Double mastectomy....a man’s perspective/lessons?

Double mastectomy....a man’s perspective/lessons?

Author
Discussion

thewharftrader

Original Poster:

166 posts

170 months

Wednesday 24th February 2021
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So...my wife is having an elective double mastectomy in a couple of weeks (stupid cancer gene that she unfortunately has...).

I have read plenty on the internet, wife has tried to explain what is coming my way but would still like to find a couple of people to talk to from a husband/partner’s point of view of what I need to step up and do.

I will obviously be “there” for her but equally, I want to be fully prepared for what is needed / wanted from the better half in this situation. Eg. Practical tips, things to have beforehand (just learned she has to sleep upright so should I buy a special pillow?!

If anyone has been through this situation, please DM me, would love to chat to someone who has been through it and give their first hand experience.

Much appreciated in advance.

take-good-care-of-the-forest-dewey

5,071 posts

54 months

Wednesday 24th February 2021
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No advice, but must be st for her. Hope it goes well.

Pit Pony

8,265 posts

120 months

Wednesday 24th February 2021
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I don't know what lies in store, but i do know that the stress of having a marker fitted in her right breast sent my wife compleyel off the mental scale.
I was like a rabbit in the headlights.
It nearly caused me to leave and never come back.. how bad is that? I feel st that I couldn't understand what the fk was going on in her head, but i think when she's screaming I fking hate you, she actually means, I'm really scared.

CAH706

1,961 posts

163 months

Thursday 25th February 2021
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I think the fact you are thinking about this will mean a lot to your wife and shows the kind of person you are. I'm sure things will work out ok smile

My wife recently had a single mastectomy following treatment for breast cancer. She did have a reconstruction as part of the op which has a 50/50 chance of success post radiotherapy which is now required. I'm not sure of your wifes plans.

Things have been a bit of a challenge with covid eg no visits to see her in hospital etc

On logistics - she couldn't move much for a few days so having things for her to do post op helped. She couldn't lift or drive for 4 weeks so again being available to help her was appreciated. She did get a pillow which is a long thin u shaped one which helped keep her on her back....she said that helped a lot a night

Mentally it has been a challenge for her. It's clearly an important aspect (as was her hair) but very quickly with a bit of reassurance she has come to terms with things and is very positive. The various tablets through her treatment have at times made her moody and tired....I've basically just kept relentlessly positive on everything which seems to have helped

She isn't a big social media person but did join a group on Facebook and the shared experience and tips on various things (moisturiser to use etc) had result helped her.

I wish you both all the best for the weeks ahead


Benrad

650 posts

148 months

Thursday 25th February 2021
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It strikes me that supporting your wife through this will require similar skills to supporting through pregnancy/childbirth/parenting an infant together and/or through post natal depression

What I've learnt from going through that recently...

Don't try and fix everything, take time to listen to her, actively ask her how she's feeling regularly and listen carefully.

If you spend all your time coming up with practical solutions to practical problems then she'll feel you're viewing her as a problem. Listening to her is far more important than picking a special pillow for her. If she asks you to then go ahead, but I'm sure she's more than capable of doing that, or you can get one delivered next day if you suddenly find you need it.

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 26th February 2021
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Sorry about that bad news, devastating for you both.

All I can say is that when I have been with a woman who has had something traumatic happen in their life then cuddling/hugging has helped them a lot. I'm sure there will be tears but just be there, be gentle, be kind, don't argue, take any anger or frustration etc on the chin, and cuddle up a lot. Women appreciate the comfort and reassurance that can bring. She'll no doubt need a lot of reassurance about how she looks and how you feel about her.

It's good you're asking the question. There are loads of counsellors on Google for this sort of thing who you could pay for an hour or two to ask how you should behave in the coming months and what to expect.

Good luck.

Nampahc Niloc

910 posts

77 months

Saturday 27th February 2021
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Can’t talk about this situation specifically, but agree with some general points here.

- don’t try to fix everything. Listen first, make sure she knows that you feel her pain. Empathise Empathise Empathise!

- if she has a go at you for any reason, remember it’s because she’s scared/upset. Emotions aren’t logical. If she starts telling you how awful you are, suck it up (this last bit can be a lot harder said than done, especially when the person you love thinks bad of you). This will pass.

- show her you love her. Ask her how she likes love to be shown. Everyone’s different here eg. Affection, gifts, jobs doing, time together etc. Don’t assume.

- lean out, not in. I.e. this situation is going to be hard on you too. Don’t underestimate this. You can’t look after her if you don’t look after yourself, but you can’t go to her for support, so make sure you have your own support network that you can offload on. Eg. Other family, friends, maybe even a councillor.

- finally, it’s ok for you to feel whatever you’re feeling. Masculinity isn’t about feelings. It’s about carrying on in the face of it all, and that includes being brave enough to ask for help if you need it.

Finally. I repeat: LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, so you can look after her. If you can help her through this, however long it takes, she’ll love you all the more when you both come out the other end.

guillemot

321 posts

164 months

Saturday 27th February 2021
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Whilst I can’t help from a guy’s perspective (I’m female) my mum had a double mastectomy a couple of years ago due to finding two types of cancer. If there’s anything specific I can help with or try and answer about the process please feel free to ask/PM.

heisthegaffer

3,347 posts

197 months

Sunday 28th February 2021
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Sorry to hear this mate but we'll done on preparing to help. All of us on PH wish you the best of luck and if you need to vent, we are happy to listen.

Take care mate