Audi S4 (B8) Terrible bodywork, new gearbox

Never judge the mechanical health of a car by the condition of its coachwork - a wise man once said that.

He’d soon reconsider his position if he drove my S4. There’s a god-awful creaking from the rear suspension and its appetite for gearboxes is only slightly less astounding than the condition of the bodywork and the alloy wheels. God, the alloy wheels are disgraceful. These aren’t kerbed, they’re shagged. Albeit still round and not cracked.

Much like a retired call-girl, this mildly well-known S4 must look back on its life and wonder what on earth it did to deserve the VIN number handed to it. Ten thousand miles as a UK press car being trashed by journos, including myself, probably left it deserving a middle-age in the home counties trundling to the golf club. Instead it was snapped up by a septuagenarian lunatic that goes by the name of Mrs Harris who also had two large, mostly aquatic retrievers who lent the interior a distinctive aroma.

A few years ago it escaped this hell and probably hoped to finally fall into the hands of an amateur detailer, but that sadly wasn’t to be. Oh no. Instead it was forced into a new role as a camera car for a series of low-rent internet films about fast cars. At this time it was sent to Revo Technic and, as they say in the trade ‘chipped to f**k’. It became very, very fast – so was fitted with bigger front brakes. And a bigger rear anti-roll bar. It was driven at all times with what Autocar magazine still calls 'brio'. I've never quite understood what 'brio' was. Can you drive with 'brio'? If you say 'brio' over-and-over it sounds like a very strange word. Almost like a non-word.

But anyways, trouble was afoot. The mad old previous owner had knackered the DSG gearbox and adding a zillion horsepower didn’t help its cogs. A new gearbox was fitted, but this soon succumbed for reasons unknown. Now the car has another, brand new, zero-miles gearbox which has never been used with the engine in anything other than standard tune.

It has Tax and an MOT. It’s a cracking car. I usually spit and kick the dog when I read in other adverts 'probably the highest spec example in the UK', but I've never seen one with the fancy seats, the B&O hifi (that really is superb) and the fancy rear differential and the interior carbon. The bodywork is best described as ‘shambolic’. I can’t be bothered to fix the rear roll-bar (clearly the source of the noise) and I’m a bit disappointed that the dog smell has disappeared because I enjoy watching people wretch when they sit in it.

Tyres seem fine, I'll find out when it was last serviced.

It is by some margin the least presentable S4 in the UK, but the motor is spot-on and the new gearbox alone is worth about £7k.

I have no idea what it’s worth, so will ask £13k and await the inevitable accusations of being a dreamer.

I trust all is well with the good people of PH.

Best

Chris Harris