M.I.L. had a meltdown, we are confused and worried.
Discussion
She is a widower. She is a confusing and frustrating person, you walk on eggshells when visiting her. Never sure of what to say because she twists everything around and makes you regret the effort to engage her in seemingly normal conversation.
A couple of examples of how her mind works.
My son has a car stored in her second garage, he had a day off to go and do some work on it, she thought it was wrong that he had booked a day off, worried that his boss would be annoyed that he had taken a day off, a booked and authorised holiday day.
She asked me to do something on her laptop, bought and used only to facetime her son working abroad (like I am some sort of I.T. expert LOL, I muddle through). As soon as I started she was telling me what I was doing wrong.
She asked me to take her on a dry run to a hospital, she had been before but needed a refresher on how to get there. Fair enough, no problem, happy to help. I started to turn right out from where she lives only for her to tell me I was going the wrong way. OK I will go the other way, we get to the other side of town and she says, 'oh I know where we are now, we normally come out there'. I say, yes that is the way I was going before you told me I was going the wrong way.
Etc, etc, etc.
We arranged to take her to visit my sons new house for the first time, we rang her to say we would be arriving early, when we got to hers there was a bit of tension in the air, the wife casually mentioned that we were stopping off for breakfast on the way, thinking her mother might enjoy a visit to a nice farm shop plus we were hungry. Well she started going off her head that she had had her breakfast and we were to go without her and she would visit my sons house another time and she did not want to spoil our day, on and on and on. She was like a mad woman almost frothing at the mouth. It ended up a screaming match with the wife trying to tell her we were going to the house no matter what, the breakfast stop off could wait. We left without her, we had our breakfast and visited the house anyway.
I can't emphasise how manic she was, never seen anything like it, no reasoning with her, she had lost the plot.
Is it a sign of things more worrying?
A couple of examples of how her mind works.
My son has a car stored in her second garage, he had a day off to go and do some work on it, she thought it was wrong that he had booked a day off, worried that his boss would be annoyed that he had taken a day off, a booked and authorised holiday day.
She asked me to do something on her laptop, bought and used only to facetime her son working abroad (like I am some sort of I.T. expert LOL, I muddle through). As soon as I started she was telling me what I was doing wrong.
She asked me to take her on a dry run to a hospital, she had been before but needed a refresher on how to get there. Fair enough, no problem, happy to help. I started to turn right out from where she lives only for her to tell me I was going the wrong way. OK I will go the other way, we get to the other side of town and she says, 'oh I know where we are now, we normally come out there'. I say, yes that is the way I was going before you told me I was going the wrong way.
Etc, etc, etc.
We arranged to take her to visit my sons new house for the first time, we rang her to say we would be arriving early, when we got to hers there was a bit of tension in the air, the wife casually mentioned that we were stopping off for breakfast on the way, thinking her mother might enjoy a visit to a nice farm shop plus we were hungry. Well she started going off her head that she had had her breakfast and we were to go without her and she would visit my sons house another time and she did not want to spoil our day, on and on and on. She was like a mad woman almost frothing at the mouth. It ended up a screaming match with the wife trying to tell her we were going to the house no matter what, the breakfast stop off could wait. We left without her, we had our breakfast and visited the house anyway.
I can't emphasise how manic she was, never seen anything like it, no reasoning with her, she had lost the plot.
Is it a sign of things more worrying?
Frustrating behaviour indeed but it could just be a symptom of a lonely person's narrowing world which manifests in obsessing over trifles.
The day off to workon thecar - maybe doing such a thing in "her day" would have been unheard of, hence the fretting.
Computer incident par for the course with some people, old or otherwise.
Breakfast/house visiting incident... well, I'd have been pretty cheesed off if someone had sprung that on me, I'm not keen on plans being changed with minimal notice. Her reaction is obviously OTT.
It sounds like you can't win with her so maybe careful management is the way to go. Make sure you're on the same page as your wife and don't let it become an issue between you. Keep an eye out for a further more extreme behaviour I guess?
The day off to workon thecar - maybe doing such a thing in "her day" would have been unheard of, hence the fretting.
Computer incident par for the course with some people, old or otherwise.
Breakfast/house visiting incident... well, I'd have been pretty cheesed off if someone had sprung that on me, I'm not keen on plans being changed with minimal notice. Her reaction is obviously OTT.
It sounds like you can't win with her so maybe careful management is the way to go. Make sure you're on the same page as your wife and don't let it become an issue between you. Keep an eye out for a further more extreme behaviour I guess?
My own mother is in her 80s. Sweet and intelligent but you have to be really careful about schedules, whether setting plans or, even worse, changing them.
During Covid it was next to impossible to visit her as she lives abroad.
So not to get her hopes up I made plans without telling her. Booking ferries, getting time off work, sorting where to get tested, certificates etc
We hadn't seen each other for nearly 3 years by then and on the phone she was always telling me how much she missed seeing her sons.
So everything in place, I called her to say that I could come over next week.
She had a meltdown. I had to return to my work so I called her later. She had calmed down and said she was happy for me to come over in the new year, 3 months later.
I said fine, cancelled everything and the next year I was too busy to take time out.
Does your MIL live on her own. People can get very set in their ways, especially as they get older.
I know I am
During Covid it was next to impossible to visit her as she lives abroad.
So not to get her hopes up I made plans without telling her. Booking ferries, getting time off work, sorting where to get tested, certificates etc
We hadn't seen each other for nearly 3 years by then and on the phone she was always telling me how much she missed seeing her sons.
So everything in place, I called her to say that I could come over next week.
She had a meltdown. I had to return to my work so I called her later. She had calmed down and said she was happy for me to come over in the new year, 3 months later.
I said fine, cancelled everything and the next year I was too busy to take time out.
Does your MIL live on her own. People can get very set in their ways, especially as they get older.
I know I am
Wheatsheaf said:
Frustrating behaviour indeed but it could just be a symptom of a lonely person's narrowing world which manifests in obsessing over trifles.
The day off to workon thecar - maybe doing such a thing in "her day" would have been unheard of, hence the fretting.
Computer incident par for the course with some people, old or otherwise.
Breakfast/house visiting incident... well, I'd have been pretty cheesed off if someone had sprung that on me, I'm not keen on plans being changed with minimal notice. Her reaction is obviously OTT.
It sounds like you can't win with her so maybe careful management is the way to go. Make sure you're on the same page as your wife and don't let it become an issue between you. Keep an eye out for a further more extreme behaviour I guess?
You obviously didn't read the 'we arranged' bit, it was arranged days previously.The day off to workon thecar - maybe doing such a thing in "her day" would have been unheard of, hence the fretting.
Computer incident par for the course with some people, old or otherwise.
Breakfast/house visiting incident... well, I'd have been pretty cheesed off if someone had sprung that on me, I'm not keen on plans being changed with minimal notice. Her reaction is obviously OTT.
It sounds like you can't win with her so maybe careful management is the way to go. Make sure you're on the same page as your wife and don't let it become an issue between you. Keep an eye out for a further more extreme behaviour I guess?
Does she have a good/wide circle of friends. Can you ask them if they have seen any changes in her?
Is her memory suffering or is she just being b
hy/cranky?
Is she on medication? Is she taking it?
Do you/your wife speak to her daily or irregularly, as oppose to visits in person?
How old is she? How long has she lived alone?
Is her memory suffering or is she just being b
hy/cranky?Is she on medication? Is she taking it?
Do you/your wife speak to her daily or irregularly, as oppose to visits in person?
How old is she? How long has she lived alone?
randomeddy said:
You obviously didn't read the 'we arranged' bit, it was arranged days previously.
The visit was arranged, I get that. But the breakfast en route wasn't part of the original plans (hence the m-i-l's annoyance) from what I can gather - at least that's how it read to me.randomeddy said:
Load of stuff.
You are making the mistake of talking to her too much and telling her too much.Yes, of course, she is eccentric, bordering on bonkers. Don't keep discussing stuff and telling her stuff.
Her grandson shouldn't have told about the day off work, or whatever.
Tell her the absolute minimum.
My invoice is in the post.
randomeddy said:
You obviously didn't read the 'we arranged' bit, it was arranged days previously.
randomeddy said:
We arranged to take her to visit my sons new house for the first time, we rang her to say we would be arriving early, when we got to hers there was a bit of tension in the air, the wife casually mentioned that we were stopping off for breakfast on the way, thinking her mother might enjoy a visit to a nice farm shop plus we were hungry.
Reads like the plans changed last minute.croyde said:
My own mother is in her 80s. Sweet and intelligent but you have to be really careful about schedules, whether setting plans or, even worse, changing them.
During Covid it was next to impossible to visit her as she lives abroad.
So not to get her hopes up I made plans without telling her. Booking ferries, getting time off work, sorting where to get tested, certificates etc
We hadn't seen each other for nearly 3 years by then and on the phone she was always telling me how much she missed seeing her sons.
So everything in place, I called her to say that I could come over next week.
She had a meltdown. I had to return to my work so I called her later. She had calmed down and said she was happy for me to come over in the new year, 3 months later.
I said fine, cancelled everything and the next year I was too busy to take time out.
Does your MIL live on her own. People can get very set in their ways, especially as they get older.
I know I am
She does live on her own since the sudden passing of her hubby about ten years ago but has good contact with neighbours who all look out for her. During Covid it was next to impossible to visit her as she lives abroad.
So not to get her hopes up I made plans without telling her. Booking ferries, getting time off work, sorting where to get tested, certificates etc
We hadn't seen each other for nearly 3 years by then and on the phone she was always telling me how much she missed seeing her sons.
So everything in place, I called her to say that I could come over next week.
She had a meltdown. I had to return to my work so I called her later. She had calmed down and said she was happy for me to come over in the new year, 3 months later.
I said fine, cancelled everything and the next year I was too busy to take time out.
Does your MIL live on her own. People can get very set in their ways, especially as they get older.
I know I am
She is typical of someone her age, never asks for help but complains about having to do things. The wife has her own car and we live not too far away so is always available for lifts, taking her to appointments or whatever but any offers of help are always rejected then we have to listen about her complain about how much trouble she had getting home.
She drives but is getting more and more nervous on the road and might be giving up soon hence the offers of help from us.
I try and stay out of things as I have never truly felt part of the family. It is confusing there are deeper issues there.
The Mad Monk said:
randomeddy said:
Load of stuff.
You are making the mistake of talking to her too much and telling her too much.Yes, of course, she is eccentric, bordering on bonkers. Don't keep discussing stuff and telling her stuff.
Her grandson shouldn't have told about the day off work, or whatever.
Tell her the absolute minimum.
My invoice is in the post.
I would add dont offer to do anything for the MIL - You will just do it wrong.
As far as I can tell it's built into MILs to have a set way of doing things and if you do stuff it will be wrong.
If you have touched her PC be prepared for months of it didn't do this before you touched it comments.
Bill said:
randomeddy said:
You obviously didn't read the 'we arranged' bit, it was arranged days previously.
randomeddy said:
We arranged to take her to visit my sons new house for the first time, we rang her to say we would be arriving early, when we got to hers there was a bit of tension in the air, the wife casually mentioned that we were stopping off for breakfast on the way, thinking her mother might enjoy a visit to a nice farm shop plus we were hungry.
Reads like the plans changed last minute.randomeddy said:
I get that now, I misunderstood the situation, I was thinking it would be a nice surprise taking her somewhere but didn't see that it would upset the routine. Lesson learned.
A lot of old people get increasingly cantankerous and set in their ways, and you inadvertently pressed both those buttons quite hard.PositronicRay said:
Elderly people like to complain.
i think it gives them an element of control, and something to talk about. I think what you're describing is typical of some aging people.
Pot, kettle, black.i think it gives them an element of control, and something to talk about. I think what you're describing is typical of some aging people.
I understand the average age of most on here (PHs) these days are in their 40s.
Nearly every thread these days has someone moaning about something or other!
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