How did you know you wanted kids?

How did you know you wanted kids?

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Discussion

bobski1

Original Poster:

1,763 posts

103 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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Wasn't quite sure where to post this but the Mrs is pushing on starting to try for kids recently & we seem to be at a bit of a conflict over when the right time to start is.

We are fairly settled & been together for a good number of years, however I am not quite sure that I am ready (although are you ever?). Curious to know how other people felt before they started.

Ultra Sound Guy

28,616 posts

193 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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bobski1 said:
How did you know you wanted kids?
My ex-wife told me that I did!

CaptainSensib1e

1,432 posts

220 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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You'll never be 100% ready, but if you're settled in your job/home/relationship then it's as good a time to start as any. Kids are great but hard work, so you want to ensure everything else in your life is on a pretty even keel before starting the adventure.

RogerExplosion

1,130 posts

189 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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I decided I didn't really want kids. The wife is due next week.

The Selfish Gene

5,470 posts

209 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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I never wanted kids, and never will want them...........43 and no wife............(several long termers have upp'd stumps for this very reason.)

C0ffin D0dger

3,440 posts

144 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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Likewise, the wife dictated. Not sure I'd have ever taken the plunge otherwise. No regrets though, wouldn't be without them now despite the many sleepless nights biggrin

As an older parent, first kid at 39 years of age, second at 41, I do have a massive envy of people who had kids when they were younger. At my age their kids are now standing on their own two feet, off to Uni or whatever and they have loads of kid free leisure time available. Never an option for me though as I didn't settle down with the wife until my mid 30s. Swings and roundabouts also as I imagine it would be financially quite difficult having kids when you are younger whereas now I have quite a bit more income at my disposal and it has allowed the wife to take a spell away from work to be a full time Mum.

Conclusion of all this, if your thinking of having them then no time like the present!

StevieBee

12,795 posts

254 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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bobski1 said:
when the right time to start is
There isn't really. Although I do think that a couple need to be a couple for some years before kids come along.

We got married quite young and after about six years, just decided to stop preventing it and see what happened. It was never a question of deciding if we wanted kids - I don't think it was ever something we discussed; just seemed a very natural thing.

RTB

8,273 posts

257 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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If you ask people who had kids in their 40s or 50s they will say they are glad they waited and were more secure financially and emotionally. If you ask people who had kids in their 20s and 30s they will say they are glad they got on with it as they were young enough to give parenthood everything.

Providing you're in a strong relationship, there's no right answer, but if you can see yourself as a dad (that's the only way you'll know if you're ever going to be ready) then I'd advise getting on with it whatever your age. In my opinion(and that's all it is), waiting might knock a bit off the mortgage, but it won't add any time on to how long you can share in your kid's lives. I wish I'd had mine in my 20s, as it was I had mine when I was reasonably young (30 and 33).




Edited by RTB on Monday 10th September 15:17

227bhp

10,203 posts

127 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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I didn't really, I had to ask on a motoring forum.

otherman

2,190 posts

164 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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The first thing is to be sure you're happy to stay long term in your relationship. So not just do you want kids but do you want them with this person. Kids can cause rifts in relationships, so you'd do well to discuss parenting with her now. So how will you handle it when they won't sleep or eat or behave the way you'd like them to. Some people let their kids do whatever, scream around restaurants, others get them learning violin at the age of 5, and all points between.

TartanPaint

2,981 posts

138 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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You're never ready. Not even when you think you are. I decided that I definitely don't want kids, so if anyone wants my two please come and collect them. biggrin

If you're happy to say, "I want kids some day, but not yet", then figure out why. Is there something you want to achieve first, or something about your life that you're not prepared to give up?


zedx19

2,704 posts

139 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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Wasn't sure I wanted kids but I knew if I did, I'd only want one. 6 years later I have a 5 year old, 4 year and 2 and half year old, all boys. After the first I knew I was ready and knew I wanted more. Until it arrives, you won't know if you were ready or if it'll work between you and our partner. Would have had more had our 3rd not been took seriously ill at 4 weeks old, then again at 6 weeks old. Seeing your newborn being resuscitated is something no parent should ever have to see. He pulled through and it made us a stronger family though.

Worth noting that just because you want kids, it's not as easy as you think to make them! My wifes been pregnant 9 times now and as I say, we have 3 children, 6 miscarriages is hard.

toon10

6,140 posts

156 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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Do men ever want kids? My first was the result of my partner at the time wanting kids, coming off contraception and "forgetting" to tell me. My second was the result of my current partner being told she couldn't have children but using contraception anyway to regulate her periods and a combination of the doctors being wrong and the contraception not working!

For the record, I have 2 boys, one 17 and one 2 who I love to bits and wouldn't change for the world. (I'm still not ready for kids though!)

Edited by toon10 on Monday 10th September 16:26

Derek Smith

45,514 posts

247 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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RTB said:
If you ask people who had kids in their 40s or 50s they will say they are glad they waited and were more secure financially and emotionally. If you ask people who had kids in their 20s and 30s they will say they are glad they got on with it as they were young enough to give parenthood everything.

Providing you're in a strong relationship, there's no right answer, but if you can see yourself as a dad (that's the only way you'll know if you're ever going to be ready) then I'd advise getting on with it whatever your age. In my opinion(and that's all it is), waiting might knock a bit off the mortgage, but it won't add any time on to how long you can share in your kid's lives. I wish I'd had mine in my 20s, as it was I had mine when I was reasonably young (30 and 33).




Edited by RTB on Monday 10th September 15:17
I had two kids in my 20s. I had one in my 30s and finally the runt of the litter in my 40s.

There's no 'best' time to my mind. There're positives and negatives at any age. The last one came as a surprise - who knew that baby oil weakens the material condoms are made of? - and I expected a bit of resentment. But we were settled financially (or thought we were) and were more laid-back. He took up rugby, playing at a high level, and I was able to take a greater role in his upbringing than with the younger three. That was a massive positive for me.

My eldest is mid-forties and my youngest is 31. I wouldn't recommend doing it that way, but it's been great for all the family. I wouldn't recommend any particular way.

I wasn't that keen on kids. Once I had one of my own, I was still not that keen on anyone else's kids but was over the moon with mine.

I don't want to come over as childish myself, but I was looking at my wife playing with my eldest when he was a baby. It came to me that I had no idea which I was save if, for instance, both were drowning and I could only save one. That came as a bit of a shock. Then I realised that for my wife, there was no decision to make. That hurt a bit and took time to come to terms with.

Kids were the biggest change to my life.


CaptainSensib1e

1,432 posts

220 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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zubzob said:
Not a father yet, so down-weight this accordingly, but I've been thinking about this a lot.

it seems such a tough thing to forecast,, as there are so many factors that play into the experience, apart from you.

It's the inlaws, income, your 'village', friends, support networks, your health, welfare system, the balance of ambition,your kids friends, the displaced goals. And that's not even touching on the actual personality of the child.

You can be the most enthusiastic and competent father in the world, but there are so many other factors, that if blowing against you, can be quite a headwind. And likewise, you can be completely indifferent, even disinclined, but with the right support, it could be magical.

Just a guess.
All very true, insightful post for a non-father!

bobski1

Original Poster:

1,763 posts

103 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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The few things making me think about this are:

Family - Living away from family means much less support for us, grew up in quite a close family so anxious about kids growing up without such a good relathionship with rest of family & lack of people being round to help out.

Expenses - haven't overstretched too much on the mortgage but lack of income would be felt. Especially when as part of the point above childcare etc will need to be paid for.

Relationship - Like mentioned in the post above being in it for the long haul. We are comfortable, we have some differences when it comes to how things should be & how to raise the kids etc but concerned that could become a big sticking point.

Time - Current job takes some dedication and some time. It isn't a crazy 12 hour a day but it's still a significant amount of time. I do worry that after work being tired and not being able to take the kids places or not feeling up to it.

a311

5,789 posts

176 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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When my wife told me.

Really I thought I always wanted kids at some stage and could have quite happily have had some more care free years but also didn't want to be too old, plus my wife is older than me. My wife and I had a good run of 10 years enjoying holidays etc while some friends had kids younger. I guess there's arguments for both having kids younger and older. We both felt after that time where there was just the two of us we wanted something else. Our daughter arrived when I was 33 and my wife is pregnant with our second, life changes and it brings many challenges but changes for the better IMO.

Jag_NE

2,949 posts

99 months

Monday 10th September 2018
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Quite a topic.....

Definitely do not have kids because your partner wants them. It’s a potentially high stress situation lasting many years (exacerbated by social media depicting everyone else having a perfect life) and you may end up resenting her when you feel suffocated by the relentless personal and financial demands of parenthood.

When the chips are down and you are both pulling your hair out, you don’t want to be blaming one another for ruining each other’s lives. The post a pic of you all smiling and laughing on Facebook smile

I had a 2nd child “under pressure” and based upon my work commitments, personal capacity for the demands of children and (dare i say it) just wanting some time to do my own st on a weekend, my first and very demanding child was enough for me, with the benefit of hindsight. Stiff upper lip and push on!

RogerExplosion

1,130 posts

189 months

Tuesday 11th September 2018
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Good to hear others are similar to me. I feel worried that I'm not going to bond with my soon to be son. I'm sure I will as it just seems like something you do. For now I'm more concerned about finishing the kitchen renovations and clearing out the garage so me and a mate can start working on our $500 Peugeot 306 'race' car.

Frank7

6,619 posts

86 months

Tuesday 11th September 2018
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I have two sons from my first marriage, which now feels like it took place in the Stone Age, but actually occurred a couple of years before West Ham won the World Cup for England.
It wasn’t a case of deciding if and when we’d have kids, and she wasn’t actively demanding that we should, but as we were young, her 20, and me 21, we were at it like rabbits, so it was inevitable I guess.
I was 41 when I met the woman I’m married to now, and she was 22.
Once it started to become obviously serious, I told her that there was no way that I wanted any more kids, but at her age, she must be thinking of it, so I could understand if she just walked away, I wouldn’t argue with her about it.
She said kids or no kids, she wanted to be with me.
I must have done something right, she was 59 in June, and she’s still with me.