (even memory club - my mother still volunteers there to pay it back). By the end he was falling multiple times a day. Neighbours were fantastic.
In the end, he managed to swallow his dentures, and when in hospital recovering got a secondary infection. There was family decision to let him go, we all managed to say goodbye. He didn't have a living will, but as we all knew that he was horrified by the prospect of dementia... The doctors turned a blind eye to/ were OK with palliative care, so he died in hospital without ever going into care.
RC1807 said:
From memory, there are 2 LPAs for my FIL underway, 1 for health, 1 for finances.
MIL is main attorney, wife 2nd, BIL 3rd, or something.
The solicitor acknowledged that MIL will need those very soon, too, so once the FIL's are final, the others will be signed - as I understood.
Crikey, given what you've said about the state of your MiL, I'm surprised that she's down as LPA for FiL??MIL is main attorney, wife 2nd, BIL 3rd, or something.
The solicitor acknowledged that MIL will need those very soon, too, so once the FIL's are final, the others will be signed - as I understood.
Can't understand why solicitor is considering separately.... would make much more sense and save a lot of time to do LPA for both at same time...!!!....(they'll put double fee in that way I suspect
)The longer its left for the MiL the less chance it will be granted given her state!
WIsbech: I'm sorry to hear that. my FIL has vascular dementia too, which I think came about from his stroke 3 years ago. It was recently identified in a MRI scan after his most recent fall, whilst the hospital were checking to see if he'd had another stroke.
Aeropilot: I hear you loud and clear, but if I'm not there to push things along, there's not much more I can ask of my wife at the moment.
Thinking about it now, we should get on to that next week for the MIL.
Aeropilot: I hear you loud and clear, but if I'm not there to push things along, there's not much more I can ask of my wife at the moment.
Thinking about it now, we should get on to that next week for the MIL.
Morning all,
Quick update.
FIL is leaving hospital on Tuesday and moving to a very good rest home in Romsey. He's perfectly fine with that having spent 6weeks on/off in Soton General. MIL remains confused about most of this, but she's going to live with him at the rest home (very good dementia care service) in what appears to be a rare twin room in Hampshire.
BIL signed his Dad's LPA, so that's underway.
Took MIL to their solicitor yesterday and she's signed both her LPAs too.
Wife's sticking around until next weekend so her parents aren't relocating alone, whilst I must drive home tomorrow for work on Monday.
Fingers crossed for the move on Tuesday and settling them in.
Thanks again for all your advice and comments.
Russell
Quick update.
FIL is leaving hospital on Tuesday and moving to a very good rest home in Romsey. He's perfectly fine with that having spent 6weeks on/off in Soton General. MIL remains confused about most of this, but she's going to live with him at the rest home (very good dementia care service) in what appears to be a rare twin room in Hampshire.
BIL signed his Dad's LPA, so that's underway.
Took MIL to their solicitor yesterday and she's signed both her LPAs too.
Wife's sticking around until next weekend so her parents aren't relocating alone, whilst I must drive home tomorrow for work on Monday.
Fingers crossed for the move on Tuesday and settling them in.
Thanks again for all your advice and comments.
Russell
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