I see no real purpose in living

I see no real purpose in living

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Discussion

billflin

158 posts

267 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Brave post OP. You are not alone.

I have posted on another thread that I am struggling to process a recent health issue, the effect of which has been compounded by other factors to bring matters to a bit of a head over the dark winter months. I am looking at options of therapy etc at the moment because I need to accept a "new normal" which is not as good as my "old normal". Just getting up to that step has helped, as has a wide range of views from this forum. It is a good, safe place.

Taking each day as it comes is really good advice. That said, having medium term things to look forward to helps with perspective. I have also been very open with a small number of close friends, who are now looking out for me. In my circumstances that is better than loading more onto my amazing wife.

I am better now at spotting the signs that I'm entering a low patch and reminding myself that I have been there before and have come out the other side. I am treating them a bit like a hangover; you know that you'll be OK, you just have to ride it out.

I am also trying to banish negative thoughts. No-one - I mean absolutely no-one - thinks of anyone as negatively as an individual thinks of themselves, so you are only judging yourself.

I am at peace that one day I will no longer be around, and the last person to remember me will no longer be around, and "my" important things will probably be dispersed or chucked.

Finally, I am now actively allergic to acquiring material possessions and clutter. I have regular clear-outs of accumulated "stuff", it really helps. I know that ultimately none of it matters.


Vasco

16,475 posts

104 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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billflin said:
Brave post OP. You are not alone.

I have posted on another thread that I am struggling to process a recent health issue, the effect of which has been compounded by other factors to bring matters to a bit of a head over the dark winter months. I am looking at options of therapy etc at the moment because I need to accept a "new normal" which is not as good as my "old normal". Just getting up to that step has helped, as has a wide range of views from this forum. It is a good, safe place.

Taking each day as it comes is really good advice. That said, having medium term things to look forward to helps with perspective. I have also been very open with a small number of close friends, who are now looking out for me. In my circumstances that is better than loading more onto my amazing wife.

I am better now at spotting the signs that I'm entering a low patch and reminding myself that I have been there before and have come out the other side. I am treating them a bit like a hangover; you know that you'll be OK, you just have to ride it out.

I am also trying to banish negative thoughts. No-one - I mean absolutely no-one - thinks of anyone as negatively as an individual thinks of themselves, so you are only judging yourself.

I am at peace that one day I will no longer be around, and the last person to remember me will no longer be around, and "my" important things will probably be dispersed or chucked.

Finally, I am now actively allergic to acquiring material possessions and clutter. I have regular clear-outs of accumulated "stuff", it really helps. I know that ultimately none of it matters.
Good, sensible, post - the latest of many on this thread.
It seems to be blokes who suffer the most, often in silence (due to 'shame' or embarassment ??) and yet it's blokes who are often far more sincere and committed to their friends and mates than many of the female species tend to be.

I'm sure one key benefit nowadays is that many others better understand, and will help.
Men just need to get better at SPEAKING UP!!!

Speed Badger

2,667 posts

116 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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James_33 said:
Speed Badger said:
James I don't know where you live, but I would road trip it up to meet you for a beer or a coffee and just chat bks for a couple of hours if it would help.

To grieve deeply, is to have loved fully.
I live in South Yorkshire
Well I'm in Kent, but the offer still stands smile

ChevronB19

5,738 posts

162 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Scrump said:
James_33 said:
I've also had an email a few moments ago from pistonheads about this post and the number for samartians, my negative attitude sees ringing them as pointless as all i see in my own mind is someone sat behind a desk listening to someone else bang on about his life like the many thousands they'll have listened to in the past.
We sent the email because we are concerned for you and want you to get help.
The contacts we gave are some of the best people around and they willing to speak with you because they care and want to help.
You have made a good step in posting here, so go the next step and give them a call. Have a chat and see if it helps rather than dismissing them straight away.
Well done to the mods for doing this.

James, you’re not alone. I lost my mum nearly 2 years ago and am still finding things very difficult. The most important thing to do is talk, and you’ve started that just by posting.

Riley Blue

20,915 posts

225 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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James_33 said:
Speed Badger said:
James I don't know where you live, but I would road trip it up to meet you for a beer or a coffee and just chat bks for a couple of hours if it would help.

To grieve deeply, is to have loved fully.
I live in South Yorkshire
I'm in north Derbyshire. Drop me a line if you'd like to get together for some man chat, I'm a good listener.

JagYouAre

430 posts

169 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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James_33 said:
LosingGrip said:
OP as you said you have your own young family, can I presume that you have a partner? Have you spoken to them about how you feel?

The Samaritans are amazing. They are volunteers and do it to help people.

There is also https://giveusashout.org/ which is like the Samaritans but via text if you prefer that.

And of course speak to your GP and NHS 111.

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-serv...
Yes i do have a partner, she's aware of how i am but then struggles to know what to say sometimes, as right as i know she is when she offers advice to me she's also someone that can be a little too blunt with me which on occasion doesn't help.

I didn't know about the text services offered, maybe thats something for me to look at, I usually feel better writing things down than on the phone.
Hi James,

Has your partner lost a parent? The reason I ask is that my wife has recently lost her dad (last September) and I find myself often in the position of your partner with not knowing what to say or what to do for her, though I would dearly love to help remove the pain. The problem is I have (thankfully) not yet been in this position myself and I think it is impossible to fully empathise until you have. I also generally have a problem with empathy myself (my wife is always telling me I have none) but that is a different story; I try hard to comfort and to be there but often say or do the wrong things, I too can be quite blunt and I am a very logical person, which I know does not help when it is a very emotional situation, it's just the way I am built.

My wife has had regular counselling with someone who fully understands her situation and I think that has been hugely important to her, to have a period of time where she can just unload and not have to worry about anything. She also finds it a great help to chat to other friends who have been through similar and who understand properly. I try and help by taking some of the burden of home life off her when I can, and to listen when she needs it without trying to solve her emotional problems with logic.

I'm not sure the above helps at all but just to add a bit of perspective from your partner's side possibly.

All the best to you, and hang in there.

redrabbit29

1,276 posts

132 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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No major advice for you but just to say the following...

1) I lost my Dad in November. He became very unwell around June last year, all fairly sudden although we did think he had Parkinson's. Long story short it turned into Dementia, plus strokes, then urinary infections, then death. It was a horrendous period of time, and I stopped all my own life due to feeling just overwhelmed. I felt relief when he died if I'm honest. Although I still miss him loads, and it hits me at random times too, like as I'm about to go to sleep, or just walking, or one day it will just pop into my head.

2) Someone else said about being kind to yourself. I agree completely. Brian Cranston (from Breaking Bad) suffered depression and said he realised he was not being his own friend. Imagine your actual friend makes a mistake, you'd generally say "don't worry about it, it's not a big deal" or something. Yet he was saying to himself "You're a f**king idiot". So always be kind to yourself.

3) Celebrate victories. I don't mean winning a gold medal. I mean getting up and dressed, doing the dishes, going to the shops to get some groceries. I've had my fair share of depression and this was huge for me. I'd often tell myself (sometimes outloud) that I'd achieved a few things that day.

4) Exercise if you can. Just a walk, even if it's down to a local shop and back, it really does make a huge difference

5) Talk to your friends or those online if you prefer. Similarly, a professional - NHS talking therapies is free.

6) GP - I got a phone call after I did an online form and they prescribed me sertraline which has helped me a lot. Others also say it has helped them too.

7) Remember depression and other associated mental health issues is an illness. It really can't be said enough. It's often overlooked or treated as something else, but it's not. Imagine you had a broken leg, people would generally ask if you're ok, open doors for you, help you with a lift somewhere, allow you time off work, give you pain killers. This is pretty much the same albeit not in physical form.

8) Finally, you're not alone. Everyone has suffered and is suffering in similar ways. It's easy to think you're the only one that feels this way, or your situation is unique. Others have been through this type of thing and for me that helped as I realised others were also struggling.

Good luck and well done on posting this. Talking like this is such a productive and worthwhile thing to do.

PurpleTurtle

6,941 posts

143 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Sorry to hear of your troubles OP, it's very brave of you to confront them head on.

I won't try to offer you "my advice", but I will come at this from the angle of a 50yr old bloke who lost a lifelong friend, and a PH-er to boot, to suicide five years ago.

I still cannot process the fact he has gone, me and the (quite literally) hundreds of people who came to his funeral are left asking "why?", wishing we could have helped him.

So given that experience, and my employer's current annual charity, that we have done a lot of fundraising for is CALM - the Campaign Against Living Miserably, I feel duty bound to push you in their direction.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/guides/anxiety

Please take a look at their website, but most importanly, call them.

They are open 5pm-Midnight every day, 0800 585858. It’s free, confidential and run by trained professionals



Hoofy

76,253 posts

281 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Sorry to hear about your losses.

Yes, it's tough having to deal with the house as well as just life in general.

A lot of good advice has already been given.

My extra piece (dunno if it's already been said but I only scanned the replies) - try to give yourself time for fun so that it's not constant negative stuff that you're having to deal with.

James_33

Original Poster:

545 posts

65 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Guys i am overwhelmed by the support people on here have given me and advice, whether that's sharing your own stories, support numbers etc, I know someone asked about whether my partner has ever lost a parent, to be fair to her and i sometimes think this is where she possibly finds it a little hard to talk to me is that her mother literally dropped dead when she was around 8 years old from a brain aneurysm, and her dad committed suicide around 5 years ago, I could never really understand her pain on anniversaries as i had never been through it myself, I naively use to think her mum died heading up for 25 years ago now and should she experience pain the way she does on certain days, but then the same happened to me and it hit me badly when my own mother passed.

I very much think mental health is often overlooked by a lot of people because it can't be seen necessarily, and men are seemingly told to kind of "get on with it" or seen as weak for saying anything, I am my own worst enemy, my mind telling me through the anxiety that something bad could happen today so it has me analysing everything, that happens from the moment i wake up, the depression is always lingering around sometimes it's at the back of my mind then other times right at the front.

I use to have a huge passion for cars, even though you wouldn't necessarily think so with my current car, but life and family and having to compromise on things where money wasn't as free to spend on motoring like it use to be, made that passion die slowly, I also use to be one for loving detailing the car on a weekend and couldn't see why anyone would love taking it to the £5 wash and scratch, now i am that very person who does the same, i suspect that's also probably down to mental health why i have lost passion for it all.

I am slowly trying to come around to the thought of ringing someone, I guess it's 1 thing talking about it on a forum and another again where things go down on record.

PurpleTurtle

6,941 posts

143 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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James_33 said:
I am slowly trying to come around to the thought of ringing someone, I guess it's 1 thing talking about it on a forum and another again where things go down on record.
If you talk to your GP they will obviously make notes, but if you call someone like Calm then this is done anonymously, and will help you bridge that gap by actual talking to someone with experience in the field, as opposed to virtually talking to us, some well meaning bods on PH.

I think if you can overcome your (quite understandable) reluctance to pick up the phone and make that first call you'll feel a great sense of relief once done. Nobody has to 'find out' or put anything on record. Good luck.

996Type

685 posts

151 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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One of the many issues with depression is the theft it wrought’s on your life.

It takes all passion for hobbies, life and loved ones away and looks to steal from you all the very reasons for living.

You become your own worst enemy and despite knowing that the only “cure” is to fight it head on, it even tries to take the energy and motivation to manage that.

Worst of all it robs you of precious time.

But you must fight it and you must treat it as a war and make the small gains you can while accepting the losses.

Work out it’s MO, create a plan to manage it as best you can (your plan will need to adapt as the depression adapts) and don’t let the bd win!

Externalising the depression and separating it from “you” may work, visualising it as some pathetic creature that just takes from you giving nothing in return.

First things first, get your insulin on track in readiness!




Roderick Spode

3,045 posts

48 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Brave post OP, kudos to you for posting it. Often men struggle to open up and expose their feelings to outside scrutiny. A great forum for sharing & offloading is Andy's Man Club - groups of guys who genuinely care, from all backgrounds & walks of life, a wealth of knowledge and experience in dealing with situations, feelings & emotions. You won't be the first chap to have had these feelings, and that sense of inclusiveness, understanding & not being alone are at the heart of Andy's Man Club.

I see you're in South Yorkshire - there are groups in Barnsley, Wath-Upon-Dearne, Rotherham, Sheffield, Doncaster, Hemsworth, Pontefract & Wakefield. Getting yourself along to one is a great step in the right direction, they will help you process feelings & give you a sense of understanding & acceptance at the very least. The group I go to has a social side outwith the formal Monday evening meetings, with mens breakfasts, pool evenings, walks, etc. It's been a really good experience for me and I wholeheartedly recommend it.

https://andysmanclub.co.uk/

MrBig

2,638 posts

128 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Hi James, well done for posting here. The very fact you did, shows that you do have the drive to tackle this, even if you don't realise it.

I lost my Dad 18 years ago, and while I do still have some moments of sadness, I can promise you, it does get easier. Someone said to me at the time that the first year is the worst, and boy were they right. It's not until some time later you begin to realise that it has got easier and you have got through it, even if you have no recollection of how (certainly that applies in my case).

I basically don't remember anything of that first year or so, I was just numb. It was incredibly hard to feel anything. But it does come back with time.

Please try and talk to someone, I'm more than happy to PM you my number if you want to chat/text/whatsapp.

I was able to self-refer via my GP for a digital mental health service called Silvercloud, which helped me enormously. Certainly worth a call to your GP.

Don't think it's pointless talking to the Samaritans, I reached a point following losing my job, covid lockdown and a big bust up with my wife and several friends, where I ended up talking to them. They are amazing, if you feel you need to talk to someone then do not hesitate to do so.

Last thing, I always find this time of year hard, it's cold, dark and basically winter has gone on for too fking long now. If you are able to, try and plan some trips or activities for the year. I find that it really helps having something to look forward to, and just the planning stage is often a welcome and fun distraction.

Fozziebear

1,840 posts

139 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Sorry for the loss, I totally feel you pain, My father passed away on 13/01/23 at 0200hrs, I sat with him for 3 days watching him slowly fade, At no point did he moan or say why me? I waited in his room for the doctor to pronounce him dead, 3hrs after he'd gone, I found myself chatting away to him, I then waited till 0830 for the porters to take him to the morgue, 2 young guys who were the most professional team id ever met, really put me at ease. The hardest times for me are the voids I used to fill with visits and phone calls, I've had offers from others, but it's not him. Family seem to be treading lightly or avoiding me, Most days I try to fill with work and gym, when I'm home my wife and dog keep me level, its the fuzzy head moments, the blank mind, nights awake that are grinding at me. Ive been on the dark side of thoughts, been there a few times before, but im not ready to just give up, too much to live for.

dundarach

4,963 posts

227 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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James

If you ever fancy an afternoon on the beers, I'm in Hull, can be persuaded to come to Doncaster very easily smile

Take care mate, keep reaching out.

Chris

fizzwheel

172 posts

125 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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James_33 said:
I'm 38 now, but when i was much younger i could be considered a sensitive soul, i was bullied for much of my school years in which i was simply bullied for being the smart kid, this definitely reflects in my personality today, head always down, quiet when talking, avoids any sort of conflict, .
This resonates with me as I was very much the same when I was growing up, especially the bullying at school.

I've had my battles with anxiety and depression, but I'm also firmly of the opinion that there is nothing in life that cant be fixed by talking about it, the first step is the hardest but I do really believe that help is out there and that you're not a failure.

I'm a Mental Health First Responder at my company, the advice you've been giving about getting / taking help I would echo and trust me whilst you think you might be just banging on about things, the Samaritans etc wont think like they when you feel strong enough to phone them, neither will the Dr when you feel strong enough to talk to them.

The best thing I ever did when I was at rock bottom and was considering seriously that the world would be a better place if I wasn't in it, was to go the Dr and ask for help and I wish I had done it sooner than I did. It was the CBT talking therapy that helped me most, and realising that I wasn't as useless as I thought I was or that I had been told I was.

Change wont come over night, you wont suddenly feel better but every day will get a little easier and you'll find yourself over time with the right help having more good days than bad.


Siko

1,976 posts

241 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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Hi James,

I concur with the others on here - a brave post and well done for writing it. Talking about it is halfway to dealing with it. I had cancer in 2022 and got the all clear last week - I promise you life is there for the living, please take the bull by the horns and get some professional counselling/help, or just chew the fat with us gimps in here.

Suicide is a very emotive subject of course and having had 2 friends/colleagues who did it a few years back, to see what was left behind for their kids/families is just devastating. Everybody goes through rough times and plummets the depths, but there is help there smile

MrOvershoot

24 posts

36 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
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James_33 said:
I live in South Yorkshire
Right James, sadly I have a lot of experience of bereavement, parents /step parents & wife but unless your South East Yorkshire? only an hour from me and I have plenty of free time to come and talk to you from Friday onwards just say the word and I can talk you through some things that will help you understand and make things seem better. its not easy but your young and have people that love you very much around you.

James_33

Original Poster:

545 posts

65 months

Tuesday 28th February 2023
quotequote all
Good evening everyone.

I wanted to give everyone a small update, I have lost count the amount of times i have read and re-read everyone's replies to me today, the day started off similar to how it normally does, low mood, in my own little world, dropped my daughter off at school and then sat there in the car reflecting on all the advice, stories, offers of meeting up with me to simply talk, and a small part of my messed up head clicked for a moment and made me think, look at all of these replies advising me what to do, they can't all be wrong can they?

I have gone and convinced myself that as of tomorrow morning i will be making that hard phone call to the doctor's to finally get help, I am under no illusions that any help will be offered quickly to me, I know it won't, but i have got to make that step forward because whilst i am so appreciative of people taking time out of their day/night to reply to me i know that it's ultimately down to me to push myself to make that move.

I dare say that i don't know where i would have been if i had not posted this topic, I am not in a suicidal position but if i had not posted something then i don't know where i would be further down the line, please don't take lightly how thankful i am for all your comments, i will be sharing with you all tomorrow a confirmed appointment for when i hopefully get to see a doctor, I'll be honest and say i have still not taken my insulin, but tomorrow is the 1st of march, and maybe i can put those two together and treat tomorrow as the 1st day of a new start where i make that phone call and start taking my insulin again.