How do you get through divorce?
Discussion
At the moment I’m broken. As per the other threads, everything is my fault but I don’t know how to get through this. I’m moved out of the matrimonial home into my Father’s house who died three months ago. I do not know what to do. My days are empty, I don’t want to be here anymore.
How do you get over this? I can’t see a way out.
How do you get over this? I can’t see a way out.
I live by a mantra of "God doesn't close a door without opening a window". There is nothing bad that can be worse.
There is no manual. The only thing you need to remember is that the most important thing right now is you. Your ex can do what she likes. You've lost your Dad, someone who raised you and did everything he could for you. I don't know what happened between you and the wife, but it's often said you don't know what a woman is really like until you get divorced.
Divorce, I'd imagine, is hard. But ultimately it's the sign of a paper and an exchange of money. A bit like marriage to begin with! However, I lost my Dad when I was 25 and I didn't grieve or work through it properly. It's only now, 7 years on, that I'm getting to grips with it. So believe me when I say this that the most important thing right now is you.
You can't fix the past, and the future won't be much better if you carry that past with you. Put it aside, let the lawyers do what they need to do to command the money they want. Pay it, move on. She might get the house and the money, but she doesn't have the fresh start that you have even if it means a bit of pain in the beginning.
Ring a friend, invite them over for a talk or a drink. A bit like women and divorce, you only find good friends in times of crisis like this. Take all of this as a way to take stock of your life. Who's worth the time and effort in your life, the rest can go to hell. It sounds selfish, but what good are you to other people if you haven't got a grip of your own life.
At the end of the day, you're grieving. You need to go through that process, and that's the most important thing really not the divorce. If she was worth the heartache and anguish she'd offer support to you as your Dad's passed away. It's not even a thing to do out of love, it's common courtesy. And if that isn't happening then she's not worth having her live in your head rent free.
There is no manual. The only thing you need to remember is that the most important thing right now is you. Your ex can do what she likes. You've lost your Dad, someone who raised you and did everything he could for you. I don't know what happened between you and the wife, but it's often said you don't know what a woman is really like until you get divorced.
Divorce, I'd imagine, is hard. But ultimately it's the sign of a paper and an exchange of money. A bit like marriage to begin with! However, I lost my Dad when I was 25 and I didn't grieve or work through it properly. It's only now, 7 years on, that I'm getting to grips with it. So believe me when I say this that the most important thing right now is you.
You can't fix the past, and the future won't be much better if you carry that past with you. Put it aside, let the lawyers do what they need to do to command the money they want. Pay it, move on. She might get the house and the money, but she doesn't have the fresh start that you have even if it means a bit of pain in the beginning.
Ring a friend, invite them over for a talk or a drink. A bit like women and divorce, you only find good friends in times of crisis like this. Take all of this as a way to take stock of your life. Who's worth the time and effort in your life, the rest can go to hell. It sounds selfish, but what good are you to other people if you haven't got a grip of your own life.
At the end of the day, you're grieving. You need to go through that process, and that's the most important thing really not the divorce. If she was worth the heartache and anguish she'd offer support to you as your Dad's passed away. It's not even a thing to do out of love, it's common courtesy. And if that isn't happening then she's not worth having her live in your head rent free.
Been there done that......
Keeping this brief as every divorce is different but:
Stay off the alcohol and drugs, you will be depressed, they wont help
Try and eat sensibly, you wont have much interest in food, it wont taste of much as your not interested. So try and make it healthy, help your body by giving it nutrition
Sleep when you can
Now the thing to remember is you will get through this. Life will get better it just takes time, it may take a year maybe two, but it will get better.
There will come a time when you look back and see that the divorce was a good thing that got you away from a toxic relationship.
Chin up,trust me, it does get better, you will get through this, time will heal.
Keeping this brief as every divorce is different but:
Stay off the alcohol and drugs, you will be depressed, they wont help
Try and eat sensibly, you wont have much interest in food, it wont taste of much as your not interested. So try and make it healthy, help your body by giving it nutrition
Sleep when you can
Now the thing to remember is you will get through this. Life will get better it just takes time, it may take a year maybe two, but it will get better.
There will come a time when you look back and see that the divorce was a good thing that got you away from a toxic relationship.
Chin up,trust me, it does get better, you will get through this, time will heal.
bristolracer said:
Been there done that......
Keeping this brief as every divorce is different but:
Stay off the alcohol and drugs, you will be depressed, they wont help
Try and eat sensibly, you wont have much interest in food, it wont taste of much as your not interested. So try and make it healthy, help your body by giving it nutrition
Sleep when you can
Now the thing to remember is you will get through this. Life will get better it just takes time, it may take a year maybe two, but it will get better.
There will come a time when you look back and see that the divorce was a good thing that got you away from a toxic relationship.
Chin up,trust me, it does get better, you will get through this, time will heal.
This, also: -Keeping this brief as every divorce is different but:
Stay off the alcohol and drugs, you will be depressed, they wont help
Try and eat sensibly, you wont have much interest in food, it wont taste of much as your not interested. So try and make it healthy, help your body by giving it nutrition
Sleep when you can
Now the thing to remember is you will get through this. Life will get better it just takes time, it may take a year maybe two, but it will get better.
There will come a time when you look back and see that the divorce was a good thing that got you away from a toxic relationship.
Chin up,trust me, it does get better, you will get through this, time will heal.
Don't make any big financial decisions atm, your mind isn't in the right place.
Do something other than dwell on what's happening, distract yourself.
Exercise
If the ex is reasonable then fine, if toxic avoid as much contact/communication as possible.
And one piece of advice I was given on here some five years ago when I went through similar, when the time is right buy somewhere you can call home and fill it with the things you love.
Thank you for finding strength enough to post this. That's a green shoot of recovery and self preservation. Recognise this and nurture it.
Quite a few on here have been through this and YMMV based on specifics (finances, ownership of house, dependents, etc) but one constant is when you travel through this you'll find help in unexpected places; take it. It's the universe repaying you for deciding to survive and you can mitigate accepting it by paying it forward to others later if they have the same battle. Often those who help you now are repaying when they were helped. Let them.
It's said the best revenge is living well. I'd repackage that and say the best revenge is not to use or even consider any action with the word revenge, in even the smallest way. Your repair and regrowth must have a decent and pure centre to it or it will become unbalanced. Right now if you can't find any other reason, know this: many more people than you realise would be caused far more pain than you could possibly imagine if you were no longer here. I guarantee that without even knowing you.
Finally, remember your triangle of health; eat, sleep (this one will be the most elusive possibly) and exercise. The last one can be as simple as standing outside and prompting your senses for now. There's tremendous value in it.
I genuinely wish you well and would ask for strength but you'll already have that. Focus on what's real and don't let yourself be poisoned. A stronger you with a more free, autonomous life is there for your taking.
Quite a few on here have been through this and YMMV based on specifics (finances, ownership of house, dependents, etc) but one constant is when you travel through this you'll find help in unexpected places; take it. It's the universe repaying you for deciding to survive and you can mitigate accepting it by paying it forward to others later if they have the same battle. Often those who help you now are repaying when they were helped. Let them.
It's said the best revenge is living well. I'd repackage that and say the best revenge is not to use or even consider any action with the word revenge, in even the smallest way. Your repair and regrowth must have a decent and pure centre to it or it will become unbalanced. Right now if you can't find any other reason, know this: many more people than you realise would be caused far more pain than you could possibly imagine if you were no longer here. I guarantee that without even knowing you.
Finally, remember your triangle of health; eat, sleep (this one will be the most elusive possibly) and exercise. The last one can be as simple as standing outside and prompting your senses for now. There's tremendous value in it.
I genuinely wish you well and would ask for strength but you'll already have that. Focus on what's real and don't let yourself be poisoned. A stronger you with a more free, autonomous life is there for your taking.
Edited by V1nce Fox on Saturday 27th June 12:48
I was telling someone just yesterday of a scar on my foot.
When I moved out, I was trying to keep a semblance of normality with work etc. I was ironing my workshirts on a table top ironing board on the floor of a dank bedsit. (table had all bags and a laptop etc. on.
I wondered what the f
k was I doing. My 911 was outside, I owned nearly outright a nice detached house. Holidayed and all that. Looking to jeopardise friends and relations, networks.
And there I was burning my foot on the fking iron whilst I tried to get to work.
But- I knew I was not happy and vowed to remember it as a low point that would be utterly worth it.
6 years later. My daughter is hanging out upstairs laughing, watching tv with my GF. We have a lovely house we live in and a new community. Happy.
For clarity the GF only came along 2.5 years ago.
Make a note of the mental place you are in now. It will get better. And mark every day from 'that place' as a success.
When I moved out, I was trying to keep a semblance of normality with work etc. I was ironing my workshirts on a table top ironing board on the floor of a dank bedsit. (table had all bags and a laptop etc. on.
I wondered what the f
k was I doing. My 911 was outside, I owned nearly outright a nice detached house. Holidayed and all that. Looking to jeopardise friends and relations, networks. And there I was burning my foot on the f
king iron whilst I tried to get to work.But- I knew I was not happy and vowed to remember it as a low point that would be utterly worth it.
6 years later. My daughter is hanging out upstairs laughing, watching tv with my GF. We have a lovely house we live in and a new community. Happy.
For clarity the GF only came along 2.5 years ago.
Make a note of the mental place you are in now. It will get better. And mark every day from 'that place' as a success.
Thank you for all the advice. I don’t really have any friends and it’s difficult to process all of this. I’m old (51) and can’t see this getting any better. I’m sure it will based on what you all said. What I really want is to get back to my wife and family. It doesn’t really make sense to continue without that.
Money will be okay — she wants 75% (basically everything) and I get to keep my Fathers inherited house and she wants some maintenance per month. My children are at Uni and we will support them.
Don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m just down, lonely, depressed and always found here a good place for practical advice (on my “real” username) and wanted some human contact.
Money will be okay — she wants 75% (basically everything) and I get to keep my Fathers inherited house and she wants some maintenance per month. My children are at Uni and we will support them.
Don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m just down, lonely, depressed and always found here a good place for practical advice (on my “real” username) and wanted some human contact.
I was in a similar position 17 years ago, seperated almost out of nowhere, blaming myself when it was a good 50-50 in reality and not knowing whether I could carry on. I actually got to the stage where I had the motive, a plan and the means to take my own life. Fortunately I didn't and called for help instead.
Gettign through divorce takes time. Time really is a healer, although you've got to be ready to let it do its work. I had to process everything that got me to that point, to face up to and deal with the things that were mine to own and to process those that weren't. Antidepressents from the GP helped initially, and you should see yours as soon as possible, but they are only a crutch to help you cope while the initial storm passes. Longer term it's counselling, counselling and counselling. I can say with my hand on my heart that it works. I have black days still, but they pass and I know that they will. Overall though, I've survived and 95 days out of a 100 I'm thriving.
You've got a lot going on, a phone call to the Samaritans wouldnt be a bad idea. It _really_ helped me and I am forever grateful to that voice at the other end of the phone.
Gettign through divorce takes time. Time really is a healer, although you've got to be ready to let it do its work. I had to process everything that got me to that point, to face up to and deal with the things that were mine to own and to process those that weren't. Antidepressents from the GP helped initially, and you should see yours as soon as possible, but they are only a crutch to help you cope while the initial storm passes. Longer term it's counselling, counselling and counselling. I can say with my hand on my heart that it works. I have black days still, but they pass and I know that they will. Overall though, I've survived and 95 days out of a 100 I'm thriving.
You've got a lot going on, a phone call to the Samaritans wouldnt be a bad idea. It _really_ helped me and I am forever grateful to that voice at the other end of the phone.
Thank you. My wife is a Ferrari physically and I will miss that. I do however just want to be happy.
Life is bleak, we are still talking but most of the time it is blame on me (which I deserve) and I very passively take it. Some communication is better than none and I crave for the phone to ring or that text from her.
Life is bleak, we are still talking but most of the time it is blame on me (which I deserve) and I very passively take it. Some communication is better than none and I crave for the phone to ring or that text from her.
Shadowy_me said:
Thank you. My wife is a Ferrari physically and I will miss that. I do however just want to be happy.
Life is bleak, we are still talking but most of the time it is blame on me (which I deserve) and I very passively take it. Some communication is better than none and I crave for the phone to ring or that text from her.
You mention you deserve the blame - I don’t mean to pry but would you care to share why you feel this is the case ? If it’s something you have generally done / made a mistake then is the possibility of a future with her definitely not on the cards ? Life is bleak, we are still talking but most of the time it is blame on me (which I deserve) and I very passively take it. Some communication is better than none and I crave for the phone to ring or that text from her.
OP there is a wealth of great people on here many of whom would offer a friendly ear to bend over a socially distanced can of something. What part of the country are you in?
One thing you shouldn’t allow to happen is for her to keep you dangling hoping for a reconciliation that’s just selfish and cruel. If she’s clear that it’s over accept it and start your grieving for the end of the relationship. From there you can try to start moving forward.
There WILL be a future and there will be a future partner. Start exercising and getting out regularly.
One thing you shouldn’t allow to happen is for her to keep you dangling hoping for a reconciliation that’s just selfish and cruel. If she’s clear that it’s over accept it and start your grieving for the end of the relationship. From there you can try to start moving forward.
There WILL be a future and there will be a future partner. Start exercising and getting out regularly.
My suggestions.
Relax. None of this is going to be fast. You don't need to make more big decisions right away.
Get yourself a project, something to do of an evening time. Take some time to grow into whoever you want to be.
Routine. Plan your week, including cleaning and looking after where you're living. Get up the same time every day, go to bed at the same time.
Don't panic, it's a beginning, not an end.
Relax. None of this is going to be fast. You don't need to make more big decisions right away.
Get yourself a project, something to do of an evening time. Take some time to grow into whoever you want to be.
Routine. Plan your week, including cleaning and looking after where you're living. Get up the same time every day, go to bed at the same time.
Don't panic, it's a beginning, not an end.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff