Divorce, mental health and weight gain

Divorce, mental health and weight gain

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Robmarriott

Original Poster:

2,634 posts

157 months

Tuesday 19th September 2017
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Dont really know which section to post this in but it seemed sort of right here.

Starting near the beginning, I used to be thin, when I was early to mid 20s I was 13-14 stone, sort of active and sort of happy but suffered with anxiety and depression which meant that I didn't work for a while and didn't really eat, I lost a load of weight and everything basically built on itself, I went down to 11 stone (I'm 6'2"), had a turning point when a mate bailed me out with a job.

A year or so later, I met a girl, moved in with her, got married at 25 after being with her for 3 years or so.


Then because I was settled I put on what can only be described as a stload of weight, as you do...

Anyway, fast forward to now, I fked up and we are now divorced, totally my fault and I'm just about coping with the self loathing and feeling of letting myself down day to day.

The biggest issue is because we had a mortgage together and the house sale is still in progress, we are splitting the bills between us and neither of us are living in the house, it's completely empty.

My share of the bills is about 85% of my monthly wage (long story short, loads of debt from house renovation to try to spin a profit so we each ended up with some equity)

So basically, I'm sleeping at a relatives house, with no money, I've gained about 5 stone (not sure exactly how much as I can't afford scales laugh ) and I'm single.

Obviously having suffered from depression before I know the signs but the current situation isn't making it easy for me, I hate the job I do but it pays well enough for me to not go bankrupt right now, although I'm not sure I actually hate it, it could be my head telling me that.

I can't afford to go out on a date, Not that there's much point anyway because explaining to someone that I'm sleeping on an air bed in someone's dining room won't go down too well and obviously that's bringing me down too.

I've managed to somehow negotiate a pay rise (I was worse off that the 85% situation) so that now pays for gym membership.

That's where I need the help really, I think I'm about 18.5 stone, I need to shift some of that, I'd like to be 15 stone as a realistic goal for now.

Sorry for babbling, not an easy story to tell concisely and it's not easy to type it, even to (mostly) strangers.

So has anyone been here and do you have any tips, either for my head or weight loss?

Lucas CAV

3,021 posts

218 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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In simple terms: eat less.
Keep a food diary and see what you are eating.

Stop paying for the gym.

xjay1337

15,966 posts

117 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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Eat less for sure.

I hate excerise but me and my mrs play Squash which is fun!

Or cycle.

Slimming World / weight watchers is good. There is enough information online to get by without having to pay and go to classes. Certainly cancel your gym membership as it's mainly diet.

Regarding your depression have you been to your Gp to start the process off there?

Ki3r

7,806 posts

158 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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MyFitnessPal.

Log everything you eat, don't miss anything out as you are only cheating yourself. It will look ste to start with, but you'll see just how quickly things add up.

Don't agree with the poster above about not going to the gym...I don't have much money left over at the end of the month, but pay for a gym membership (its only £20 a month) as I then have a reason to go as I'm already paying for it.

Find something you enjoy when you are there. I hate just doing cardio, so do 25 minutes to start with and then weights for the rest. This of course works for me, and everyone is different.

Head on over to [https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=211&t=1681868]PHAT Fighters[/url] (I've just got what its PHAT rather than FAT...). Another place to go and post things down...all of us on there have different goals and no judgement on there.

Do speak to your doctor about your depression. They are there to help and want to.

RTB

8,273 posts

257 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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Got to echo the eating less advice.

Go here:
https://tdeecalculator.net/

It will give you an approximation of the number of calories you need per day to maintain your current weight. You then have a target to eat under.

It's taken a while to put the weight on so don't be in too much of a rush to get the weight off. If you go massively under your maintenance calories you'll struggle to stick to it; I'd aim for ~500kcal a day under which should amount to a pound a week (3500kcal).

Therefore, to lose 3 stone you're looking at approximately 42 weeks.

Obviously you can speed this up a bit by exercising, even if it's just a good long walk a couple of times a week.

I'd also talk to your Dr about your depression. If the symptoms of that can be controlled, while you're going through a difficult time it will make it easier to stick to a healthier lifestyle. A healthier lifestyle will certainly have a positive impact on your mental health,


Robmarriott

Original Poster:

2,634 posts

157 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
quotequote all
I appreciate the replies, thanks.

I've already changed my diet, though not really through choice. I wasn't eating bad food as such, just lots of it, I used to cook every day and would enjoy cooking and give myself too big a portion, however, with the current situation, I'm no longer cooking for myself so have to rely on what ends up on the table for me.

I've also got myfitnesspal already, I've used it before and it was good but it's a lot easier to eat healthily when you can a) afford food and b) put it in a fridge which isn't raided by children!

I won't be cancelling the gym membership, the fact that I'm paying £40 a month for it is pushing me to go, whether I go or not, it costs me the same so I'm determined to get the best out of it.

Final point about the depression, I've been to the doctors before but was ok for the last 5 years or so, the last time I went, we lived in a different part of the country and I've never signed up with the local doctors here.

It's also not easy for me to get there, I work 15 miles from home (which I appreciate isn't too near) BUT I use a work van to get to and from so when I'm at work, I'm at work! To go to the doctors would mean having a day off work to sign up and another day off for each appointment because I can't afford the fuel to get to work using my own vehicle.

Sounds like a load of excuses but I'm trying to paint a better picture of the full situation.

Robertj21a

16,475 posts

104 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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If, as you say, you're already going to the gym then you really just need to get that food/drink intake down - gently, but consistently.

Chainsaw Rebuild

1,997 posts

101 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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Good luck mate, you are in a rough situation. I have a little bit of experience in a broadly similar situation. I would say don't worry about girls for now- you want to be sorting yourself out first (also once you are in shape you will have a better chance with prettier girls :wink:

Get a hobby that's active and cheap; that way you will get out the house and lose a bit extra weight. So perhaps join a sports team or club.

Another idea is you could get a job in the evening, such as a bar job. That would burn a few calories, make you a few pounds and get you out the house.

Are you in a position to apply for a better job or go for a promotion?

I use a piece of budgeting software called YNAB, it helped me manage my money better. If you do it you might be able to stretch you money further. Speaking of money, is there anyway you can reduce your debt; perhaps switching to zero interest cards or taking out a loan to consolidate your debt into a more manageable one? Have a look on somewhere like money saving expert or speak to a debt charity. Do not pay a debt management firm.

Finally, I live near Gatwick if you fancy a pint.

esuuv

1,306 posts

204 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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Run - seriously, doesn't matter how slowly, or how far you go.

Don't take your phone / headphones - just run - its free (you already have trainers - you go to the gym) - weight will fall off, its remarkably good for some quiet time - gets you some time to clear your head, away from distractions......................

anonymous-user

53 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
quotequote all
I understand the pain of the house sale during a split, I was paying all the house bills plus renting a small flat and legal fees and it was a long and painful 18 months dragged out by her actions.
What stood out for at the time and helped me get through it was the small acts of kindness shown to me by my colleagues and friends, the offer of a pint and a ear was better than any therapy session and the 14" crt Tv that a colleague bought me saved me from sinking into a depression.

The day I went to the solicitors to collect my share of the house and the paperwork was a turning point, I literally danced in the street like a loon. The weight on my shoulders lifted as I stepped out of their door.

Good luck OP it will get better.

JimmyConwayNW

3,056 posts

124 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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I have dropped around 5 stone this year and am now in a 32" waist jean which I have to wear with a belt. The tipping point for me was buying fat bd 40" jeans and thinking am I going to have to start buying clothing from the big and tall aka fat sections.

To start with I just popped some good music on my headphones and went walking to get used to fitness and actually get moving. 20mins after work became 30 and then an hour. I then managed to run sections of the walk.I have now progressed on to running and am running 5/6 nights a week with a long run between 12/15k once a week and a couple of 9/10k runs with some shorter 5k ish runs aswell a good mix. Not really too bothered about setting the best times and all of that it is just for me although that being said did a 5k in 22 mins and did a 10k in just under 50 mins which the fat guy I had become at the start of the year would have stood no chance of doing.

The biggest thing I changed was eating and cut out so much rubbish. Upped drinking lots of water and basically meals consisted of a good helping of veg a small portion of rice and a bit of salmon / chicken / lean red meat. No snacks. Generally try and make sure my meal is made the night before for convenience as when I am starving I could be more tempted to snack.
I was really strict with no meals out or treats, cheat days for the first 2 months. Just kept it simple. After that the odd meal out and dessert etc is fine.

Once you start getting some compliments in it makes it far easier. Im now getting told i am too skinny and need to stack some muscle back on or else I will start getting bullied biggrin but at least I can run away nice and fast.
9 months into the year and I have massively changed my life.

As simple as it sounds eating less and eating right whilst moving more will help. I also think it will help your mental state. It has massively changed mine and I see things far, far more positively. Be really careful with what you consume whilst possibly feeling depressed and some good books, comedy and motivational stuff is great. Doom and gloom media can really not help in my opinion.

All the best and best of luck to you.

ShampooEfficient

4,266 posts

210 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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Lots of good advice, the key is to bulk buy cheap food that kids won't want to touch.

Big bag of rice for a couple of quid, the cheap bits of meat, etc - and if you have a local mini supermarket, pop round on a night and grab their reduced soups, fruits, salads for your lunch the next day.

Running will help both your weight and your mental health, break yourself in gently... And stretch properly!

J4CKO

41,287 posts

199 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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I am not saying that mental health is all to do with weight, it certainly isnt but the weight doesn't help mood, also it screws with your hormones, plus food is very good comfort, temporary comfort. I was in a good place with most of my life but being over 18 stone at 6 ft put a damper on things, feel muich better around 15 with more muscle through going to the gym and lifting weights, bit of cardio and improvements to diet.

Its funny really, the main thing is getting started, and you dont need to be hungry and at the gym all the time, after a few days you feel a small but positive change, then you are then in possession of something precious, its only small but it now exists and can grow, it is a feeling, like you get from food but even better, its the feeling of your body responding, your pants arent cutting in so much, you feel more positive and have a spring in your step. Now, you need to grow that, every day of inactivity and every piece of crap food will detract and every bit of exercise and good day diet wise will see it blossom.

You can do it, just a few days and you can be on your way, it will feel hard and a bit pointless at first but if you do a bit of exercise and eat right, you are no different to anyone else and physics will kick in.

Loads of info on here in the various threads, it only took me maybe 8 months to drop three stone, and to be honest I wondered what all the fuss was, really wasnt as hard as I thought it would be.




Yipper

5,964 posts

89 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
quotequote all
Diet = fatness.
Exercise = fitness.

Both require immense -- and neverending -- self-discipline.

J4CKO

41,287 posts

199 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
quotequote all
Yipper said:
Diet = fatness.
Exercise = fitness.

Both require immense -- and neverending -- self-discipline.
I agree but you make it sound impossible for someone who is obviously not in a great place.

Like anything, if you focus on it, do it right and are consistent, you will get where you want to go, self discipline is required but you do get to cheat occasionally, then, and this is key, get right back on track. Even if you dont feel like exercising, just do something, however minor to keep the mental process and continuity going.

Just focus hard on where you want to be in one years time, it is amazing what can be achieved in a year, you can be four stone lighter, fitter and just in a better place, amazing how a few compliments can make all the difference, and the unbridled joy from buying pants a size or two smaller.






CinnamonFan

980 posts

195 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
quotequote all
esuuv said:
Run - seriously, doesn't matter how slowly, or how far you go.

Don't take your phone / headphones - just run - its free (you already have trainers - you go to the gym) - weight will fall off, its remarkably good for some quiet time - gets you some time to clear your head, away from distractions......................
This is sound advice. You have said you will keep the gym membership, but there is nothing stopping you from walking/jogging outside. The fresher air and green spaces will do wonders for your mental health.

I think you need to keep the job at least for now, you said it pays well & provides a van, both useful. Perhaps look elsewhere when things pick up.

If you eat smart, you will feel better inside. Theres a lot to be said for plant based diets, but thats my opinion.

I work in the mental health sector, if sending me an email venting or just to talk would help you then please do so. You can send them via this forum via my profile.

Alex

kurt535

3,559 posts

116 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
quotequote all
Lots going on in your post.

Scuse the phrase but how do you eat an elephant? a small piece at a time.

How about setting just 3 targets a week?
1 food based - like dropping choccie bars or masses of carbs
1 exercise based - walk briskly for 30 mins over the week
1 mind well-being based - something that makes you forget time a little

and add a small target every week until you actually fancy running/cycling/swimming. it may take several weeks. no point just going for it as your personal life doesn't sound stable yet so is likely to set you up to fail. keep to things you have control over.


Robmarriott

Original Poster:

2,634 posts

157 months

Thursday 21st September 2017
quotequote all
Chainsaw Rebuild said:
Good luck mate, you are in a rough situation. I have a little bit of experience in a broadly similar situation. I would say don't worry about girls for now- you want to be sorting yourself out first (also once you are in shape you will have a better chance with prettier girls :wink:

Get a hobby that's active and cheap; that way you will get out the house and lose a bit extra weight. So perhaps join a sports team or club.

Another idea is you could get a job in the evening, such as a bar job. That would burn a few calories, make you a few pounds and get you out the house.

Are you in a position to apply for a better job or go for a promotion?

I use a piece of budgeting software called YNAB, it helped me manage my money better. If you do it you might be able to stretch you money further. Speaking of money, is there anyway you can reduce your debt; perhaps switching to zero interest cards or taking out a loan to consolidate your debt into a more manageable one? Have a look on somewhere like money saving expert or speak to a debt charity. Do not pay a debt management firm.

Finally, I live near Gatwick if you fancy a pint.
I've got a mountain bike which is my 'cheap' hobby, I need to dig it back out and use it at the weekends a bit more.

The money thing is the big part of the problem, it's crushing working 8-6 every day and having next to nothing immediately after pay day. All of the debt is from the house, mortgage, bills, loan for the kitchen and bathroom and so on. Fortunately, the house sale is almost complete, all the paperwork is dealt with it's just a matter of getting everyone to agree a completion date. That'll be the turning point, I'll be able to move into somewhere of my own, eat better and come and go as I please without disturbing anyone.

Appreciate the offer of a drink, I'm in Northampton though so it's a bit of a trek for me, thanks anyway.

Robmarriott

Original Poster:

2,634 posts

157 months

Thursday 21st September 2017
quotequote all
esuuv said:
Run - seriously, doesn't matter how slowly, or how far you go.

Don't take your phone / headphones - just run - its free (you already have trainers - you go to the gym) - weight will fall off, its remarkably good for some quiet time - gets you some time to clear your head, away from distractions......................
I tried that, this is the reason I joined the gym, running made me realise just how much I absolutely hate running laugh I struggle a little because at the moment I suffer from the same issue women seem to with my chest and I get terrible shin splints, so I've had to resort to other cardio at the gym, which I know isn't as effective.

Robmarriott

Original Poster:

2,634 posts

157 months

Thursday 21st September 2017
quotequote all
Vandenberg said:
I understand the pain of the house sale during a split, I was paying all the house bills plus renting a small flat and legal fees and it was a long and painful 18 months dragged out by her actions.
What stood out for at the time and helped me get through it was the small acts of kindness shown to me by my colleagues and friends, the offer of a pint and a ear was better than any therapy session and the 14" crt Tv that a colleague bought me saved me from sinking into a depression.

The day I went to the solicitors to collect my share of the house and the paperwork was a turning point, I literally danced in the street like a loon. The weight on my shoulders lifted as I stepped out of their door.

Good luck OP it will get better.
I'd better learn to dance then!

I've already had a couple of the random acts of kindness like mates turning up to drag me out to the pub when I was still living at home, it's amazing how much it helps.