How did you know you wanted kids?
Discussion
If you're not quite sure that you're ready then you're probably not ready. If you end up having a baby when you're not quite ready for it, it's arrival is harder to cope with. That's not to say you won't be able to cope but the changes in your life will have a bigger impact and it will affect you more and take longer to adjust than if you were truly ready.
How do you make yourself ready? Not sure. But at least we get 9 months to prepare ourselves once the deed is done.
How do you make yourself ready? Not sure. But at least we get 9 months to prepare ourselves once the deed is done.
The first one just happened. It was such a life changing experience that we had 3 more.
Best thing that happened in our lives, bar nothing. However it does mean older cars/fewer holidays/ far fewer nights out with friends/ far more time spent on doing things for the kids. In economic terms there is absolutely no benefit (and lots of cost / sacrifice) but I would quite happily do it all over again.
Best thing that happened in our lives, bar nothing. However it does mean older cars/fewer holidays/ far fewer nights out with friends/ far more time spent on doing things for the kids. In economic terms there is absolutely no benefit (and lots of cost / sacrifice) but I would quite happily do it all over again.
First one was an accident, I was 17 and the (now) wife was 18, when she was born, the second wasn't planned as such it was just a case of "yeah it'll be nice to have a second and to do it when the age gap isn't so huge".
Got pregnant quickly in our early 20's but miscarried and then got pregnant again fairly soon after, she is now 19 and off to uni in a couple of weeks, my eldest is 26 at the end of the month.
I Iook at my colleague and his wife, they are mid 30's and desperate for kids but they just can't have them, they've tried IVF, they have both had procedures, been prodded and poked, had various medical courses, even tried alternative medicines and acupuncture but it appears that both of them have problems in that department, its desperately sad.
Got pregnant quickly in our early 20's but miscarried and then got pregnant again fairly soon after, she is now 19 and off to uni in a couple of weeks, my eldest is 26 at the end of the month.
I Iook at my colleague and his wife, they are mid 30's and desperate for kids but they just can't have them, they've tried IVF, they have both had procedures, been prodded and poked, had various medical courses, even tried alternative medicines and acupuncture but it appears that both of them have problems in that department, its desperately sad.
bobski1 said:
The few things making me think about this are:
Family - Living away from family means much less support for us, grew up in quite a close family so anxious about kids growing up without such a good relathionship with rest of family & lack of people being round to help out.
Expenses - haven't overstretched too much on the mortgage but lack of income would be felt. Especially when as part of the point above childcare etc will need to be paid for.
Relationship - Like mentioned in the post above being in it for the long haul. We are comfortable, we have some differences when it comes to how things should be & how to raise the kids etc but concerned that could become a big sticking point.
Time - Current job takes some dedication and some time. It isn't a crazy 12 hour a day but it's still a significant amount of time. I do worry that after work being tired and not being able to take the kids places or not feeling up to it.
If it helps, my own mum's answer to all the above concerns (which I rightly shared when our first was due) was, "You'll find a way. Everyone does." and she was right.Family - Living away from family means much less support for us, grew up in quite a close family so anxious about kids growing up without such a good relathionship with rest of family & lack of people being round to help out.
Expenses - haven't overstretched too much on the mortgage but lack of income would be felt. Especially when as part of the point above childcare etc will need to be paid for.
Relationship - Like mentioned in the post above being in it for the long haul. We are comfortable, we have some differences when it comes to how things should be & how to raise the kids etc but concerned that could become a big sticking point.
Time - Current job takes some dedication and some time. It isn't a crazy 12 hour a day but it's still a significant amount of time. I do worry that after work being tired and not being able to take the kids places or not feeling up to it.
There's no way to make it add up on paper. I don't see how, unless you are top 1% wealthy, having kids can ever be a rational choice. For all the above reasons and more. You will definitely be short of time, sleep, money, support and patience for some of the time. Maybe a lot of the time, depending on your circumstances. But you WILL find a way, and it's worth it, for the rewards are incomparable with the alternative choices. There are lots of things you can do when you don't have kids, but none of them are as rewarding or give as much joy. That's an evolutionary, biological fact.
Family: Ours both live 2 hours away, and are busy people. We see them every few weekends, but we get zero help Monday to Friday. If we have a sick child, we just have to speak nicely to a boss, take holiday, make up the hours or and juggle it. We manage.
Expenses: You can't spend money you don't have. How much raising a family costs is simply a function of how much money you have to do it with. We feel like we're struggling, but then I remind myself that when I was born my mum was at home, and my dad had just lost his job. And they had just bought a family home with a big mortgage. And they had not a penny to buy food with. And suddenly my own income seems enormous in comparison. We manage. And so does everyone else with all sorts of incomes. Of course money helps. Childcare is insanely expensive. You are definitely going to feel the financial impact. But you'll manage.
Relationship: Changed massively. You'll be parents 98% of the time, and finding that last 2% of energy to keep being a couple is very important, and very difficult. But we more than manage. I don't have too much advice on this front, because we're lucky. I know couples who are in far worse shape after having kids than before. I don't believe you will know in advance whether having kids will bring you together or drive you apart. I really don't believe you can predict, because the ways we came together were completely unknown to me before we had kids. But most people manage.
Time: I get very little time to myself. I don't mind too much. We manage.
TartanPaint said:
Time: I get very little time to myself. I don't mind too much. We manage.
Some people really struggle with this aspect. They end up constantly auditing the personal time their partner gets and it becomes a real issue. I know of at least one couple who are constantly at each other about whose turn it is to do x y or z or whose turn it is to have a lie in, or socialise/do hobbies at the weekend. They aren't really a couple any more, or parents for that matter, they're more like a pair of shift workers handing over responsibility from time to time. Very true. I'm lucky that my wife and I are a good team. We never say no if the other wants to do something for themselves. Never ever. This works because neither of us asks to do things which are incompatible with the rest of the family. I probably take more personal time than she does. But yes, I have many friends who b
h about this, and moan about "getting a pass" for things, and while I understand the problem it just doesn't seem like they're a team. My wife and I never fight about that stuff. I wouldn't ask for a night out if it was going to cause problems. My wife seems to love her role as a mother more than anything else in life, so rarely asks for a girls' night out. I'd happily let her do more if she wanted to.
The couples stuff is definitely the one aspect nobody can really advise anybody else on. Many families have the same time, money and support issues, but no two couples are the same.
h about this, and moan about "getting a pass" for things, and while I understand the problem it just doesn't seem like they're a team. My wife and I never fight about that stuff. I wouldn't ask for a night out if it was going to cause problems. My wife seems to love her role as a mother more than anything else in life, so rarely asks for a girls' night out. I'd happily let her do more if she wanted to. The couples stuff is definitely the one aspect nobody can really advise anybody else on. Many families have the same time, money and support issues, but no two couples are the same.
I genuinely don't know how you all do it...........
the lack of time for me - that's the only commodity that matters.
the fact you're no longer number 1 in your partners life
the impact on your relationship in other ways and her physically
the money not such an issue, I don't think they have to be that expensive
right now, I can literally (and do) whatever I want , whenever I want. No matter what.
If I want to quit my (stressful job) and sail around the world, I'm gone that day.
How people cope without that freedom I'll never know.
I know that I'll never have children for the above reasons. I just can't imagine spending my whole life getting to a good position to bin it all off and tie myself down for 18 years minimum.
I get some st from various people for my life choices, but, never married, no children was a design choice, not an accident.
the lack of time for me - that's the only commodity that matters.
the fact you're no longer number 1 in your partners life
the impact on your relationship in other ways and her physically
the money not such an issue, I don't think they have to be that expensive
right now, I can literally (and do) whatever I want , whenever I want. No matter what.
If I want to quit my (stressful job) and sail around the world, I'm gone that day.
How people cope without that freedom I'll never know.
I know that I'll never have children for the above reasons. I just can't imagine spending my whole life getting to a good position to bin it all off and tie myself down for 18 years minimum.
I get some s
t from various people for my life choices, but, never married, no children was a design choice, not an accident.Edited by The Selfish Gene on Tuesday 11th September 14:49
RogerExplosion said:
Good to hear others are similar to me. I feel worried that I'm not going to bond with my soon to be son. I'm sure I will as it just seems like something you do. For now I'm more concerned about finishing the kitchen renovations and clearing out the garage so me and a mate can start working on our $500 Peugeot 306 'race' car.
Looking at your user name, I would have thought you would have had about 10 kids by now 
I always wanted kids.
When I got together with ex Mrs S, she was 6 years older, so the first came along when I was 25, then two more before I was 30.
So now I'm 46, with an eldest lad who I play squash with twice a week, go for a beer with etc. The two slightly younger one's aren't far off that age either.
When I think back 20+ years, leaving the hospital without knowing how to put the carry cot thingy in the car, I probably wasn't ready, but it's human nature to adapt and you soon get used to it.
When I got together with ex Mrs S, she was 6 years older, so the first came along when I was 25, then two more before I was 30.
So now I'm 46, with an eldest lad who I play squash with twice a week, go for a beer with etc. The two slightly younger one's aren't far off that age either.
When I think back 20+ years, leaving the hospital without knowing how to put the carry cot thingy in the car, I probably wasn't ready, but it's human nature to adapt and you soon get used to it.
The Selfish Gene said:
I genuinely don't know how you all do it...........
the lack of time for me - that's the only commodity that matters.
the fact you're no longer number 1 in your partners life
the impact on your relationship in other ways and her physically
the money not such an issue, I don't think they have to be that expensive
right now, I can literally (and do) whatever I want , whenever I want. No matter what.
If I want to quit my (stressful job) and sail around the world, I'm gone that day.
How people cope without that freedom I'll never know.
I know that I'll never have children for the above reasons. I just can't imagine spending my whole life getting to a good position to bin it all off and tie myself down for 18 years minimum.
I get some st from various people for my life choices, but, never married, no children was a design choice, not an accident.
Each to their own I guess. Like everything else in life, it's what you make it. Personally spending time with my kids isn't wasting a commodity, it spending it wisely. Working 60 hours a week climbing the greasy career pole and spending money on trinkets to keep me occupied until I die would be a waste of a precious commodity, but that's just me the lack of time for me - that's the only commodity that matters.
the fact you're no longer number 1 in your partners life
the impact on your relationship in other ways and her physically
the money not such an issue, I don't think they have to be that expensive
right now, I can literally (and do) whatever I want , whenever I want. No matter what.
If I want to quit my (stressful job) and sail around the world, I'm gone that day.
How people cope without that freedom I'll never know.
I know that I'll never have children for the above reasons. I just can't imagine spending my whole life getting to a good position to bin it all off and tie myself down for 18 years minimum.
I get some s
t from various people for my life choices, but, never married, no children was a design choice, not an accident.Edited by The Selfish Gene on Tuesday 11th September 14:49
soupdragon1 said:
RogerExplosion said:
Good to hear others are similar to me. I feel worried that I'm not going to bond with my soon to be son. I'm sure I will as it just seems like something you do. For now I'm more concerned about finishing the kitchen renovations and clearing out the garage so me and a mate can start working on our $500 Peugeot 306 'race' car.
Looking at your user name, I would have thought you would have had about 10 kids by now She turned mega horny for about a week and was pregnant.
I'm 51 and have a 7 year old and a 6 year old. Both boys. Best pets I ever had. I'm as fit now as I was when in my early thirties as they run me ragged and we do a lot of walking although the coming of late nights will curtail that in the next few weeks. We started trying when I was late 30's and the good lady late 20's but it just didn't happen. Then IVF, then heading down the donor egg route (seemed wrong). The boys will have been with us for 6 years next week and they are an absolute joy. Proper little dudes.
Whilst it isn't for everybody, being able to shape and nurture a life is incredibly rewarding.
Whilst it isn't for everybody, being able to shape and nurture a life is incredibly rewarding.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff