Fulltiming in a motorhome - a blog
Discussion
nagsheadwarrior said:
Hi to Spuffington btw, not been around for a couple of years. If ever you're down Devon pop in for a brew at Highbridge Devon. Great blog
Shucks - this thread is no longer a blog by Spuffington... It's a takeover about the different unfathomable heating controls in caravan and motor-homes... 
So, it’s Christmas Eve and I’m sitting alone in the van. Not something which usually bothers me, but the thing you can bank on with the van is that it amplifies the lonely moments. Sometimes that’s a good thing, other times it’s bad........very bad. Tonight is exactly one of those times. It’s also a massive contradiction since the van is giving me refuge from the former family home - the place where I have no place anymore. The financial noose around my neck and the site of a broken family and relationship. I never want to spend time there anymore, least of all Christmas Day, which is the spectre looming large in my mind.
I’ve just put my daughter to bed in the house. Her full of excitement for Santa coming and me doing everything I can to muster and mirror the same excitement - it’s exhausting. Not because she’s so energetic, but because all I can think of is how I can get out of the house as quickly as I can. And then once back in the van, all my own sadness comes back; hitting me in the chest like a speeding lorry. Why sadness? Well the sadness at having to pretend to be happy for the sake of my daughter. The sadness at this being the last Christmas for her in the place she currently calls home. The sadness of me wanting to disappear off the face of the planet for the next 24hr rather than having to deal with the anger of spending the day sitting in the same room as her Mother and trying to bear eachother’s company in a civilised way for the little’un. The fact I’m 38 and the only thing I have to my name is this 8.8m x 2.4m space. I know I’m lucky in the grand scheme of things, but this evening I’m fed up of being strong, smiling and trying to make everything ok.
The irony of all of this is, that away from this situation, I am happy. Happier than I’ve been for years. I’ve got the glimpse of a bright future ahead of me which is so close that I could even touch it with my finger tips, yet on a night like tonight, feels so far away that I scarcely believe it is ever attainable.
This time last year, I was walking on the last few remaining eggshells of what was my marriage. Last Christmas was horrible. The ever present threat of my ex blowing up and going off the handle, and me trying to keep everything on an even keel. Knowing that she effectively wanted to end it, but being kept in suspense as to when it would happen. Fast forward a year and I’m relieved that she finished it. It’s worth all the money it’s going to cost me. But I’d still rather be anywhere but here right now. I’d almost rather sleep in my car than in a van which is normally so homely.
I need all the strength I can muster to pull through the next 24hrs. This is more the reality of a broken home than the reality of fulltiming.
I’ve just put my daughter to bed in the house. Her full of excitement for Santa coming and me doing everything I can to muster and mirror the same excitement - it’s exhausting. Not because she’s so energetic, but because all I can think of is how I can get out of the house as quickly as I can. And then once back in the van, all my own sadness comes back; hitting me in the chest like a speeding lorry. Why sadness? Well the sadness at having to pretend to be happy for the sake of my daughter. The sadness at this being the last Christmas for her in the place she currently calls home. The sadness of me wanting to disappear off the face of the planet for the next 24hr rather than having to deal with the anger of spending the day sitting in the same room as her Mother and trying to bear eachother’s company in a civilised way for the little’un. The fact I’m 38 and the only thing I have to my name is this 8.8m x 2.4m space. I know I’m lucky in the grand scheme of things, but this evening I’m fed up of being strong, smiling and trying to make everything ok.
The irony of all of this is, that away from this situation, I am happy. Happier than I’ve been for years. I’ve got the glimpse of a bright future ahead of me which is so close that I could even touch it with my finger tips, yet on a night like tonight, feels so far away that I scarcely believe it is ever attainable.
This time last year, I was walking on the last few remaining eggshells of what was my marriage. Last Christmas was horrible. The ever present threat of my ex blowing up and going off the handle, and me trying to keep everything on an even keel. Knowing that she effectively wanted to end it, but being kept in suspense as to when it would happen. Fast forward a year and I’m relieved that she finished it. It’s worth all the money it’s going to cost me. But I’d still rather be anywhere but here right now. I’d almost rather sleep in my car than in a van which is normally so homely.
I need all the strength I can muster to pull through the next 24hrs. This is more the reality of a broken home than the reality of fulltiming.
Spuff, I went through a s
tty divorce 11 years ago and some of what you say resonates with me: my ex drank too much and it was just a case of waiting for the inevitable explosion to happen...which it did most nights. She was obviously deeply unhappy as was I. Fortunately we didn't have any kids getting tangled up in it.
I was fortunate to meet a very special lady pretty soon afterwards and life got back on track. It will happen to you mate I'm sure as you seem like a really decent bloke.
Crap time of year for you I agree but there will be loads of other , better ones.
Chins up mate
tty divorce 11 years ago and some of what you say resonates with me: my ex drank too much and it was just a case of waiting for the inevitable explosion to happen...which it did most nights. She was obviously deeply unhappy as was I. Fortunately we didn't have any kids getting tangled up in it.I was fortunate to meet a very special lady pretty soon afterwards and life got back on track. It will happen to you mate I'm sure as you seem like a really decent bloke.
Crap time of year for you I agree but there will be loads of other , better ones.
Chins up mate
Hey Duncan
You’ll be glad the day is behind you, look forward to next year, it’s only a week away, clear your conscious, you have done very well to pull through and put behind you a year of 5hit!
What you’ve achieved is commendable as any man that’s went through similar will attest!
Be thankful for all you’ve been through, you still have a daughter that looks up to and loves you very much!
Wishing you all the best for 2018!
You’ll be glad the day is behind you, look forward to next year, it’s only a week away, clear your conscious, you have done very well to pull through and put behind you a year of 5hit!
What you’ve achieved is commendable as any man that’s went through similar will attest!
Be thankful for all you’ve been through, you still have a daughter that looks up to and loves you very much!
Wishing you all the best for 2018!
Hey Duncan
You’ll be glad the day is behind you, look forward to next year, it’s only a week away, clear your conscious, you have done very well to pull through and put behind you a year of 5hit!
What you’ve achieved is commendable as any man that’s went through similar will attest!
Be thankful for all you’ve been through, you still have a daughter that looks up to and loves you very much!
Wishing you all the best for 2018!
You’ll be glad the day is behind you, look forward to next year, it’s only a week away, clear your conscious, you have done very well to pull through and put behind you a year of 5hit!
What you’ve achieved is commendable as any man that’s went through similar will attest!
Be thankful for all you’ve been through, you still have a daughter that looks up to and loves you very much!
Wishing you all the best for 2018!
Morning fellas.
Thank you so much for all your kind words and best wishes. Christmas Day was indeed the challenging day I had expected, although I will concede somewhat less difficult than I had built up in my mind (which I guess is obvious now with the benefit of hindsight). For the large part, we kept ourselves away from eachother and that worked well. Lunch was more difficult with the necessity to make conversation and there were a couple of moments which could've led to an argument but it was kept low-key. Little'un had a fab time but I think to keep it being fab in future, it will be necessary to alternate Christmas Day with each of us as I think in future she'll pick up on an atmosphere. We are ok spending an hour or two in eachothers company, but a full day was tough. I ended up booking on and doing a shift with the Community First Responder group by mid-afternoon, which gave me a great excuse to leave the house. Got sent to a couple of shouts but still got back to say goodnight to little'un.
Once that freedom had been established and once 8pm came around, I retired to the van and felt as light as a feather. All my worries gone and the day I had been bigging up in my head was over. I booked off duty at 9pm, revelled in my own space and had a few beers to celebrate.
I'm at work today and tomorrow, then off to Ireland for New Year. Very much looking forward to that. 2018 will be a fabulous year and I'll be going into it from a completely different space than where I was this time last year. The future is very bright indeed.
Thank you so much for all your kind words and best wishes. Christmas Day was indeed the challenging day I had expected, although I will concede somewhat less difficult than I had built up in my mind (which I guess is obvious now with the benefit of hindsight). For the large part, we kept ourselves away from eachother and that worked well. Lunch was more difficult with the necessity to make conversation and there were a couple of moments which could've led to an argument but it was kept low-key. Little'un had a fab time but I think to keep it being fab in future, it will be necessary to alternate Christmas Day with each of us as I think in future she'll pick up on an atmosphere. We are ok spending an hour or two in eachothers company, but a full day was tough. I ended up booking on and doing a shift with the Community First Responder group by mid-afternoon, which gave me a great excuse to leave the house. Got sent to a couple of shouts but still got back to say goodnight to little'un.
Once that freedom had been established and once 8pm came around, I retired to the van and felt as light as a feather. All my worries gone and the day I had been bigging up in my head was over. I booked off duty at 9pm, revelled in my own space and had a few beers to celebrate.
I'm at work today and tomorrow, then off to Ireland for New Year. Very much looking forward to that. 2018 will be a fabulous year and I'll be going into it from a completely different space than where I was this time last year. The future is very bright indeed.
Gassing Station | Tents, Caravans & Motorhomes | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff