Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Halmyre said:
I met my mate Adolf down the pub and I says to him, Adolf do you know what number the Sean Connery Joke Thread is up to and he said "nein" and I said "that's right!"! Eye thang ewe.
I admire your patience. By my reckoning, you've been brewing that one for over 15 years https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?t=80...A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the door bell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"
Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar**-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing well ... Only two left!"
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar**-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing well ... Only two left!"
To carry on from the German joke.
Wartime Britain and two German paratroopers land in England,
Fritz: what are we going to do, how will we blend in?
Herman, we do just like the Englanders do, we go to the pub, act casual.
Fritz, what shall we order, I dont know english drinks.
Herman. leave that to me, I am the expert.
They go in the Dog and Duck and walk up to the bar.
Herman. two Martinis please landlord.
Landlord. Dry?
Herman. nein, zwei.
Fritz. oh bugger.
Wartime Britain and two German paratroopers land in England,
Fritz: what are we going to do, how will we blend in?
Herman, we do just like the Englanders do, we go to the pub, act casual.
Fritz, what shall we order, I dont know english drinks.
Herman. leave that to me, I am the expert.
They go in the Dog and Duck and walk up to the bar.
Herman. two Martinis please landlord.
Landlord. Dry?
Herman. nein, zwei.
Fritz. oh bugger.
Edited by Robbo 27 on Tuesday 5th December 14:14
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone...and starts to sing .....
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone...and starts to sing .....
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
Ructions said:
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone...and starts to sing .....
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
ahhh.... reminds me of 'itchy sore fanny... how we don't talk any more....'In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone...and starts to sing .....
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know?
What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know?
What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."
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