What has your "friend" been up to?

What has your "friend" been up to?

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Discussion

BrundanBianchi

1,106 posts

44 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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Justin Case said:
My friend flashed his headlights at a Toyota CHR which pulled out right in front of him this morning. He soon became unirritated though when he realised it is impossible to see out of the hateful things and said driver actually thanked my friend for his courtesy.



Edited by Justin Case on Friday 23 October 14:50
Isn’t flashing the headlights a ‘dogger’s’ thing?

citizensm1th

8,371 posts

136 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
quotequote all
BrundanBianchi said:
Justin Case said:
My friend flashed his headlights at a Toyota CHR which pulled out right in front of him this morning. He soon became unirritated though when he realised it is impossible to see out of the hateful things and said driver actually thanked my friend for his courtesy.



Edited by Justin Case on Friday 23 October 14:50
Isn’t flashing the headlights a ‘doggers’ thing?
Talking of that kind of thing my friend drove through ashdown forest today and the car parks were very full for a moist morning

notslopes

50 posts

41 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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bigyorkshire said:
Tyre Smoke said:
A friend of mine (genuinely) had a white XR3i convertible with white interior (you can see where this is going, can't you? laugh) and was enthusiastically engaging in Ugandan negotiations with his latest pull. Apparently things were taking while, mostly because of a couple of shandies and an over lubrication issue. It being dark, my friend didn't think to investigate said issue until he decided to err, shall we say, explore with his taste buds. An odd taste apparently, interior light, white leather more red and pink, and the headlining, and the dash, carpets, mats...

My friend being somewhat car proud back in the day (no accounting for taste in cars though) opened the door and promptly emptied his stomach. Followed by a very awkward drive back home. He said the clean up the following day was difficult to stomach. He kept having flashbacks apparently which made him heave, which gave him flashbacks, which...you get the idea.
My friend needs to stop laughing so hard. SWMBO is starting to enquire as to what’s so funny... biggrin
My friend said he thinks he pulled a muscle laughing at this hehe

Another one of my friends was wooing a fair maiden one day and she was being somewhat cheeky as they were walking across a field, so my friend said if she carried on, he was going to remove her trousers and under garments and apply punishment to her posterior.
Said fair maiden replied with, if you can catch me, you can have me!
It was on!
Said maiden set off at a run and my friend eagerly followed and wondered why said maiden jinked left, then right before carrying on.
Ah thinks said friend, if i go straight on, i can close the gap.
He comepletely missed the 4 feet deep trench that the maiden knew was there, ran straight into, hyper extended his knee and gave what he described as a blood curdling Banshee scream, projectile vomited everywhere and all but passed out!

He said it wasn't the fact he could barely walk for 3 months that hurt the most, it was the fact said fair maiden actually wet herself laughing at him and when she did manage to calm down abit, in between the giggles and hiccups, told him that if he HAD caught her, she was going to let him do whatever he wanted to her.

My friend said that was the bit that hurt and still does to this day.

notslopes

50 posts

41 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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Another friend of mine was having a play wrestle with his then girlfriend over the duvet on their bed, said girlfriend was holding the duvet tight whilst my friend was pulling on it with all his might, his hand curled into a fist.
Said girlfriend then suddenly let go and my friend punched himself hard in the face. My friend might have called his girlfriend a very uncharitable name for that one.

BrundanBianchi

1,106 posts

44 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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notslopes said:
Another friend of mine was having a play wrestle struggle cuddle with his then girlfriend over the duvet on their bed, said girlfriend was holding the duvet tight whilst my friend was pulling on it with all his might, his hand curled into a fist.
Said girlfriend then suddenly let go and my friend punched himself hard in the face. My friend might have called his girlfriend a very uncharitable name for that one.
IFTFY / He got was was coming.

anonymous-user

Original Poster:

53 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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Bill said:
Just to divert our friends from their salacious track...

My friend has just found he's out of ice.

FHL.
My friend acknowledges and thanks your friend for his efforts in attempting to divert the thread.

There is a bit of a drought in Uganda at the moment for my friend, which he believes and indeed hopes is down to the implant his wife got when she birthed his first spawn. He is hoping that on its removal (the implant, not the small human), Toto will come along and bless the rains down in Africa.

notslopes

50 posts

41 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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Another of my friends was very proud of his Suzuki AP50 and one day was pootling along in a 30mph zone when some wally in a van started tailgating him and pushing him to go faster. Because my friend was somewhat naive, he started to go faster, which meant the van following him, sped up etc etc until my friend decided to take this left turn and decided to lose the van, he would take the corner without slowing down.
Cue my friend finding himself sitting in the middle of the road wondering what just happened and the guy from the van swerving round him before 'ggering off from the scene.

My friend was a bit unhappy about that one.

Bill

52,472 posts

254 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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JDB96 said:
My friend acknowledges and thanks your friend for his efforts in attempting to divert the thread.
One can but try... smile


My friend has only had one significant off of his bike. He was planning a dramatic and showy departure from some friends' house and gave it some beans before dropping the clutch. Unfortunately he'd left the disclock on and travelled about a metre before coming to an abrupt halt.

He rode home but despite a double dose of ibuprofen and some booze needed to take himself to A&E where they found he'd broken his wrist.

The worst thing was, he was due to take his girlfriend away the next day for a weekend to make up for missing out on a holiday as he'd needed surgery to fix an ankle ligament. The plaster for that had come off 10 days prior.

(On a positive note his mk1 MR2 was borked and the garage had loaned him an automatic so he could still drive.)

Bobberoo99

38,362 posts

97 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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In his younger days my friend had use of his dads Volvo 245 estate from time to time, he says that with the rear seats folded flat the rear of it was about the size of a double bed, funnily enough there were always a couple of blankets in the boot, he's very, VERY, grateful that his father never used them as my friend is fairly certain that it would have been rather difficult explaining the stains on them!!!

nonsequitur

20,083 posts

115 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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BrundanBianchi said:
Isn’t flashing the headlights a ‘dogger’s’ thing?
Yes, as a kind of pointer.

BigMon

4,155 posts

128 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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A friend of my friends has the nickname 'Johnny Eightskin' after he split his foreskin in two during vigorous Ugandan negotiations with a previous paramour.

He is a carpenter and foolishly told the story on a building site, hence the nickname being born, and it is a nickname that has now followed him around for years.

He said it was particularly tricky when he started seeing his now wife and acquaintances in the small seaside resort in which he lives kept bellowing 'Now then Eightskin' or similar at him as a greeting, which necessitated a difficult explanation.

RammyMP

6,729 posts

152 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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bigyorkshire said:
My friends on/off girlfriend (back in his yoof) went to get in his car, and queried the milky coloured stain on the passenger seat.

"bought a pint of milk yesterday and the foil cap was leaking" - got him out of it.

Reality being he had offered to pick a female friend up from a bar, rather than her catch the last bus home. She replied to the text 'you better bring a condom with you' bounce
A friend of a friend had a Sierra GLS when my friend was a student over 20 years ago. His car used to regularly have dubious stains on his back seats. Unbelievable!

notslopes

50 posts

41 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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A friend of a friend reports that trying to have Ugandan negotiations on the bonnet of a Mk3 Cortina is not easy

Tyre Smoke

23,018 posts

260 months

Friday 23rd October 2020
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My same friend with the XR3i also had an unfortunate experience on a first date. I have to confess I used to love this story and he told it so much better than me. Many's the time I laughed until it hurt.

Anyway my friend was fortunate enough to obtain a couple of tickets for some concert at the Coulsdon Hall in Bristol. Not his thing, he was big into Gary Numan at the time (no accounting for taste, but might have explained his white XR3i) but this girl he was after was big into whoever was performing. It was a fairly staid affair, rows of seats rather than a mosh pit. My friend arranges to meet the girl in a pub near the hall and being a nervous type ( rolleyes) gets the bus to the pub mid afternoon and therefore hours early. A couple of shandies later and in walks the girl. Christ! Quick, get the Cober Sloak, no, Sober Cloak on. She'll never notice. And believe it or not he managed to pull it off.
So off they head to the Coulsdon Hall. Fresh air not a great idea, never mind Cober Sloak is working. They arrive a bit late and their seats are a few in from the edge. No matter, it's a couple of old dears here for the Spanish guitar recital. Excuses made and seats taken. About 20 minutes in, my friend is feeling a bit warm, hunched up next to Doris and Elsie on one side and potential target on the other. Tough it out, they'll stop for an interval in a bit. So he thinks he will just close his eyes for a moment...

And gets woken moments (15 minutes) later by a sharp dig in the ribs from Doris because he's snoring rather loudly. Couple this rude awakening with the extreme warmth and the shandies, and my friend is feeling very, very queasy. Discretion being the better part of valour he abruptly stands and starts to urgently push past Doris and Elsie. If it hadn't been for the hand bag, he reckoned he would have made it. But he caught a toe in the strap and stumbled, halting forward urgent movement and coinciding perfectly with the re-emergence of the shandy. Right into Elsie's lap.

My friend managed to escape the row, didn't look back and walked straight out of the hall. He never saw his potential target again, or Elsie for that matter.

anonymous-user

Original Poster:

53 months

Saturday 24th October 2020
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Breadvan72 said:
I hope that a theme for today can be sex injuries. ...
I immediately regretted this decision.

anonymous-user

Original Poster:

53 months

Saturday 24th October 2020
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My friend (1) never locks his old cars, and (2) always has tools in his old cars.

Last night, my friend (1) locked one of his old cars, and (2) looked in the boot to find that he had left the toolkit at home.

He rang the RAC at 0510, but, as is invariably the way nowadays, the RAC are sending him texts every thirty minutes saying that a patrol will arrive in forty five minutes. This will probably go on for at least eight hours or so. No kidding: that is what the RAC is like nowadays. My friend is going to try to borrow some tools.

notslopes

50 posts

41 months

Saturday 24th October 2020
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Breadvan72 said:
My friend (1) never locks his old cars, and (2) always has tools in his old cars.

Last night, my friend (1) locked one of his old cars, and (2) looked in the boot to find that he had left the toolkit at home.

He rang the RAC at 0510, but, as is invariably the way nowadays, the RAC are sending him texts every thirty minutes saying that a patrol will arrive in forty five minutes. This will probably go on for at least eight hours or so. No kidding: that is what the RAC is like nowadays. My friend is going to try to borrow some tools.
My friend looked at adding his caravan to the RAC service he pays for, only to find he HAS to join a particular club to be able to do that and then its even more money.
My friend has decided that come renewal time, he is off to Green Flag and the RAC can do one.

anonymous-user

Original Poster:

53 months

Saturday 24th October 2020
quotequote all
The RAC can GTF. I mean the breakdown service, not the Club. My friend drinks cocktails at the latter and has had some escapades there involving lost ear rings and phone calls by housekeeping to the wrong person, and so forth.

Witold the hotel handyman at The Compleat* Angler in Marlow has just sorted the problem.


* Spelled thus, Isaak Walton fans.

Tyre Smoke

23,018 posts

260 months

Saturday 24th October 2020
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My friend is somewhat confused. Why does locking an old car involve the RAC?

anonymous-user

Original Poster:

53 months

Saturday 24th October 2020
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The 58 year old lock on the driver's door jammed. It is still jammed, but the passenger doors have been opened.