Thursday 30th October 2014

Enough exhaust noise already: Tell Me I'm Wrong

As volleys of fake exhaust crackle echo across the land Dan asks if it's all getting a bit much

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Bonfire night isn't until next week but the Boxster GTS we've got in at the moment seems rather keen on conducting itself like it's a rolling firework display.

Ah yes, the thorny issue of the contrived exhaust note rears its head once more. And we're an ungrateful bunch aren't we? Ducts, resonators and all manner of other physical aural enhancements have been around for ages in response to dulled down modern engine notes. Some we're aware of, many we're not.

Lovely car, just likes to shout about it

More recently things have become more digitised, BMW copping an awful lot of flak on these pages for the speaker-enhanced V8ness of the current M5. More recent culprits include the synthesised drone of the Golf R, annoying enough that it pretty much ruins the car for me. Porsche, like many, has at least attempted to give us what we want with some 'real' sound in the shape of some contrived exhaust crackle on many of its new models. Contrived as in it's clearly been written into the map to happen all ... the ... bloody ... time.

Double standards
This is going to sound exceptionally curmudgeonly and more than a bit hypocritical given how loud I've made my Eunos but it drives me up the wall. Porsche isn't alone with this of course; the Boxster GTS is just the most extreme example I've yet encountered. But what these theatrics don't take account of is that the carefully cultivated exhaust crackle is something that should be earned on merit, not supplied on demand.

Loud'n'louder? Make your mind up Trent

About one gearshift in 10 on a spirited drive in the Eunos I'll get a properly invigorating 'thwap!', but only if I've been pressing on for a good stretch and only if certain random factors contrive to make it happen. The joy is in its unpredictability and the fact it's very much an indication that the car is getting a proper thrashing. Likewise 'my' dearly departed C63 AMG, a masterclass in sound engineering if ever there was one. A proper upshift pop from that was a very rare occurrence, given that you had to be absolutely on it to even stand a chance of it happening. And therefore all the more satisfying when it did. We'll have to see how the new C63's fancy new fully active exhaust flaps manage the task of making the new turbo V8 sound 'proper'; let's just hope it's less frenetic than the A45, another car that sounds like a firing squad every time you lift your foot off the throttle.

Peace and tranquility about to be shattered

Life and soul
Knowing when it's appropriate to act life and soul of the party and when to just shut the hell up is a sign of class and maturity. But, frankly, the Boxster is just too much of a gobs**te, unleashing an inappropriate fusillade of bangs and crackles with even the most moderate lift of the throttle. Amusing on a B-road blast, downright embarrassing while slowing for a pedestrian crossing on the High Street. A shame because in every other respect it sounds absolutely fabulous.

Leading me to the tricky dilemma of the V8 Jaguar F-Type, a car which has been extensively sound engineered for maximum excitement. I'm wavering here. It does the contrived banging and popping thing I'm railing against here. But it also achieves perhaps the most blistering V8 noise ever achieved in a mainstream production car. On track it had me in mind of the onboard in that video of Peter Brock's banzai 1991 Bathurst quali lap in the flame spitting V8 Holden Commodore. Praise doesn't come any higher than that either. But it is still artificially enhanced and there are times you wish it would just stop bellowing in your ear.

Bit more choke and she'd have started
Same with the Ferrari 458. The noise has been very carefully managed for maximum attention seeking effect but it's sometimes weirdly out of sync with revs, throttle position and engine load, making for socially awkward situations where you want an eruption of noise and instead get a disappointingly muted drone.

The 'socially awkward' Ferrari 458 Italia

And then, just as you're backing out of it or want to keep quiet, a sudden and inopportune blare of look-at-me noise. Forgive the scatological analogy but it's like attempting what the Viz Profanisaurous would describe as a discreet 'one cheek sneak' in a high powered board meeting and instead getting an inopportune trouser trumpet.

Matt, who had the Boxster over the weekend, proffers sage advice. Option one for the Porsche is to leave the exhaust button unpressed and not stray into the Sport or Sport Plus modes, where it's even more flatulent and in the latter compounds the issue with extravagant downshift blips. Option two is, in his words, "never lift", which has merit in its PHness but isn't always entirely practical. Leaving what? A sock up the exhaust? Time to hand in my PH badge and gun and drive a diesel?

Not sure, but as it stands my flush of embarrassment every time that volley of artificially enhanced pops erupts is as crimson as the Boxster's roof. Sport Auspuff? I never thought I'd say it but nein danke.

Boxster noise terror

 

[MogulBoy]

You're not wrong.

P.S. Do we know how all these pops and crackles are created? Is it unburned fuel being allowed through and ignited in the cats or something else? If it is fuel then how can they get away with it when every ml counts?

[MogulBoy]

Simon said:

Surely any noise produced by the engine/exhaust should be a product of the tuning and design required to extract the desired performance not the target.

Anyone who starts an engine/exhaust design with the intention of creating noise is a fool in my not so humble and absolutely correct opinion.

Seriously? I would say that you risk missing the point here - unless you are focussed on one of the dictionary definitions of noise which is a loud or unpleasant sound or an unwanted sound?

The commercial imperative is that companies make cars that make money so the end product has to be seen as desirable to those who are in a position to pay the asking price and it's clear that many folk crave this kind of aural stimulation...

Perhaps the solution is that cars should be silent on the outside but come with headphones/earbuds so that each passenger could choose the sounds they want from their personal touchscreen. You could then programme your car's acoustic hub to overlay your chosen sound layer on top in real-time post production process that could immerse you in a full-on WRC anti-lag fest whilst your passengers perceive themselves to be in a flotilla of Venetian gondolas.