I see no real purpose in living
Discussion
Lots of good advice from everyone on here OP
The Samaritans has both an online chat function on its website, and an email address (jo@samaritans.org) if you prefer written to speaking.
I have emailed them on a few occasions over the years and found it helpful and reassuring. They don't judge, they do care and they can help you get out of a spiral of negative thoughts.
The Samaritans has both an online chat function on its website, and an email address (jo@samaritans.org) if you prefer written to speaking.
I have emailed them on a few occasions over the years and found it helpful and reassuring. They don't judge, they do care and they can help you get out of a spiral of negative thoughts.
My dad died when he was 49 in 1993 and my mum in 2020
I'm third generation only child and I'm it for that side of the family.
Fortunately I'm married and have two wonderful kids 11 and 13.
Life at times is flat, I've enough money to do whatever I want and more toys than I know how to play with.
HOWEVER
What I've realised is that everything wonderful and fun to do is all still out there, I'm knackered most of the time and pissed off almost all of the rest of it.
Still, there are moments of total joy in life still to be had, in my case
A long walk in the sunshine
A beer by yourself with a paper
Taking a bus ride into town like you used to do, carefree
Whittling spoons
Playing with Lego
Getting my arse handed to me by modern video gamers
Please try and find your tiny moment of joy.
I still miss my mum and dad, it's really hard and everyone on here will genuinely wish you well.
Take up a stupid hobby and get really into it!
I'm third generation only child and I'm it for that side of the family.
Fortunately I'm married and have two wonderful kids 11 and 13.
Life at times is flat, I've enough money to do whatever I want and more toys than I know how to play with.
HOWEVER
What I've realised is that everything wonderful and fun to do is all still out there, I'm knackered most of the time and pissed off almost all of the rest of it.
Still, there are moments of total joy in life still to be had, in my case
A long walk in the sunshine
A beer by yourself with a paper
Taking a bus ride into town like you used to do, carefree
Whittling spoons
Playing with Lego
Getting my arse handed to me by modern video gamers
Please try and find your tiny moment of joy.
I still miss my mum and dad, it's really hard and everyone on here will genuinely wish you well.
Take up a stupid hobby and get really into it!
I’m no expert on these things but I lost my mum when I was young and both my grandparents who I thought the world of in quick succession. I came to realise that death is part of life, easy to say I know but I spent ages thinking about it and ultimately It’s just life. Think about the good times and don’t dwell about the bad times.
When it comes to possessions, we all accumulate stuff but does it mean much to us. Maybe a watch or jewellery but stuff is stuff and do we ever own anything. We all know we come with nowt and we leave with nowt.
Just my take on things.
When it comes to possessions, we all accumulate stuff but does it mean much to us. Maybe a watch or jewellery but stuff is stuff and do we ever own anything. We all know we come with nowt and we leave with nowt.
Just my take on things.
Hi James,
Am an RMN and have had many conversations with people about similar topics.
You write very candidly about your experience and it shows the pain you are currently in.
I have read most (not all) of the replies here and there is good advice here.
Theres only one thing I would add and thats to push yourself slightly out of your comfort zone with something. Do something you never would usually do, take a class, attend an event, try a sport/hobby/idea you have had in the back of your mind.
The idea here is to refocus the negative aspects of your thoughts by introducing a new positive experience. This will help elevate your mood and see things more clearly.
As humans we can only control our own words, actions and to a much smaller degree our thoughts. Trying to control others behaviour is a waste of your mental and physical energy you could and should be focusing on yourself. Its okay to be a bit selfish while you heal. Grief does things to people and each persons path is unique. Read about it when the time is right, escape into an activity when it isnt.
If you need permission, have it from me. Take the time you need to refocus on what you value and to heal.
Alex.
Am an RMN and have had many conversations with people about similar topics.
You write very candidly about your experience and it shows the pain you are currently in.
I have read most (not all) of the replies here and there is good advice here.
Theres only one thing I would add and thats to push yourself slightly out of your comfort zone with something. Do something you never would usually do, take a class, attend an event, try a sport/hobby/idea you have had in the back of your mind.
The idea here is to refocus the negative aspects of your thoughts by introducing a new positive experience. This will help elevate your mood and see things more clearly.
As humans we can only control our own words, actions and to a much smaller degree our thoughts. Trying to control others behaviour is a waste of your mental and physical energy you could and should be focusing on yourself. Its okay to be a bit selfish while you heal. Grief does things to people and each persons path is unique. Read about it when the time is right, escape into an activity when it isnt.
If you need permission, have it from me. Take the time you need to refocus on what you value and to heal.
Alex.
Just to echo the excellent advice given already - talk to someone.
Having had a properly s
t couple of years myself - I can’t say strongly enough how much talking to someone can help.
Doesn’t need to be a friend, colleague or family member - I found it helped most when it was someone anonymous. They don’t know you, they hold no prejudice and they’ll listen to you regardless of what you want to say.
Having had a properly s
t couple of years myself - I can’t say strongly enough how much talking to someone can help. Doesn’t need to be a friend, colleague or family member - I found it helped most when it was someone anonymous. They don’t know you, they hold no prejudice and they’ll listen to you regardless of what you want to say.
Having not expected as many replies as i have done, i feel i need to add more to give more of a background as to other reasons what's led me to this point i am at now.
I'm 38 now, but when i was much younger i could be considered a sensitive soul, i was bullied for much of my school years in which i was simply bullied for being the smart kid, this definitely reflects in my personality today, head always down, quiet when talking, avoids any sort of conflict, and as time went on my life turned out in a way that i did not expect, i was told from a very young age that i was a talented individual who could be absolutely anything i wanted, i put all my eggs into one basket in terms of the career i wanted but health conditions at the time put a complete stop to that and even if they didn't then, my health now certainly would.
I've carried this sense of failure with me for years, told myself that i am nothing, work in an average job, rent my house, come from a working class background, literally ashamed of who i am, I can compare myself to absolutely anybody and put myself down, and often think everyone is better than me.
I wasn't going to mention about my health condition but i am a type 1 diabetic, this condition is relentless and something that does not give a day off, constant monitoring of blood sugars, injections multiple times a day every day, my eyesight getting worse through the condition, it gradually chips away at you where unless you are strong willed it will eat away at you, and it has done with me, it's been days since i last took any insulin and i feel absolutely shocking for it, avoiding doctors appointments because i know i will only be scrutinised over my very poor control, but again i have no desire to want to look after myself with it, I also have a kidney disease that will eventually lead me onto dialysis, this same condition was passed down to me from my mum, this was also what killed her.
My mum and my grandparent in question were the two people who i could talk to, I'm very much an introvert but always felt at ease when talking to them, having had them taken away has placed me in a position where I now feel lost, and even more worthless than before, the last time i experienced death within the family was when i was very young and didn't understand in the same way i do as an adult now and i guess with that has brought many questions with it like already mentioned "what is the point in life" why do we bother doing anything and if we are lucky enough to live a long life for it to be all thrown away with hardly any trace of you in a few weeks, this particular feeling i have never felt before, EVER.
I would like to be able to say i could see even a small shimmer of light going forward in the future, but currently i just don't.
I'm 38 now, but when i was much younger i could be considered a sensitive soul, i was bullied for much of my school years in which i was simply bullied for being the smart kid, this definitely reflects in my personality today, head always down, quiet when talking, avoids any sort of conflict, and as time went on my life turned out in a way that i did not expect, i was told from a very young age that i was a talented individual who could be absolutely anything i wanted, i put all my eggs into one basket in terms of the career i wanted but health conditions at the time put a complete stop to that and even if they didn't then, my health now certainly would.
I've carried this sense of failure with me for years, told myself that i am nothing, work in an average job, rent my house, come from a working class background, literally ashamed of who i am, I can compare myself to absolutely anybody and put myself down, and often think everyone is better than me.
I wasn't going to mention about my health condition but i am a type 1 diabetic, this condition is relentless and something that does not give a day off, constant monitoring of blood sugars, injections multiple times a day every day, my eyesight getting worse through the condition, it gradually chips away at you where unless you are strong willed it will eat away at you, and it has done with me, it's been days since i last took any insulin and i feel absolutely shocking for it, avoiding doctors appointments because i know i will only be scrutinised over my very poor control, but again i have no desire to want to look after myself with it, I also have a kidney disease that will eventually lead me onto dialysis, this same condition was passed down to me from my mum, this was also what killed her.
My mum and my grandparent in question were the two people who i could talk to, I'm very much an introvert but always felt at ease when talking to them, having had them taken away has placed me in a position where I now feel lost, and even more worthless than before, the last time i experienced death within the family was when i was very young and didn't understand in the same way i do as an adult now and i guess with that has brought many questions with it like already mentioned "what is the point in life" why do we bother doing anything and if we are lucky enough to live a long life for it to be all thrown away with hardly any trace of you in a few weeks, this particular feeling i have never felt before, EVER.
I would like to be able to say i could see even a small shimmer of light going forward in the future, but currently i just don't.
Legacywr said:
A call(s) to The Samaritans could/can be extremely helpful, please don’t dismiss the idea…
Oh i haven't dismissed it, but probably didn't help myself when i looked at reviews for Samaritans and they were less than favourable, with a lot saying that they felt the person on the other end of the phone couldn't care less, not what you want to read when you feel the way you do.James_33 said:
I've carried this sense of failure with me for years, told myself that i am nothing, work in an average job, rent my house, come from a working class background, literally ashamed of who i am, I can compare myself to absolutely anybody and put myself down, and often think everyone is better than me.
.
Comparison being very much the thief of joy. .
Please don't compare yourself to others - at least not those engaged in the rat race of money, 'success' - whatever than means. Likewise friendships.
I have very few friends, because I'm a miserable old
.However (I think) Albert Schweitzer said, 'if you have five true friends in your entire life, you can consider yourself truly blessed'.
Which indeed I am.
None of this Facebook crap with facile connections to thousands.
Edited by Mobile Chicane on Monday 27th February 22:24
James_33 said:
Legacywr said:
A call(s) to The Samaritans could/can be extremely helpful, please don’t dismiss the idea…
Oh i haven't dismissed it, but probably didn't help myself when i looked at reviews for Samaritans and they were less than favourable, with a lot saying that they felt the person on the other end of the phone couldn't care less, not what you want to read when you feel the way you do.Ah James, sad to hear the pain you are in.
Depression alone is a horrible thing to face, having to front it with a side helping of medical issues and a mountain of grief, well, where do you even begin?
But you need to get to the doctors and sort your insulin mate as nothing good can come from compounding the grief you are facing with layers of other problems, especially where it concerns your health.
I’d also suggest sharing that first post you made with your doctor, written in a moment of clarity, heart on your sleeve, it’s as good a starting point for them to open a discussion with you as they come.
My friends mum just passed today after a long happy life and we were discussing among many other things how the people that pass would want those that are still here to be feeling if they had any control over the matter.
I’m sure while your loved ones would want to be fondly remembered by you they would also be aghast to hear of the impact they are now having on your well being. I bet you can imagine what they would be saying to you and how they would be saying it!
Regarding the possessions, my own dad left a load of stuff for us to sort and this included stuff from his own dad.
He had a real old shed of a car that we had no problem scrapping but I kept his watch as it seemed more “personal” than the car.
This despite the fact both were made from metal and neither actually defined him as a person, as a father, it’s the memories alone (not material possessions) that you need to cherish.
Difficult if you’ve been brought up to respect possessions (we never had much as we were from a very poor background) but I wouldn’t want my own kids agonising over which of my socks were my favourites (I did when my dad passed!) or expect them to curate all the stuff that everyone just seems to accumulate in life these days.
If you feel up to it, pick a few of the most treasured articles you associate with and let the rest go to work helping a charity or similar.
I’ve kept a box of stuff I occasionally go through, if I ever meet my dad again in the next world, I expect he’ll be laughing at some of the things I kept (the articles being more of a token of my memory of him more than of any particular sentimental value to him, if that makes sense!)
I think about what my kids will make of the stuff I kept when my time comes and the stories behind the trinkets I’ve kept are lost eventually to history.
If you’re not up to creating such an archive right now, just don’t rush yourself and let the only known treatment for grief (sadly there is no cure) start to chip away at the pain and do it’s thing - time.
There’s no need to chart every detail of what to do next, a lot of grieving needs to happen to it’s own drum beat and this is different for everyone ever affected by loss.
The grief process is renowned for making the line between “things” and “memories” more blurred, but ultimately the memories are what survives and time can never steal these away from you. The things are just reminders of the memories and the person ultimately, not the person themself.
Your own health will always be the first thing to suffer during grief and it’s a viscous circle, not eating properly and taking care of yourself medically will make you feel worse and this deepens the grief and the cycle accelerates.
It really is possible to die of a broken heart but would your loved ones want this to be the ultimate fate for you do you think or do you serve their memory better being as well as you can be and celebrating all the good times you shared?
Depression alone is a horrible thing to face, having to front it with a side helping of medical issues and a mountain of grief, well, where do you even begin?
But you need to get to the doctors and sort your insulin mate as nothing good can come from compounding the grief you are facing with layers of other problems, especially where it concerns your health.
I’d also suggest sharing that first post you made with your doctor, written in a moment of clarity, heart on your sleeve, it’s as good a starting point for them to open a discussion with you as they come.
My friends mum just passed today after a long happy life and we were discussing among many other things how the people that pass would want those that are still here to be feeling if they had any control over the matter.
I’m sure while your loved ones would want to be fondly remembered by you they would also be aghast to hear of the impact they are now having on your well being. I bet you can imagine what they would be saying to you and how they would be saying it!
Regarding the possessions, my own dad left a load of stuff for us to sort and this included stuff from his own dad.
He had a real old shed of a car that we had no problem scrapping but I kept his watch as it seemed more “personal” than the car.
This despite the fact both were made from metal and neither actually defined him as a person, as a father, it’s the memories alone (not material possessions) that you need to cherish.
Difficult if you’ve been brought up to respect possessions (we never had much as we were from a very poor background) but I wouldn’t want my own kids agonising over which of my socks were my favourites (I did when my dad passed!) or expect them to curate all the stuff that everyone just seems to accumulate in life these days.
If you feel up to it, pick a few of the most treasured articles you associate with and let the rest go to work helping a charity or similar.
I’ve kept a box of stuff I occasionally go through, if I ever meet my dad again in the next world, I expect he’ll be laughing at some of the things I kept (the articles being more of a token of my memory of him more than of any particular sentimental value to him, if that makes sense!)
I think about what my kids will make of the stuff I kept when my time comes and the stories behind the trinkets I’ve kept are lost eventually to history.
If you’re not up to creating such an archive right now, just don’t rush yourself and let the only known treatment for grief (sadly there is no cure) start to chip away at the pain and do it’s thing - time.
There’s no need to chart every detail of what to do next, a lot of grieving needs to happen to it’s own drum beat and this is different for everyone ever affected by loss.
The grief process is renowned for making the line between “things” and “memories” more blurred, but ultimately the memories are what survives and time can never steal these away from you. The things are just reminders of the memories and the person ultimately, not the person themself.
Your own health will always be the first thing to suffer during grief and it’s a viscous circle, not eating properly and taking care of yourself medically will make you feel worse and this deepens the grief and the cycle accelerates.
It really is possible to die of a broken heart but would your loved ones want this to be the ultimate fate for you do you think or do you serve their memory better being as well as you can be and celebrating all the good times you shared?
Edited by 996Type on Monday 27th February 23:27
It is easy to be too critical of yourself. You may think your just average, but so are most people, there's nothing wrong with that and us average people make the world go round. We can't all be astronauts or footballers or kings. Losing loved ones hurts and they are never forgotten, but time is a healer. I know it's a cliche and you may find it hard to believe right now but it's true. I would recommend counseling in the medium to long term, and speak to the Samaritans soon. Bear in mind all the people that have given them bad reviews have been in a dark place. It will probably hurt to discuss your thoughts and feelings, but it will help to stop them going round and round in your head and you may feel wretched when you put the phone down, but you will feel like you have started a change and from there things can improve.
See your doctor and tell him how you feel, and explain that you have neglected your diabetes medication because of this. He will not judge you, but he will realise how low you are right now. He will probably prescribe medication for depression, and refer you for counseling. You may have to try different types of medication, as different meds work for different people.
Most important of all, please believe me you will not always feel like this.
See your doctor and tell him how you feel, and explain that you have neglected your diabetes medication because of this. He will not judge you, but he will realise how low you are right now. He will probably prescribe medication for depression, and refer you for counseling. You may have to try different types of medication, as different meds work for different people.
Most important of all, please believe me you will not always feel like this.
OP, please just keep on keeping on.
I know how awful things can feel, but impossible though it seems, things will pass and pain will ease.
But keep on going, looking for a pocket full of happiness every day, amongst the difficulties.
I have no skills to offer, but empathy and to wish you all the very best.
I know how awful things can feel, but impossible though it seems, things will pass and pain will ease.
But keep on going, looking for a pocket full of happiness every day, amongst the difficulties.
I have no skills to offer, but empathy and to wish you all the very best.
Had a bit more time to read these posts over breakfast.
The insulin needs managing asap, poorly controlled blood sugars will do nothing positive. You know this already though. I want you to know that you are worthy to feel better mentally and physically even if you dont feel it right now.
Make this your one positive thing to do for the next 7 days. Set an alarm, monitor & measure.
You are worth something, the mere fact you are alive, born in a country that has access to insulin to maintain health is something like 1 in 400 trillion. You have already unlnowingly beaten those odds so you can do hard things.
The insulin needs managing asap, poorly controlled blood sugars will do nothing positive. You know this already though. I want you to know that you are worthy to feel better mentally and physically even if you dont feel it right now.
Make this your one positive thing to do for the next 7 days. Set an alarm, monitor & measure.
You are worth something, the mere fact you are alive, born in a country that has access to insulin to maintain health is something like 1 in 400 trillion. You have already unlnowingly beaten those odds so you can do hard things.
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