The autism thread
Discussion
SturdyHSV said:
Sporky said:
Oh, lots, it's remembering to ask.
There is one that occurs. Mostly when someone says "how are you", it is, I know, a pleasantry, not an earnest enquiry. But sometimes the person is making a more genuine and interested enquiry, and would actually like some detail, not a default "all fine" or "mustn't grumble" or similar. How the dickens do you tell?
That's a great question, and unsurprisingly, not an easy one to answer. TGCOTF's contexts make sense, and would probably largely cover it.There is one that occurs. Mostly when someone says "how are you", it is, I know, a pleasantry, not an earnest enquiry. But sometimes the person is making a more genuine and interested enquiry, and would actually like some detail, not a default "all fine" or "mustn't grumble" or similar. How the dickens do you tell?
There's likely some nuance / subtlety to the person's delivery and body language that are hard to articulate, but some things that spring to mind that might give a clue to a more sincere enquiry...
- Accenting / elongating the 'are' in "how are you?"
- Putting an additional term of endearment on the end, so "how are you old friend?" or "how are you mate / dear?" maybe, although some people obviously always say 'mate' etc. so perhaps not a good indicator
- If it was asked with a tilted head. Apparently head tilt (tilted sideways, towards the shoulder) is a very friendly gesture (it exposes the neck of course), and would indicate a level of care / concern
- Physical contact during the question, perhaps a slight touch on the forearm, shoulder etc.
- Prolonged / deliberate eye contact during the phrase, possibly held whilst waiting for an answer
- The 'eyebrows of empathy'
if it's a genuine enquiry they may raise the eyebrows up in the middle of the face, hard to describe in words, but if you imagine a surprised face the eyebrows go up and out, with concern they often go up but inwards, or go up more in the middle and less on the outside. - Additional detail, especially if they've remembered something you've previously told them "how are you doing since xxx", would again perhaps indicate an amount of genuine interest
- Turning their head face on, basically if they're changing their position to give you their full attention for the answer again it would indicate a genuine interest
Edited by sparkyhx on Monday 17th April 11:13
I'm not as socially inept as my questions probably suggest, honest. But this seems a good, safe, opportunity to check my models and assumptions.
I think I'm masking a bit less post diagnosis, in that I'm more honest about not wanting people to touch me, and needing quiet time. I've not ditched my manners as far as I know.
I think I'm masking a bit less post diagnosis, in that I'm more honest about not wanting people to touch me, and needing quiet time. I've not ditched my manners as far as I know.
QJumper said:
shirt said:
as someone diagnosed and high functioning with it, can you recommend anything that someone with undiagnosed autism could read which may strike a cord with them and put them on the road to seeing someone professionally?
a lot of what you write makes me think of a close female friend. she is very high functioning [global VP role, very good 6fig salary] and exceptionally good as masking at work. in private she can be a total f
king nightmare. small things become big things which become arguments as i don't understand. she can remind me of a small child, and any frustration or change in tone on my part just fuels the fire. she is very sensitive to bright light, change in routine, doesn't discuss feelings, feels like its 'her' vs 'us' and she will end up alone in a cave to get the solitude she needs.
she has several versions of the same person in one. some i like, some i really don't. i don't feel at all like this is deliberate, there's things going on under the surface i can't get close to, largely as she is unable to discuss it, or else deflects the issue. i'm somewhat past thinking she is acting up, yet also quite tired of the inability to make progress.
she has been in therapy previously, diagnoses with high anxiety and complex ptsd. i can see that, but for me reading your experiences makes me think those are/were situational but underneath that there's someone who sits somewhere on the spectrum. i just don't think its for me to point this out, essentially due to the risk of argument.
To be fair, the symptoms you describe could relate to a number of disorders, and may not be autism related. Your comment about her being sensitive to any frustration, or change in tone on your part, as well as the suggestion of a little paranoia in the "her vs us" comment, could mean some insecurity/self esteem related issues. That's somewhat in line with the complex ptsd diagosis, which could have resulted from past abuse/neglect, childhood or otherwise.a lot of what you write makes me think of a close female friend. she is very high functioning [global VP role, very good 6fig salary] and exceptionally good as masking at work. in private she can be a total f
king nightmare. small things become big things which become arguments as i don't understand. she can remind me of a small child, and any frustration or change in tone on my part just fuels the fire. she is very sensitive to bright light, change in routine, doesn't discuss feelings, feels like its 'her' vs 'us' and she will end up alone in a cave to get the solitude she needs. she has several versions of the same person in one. some i like, some i really don't. i don't feel at all like this is deliberate, there's things going on under the surface i can't get close to, largely as she is unable to discuss it, or else deflects the issue. i'm somewhat past thinking she is acting up, yet also quite tired of the inability to make progress.
she has been in therapy previously, diagnoses with high anxiety and complex ptsd. i can see that, but for me reading your experiences makes me think those are/were situational but underneath that there's someone who sits somewhere on the spectrum. i just don't think its for me to point this out, essentially due to the risk of argument.
I think you're right to not want to point anything out, as sometimes people's issues make them insuffciently rational to not shoot the messenger.
i will say that this is someone i'm in a very close relationship with without it being a defined relationship so to speak, mainly her end as the ptsd and her neurodivergency combine to create a very strong push/pull situation. this does, at times, create strain but is something i am seeking to understand rather than bin off. fwiw it's not manipulative behaviour, for there is simply no pay off.
anyhow, i'm posting as we were discussing something at the weekend which gave rise to me proffering that i think she may be somewhere on the autism spectrum. she actually took this very well and has asked me to provide literature for her to read up on and see whether she identifies with strongly enough to want to pursue this line of thinking with a professional.
i don't want to present her with my cod diagnosis, she has to identify with what others [professionals or those with a diagnosis] have written. hence looking for some good resources to send, not the first page of google type stuff and especially from the female perspective [she is gold medal standard at masking]. any suggestions? also a link for a decent raads-r test would be helpful.
cheers.
Anyone know timelines for a referral for adult assessment? I guess it varies region to region and I am sure its going to be a long wait. I spoke to my GP, they asked me to complete some questionnaires, I have heard nothing back except when I view my online notes it says "referral to community mental health team".
I guess at some point I will get a letter with an appointment in the distant future?
I guess at some point I will get a letter with an appointment in the distant future?
shirt said:
i don't want to present her with my cod diagnosis, she has to identify with what others [professionals or those with a diagnosis] have written. hence looking for some good resources to send, not the first page of google type stuff and especially from the female perspective [she is gold medal standard at masking]. any suggestions? also a link for a decent raads-r test would be helpful.
The RAADS-R I did was at Embrace Autism, but the sire seems to have disappeared. It's a standard srt of questions and standard scoring though, so the same answer should produce the same result anywhere.The Aspie test might be worth a go too - it illustrates ND vs NT thinking styles.
On the video side, Yo Samdy Sam on YouTube is very articulate. My wife has suggested Aspien Girl. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Aspiengirl-Unique-Charact...
sparkyhx said:
LOL many of which I feign when acting neurotypical as an autistic person. Its called masking and generally autistic women are better at it than men.
Yep, much better at it, and from a younger age, sadly a big part of why they aren't getting diagnosed!Sporky said:
I'm not as socially inept as my questions probably suggest, honest. But this seems a good, safe, opportunity to check my models and assumptions.
I think I'm masking a bit less post diagnosis, in that I'm more honest about not wanting people to touch me, and needing quiet time. I've not ditched my manners as far as I know.
No they don't suggest that at all, but either way, agreed this is hopefully a good, safe place to ask blunt questions. Here's an interesting little nugget, my partner found living in Germany much easier from a social / masking perspective, because the German language is very direct, so there isn't this mysterious subtext to everything. I'd imagine the same is probably true in the Netherlands, a nation famed for being blunt and direct.I think I'm masking a bit less post diagnosis, in that I'm more honest about not wanting people to touch me, and needing quiet time. I've not ditched my manners as far as I know.
shirt said:
i don't want to present her with my cod diagnosis, she has to identify with what others [professionals or those with a diagnosis] have written. hence looking for some good resources to send, not the first page of google type stuff and especially from the female perspective [she is gold medal standard at masking]. any suggestions? also a link for a decent raads-r test would be helpful.
cheers.
The book Strong Female Character as mentioned above. It's excellent.cheers.
shirt said:
i don't want to present her with my cod diagnosis, she has to identify with what others [professionals or those with a diagnosis] have written. hence looking for some good resources to send, not the first page of google type stuff and especially from the female perspective [she is gold medal standard at masking]. any suggestions? also a link for a decent raads-r test would be helpful.
cheers.
https://embrace-autism.com/raads-r/cheers.
Edited by Derek Withers on Monday 17th April 17:31
Womans Perspective
Have a look at the blogs on here, many from a womans perspective. The blogs are real lived experience. The podcasts also a good resource. A mix of lived experience and theoretical, with some big names in these
https://aspireautismconsultancy.co.uk/
Book wise, there are lots available these days, both theoretical and autobiographic. My wife recommends these in particular
Have a look at the blogs on here, many from a womans perspective. The blogs are real lived experience. The podcasts also a good resource. A mix of lived experience and theoretical, with some big names in these
https://aspireautismconsultancy.co.uk/
Book wise, there are lots available these days, both theoretical and autobiographic. My wife recommends these in particular
- My Autistice Fight Song - Rosy Wheldon
- Strong Female Character - Fern Brady
- Odd Girl |Out - Laura James
- Drama Queen - Sara Gibbs
shirt said:
as someone diagnosed and high functioning with it, can you recommend anything that someone with undiagnosed autism could read which may strike a cord with them and put them on the road to seeing someone professionally?
a lot of what you write makes me think of a close female friend. she is very high functioning [global VP role, very good 6fig salary] and exceptionally good as masking at work. in private she can be a total fking nightmare. small things become big things which become arguments as i don't understand. she can remind me of a small child, and any frustration or change in tone on my part just fuels the fire. she is very sensitive to bright light, change in routine, doesn't discuss feelings, feels like its 'her' vs 'us' and she will end up alone in a cave to get the solitude she needs.
she has several versions of the same person in one. some i like, some i really don't. i don't feel at all like this is deliberate, there's things going on under the surface i can't get close to, largely as she is unable to discuss it, or else deflects the issue. i'm somewhat past thinking she is acting up, yet also quite tired of the inability to make progress.
she has been in therapy previously, diagnoses with high anxiety and complex ptsd. i can see that, but for me reading your experiences makes me think those are/were situational but underneath that there's someone who sits somewhere on the spectrum. i just don't think its for me to point this out, essentially due to the risk of argument.
Every single thing in this post is a mirror image of a relationship I have with someone I have become close to, also female, the only difference being that she is now officially diagnosed, as of last year. If anything, she's become more extreme, and I can understand that, as having spent 40 years living in a world she essentially hasn't understood or fitted in to, she now has a recognised condition to attribute to her difficulties. She's currently coming out of an 11 week autistic burnout which has kept her from her job and caused her to isolate from those she's close to.a lot of what you write makes me think of a close female friend. she is very high functioning [global VP role, very good 6fig salary] and exceptionally good as masking at work. in private she can be a total f
king nightmare. small things become big things which become arguments as i don't understand. she can remind me of a small child, and any frustration or change in tone on my part just fuels the fire. she is very sensitive to bright light, change in routine, doesn't discuss feelings, feels like its 'her' vs 'us' and she will end up alone in a cave to get the solitude she needs. she has several versions of the same person in one. some i like, some i really don't. i don't feel at all like this is deliberate, there's things going on under the surface i can't get close to, largely as she is unable to discuss it, or else deflects the issue. i'm somewhat past thinking she is acting up, yet also quite tired of the inability to make progress.
she has been in therapy previously, diagnoses with high anxiety and complex ptsd. i can see that, but for me reading your experiences makes me think those are/were situational but underneath that there's someone who sits somewhere on the spectrum. i just don't think its for me to point this out, essentially due to the risk of argument.
She's probably the most intelligent and intuitive person I've ever met, with an extremely responsible and high pressure job. Having been friends for 5 years, and having had her trust me enough to converse with me about almost every aspect of her life, I'm sad at her recent disappearance, but resigned to the fact that I don't think I'm someone who knows how to deal with the situation in a way that helps her move forward. I also have my own issues currently which have had to be addressed.
I've found it personally to be an often stressful and depressing friendship, but she knows I'm available to contact should she so wish. Not sure what else there is really.
Heaveho said:
shirt said:
as someone diagnosed and high functioning with it, can you recommend anything that someone with undiagnosed autism could read which may strike a cord with them and put them on the road to seeing someone professionally?
a lot of what you write makes me think of a close female friend. she is very high functioning [global VP role, very good 6fig salary] and exceptionally good as masking at work. in private she can be a total fking nightmare. small things become big things which become arguments as i don't understand. she can remind me of a small child, and any frustration or change in tone on my part just fuels the fire. she is very sensitive to bright light, change in routine, doesn't discuss feelings, feels like its 'her' vs 'us' and she will end up alone in a cave to get the solitude she needs.
she has several versions of the same person in one. some i like, some i really don't. i don't feel at all like this is deliberate, there's things going on under the surface i can't get close to, largely as she is unable to discuss it, or else deflects the issue. i'm somewhat past thinking she is acting up, yet also quite tired of the inability to make progress.
she has been in therapy previously, diagnoses with high anxiety and complex ptsd. i can see that, but for me reading your experiences makes me think those are/were situational but underneath that there's someone who sits somewhere on the spectrum. i just don't think its for me to point this out, essentially due to the risk of argument.
Every single thing in this post is a mirror image of a relationship I have with someone I have become close to, also female, the only difference being that she is now officially diagnosed, as of last year. If anything, she's become more extreme, and I can understand that, as having spent 40 years living in a world she essentially hasn't understood or fitted in to, she now has a recognised condition to attribute to her difficulties. She's currently coming out of an 11 week autistic burnout which has kept her from her job and caused her to isolate from those she's close to.a lot of what you write makes me think of a close female friend. she is very high functioning [global VP role, very good 6fig salary] and exceptionally good as masking at work. in private she can be a total f
king nightmare. small things become big things which become arguments as i don't understand. she can remind me of a small child, and any frustration or change in tone on my part just fuels the fire. she is very sensitive to bright light, change in routine, doesn't discuss feelings, feels like its 'her' vs 'us' and she will end up alone in a cave to get the solitude she needs. she has several versions of the same person in one. some i like, some i really don't. i don't feel at all like this is deliberate, there's things going on under the surface i can't get close to, largely as she is unable to discuss it, or else deflects the issue. i'm somewhat past thinking she is acting up, yet also quite tired of the inability to make progress.
she has been in therapy previously, diagnoses with high anxiety and complex ptsd. i can see that, but for me reading your experiences makes me think those are/were situational but underneath that there's someone who sits somewhere on the spectrum. i just don't think its for me to point this out, essentially due to the risk of argument.
She's probably the most intelligent and intuitive person I've ever met, with an extremely responsible and high pressure job. Having been friends for 5 years, and having had her trust me enough to converse with me about almost every aspect of her life, I'm sad at her recent disappearance, but resigned to the fact that I don't think I'm someone who knows how to deal with the situation in a way that helps her move forward. I also have my own issues currently which have had to be addressed.
I've found it personally to be an often stressful and depressing friendship, but she knows I'm available to contact should she so wish. Not sure what else there is really.
If she's just been diagnosed she maybe experiencing a kind of 'grief', whilst having the epipheny of the diagnosis and everything slipping into place and making sense of your life, the flip side of that is realising there is no 'fix' and you are probably looking at your difficulties being life long
timeism0ney said:
People who shared information about their neurodiversity at work - what did you find helped and what didn’t help as much as you hoped or perhaps was even counterproductive? Thinking about the best way to make an ‘announcement’ myself. Thanks
That's a toughy. I don't think there is one answer. Depends on the organisation culture, your boss, your colleagues. Their reaction will vary from 'another one with a woke diagnosis expecting special treatment' thru - 'oh yes I watched rainman' all the way to people with some experience and knowledge cos of relatives/kids etc.Some will ask - "what does that mean for you and me", "how does it usually manifest itself", "what can I do to help" etc. Even with those it may be a pat response and you tell them and it goes in one ear and out the other.
You will hear snippets of conversations, banter in the workplace and the way people talk about women, disability, race and I think you will probably know if and when its the right time.
sparkyhx said:
Just be there thru the tough times even if she tries to push you away because it feels safer for her to disconnect. Unfortunately you will probably always need to be the first to initiate contact, so dont forget that. Loyalty is often a big part of autistic peoples lives, but its doesnt necessarily look like neurotypical loyalty. We can not have contact with 'friends' for months and years and then its like nothing ever happened, wheras neurotypicals will see that as a lost cause and just give up.
If she's just been diagnosed she maybe experiencing a kind of 'grief', whilst having the epipheny of the diagnosis and everything slipping into place and making sense of your life, the flip side of that is realising there is no 'fix' and you are probably looking at your difficulties being life long
Thank you for that, as getting a reply from someone in " the know " can only help me to try to do the right thing. I think the world of her as a friend and when she's ok she really is all you could hope for from a person. We were friends before covid, which was before she was diagnosed. Unbeknown to me, I was the only person keeping in regular contact with her throughout, leading her to say I was her best friend. If she's just been diagnosed she maybe experiencing a kind of 'grief', whilst having the epipheny of the diagnosis and everything slipping into place and making sense of your life, the flip side of that is realising there is no 'fix' and you are probably looking at your difficulties being life long
Unfortunately, I fell ill last year and wasn't available very much, just at the point where she really could have done with me being around. It's gone fairly wrong since then between us, although we've had some contact in the last couple of days, which I initiated, and she's gone as far as suggesting it would be nice to meet and catch up, which was the last thing I was expecting.
I can only guess at the difficulties she faces in life. I find it pretty heartbreaking to observe if I'm honest. For my own health, I should step back, but I just can't do that, she's been abandoned multiple times already. If she kicks me into touch, as hard as that will be to deal with from my point of view, at least that will be her decision and not yet another person doing that to her.
I'm not sure if it's relevant, but it might be helpful.
I've cut people off. Sometimes it's because they're too much effort - one can't stop talking, and it feels like you're being battered with words. No opportunity to process, no opportunity to respond, no opportunity to clarify - I don't think anything can be done there, our nature's do not work together. Another (a family member) tried to manipulate me when mym mum died. That would need a genuine apology. Most of the others have been things like consistent lateness, or a sudden action that was contrary to my understanding of them - those could be fixed if they'd explain.
So, bearing in mind I don't know either of you, and not blaming anyone for anything, she may have interpreted your lack of contact (because you were ill) as you abandoning her. I think that's in the category of fixable with explanation.
As I've said, I don't like to speak for others (so I mean this from my perspective, but generalised outwards) it can be hard for us to work out why people do what they do, and I think it's common to build faulty explanations for unexpected behaviours. It's also common for those explanations to be a bit harsh and/or negative, because that feels "safer" somehow.
If she's talking about meeting again that feels quite positive. Again, I don't know either of you, but if it hasn't been said, explaining the gap in contact would be good if it was me in what I've assumed is her position. Doesn't need to be an apology - it doesn't sound like there's any fault - but I'm not good with uncertainty, and I'm not always able to ask.
I've cut people off. Sometimes it's because they're too much effort - one can't stop talking, and it feels like you're being battered with words. No opportunity to process, no opportunity to respond, no opportunity to clarify - I don't think anything can be done there, our nature's do not work together. Another (a family member) tried to manipulate me when mym mum died. That would need a genuine apology. Most of the others have been things like consistent lateness, or a sudden action that was contrary to my understanding of them - those could be fixed if they'd explain.
So, bearing in mind I don't know either of you, and not blaming anyone for anything, she may have interpreted your lack of contact (because you were ill) as you abandoning her. I think that's in the category of fixable with explanation.
As I've said, I don't like to speak for others (so I mean this from my perspective, but generalised outwards) it can be hard for us to work out why people do what they do, and I think it's common to build faulty explanations for unexpected behaviours. It's also common for those explanations to be a bit harsh and/or negative, because that feels "safer" somehow.
If she's talking about meeting again that feels quite positive. Again, I don't know either of you, but if it hasn't been said, explaining the gap in contact would be good if it was me in what I've assumed is her position. Doesn't need to be an apology - it doesn't sound like there's any fault - but I'm not good with uncertainty, and I'm not always able to ask.
Sporky said:
I'm not sure if it's relevant, but it might be helpful.
I've cut people off. Sometimes it's because they're too much effort - one can't stop talking, and it feels like you're being battered with words. No opportunity to process, no opportunity to respond, no opportunity to clarify - I don't think anything can be done there, our nature's do not work together. Another (a family member) tried to manipulate me when mym mum died. That would need a genuine apology. Most of the others have been things like consistent lateness, or a sudden action that was contrary to my understanding of them - those could be fixed if they'd explain.
So, bearing in mind I don't know either of you, and not blaming anyone for anything, she may have interpreted your lack of contact (because you were ill) as you abandoning her. I think that's in the category of fixable with explanation.
As I've said, I don't like to speak for others (so I mean this from my perspective, but generalised outwards) it can be hard for us to work out why people do what they do, and I think it's common to build faulty explanations for unexpected behaviours. It's also common for those explanations to be a bit harsh and/or negative, because that feels "safer" somehow.
If she's talking about meeting again that feels quite positive. Again, I don't know either of you, but if it hasn't been said, explaining the gap in contact would be good if it was me in what I've assumed is her position. Doesn't need to be an apology - it doesn't sound like there's any fault - but I'm not good with uncertainty, and I'm not always able to ask.
Thanks for the reply. This thread is such a valuable resource in many ways. Everything's relevant because I'm in your world here and I feel that, as hard as I want and try to understand what the right thing is to do, I'm largely fighting blind when it comes to it. I kind of feel like what I'm seeing is a snapshot reverse image of what those with autism experience their whole lives in some respects. And this is only one aspect of my life in which I'm experiencing it and I'm finding just that one part of it so difficult. I've cut people off. Sometimes it's because they're too much effort - one can't stop talking, and it feels like you're being battered with words. No opportunity to process, no opportunity to respond, no opportunity to clarify - I don't think anything can be done there, our nature's do not work together. Another (a family member) tried to manipulate me when mym mum died. That would need a genuine apology. Most of the others have been things like consistent lateness, or a sudden action that was contrary to my understanding of them - those could be fixed if they'd explain.
So, bearing in mind I don't know either of you, and not blaming anyone for anything, she may have interpreted your lack of contact (because you were ill) as you abandoning her. I think that's in the category of fixable with explanation.
As I've said, I don't like to speak for others (so I mean this from my perspective, but generalised outwards) it can be hard for us to work out why people do what they do, and I think it's common to build faulty explanations for unexpected behaviours. It's also common for those explanations to be a bit harsh and/or negative, because that feels "safer" somehow.
If she's talking about meeting again that feels quite positive. Again, I don't know either of you, but if it hasn't been said, explaining the gap in contact would be good if it was me in what I've assumed is her position. Doesn't need to be an apology - it doesn't sound like there's any fault - but I'm not good with uncertainty, and I'm not always able to ask.
Your explanations of how you're inclined to react and the talk of abandonment are very similar to my experiences with her. She has days where she doesn't want to " adult ". I've told her up to a point about what's been going on with me ( nausea for 8 months, multiple endoscopys, ulcers etc ), but she's a Dr. so doesn't tend to see it as particularly serious if it isn't actually life threatening. I've kept some back because I don't want to overwhelm her with my nonsense when I feel she already has so much to deal with. Her life's been a nightmare recently.
If you don't mind, for as long as I manage to remain friends with this girl, I may come on and ask what may seem like naive or downright stupid NT questions. She's been completely open in the past about almost all aspects of her life, that's not the case now. I don't want to force her to be friends if she would rather not, but I don't just want to disappear if it's not what she wants. It feels like a bit of a tightrope walk.
Hi, any suggestions on how I can help my ASD friend, he's in denial about himself, raise his kids better? He married a women with multiple mental health issues and I'm sure she's on medication for these and their kids are already showing telltale signs of being on the spectrum - they don't talk (parents aren't talkative), the eldest has lot's of anger issues and frustration, they aren't flexible at all and will go into fits of rage and cry a lot and the don't make eye contact. I can see their may be a chance to change them as they like to have hugs and can talk, but when they are around their mother, it's silence and being socially distant. The kids only stimulation are books and playing games with their parents. There is no noise in the house and no stimulus materials like accessible crayons/ paints as the parents don't like mess.
shirt said:
yes i realise the danger of armchair psych. however i spend a lot of time with this person [24/7 for weeks at a time, spread over several years] and know her history back to childhood. i've also been through a lot of psychiatry myself so its not a casual conclusion i've come to. i could go in in detail as to my observations but don't think it's fair to do so.
i will say that this is someone i'm in a very close relationship with without it being a defined relationship so to speak, mainly her end as the ptsd and her neurodivergency combine to create a very strong push/pull situation. this does, at times, create strain but is something i am seeking to understand rather than bin off. fwiw it's not manipulative behaviour, for there is simply no pay off.
anyhow, i'm posting as we were discussing something at the weekend which gave rise to me proffering that i think she may be somewhere on the autism spectrum. she actually took this very well and has asked me to provide literature for her to read up on and see whether she identifies with strongly enough to want to pursue this line of thinking with a professional.
i don't want to present her with my cod diagnosis, she has to identify with what others [professionals or those with a diagnosis] have written. hence looking for some good resources to send, not the first page of google type stuff and especially from the female perspective [she is gold medal standard at masking]. any suggestions? also a link for a decent raads-r test would be helpful.
cheers.
Although on the spectrum myself, I can't think of anything to recommend. What I will say though is to look inward first, and think about what it is that you want, or hope to achieve. The reason I say this is because it's easy to get drawn into a relationship/non relationship with someone who demonstrates those kind of traits, which can ultimately be very draining, if not damaging.i will say that this is someone i'm in a very close relationship with without it being a defined relationship so to speak, mainly her end as the ptsd and her neurodivergency combine to create a very strong push/pull situation. this does, at times, create strain but is something i am seeking to understand rather than bin off. fwiw it's not manipulative behaviour, for there is simply no pay off.
anyhow, i'm posting as we were discussing something at the weekend which gave rise to me proffering that i think she may be somewhere on the autism spectrum. she actually took this very well and has asked me to provide literature for her to read up on and see whether she identifies with strongly enough to want to pursue this line of thinking with a professional.
i don't want to present her with my cod diagnosis, she has to identify with what others [professionals or those with a diagnosis] have written. hence looking for some good resources to send, not the first page of google type stuff and especially from the female perspective [she is gold medal standard at masking]. any suggestions? also a link for a decent raads-r test would be helpful.
cheers.
I speak with some experience, as I knew someone similar, very driven, highly inteliigent, and with severe anxiety issues due to possible past trauma. There was also a lot of push/pull, and what I would call manipulative behaviour, although I know it wasn't intentional, and more a product of her own defences.
Oddly enough, she once suggested autism herself, but the occasional volatility, and hypersensitivity to certain triggers, suggested deeper self esteem/insecurity issues, that pointed more towards other kinds of disorders. I'd be cautious if you find yourself walking on eggshells at times, or having to mind what you say, for fear of setting her off. In my experience of being diagnosed somewhat highly on the scale, whilst certain things bother me, I'm not personally sensitive at all, in fact I'm rather thick skinned, and people can be as direct as they like, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I may withdraw at times if I feel overwhelmed, but I'm never volatile, nor do I misinterpret things in ways that might trigger an insecurity type of reaction.
Of course everyone is different, and it's not uncommon for someone to have a number of coinciding issues. What I can say though, is that trying to fix someone, in the hope of getting to some kind of normal relationship, is a very difficult, if not futile endeavour.
So, I'll go back to what I said at the beginning. Think of yourself first, and what you want, before you find yourself walking down a one way street. The constantly dangled carrot of push/pull can be very hard for anyone to walk away from, especially as you invest more time and emotion, but if someone continually keeps you at a distance, then it's unlikely that will change without substantial professional intervention, or unless you significantly alter the dynamic.
There's a world of difference between a relationship where you're dealing with everyday challenges and enjoying everyday pleasures, and one that's dominated by having to constantly manage the issues of the other person.
If there's one thing I've learned about relationships, for my own health and sanity, it's never try to fix anyone. Either accept them and be happy with them, for exactly who they are, or walk away.
Edited by QJumper on Thursday 27th April 14:56
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff