Make up your own special editions
Discussion
From an idle e-mail conversation with chums. I shall start:
Audi A6 “Company Director” special edition
Sexual Harassment Grey, with Nappa leather interior in Expensefiddle Black. Standard satnav pre-loaded with locations of secluded carparks and cheap roadside hotels. 3 year servicing, road tax and forensic interior cleaning package.
Audi A6 “Company Director” special edition
Sexual Harassment Grey, with Nappa leather interior in Expensefiddle Black. Standard satnav pre-loaded with locations of secluded carparks and cheap roadside hotels. 3 year servicing, road tax and forensic interior cleaning package.
Vauxhall Corsa "Chav"
Available only in pre-distressed "oxide red", special "scuffed wheel trim with untrimmed tie wrap" alloy wheels, with optional front left "steel wheel" alloy wheel. Bumpers come in "sun-bleach grey", and interior is "aged grey" with chocolate/fag ash/Dr.Pepper highlights. Special order pink furry steering wheel.
ETA: forgot the steering wheel!
Available only in pre-distressed "oxide red", special "scuffed wheel trim with untrimmed tie wrap" alloy wheels, with optional front left "steel wheel" alloy wheel. Bumpers come in "sun-bleach grey", and interior is "aged grey" with chocolate/fag ash/Dr.Pepper highlights. Special order pink furry steering wheel.
ETA: forgot the steering wheel!
Edited by NiceCupOfTea on Thursday 2nd February 13:02
BMW 3 series "try hard"
Cloth trim, steel wheels, bottom spec, 1.1 litre engine, extra BMW badges everywhere - also when you switch the ignition on it brings up a selection of messages on a digital display including "well done mate!" "You've made it" "see, aren't you glad you didn't buy that high spec bigger engined mondeo?" "don't forget to say BMW instead of car in every sentence - eg I'm taking the BMW to the shops"
Cloth trim, steel wheels, bottom spec, 1.1 litre engine, extra BMW badges everywhere - also when you switch the ignition on it brings up a selection of messages on a digital display including "well done mate!" "You've made it" "see, aren't you glad you didn't buy that high spec bigger engined mondeo?" "don't forget to say BMW instead of car in every sentence - eg I'm taking the BMW to the shops"
Harry Flashman said:
Audi A6 “Company Director” special edition
An Audi with a simple name - yeah right. It would be:Audi A6 2.0 TDFSI S-line CDTF Company Director special edition Tdfsi+
And whenever people posted on forums about it, they would include the full name.
How about the Vauxhall Corse Bell end edition. 1.1 litres of unadulterated power, 19in Khan style alloy wheels, only available in platinum white with carbon look roof and bonnet and Fog lights that are impossible to turn off. Optional large bore exhaust.
Sales brochure could read "Real head turner, car is mint, has embarrassed porches at the lights. Must be seen to be believed"
Nissan Micra - Bluerinse edition
Comes with a microscopic sewing machine engine and a speedometer with 0 and 47 in a massive font. Special edition with BACK OFF etched on the rear bumper. This version also features rear fogs set to 'floodlight' and no indicators. No rear windows, so these have been replaced with scenes from nature as there is no need to look back.
Toyota Prius - c**t edition. oh.... wait
Comes with a microscopic sewing machine engine and a speedometer with 0 and 47 in a massive font. Special edition with BACK OFF etched on the rear bumper. This version also features rear fogs set to 'floodlight' and no indicators. No rear windows, so these have been replaced with scenes from nature as there is no need to look back.
Toyota Prius - c**t edition. oh.... wait
McLaren MP4-12C Ultimate Speed Edition
Features over and above standard;
Features over and above standard;
- Bigger turbos for more power and even less noise from the engine
- Less weight through removal of non-functioning infotainment system
- Even wider tyres for more cornering grip
- Deletion of steering wheel, pedals, and any space for a driver to allow the on board computer to lap faster than a Noble M600, Ferrari 458 or Lamborghini Aventador.
Range Rover V8 Supercharged Chelsea Edition.
Special colour - Bellend Blue metallic. Custom holder for oversize sunglasses. 20 inch "Kerbcrawler" alloy wheels. Rear parking assist automatically set to sound alarm at 2cm from obstruction. One single seat in the back, for the child to be driven to school every morning. Sat nav preprogrammed with Waitrose and coke dealers.
Special colour - Bellend Blue metallic. Custom holder for oversize sunglasses. 20 inch "Kerbcrawler" alloy wheels. Rear parking assist automatically set to sound alarm at 2cm from obstruction. One single seat in the back, for the child to be driven to school every morning. Sat nav preprogrammed with Waitrose and coke dealers.
Fiat bravo "depreciator" special edition
Fiat punto "prick" special edition - comes with cheapo dealer fit alloys and stereo and McDonald's holders in the dash
Daihatsu grand move "Norfolk bland type old fart"
Accesory shop wheeltrims, go slower stripes - cruise control set permanently to 40mph (inc in 30mph zones)
No indicator stalk
Extra long seat runners to allow drivers seat to go further forward than normal
Fiat punto "prick" special edition - comes with cheapo dealer fit alloys and stereo and McDonald's holders in the dash
Daihatsu grand move "Norfolk bland type old fart"
Accesory shop wheeltrims, go slower stripes - cruise control set permanently to 40mph (inc in 30mph zones)
No indicator stalk
Extra long seat runners to allow drivers seat to go further forward than normal
The Honda Civic 'Lady Genitals'
Base spec engine, manual windows, seating from a prison waiting room, the stereo takes up the whole boot and comes pre-loaded with a selection of dodgy Eastern European trance music. The exhaust is big enough to house a whole family of badgers and makes a noise loud enough to shake the faeces from your rectum as it drives past your house.
It's only available in black primer, with stickers needlessly covering the whole rear window, and one front wing. Limited edition cuddly toy clipped to the towing eye, but so covered is road salt and dirt that the driver appears to have inadvertently attached a medium sized turd to the back of his car.
Base spec engine, manual windows, seating from a prison waiting room, the stereo takes up the whole boot and comes pre-loaded with a selection of dodgy Eastern European trance music. The exhaust is big enough to house a whole family of badgers and makes a noise loud enough to shake the faeces from your rectum as it drives past your house.
It's only available in black primer, with stickers needlessly covering the whole rear window, and one front wing. Limited edition cuddly toy clipped to the towing eye, but so covered is road salt and dirt that the driver appears to have inadvertently attached a medium sized turd to the back of his car.
The Impreza "Couldn't Run a Real One" Edition, it has all the visual STi trimmings and a drain pipe exhuast but none of that wallet-hurting turbocharged malarky under the bonnet. Ideally it should come in a bright colour as well so that all the slappers round the estate notice you.
Oh wait... that's just a Sport Special
Oh wait... that's just a Sport Special
Harry Flashman said:
From an idle e-mail conversation with chums. I shall start:
Audi A6 “Company Director” special edition
Sexual Harassment Grey, with Nappa leather interior in Expensefiddle Black. Standard satnav pre-loaded with locations of secluded carparks and cheap roadside hotels. 3 year servicing, road tax and forensic interior cleaning package.
Sounds similar to the Nissan Primera Minicab Edition.Audi A6 “Company Director” special edition
Sexual Harassment Grey, with Nappa leather interior in Expensefiddle Black. Standard satnav pre-loaded with locations of secluded carparks and cheap roadside hotels. 3 year servicing, road tax and forensic interior cleaning package.
Daewoo ‘I Can’t Drive’ Small Car
7 year warranty; because the car will do no more than 20 miles a week
Excellent rear vision; so you can see other road users almost pile into the back of you as you stop at every island when there’s no reason to
Cheap as chips price; because you view driving as a chore and as such plastic interior and boring looks mean little to you
Low top speed; which doesn’t matter because you drive at 25 mph everywhere you go
7 year warranty; because the car will do no more than 20 miles a week
Excellent rear vision; so you can see other road users almost pile into the back of you as you stop at every island when there’s no reason to
Cheap as chips price; because you view driving as a chore and as such plastic interior and boring looks mean little to you
Low top speed; which doesn’t matter because you drive at 25 mph everywhere you go
BMW 520 tdi geeza.
"Rattle can black" paint.
Black tinited windows and windscreen.
Full handling and (dis)comfort pack with: lowered suspension, 22" alloys and non matching low profile tyres, twin exaust to give that "half an M5" look.
Red painted brake calipers front and red brake drums at the rear.
Full "smokeing" pack including "rasta with a splif" rear view mirror air freshner, under seat safe and passenger ash trays.
"Rattle can black" paint.
Black tinited windows and windscreen.
Full handling and (dis)comfort pack with: lowered suspension, 22" alloys and non matching low profile tyres, twin exaust to give that "half an M5" look.
Red painted brake calipers front and red brake drums at the rear.
Full "smokeing" pack including "rasta with a splif" rear view mirror air freshner, under seat safe and passenger ash trays.
The Ford Ka 'Green One'
- Aimed at 18 year old girls with no interest in cars. Pre-dinged body panels and faded rear bumber. Extra large rear view mirror to assist with the putting on of mascara, and an eye height phone holder for reading/typing text messages. The engine comes with no oil in the sump, and all 4 tyres are 10 psi short of inflated. Girls can now answer the questions 'What do you drive?' with 'The Green One'...and mean it!
- Aimed at 18 year old girls with no interest in cars. Pre-dinged body panels and faded rear bumber. Extra large rear view mirror to assist with the putting on of mascara, and an eye height phone holder for reading/typing text messages. The engine comes with no oil in the sump, and all 4 tyres are 10 psi short of inflated. Girls can now answer the questions 'What do you drive?' with 'The Green One'...and mean it!
- (very closely modelled on a girl I once saw driving a 'Green One' through Selly Oak whilst alternating between applying mascara and sending a text...presumably explaining the dinged panels.
Vauxhall Meriva Angry & Middle Aged SE for the angry little man with little joy left...
Driving seat with "extra close to steeering" position.
Ultra high driving seat and extended pedals to cope with short arsedness.
Auto middle lane selection system.
45mph in NSL auto cruise.
Automatically accelerates when being overtaken.
Automatically flashes headlights once overtaken.
Free overweight wife in passenger seat & small yappy dog missile in back.
Face reddening windscreen.
Driving seat with "extra close to steeering" position.
Ultra high driving seat and extended pedals to cope with short arsedness.
Auto middle lane selection system.
45mph in NSL auto cruise.
Automatically accelerates when being overtaken.
Automatically flashes headlights once overtaken.
Free overweight wife in passenger seat & small yappy dog missile in back.
Face reddening windscreen.
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