Concerned about a family member
Discussion
Hi everyone,
I am after a recommendation about where I might be able to get some professional help please. Quick overview is that a family member (not close family) is having a few issues at the moment and I am unsure of how to help them. Situation:
Single lady in her 50s, never married, never (to my knowledge) had a relationship with anyone - male or female. Doesn't like to be touched - won't even let her mother hug her. She has a variety of animals: dogs, cats, rabbits and a horse. These are very much emotional support animals, they are her life and everything revolves around them. I suspect she is mildly Autistic, but I don't know her very well.
The issue is that she is badly in debt (I believe around twenty thousand), and has no way of paying this off, or paying her rent. She does have a job that pays enough to do this, but every penny of her money goes on the animals, in particular the horse. Vet bills / food etc etc for all of them way outstrip her earnings.
The landlord is going to evict her at some point as she is nearly a year behind in rent. She seems to pay rent for the horse stables, but not for where she lives.
She clearly needs to give up the animals and start clearing her debts, but her close family are worried that if they tell her to give up the animals then she might harm herself, or at the very least, become incredibly depressed. If the landlord, who is another family member, evicts her, there is no way she can pay for somewhere else so will essentially be homeless. Her mother has been supporting her for years, bought her a car, pays for her shopping and other items, but no one is prepared to pay off her debts for her when she is just throwing money away on these animals.
My personal view is that she needs to grow up and support herself, but with the mental situation, I know its not that easy.
Does anyone know anywhere that I can get some advice as to what the family should do here please?
Thanks so much.
I am after a recommendation about where I might be able to get some professional help please. Quick overview is that a family member (not close family) is having a few issues at the moment and I am unsure of how to help them. Situation:
Single lady in her 50s, never married, never (to my knowledge) had a relationship with anyone - male or female. Doesn't like to be touched - won't even let her mother hug her. She has a variety of animals: dogs, cats, rabbits and a horse. These are very much emotional support animals, they are her life and everything revolves around them. I suspect she is mildly Autistic, but I don't know her very well.
The issue is that she is badly in debt (I believe around twenty thousand), and has no way of paying this off, or paying her rent. She does have a job that pays enough to do this, but every penny of her money goes on the animals, in particular the horse. Vet bills / food etc etc for all of them way outstrip her earnings.
The landlord is going to evict her at some point as she is nearly a year behind in rent. She seems to pay rent for the horse stables, but not for where she lives.
She clearly needs to give up the animals and start clearing her debts, but her close family are worried that if they tell her to give up the animals then she might harm herself, or at the very least, become incredibly depressed. If the landlord, who is another family member, evicts her, there is no way she can pay for somewhere else so will essentially be homeless. Her mother has been supporting her for years, bought her a car, pays for her shopping and other items, but no one is prepared to pay off her debts for her when she is just throwing money away on these animals.
My personal view is that she needs to grow up and support herself, but with the mental situation, I know its not that easy.
Does anyone know anywhere that I can get some advice as to what the family should do here please?
Thanks so much.
This sounds like a really difficult situation. If she's been supported by her mother and other family members all her life, then she's never had to stand on her own feet and manage her finances independently. After 50 years it'll be very difficult to adapt.
The dogs, cats and rabbits are one thing, but a horse? That's an expensive animal to maintain. If you're in a position to discuss the details of her finances with her, I think her best bet is to find another home nearby for the horse (perhaps an arrangement that she can still visit and see it?) and start getting disciplined about paying off her debts. It's time for her to find another paid job, for the mother to stop bailing her out constantly and to start paying rent so that she keeps a roof over her head. At least the landlord is a family member so will hopefully appreciate when she starts making an effort to pay what she owes. £20k is huge amount to owe, but she can make inroads if she has support and starts focussing on what needs to be done.
The dogs, cats and rabbits are one thing, but a horse? That's an expensive animal to maintain. If you're in a position to discuss the details of her finances with her, I think her best bet is to find another home nearby for the horse (perhaps an arrangement that she can still visit and see it?) and start getting disciplined about paying off her debts. It's time for her to find another paid job, for the mother to stop bailing her out constantly and to start paying rent so that she keeps a roof over her head. At least the landlord is a family member so will hopefully appreciate when she starts making an effort to pay what she owes. £20k is huge amount to owe, but she can make inroads if she has support and starts focussing on what needs to be done.
Bluesgirl said:
This sounds like a really difficult situation. If she's been supported by her mother and other family members all her life, then she's never had to stand on her own feet and manage her finances independently. After 50 years it'll be very difficult to adapt.
The dogs, cats and rabbits are one thing, but a horse? That's an expensive animal to maintain. If you're in a position to discuss the details of her finances with her, I think her best bet is to find another home nearby for the horse (perhaps an arrangement that she can still visit and see it?) and start getting disciplined about paying off her debts. It's time for her to find another paid job, for the mother to stop bailing her out constantly and to start paying rent so that she keeps a roof over her head. At least the landlord is a family member so will hopefully appreciate when she starts making an effort to pay what she owes. £20k is huge amount to owe, but she can make inroads if she has support and starts focussing on what needs to be done.
Thank you - this is what I was thinking but the challenge is how do we broach the subject of getting rid of the horse without destroying her as a person - that’s why I am trying to find someone who can give the family some professional advice really - I don’t have a clue how to find that and this isn’t something you can really search on google. The dogs, cats and rabbits are one thing, but a horse? That's an expensive animal to maintain. If you're in a position to discuss the details of her finances with her, I think her best bet is to find another home nearby for the horse (perhaps an arrangement that she can still visit and see it?) and start getting disciplined about paying off her debts. It's time for her to find another paid job, for the mother to stop bailing her out constantly and to start paying rent so that she keeps a roof over her head. At least the landlord is a family member so will hopefully appreciate when she starts making an effort to pay what she owes. £20k is huge amount to owe, but she can make inroads if she has support and starts focussing on what needs to be done.
It’s costing the landlord around £10k per annum in mortgage payments, and although he is understanding, his income has been cut dramatically due to Covid and he can’t afford the payments. It’s all very ugly for them.
Really appreciate you thoughts - great idea to pass the horse on to someone where she can visit it.
In terms of sorting out her finances, the Citizens Advice Bureau ( https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk ) may be a good place to start - they are well used to helping people sort out their finances and will have procedures in place to help her. She has to be prepared to do something about it though, just paying lip service to the idea isn't going to fix it.
Another possibility is the Riding for the Disabled Association https://www.rda.org.uk/rda-groups They have centres all over the country and always need volunteers to help with leading ponies, mucking out stables, all sorts. That would give her contact with horses if she can get past the issue of getting rid of her own horse.
Is there someone in the family who is close to her who can give her a fairly blunt talking to about her options?
Another possibility is the Riding for the Disabled Association https://www.rda.org.uk/rda-groups They have centres all over the country and always need volunteers to help with leading ponies, mucking out stables, all sorts. That would give her contact with horses if she can get past the issue of getting rid of her own horse.
Is there someone in the family who is close to her who can give her a fairly blunt talking to about her options?
Bluesgirl said:
In terms of sorting out her finances, the Citizens Advice Bureau ( https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk ) may be a good place to start - they are well used to helping people sort out their finances and will have procedures in place to help her. She has to be prepared to do something about it though, just paying lip service to the idea isn't going to fix it.
+1 with this. they will help her set up a budget as well as looking at what can be done about her debts, maybe pausing interest or lowering//spreading out payments etc.. they'll help her loads, but she has to be willing to it.Bluesgirl said:
In terms of sorting out her finances, the Citizens Advice Bureau ( https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk ) may be a good place to start - they are well used to helping people sort out their finances and will have procedures in place to help her. She has to be prepared to do something about it though, just paying lip service to the idea isn't going to fix it.
Another possibility is the Riding for the Disabled Association https://www.rda.org.uk/rda-groups They have centres all over the country and always need volunteers to help with leading ponies, mucking out stables, all sorts. That would give her contact with horses if she can get past the issue of getting rid of her own horse.
Is there someone in the family who is close to her who can give her a fairly blunt talking to about her options?
Thank you, those are excellent suggestions - I will look into both of those, love the one about the riding as well.Another possibility is the Riding for the Disabled Association https://www.rda.org.uk/rda-groups They have centres all over the country and always need volunteers to help with leading ponies, mucking out stables, all sorts. That would give her contact with horses if she can get past the issue of getting rid of her own horse.
Is there someone in the family who is close to her who can give her a fairly blunt talking to about her options?
For someone who can talk to her - I really can’t think of anyone, her mother tried once and she just stormed out after 5 seconds and didn’t speak to her for a month!
Bluesgirl said:
What about a close friend? Someone whose opinion she will listen to?
Out of interest, what work does she do?
I don’t know her that well, or know her friends. From what I can gather she spends her spare time with her animals. For work, something in a supermarket so has been working through lockdown.Out of interest, what work does she do?
I work with a couple of girls who rent their horses out, someone else pays for the upkeep of the horse, and pay to use and ride the horse.
This may help as she could use the rent and the money she usually spends on the horses to clear her debts, but can still keep the horse and go and see the horse.
This may help as she could use the rent and the money she usually spends on the horses to clear her debts, but can still keep the horse and go and see the horse.
Smurfsarepeopletoo said:
I work with a couple of girls who rent their horses out, someone else pays for the upkeep of the horse, and pay to use and ride the horse.
This may help as she could use the rent and the money she usually spends on the horses to clear her debts, but can still keep the horse and go and see the horse.
Thank you - great suggestion - I will suggest that This may help as she could use the rent and the money she usually spends on the horses to clear her debts, but can still keep the horse and go and see the horse.
Much appreciated
Bluesgirl said:
In terms of sorting out her finances, the Citizens Advice Bureau ( https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk ) may be a good place to start - they are well used to helping people sort out their finances and will have procedures in place to help her. She has to be prepared to do something about it though, just paying lip service to the idea isn't going to fix it.
Another possibility is the Riding for the Disabled Association https://www.rda.org.uk/rda-groups They have centres all over the country and always need volunteers to help with leading ponies, mucking out stables, all sorts. That would give her contact with horses if she can get past the issue of getting rid of her own horse.
Is there someone in the family who is close to her who can give her a fairly blunt talking to about her options?
Could she "donate" the horse to a local group like this? Still gets to see it and care for it but someone else is picking up the tab. Another possibility is the Riding for the Disabled Association https://www.rda.org.uk/rda-groups They have centres all over the country and always need volunteers to help with leading ponies, mucking out stables, all sorts. That would give her contact with horses if she can get past the issue of getting rid of her own horse.
Is there someone in the family who is close to her who can give her a fairly blunt talking to about her options?
I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. Thankfully it sort of fixed itself. Just wishing you the best, however it goes.
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