Anyone else struggling to find a purpose ?
Discussion
Tomorrow - make an appointment to go and see the GP, many things there sound like symptoms of mental health problems or hormonal imbalance or any of a number of other things. If it is one of these things, which is likely, they are treatable, and a month or two from now life will seem alright again and you’ll have forgotten all about this.
With a clearer head on your shoulders you’ll also find things go your way a bit more and you’re not so bothered if they don’t.
Been there myself. Don’t just struggle on for too long - help is available as soon as you ask for it!
With a clearer head on your shoulders you’ll also find things go your way a bit more and you’re not so bothered if they don’t.
Been there myself. Don’t just struggle on for too long - help is available as soon as you ask for it!
What do you really enjoy in life and do you find pleasure in anything?
It sounds like you've got some depression symptoms so a trip to the docs might help or to speak to an independent professional on the phone.
What I will say is that money isn't everything. By having more doesn't necessarily make you any happier. I have up and down days but find exercise and goal setting works for me without having to Medicare for it. A focus is what keeps you going, without it you're mind is free to explore the darker bits.
It sounds like you've got some depression symptoms so a trip to the docs might help or to speak to an independent professional on the phone.
What I will say is that money isn't everything. By having more doesn't necessarily make you any happier. I have up and down days but find exercise and goal setting works for me without having to Medicare for it. A focus is what keeps you going, without it you're mind is free to explore the darker bits.
Danny,
What you have described is very similar to how I have felt at low points in my life, when I yo-yo between high and lows, can’t explain why, it just happens but having a family really does help to conquer negative intrusive thoughts.
You’ve made the first step by starting to talk on here - almost everyone will have struggles at some point in their life or be affected by a loved one who is.
Definitely worth talking to someone face to face, do not be afraid to do this. I’m not suggesting anything here but I’m happy to state I’ve had mental health issues - pretty bad at a couple of points in my life and friends and family were shocked to hear I felt the way I did - because from the outside to most I have the perfect life but I don’t. I get bored and struggle to find a direction that will challenge or entertain me.
It’s always harder when money is involved but you have to remember that you are really lucky to have a young son. You mention he is only 6months old - health professionals always talk about the benefits of skin to skin contact between mothers and their new children. Try it, give him a cuddle with your top off and feel the bond, do the same with your mrs too with your son, feel the closeness and bond that you have together, breath it in and relax.
Talk to your mrs too. Don’t rush trying to get everything perfect straight away as that’s almost impossible. Start with a small step plan of achievable things.
Can you tell us a bit more about what you do/where you are based/experience etc. I have a few contacts I may be able to put you in contact with for better opportunities but need to know the above to see if they cover where you are. If not I’m sure fellow PHers may be able to assist.
Good luck and please keep talking - do not let bad thoughts take over your mind. Create a folder on your phone and title it Happy Things - put all the nice photos that make you smile into that folder and ALWAYS look at it when you feel low.
Do not listen to sad music. Again choose stuff that makes you smile - dance to it, exercise to it, cuddle to it!
What you have described is very similar to how I have felt at low points in my life, when I yo-yo between high and lows, can’t explain why, it just happens but having a family really does help to conquer negative intrusive thoughts.
You’ve made the first step by starting to talk on here - almost everyone will have struggles at some point in their life or be affected by a loved one who is.
Definitely worth talking to someone face to face, do not be afraid to do this. I’m not suggesting anything here but I’m happy to state I’ve had mental health issues - pretty bad at a couple of points in my life and friends and family were shocked to hear I felt the way I did - because from the outside to most I have the perfect life but I don’t. I get bored and struggle to find a direction that will challenge or entertain me.
It’s always harder when money is involved but you have to remember that you are really lucky to have a young son. You mention he is only 6months old - health professionals always talk about the benefits of skin to skin contact between mothers and their new children. Try it, give him a cuddle with your top off and feel the bond, do the same with your mrs too with your son, feel the closeness and bond that you have together, breath it in and relax.
Talk to your mrs too. Don’t rush trying to get everything perfect straight away as that’s almost impossible. Start with a small step plan of achievable things.
Can you tell us a bit more about what you do/where you are based/experience etc. I have a few contacts I may be able to put you in contact with for better opportunities but need to know the above to see if they cover where you are. If not I’m sure fellow PHers may be able to assist.
Good luck and please keep talking - do not let bad thoughts take over your mind. Create a folder on your phone and title it Happy Things - put all the nice photos that make you smile into that folder and ALWAYS look at it when you feel low.
Do not listen to sad music. Again choose stuff that makes you smile - dance to it, exercise to it, cuddle to it!
Edited by W12GT on Tuesday 25th February 09:55
The great news is you’ve got time on your side and a foundation to work from.
Your 6 month old will love you more and more as time goes on and not be bothered who’s dad drives what car.
Your mind is racing because you need direction - small and big goals.
What do you want to achieve today? This week? This month? How are you going to achieve it?
Whilst the bigger picture is important, stressing every day about being able to put yourself in the same debt as others with car loans/mortgages isn’t the best way to achieve it. I can assure you very few of your friends your comparing yourself to have to money to buy the things they’re buying! It’s all just stuff, you have love, which is priceless. They might be financially better if without you around at the moment, but money doesn’t buy happiness.
Focus your energy on being happy with what you have, not on what you want, or what others have. Get help to do this if needed.
Your 6 month old will love you more and more as time goes on and not be bothered who’s dad drives what car.
Your mind is racing because you need direction - small and big goals.
What do you want to achieve today? This week? This month? How are you going to achieve it?
Whilst the bigger picture is important, stressing every day about being able to put yourself in the same debt as others with car loans/mortgages isn’t the best way to achieve it. I can assure you very few of your friends your comparing yourself to have to money to buy the things they’re buying! It’s all just stuff, you have love, which is priceless. They might be financially better if without you around at the moment, but money doesn’t buy happiness.
Focus your energy on being happy with what you have, not on what you want, or what others have. Get help to do this if needed.
All of the above, plus don't spend too much time on here! It makes Richard Branson feel inadequate, with posters talking about paying off their 600k house mortgages before they were 40 by "working hard", b
ks, being skint and not really having found your direction in your career is very normal at 26. Make a plan and adapt it accordingly when things need to alter.
ks, being skint and not really having found your direction in your career is very normal at 26. Make a plan and adapt it accordingly when things need to alter. Danny4494 said:
Is anyone else struggling to find a purpose ?, I just feel lost like I don't know what I'm doing or going to do with life ?
I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
See you're looking at what you don't have instead of what you have. I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
Joey Ramone said:
You have engineering skills. Many people don't. That's an immediate advantage. Have you thought about the Armed forces? Get into the right bit of one of the services and those skills will be improved and multiplied.
Not sure I’d support this myself, many people come out of the forces at the end of their stint and are lost and in very similar position you are in now - unless you can get a commission which would give longevity.You have gone from a carefree 25 year old to a 26 year old with a family.
Now suddenly there is responsibility, there is providing the best,bringing home the meat to put on the table.
This is never an easy transition for anyone. The fears and feelings you have are normal for somebody in your place.New fatherhood is stressful.
Lack of sleep, lack of free time,lack of money, living with a woman who is doing well if she is not a zombie everyday. It all adds up to hard work.
This is all normal for a new Dad,yes thats right Dad! Daddy!
The smiles
The gurgles
The baby smell
Holding them in your arms and knowing you will never love anything more than them. Focus on this.
Talk to your wife,in turn listen to her,she has your back,you cover hers.
You sound like you are doing the right things,working hard,bettering yourself at college,all the other stuff will come,you are 26 not 46, its a journey,not a race.
Now suddenly there is responsibility, there is providing the best,bringing home the meat to put on the table.
This is never an easy transition for anyone. The fears and feelings you have are normal for somebody in your place.New fatherhood is stressful.
Lack of sleep, lack of free time,lack of money, living with a woman who is doing well if she is not a zombie everyday. It all adds up to hard work.
This is all normal for a new Dad,yes thats right Dad! Daddy!
The smiles
The gurgles
The baby smell
Holding them in your arms and knowing you will never love anything more than them. Focus on this.
Talk to your wife,in turn listen to her,she has your back,you cover hers.
You sound like you are doing the right things,working hard,bettering yourself at college,all the other stuff will come,you are 26 not 46, its a journey,not a race.
I was 32 when I became a dad and about 6 months after they were born, (I already had a lot of stuff on my plate) I had a real wobble and needed time off work for it. It triggered an anxiety that i'd not previously experienced.
I've had some dark days since then but the one thing that you must remember is that you are the world to your little boy and tomorrow is another day. I'm approaching 40 fast and I still think I should have changed career years ago but that doesn't stop me from looking for enjoyment from life.
Do the free stuff in life, go for long walks with boy on your back, get into the woods, walk on the beach and get some fresh air. Join a club if you have interests. Take time out for yourself as well as giving time to the family.
I've had some dark days since then but the one thing that you must remember is that you are the world to your little boy and tomorrow is another day. I'm approaching 40 fast and I still think I should have changed career years ago but that doesn't stop me from looking for enjoyment from life.
Do the free stuff in life, go for long walks with boy on your back, get into the woods, walk on the beach and get some fresh air. Join a club if you have interests. Take time out for yourself as well as giving time to the family.
Danny4494 said:
Is anyone else struggling to find a purpose ?, I just feel lost like I don't know what I'm doing or going to do with life ?
I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
Lots of good in this post if you try and change your perspective a little bit. I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
Your not unemployed
Your job is a skilled job, not any old thing - that makes your more employable than many
Your taking classes to further improve yourself - that's attractive and will provide some fruit eventually
At 26 you are able to put a roof over the head of your new family and put food on the table and even after that, you've still got £40 a week to yourself - that's not bad
You've got a good credit rating and some stranger has had a look at your credentials and thought, hell yeah, I'll lend that guy £80 grand no problem. Heck, maybe next year they'll up it to £100 grand.
There are millions of people in this world that would wish they could be just like you
The most important bit, you're young. A full life ahead of you. You're maybe lacking a bit of patience perhaps but my overall take on it is that your problem (s) isn't the situation, as your situation seems fine and perfectly normal - it does appear to be mental. Whether you just need to look at things a little differently, or whether its depression or similar is hard to know. You'll be the judge of that but as mentioned, a trip to a doctor won't hurt.
And because you live in the UK, you don't even have to pay! How cool is that!? I say that tongue in cheek but hopefully get the point I'm trying to make - sometimes it's how we look at things thats part of the problem.
Good luck and congratulations on becoming a Dad. It's fun and hard at the same time. Sometimes it'll feel that your life has been taken away by responsibilities, sometimes it'll feel just brilliant. Thats just the way it is.
There's good posts here already. I echo the not being alone in feeling like this. There is a significant influence of our environment / the way we live our lives as a society. Our values are misaligned and our ego won't let them go.
All feelings (and life itself) are transient. They started and they will end. Speak to someone about them. When you start down the path of wondering how people will do without you then you are in need.
On the ultimate question of purpose, there is none. Life is a dance, and what is the purpose of a dance? To mystify, to enjoy, to collaborate . Above all it's not supposed to be taken too seriously. (paraphrase, Alan Watts).
All feelings (and life itself) are transient. They started and they will end. Speak to someone about them. When you start down the path of wondering how people will do without you then you are in need.
On the ultimate question of purpose, there is none. Life is a dance, and what is the purpose of a dance? To mystify, to enjoy, to collaborate . Above all it's not supposed to be taken too seriously. (paraphrase, Alan Watts).
It isn’t easy to get or keep perspective. A problem for many people is that they compare themselves against people doing better than themselves and feeling bad, rather than looking at the vast majority of people worse off and feeling good. When I was a lot younger I spent a week living with one of my wife’s relatives in Delhi. By Indian standards, particularly at the time, they were doing well enough (they had a car even if it was a Morris Oxford) but compared to most in the UK it would have seemed a meagre existence. Absolute poverty was pretty close - just wandering around Delhi there were plenty that possessed not much more than the rags they were wearing. When I feel bad or get envious of friends I try to think back to that time and feel lucky about what I do have.
I think it is great that you want to better yourself and want to keep learning. You should be proud of your efforts and attitude and achievements to date. It isn’t always about where you end up but how far you have come. I know people who are super successful but then they came from rich, stable and supportive families and went to top private schools that helped get them into Oxbridge (or equivalent in their country). Coming from a broken, working class family on a council estate made my journey somewhat harder and I try to keep that in mind.
As others have posted, it sounds like you have a mental health issue. Being a new dad is hard. I wonder whether your partner is also suffering. Have you discussed it with her?
In my case at least it got easier. I love being a Dad (even though I was nervous about it at the beginning). Spending time with my daughter is great and nothing beats the feeling when she gives me a hug and tells me that she loves me. I’ve owned lots of great cars, bikes, houses and other material objects but none of them has given me a fraction of the pleasure of being with my daughter. Of course her love and respect hasn’t come for free. I’ve had to work for both over the years - but it was mainly pleasant work. Same with my wife.
Sorry for the ramble.
I think it is great that you want to better yourself and want to keep learning. You should be proud of your efforts and attitude and achievements to date. It isn’t always about where you end up but how far you have come. I know people who are super successful but then they came from rich, stable and supportive families and went to top private schools that helped get them into Oxbridge (or equivalent in their country). Coming from a broken, working class family on a council estate made my journey somewhat harder and I try to keep that in mind.
As others have posted, it sounds like you have a mental health issue. Being a new dad is hard. I wonder whether your partner is also suffering. Have you discussed it with her?
In my case at least it got easier. I love being a Dad (even though I was nervous about it at the beginning). Spending time with my daughter is great and nothing beats the feeling when she gives me a hug and tells me that she loves me. I’ve owned lots of great cars, bikes, houses and other material objects but none of them has given me a fraction of the pleasure of being with my daughter. Of course her love and respect hasn’t come for free. I’ve had to work for both over the years - but it was mainly pleasant work. Same with my wife.
Sorry for the ramble.
Danny4494 said:
Is anyone else struggling to find a purpose ?, I just feel lost like I don't know what I'm doing or going to do with life ?
I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
At 26 I was in a similar position to you. I had just left the Navy as a Weapons Engineer (not a lot of call for that as a civilian). I then moved into building maintenance for one of the big M&E/FM companies. I work as a maintainence engineer it's fairly dodgey in a horrible environment (foundry) l, I'm studying at night college my NVQ level 2 in electronics.
Money's not the best supporting my house, my girlfriend is looking after our 6 month old son, only have £40 a week for my self, I know it's a selfish thing but if I wasn't around she would be so much better off without me they both would.
Just lost and feel like a failure and I'm 26 next most of my friends have the nice houses and cars etc, I went to see a mortgage advisor last week they could only offer me £80,000 so nothing suitable for us in my budget.
And it's not for trying it's really not, been in higher education since I left school trying to better my self, at my old place of employment took every workplace training thing available, 2 failed business start ups.
I am literally thinking constantly how I can better my self, make more money, put my family in a better position im struggling to concentrate at work, college my mind's just racing constantly even when I close my eyes it's still racing, only time everything's okay with nothing to worry about is when I'm asleep.
I'm always irritable and have a really short temper with bouts of happiness but mainly down it's just up and down all the time.
Anyone else experience anything like this ?, What have you done to help ?
I did that for about 8 years, processing to site manger running small teams.
I then got into the IT side of engineering/maintenance and worked on getting qualified and building my skills. When I got skilled enough I went contacting to earn good money (typically over £400 per day), and I've been doing that for 8 years. I'm now secure enough to retire at 54.
I'm not boasting, I just want to show that a 26 year old maintenance engineer can lead onto bigger and better things.
First of all you don't seem to like where you work. Try moving to a one of the bigger service providers that manage large FM contracts. Take any training they will give you, and work any hours they need. Then look at what they need to be a supervisor or manager and work on that.
You say you're doing higher education stuff, but is that with any direction? As an example I have an IT qualification that took 3 days to get, yet gets me more work than my HNC/ONC which took 4 years.
Sounds like you are doing brilliantly to me. Take a step back and look from the outside:
- You have a job
- You are supporting a family
- You have a partner and a small child
- on top of all that you are studying.
It might take a while but some people will succeed no matter what. Your post makes me think you are one of them. You have a plan, make sure your partner knows and signs up to it too then keep doing what you are doing. I genuinely dont think you see how well you are doing.
Also - dont compare yourself to other people in real life or social media. You see what they want you to see and you have zero idea what goes on in the background. You would be amazed how many people are in unhappy relationships or are absolutely skint (its often the people who need to show off their wealth who are the poorest and living from one day to the next).
Chin up.
- You have a job
- You are supporting a family
- You have a partner and a small child
- on top of all that you are studying.
It might take a while but some people will succeed no matter what. Your post makes me think you are one of them. You have a plan, make sure your partner knows and signs up to it too then keep doing what you are doing. I genuinely dont think you see how well you are doing.
Also - dont compare yourself to other people in real life or social media. You see what they want you to see and you have zero idea what goes on in the background. You would be amazed how many people are in unhappy relationships or are absolutely skint (its often the people who need to show off their wealth who are the poorest and living from one day to the next).
Chin up.
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