Wife making plans to disappear with daughter
Discussion
Good evening folks. I’d wait 14 days to post anon but this is a bit of an important one. As title suggests, after some problems in the marriage, wife has decided she wants out. I won’t bore you with the back and forth (I’m contesting unreasonable behaviour ‘cos I don’t want to be screwed for Spousal Maintenance) but I’ve just got wind of her renting another place and moving out with our daughter without telling me. I don’t know where this is. In addition, money is disappearing from various accounts, her car (owned) has been swapped today for a lease car. Etc etc.
Nothing untoward how I found out-landlord texted me in error to say ‘references sorted for the new place’.
Does anyone know of a Solicitor that I can contact in the next day or so for proper advice? I’ve been taking care of the paperwork with her solicitor by myself up ‘till now but this needs proper attention.
Proper advice includes applying for an emergency order to prevent child removal?
Nothing untoward how I found out-landlord texted me in error to say ‘references sorted for the new place’.
Does anyone know of a Solicitor that I can contact in the next day or so for proper advice? I’ve been taking care of the paperwork with her solicitor by myself up ‘till now but this needs proper attention.
Proper advice includes applying for an emergency order to prevent child removal?
Definitely get a lawyer. This should be focused on what is happening now with the assets and the daughter. Its important to focus on what she might be going through.
You do not need to contest unreasonable behaviour, you can consent to the divorce without accepting it. Either way it will be very unlikely to make a difference to any settlement. Contesting will definitely drag things out, its unlikely to be successful and will end up costing more.
You do not need to contest unreasonable behaviour, you can consent to the divorce without accepting it. Either way it will be very unlikely to make a difference to any settlement. Contesting will definitely drag things out, its unlikely to be successful and will end up costing more.
Graveworm said:
Definitely get a lawyer. This should be focused on what is happening now with the assets and the daughter. Its important to focus on what she might be going through.
You do not need to contest unreasonable behaviour, you can consent to the divorce without accepting it. Either way it will be very unlikely to make a difference to any settlement. Contesting will definitely drag things out, its unlikely to be successful and will end up costing more.
Reply appreciated. However, the appalling sYou do not need to contest unreasonable behaviour, you can consent to the divorce without accepting it. Either way it will be very unlikely to make a difference to any settlement. Contesting will definitely drag things out, its unlikely to be successful and will end up costing more.
t that her solicitor put in the ‘unreasonable behaviour’ section of the petition couldn’t go unanswered. I’ve already answered it. (There’s another £245) Solicitor is pretty useless.And yes, it does affect things. If it’s found to not be unreasonable, She May be on the hook for forcing me out of a marriage and paying NY maintenance for a new house with child.
When I pointed that out, she went ballistic.
That aside, I’m looking at a way to prevent her disappearing with our daughter. I’m not going to go into what she said she would do on here (there’s always 2 sides) but I’m waiting for the accusation of child neglect and/or molestation from her solicitor. That’s how serious it’s become.
Not in any way an expert but experience of mates is that the kids usually initially follow their mother through the legal process
If it helps then in the two most toxic break ups my pals have been involved with after the dust settled each mate's kids spend more time with their dad than their mother.
In one scenario she had actually intended to limit his access to a microscopic amount each month and he ended up with his 4y old daughter full time after fighting false accusations of physical abuse. At the time he went through several shades of hell and I wouldnt wish this on anyone but the legal process and the police eventually saw through it and came up trumps.
Other mates kids were 7 and 10 at the time and after an "amicable" divorce with 50:50 custody ended up spending more time with him than her through choice which she failed to see off it court happily leading to him paying less maintenance too!
No doubt you're in a world of pain, and good luck, but hope these anecdotes keep you going
Cheers
TVR1 said:
I’m contesting unreasonable behaviour ‘cos I don’t want to be screwed for Spousal Maintenance
You're wasting your time and money contesting the allegations. Behaviour is generally ignored in divorce law unless it's absolutely horrendous, such as child abuse or serious violence, and in the absence of such serious behavior the financial outcome will be the same either way.The best way of finding a solicitor is personal recommendation, but if this doesn't work there's a Law Society directory of firms that have a Family Law accreditation, meaning that they have been specifically accepted by the Law Society as having expertise in family law. This should take you to the relevant page - http://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/search/results...
This doesn't at all mean that you should only choose an accredited firm. There are plenty of excellent firms that can't be bothered to obtain accreditation or are so successful anyway that it would be pointless.
I'm sorry to say that you would very probably also be wasting your time and money in fighting to keep your daughter with you. Unless your wife is clearly unsuitable to be a parent the courts will nearly always order that young children will live with their mother. It may be unfair, but that's just the way it is.
Difficult as it may be the best advice is to try to resolve things without fighting, as you're bound to be the loser, and the main winner will be your solicitor. London solicitors are very expensive - expect at least £250 + VAT per hour - and you can very quickly end up with a bill for thousands and sod all to show for it.
Also, if you do fight you will make a bad situation far worse. Not only will your own bill go through the roof but you will force your wife to incur higher legal costs as well, which will only make her even more resentful. This will almost certainly reduce the chances of ever arriving at satisfactory arrangements to see your daughter.
I understand why you want to hit back at your wife, but you need to take a deep breath and think of how your handling of the situation now will affect your life in the future and that of your daughter. Children are often badly damaged by the fallout from a divorce, and the more conflict your daughter witnesses the worse the effect on her will be.
Pro Bono said:
You're wasting your time and money contesting the allegations. Behaviour is generally ignored in divorce law unless it's absolutely horrendous, such as child abuse or serious violence, and in the absence of such serious behavior the financial outcome will be the same either way.
The best way of finding a solicitor is personal recommendation, but if this doesn't work there's a Law Society directory of firms that have a Family Law accreditation, meaning that they have been specifically accepted by the Law Society as having expertise in family law. This should take you to the relevant page - http://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/search/results...
This doesn't at all mean that you should only choose an accredited firm. There are plenty of excellent firms that can't be bothered to obtain accreditation or are so successful anyway that it would be pointless.
I'm sorry to say that you would very probably also be wasting your time and money in fighting to keep your daughter with you. Unless your wife is clearly unsuitable to be a parent the courts will nearly always order that young children will live with their mother. It may be unfair, but that's just the way it is.
Difficult as it may be the best advice is to try to resolve things without fighting, as you're bound to be the loser, and the main winner will be your solicitor. London solicitors are very expensive - expect at least £250 + VAT per hour - and you can very quickly end up with a bill for thousands and sod all to show for it.
Also, if you do fight you will make a bad situation far worse. Not only will your own bill go through the roof but you will force your wife to incur higher legal costs as well, which will only make her even more resentful. This will almost certainly reduce the chances of ever arriving at satisfactory arrangements to see your daughter.
I understand why you want to hit back at your wife, but you need to take a deep breath and think of how your handling of the situation now will affect your life in the future and that of your daughter. Children are often badly damaged by the fallout from a divorce, and the more conflict your daughter witnesses the worse the effect on her will be.
Really good advice.The best way of finding a solicitor is personal recommendation, but if this doesn't work there's a Law Society directory of firms that have a Family Law accreditation, meaning that they have been specifically accepted by the Law Society as having expertise in family law. This should take you to the relevant page - http://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/search/results...
This doesn't at all mean that you should only choose an accredited firm. There are plenty of excellent firms that can't be bothered to obtain accreditation or are so successful anyway that it would be pointless.
I'm sorry to say that you would very probably also be wasting your time and money in fighting to keep your daughter with you. Unless your wife is clearly unsuitable to be a parent the courts will nearly always order that young children will live with their mother. It may be unfair, but that's just the way it is.
Difficult as it may be the best advice is to try to resolve things without fighting, as you're bound to be the loser, and the main winner will be your solicitor. London solicitors are very expensive - expect at least £250 + VAT per hour - and you can very quickly end up with a bill for thousands and sod all to show for it.
Also, if you do fight you will make a bad situation far worse. Not only will your own bill go through the roof but you will force your wife to incur higher legal costs as well, which will only make her even more resentful. This will almost certainly reduce the chances of ever arriving at satisfactory arrangements to see your daughter.
I understand why you want to hit back at your wife, but you need to take a deep breath and think of how your handling of the situation now will affect your life in the future and that of your daughter. Children are often badly damaged by the fallout from a divorce, and the more conflict your daughter witnesses the worse the effect on her will be.
Went through something very similar OP, discovering she had setup a new rental covertly (with another guy) and was taking my two daughters.
If I had to do it all over again I’d say conserve your energy, don’t get drawn into fighting at every stage and focus everything you can on projecting normality, stability and reasonableness to your daughter.
You are in for a rough ride I suspect. It’s been 3 years for me and it’s still ongoing despite my personal life having very well “moved on”, me being re-married and having an excellent relationship with my kids. Everything is still a stupidly petty power struggle with the ex over manipulating and controlling the children and we haven’t yet reached resolution of financial settlement which means I’ve spent approaching £20k on solicitors with sod all to show for it.
All good advice here. Forget the behaviour stuff, it's just a distracting smokescreen. Concentrate on the money. If you haven't got an account in your own name already, get one right away and get all the remaining money out of her reach. Not forever, just until she stops stealing it from you.
And don't get dragged down to her level, keep the moral high ground, no matter how angry you are inside. It will be better for you in the long run.
And don't get dragged down to her level, keep the moral high ground, no matter how angry you are inside. It will be better for you in the long run.
SlimRick said:
I've PMd you with the details of a family law solicitor I've used - specialises in matters with children, emergency measures etc. Only downside is that she's in Wiltshire.
Email received and many thanks to you and Greenmantle.Cold light of day and I’ll consider the options. It could so easily go ‘turbo’. I’ve woken up everyday for 4 years to a little smiley face, carried her in my arms every night to bed.
I was there for her first steps, potty trained her, taught her to count, the alphabet, made a painting wall at home, how to use a knife and fork, how to sit down to share dinner, how to clean her teeth, celebrated her birthdays, made Christmas, Christmas. (Wife has no concept of Christmas trees, birthdays or celebrations or any of the other stuff) I absolutely adore my little girl and she does me. And my wife wants to take that away from me....
How is the childcare currently split on a daily basis? Does your wife / soon-to-be-ex work whilst you look after your daughter? If you go for any court order to determine your daughter's living arrangements, whether emergency or longer-term, they are going to look at maintaining continuity of contact with a primary caregiver. If she plays a major day-to-day role in your daughter's caregiving, then unless there are serious concerns about welfare, a judge isn't likely to order that your wife leaves the home without the child.
Her decision to move out does unavoidably result in the destruction of your family unit and the life you have had until now with your daughter. You can only act in what you believe are the best interests of your daughter and that is likely to involve coming to a shared care arrangement of some sorts. If you draw a line in the sand now effectively saying "you're not leaving with the child" then I think it will count against you. You'll play into any controlling/abusive narrative she has most likely spun, for starters. The other factor is that no matter how good your relationship with your daughter, unless your wife has the most hands-off parenting relationship imaginable, the girl is likely to be traumatised by any prospect of separation from her mother.
The latter was very hard for me to swallow. I was close with my kids, I was being calm, stable and rational and was staying in the original family home. Their mother was mental, erratic and moving them into a completely new situation with, shock horror, a new 'stepdad' they hadn't even met. Yet even in such difficult circumstances the children really wanted their mother, which reflecting back, is entirely natural.
Her decision to move out does unavoidably result in the destruction of your family unit and the life you have had until now with your daughter. You can only act in what you believe are the best interests of your daughter and that is likely to involve coming to a shared care arrangement of some sorts. If you draw a line in the sand now effectively saying "you're not leaving with the child" then I think it will count against you. You'll play into any controlling/abusive narrative she has most likely spun, for starters. The other factor is that no matter how good your relationship with your daughter, unless your wife has the most hands-off parenting relationship imaginable, the girl is likely to be traumatised by any prospect of separation from her mother.
The latter was very hard for me to swallow. I was close with my kids, I was being calm, stable and rational and was staying in the original family home. Their mother was mental, erratic and moving them into a completely new situation with, shock horror, a new 'stepdad' they hadn't even met. Yet even in such difficult circumstances the children really wanted their mother, which reflecting back, is entirely natural.
Edited by theboss on Wednesday 20th March 11:01
theboss said:
How is the childcare currently split on a daily basis? Does your wife / soon-to-be-ex work whilst you look after your daughter? If you go for any court order to determine your daughter's living arrangements, whether emergency or longer-term, they are going to look at maintaining continuity of contact with a primary caregiver. If she plays a major day-to-day role in your daughter's caregiving, then unless there are serious concerns about welfare, a judge isn't likely to order that your wife leaves the home without the child.
Her decision to move out does unavoidably result in the destruction of your family unit and the life you have had until now with your daughter. You can only act in what you believe are the best interests of your daughter and that is likely to involve coming to a shared care arrangement of some sorts. If you draw a line in the sand now effectively saying "you're not leaving with the child" then I think it will count against you. You'll play into any controlling/abusive narrative she has most likely spun, for starters. The other factor is that no matter how good your relationship with your daughter, unless your wife has the most hands-off parenting relationship imaginable, the girl is likely to be traumatised by any prospect of separation from her mother.
The latter was very hard for me to swallow. I was close with my kids, I was being calm, stable and rational and was staying in the original family home. Their mother was mental, erratic and moving them into a completely new situation with, shock horror, a new 'stepdad' they hadn't even met. Yet even in such difficult circumstances the children really wanted their mother, which reflecting back, is entirely natural.
We both work. After things happened 2 years ago, we decided to make a change (it’s on here, so no probs if you want to look up what happened)Her decision to move out does unavoidably result in the destruction of your family unit and the life you have had until now with your daughter. You can only act in what you believe are the best interests of your daughter and that is likely to involve coming to a shared care arrangement of some sorts. If you draw a line in the sand now effectively saying "you're not leaving with the child" then I think it will count against you. You'll play into any controlling/abusive narrative she has most likely spun, for starters. The other factor is that no matter how good your relationship with your daughter, unless your wife has the most hands-off parenting relationship imaginable, the girl is likely to be traumatised by any prospect of separation from her mother.
The latter was very hard for me to swallow. I was close with my kids, I was being calm, stable and rational and was staying in the original family home. Their mother was mental, erratic and moving them into a completely new situation with, shock horror, a new 'stepdad' they hadn't even met. Yet even in such difficult circumstances the children really wanted their mother, which reflecting back, is entirely natural.
Edited by theboss on Wednesday 20th March 11:01
I’m now a driving instructor, working together with her, so there’s not the issue of who does what and when. We alternate, so this week I have afternoon lessons so I drop daughter to school and she will do that next week so I can pick daughter up. We take alternate weekends off so wife can do ‘Mum’ stuff and I do ‘Dad’ stuff. Dad stuff, oddly includes baking cakes, looking at aeroplanes and messing around with ducks, sheep and cows at a local farm. It’s actually pretty brilliant!
Mum stuff consists of putting daughter on the iPad.
If I question anything, I always gave the reply....
‘Are you the f
king Police?’ TVR1 said:
stuff
Hay man I just wanted to say you're gonna be OK. Accept that you'll spend the next year or two 'burning your life down', and a year or two after that building it back up but you will be surprised how quickly things will be better than they were before.Oh and if you get angry you loose. Treat her like a difficult customer at work. Take care of yourself and do things that make you happy as this will help you keep a level head in your dealings.
TVR1 said:
I was there for her first steps, potty trained her, taught her to count, the alphabet, made a painting wall at home, how to use a knife and fork, how to sit down to share dinner, how to clean her teeth, celebrated her birthdays, made Christmas, Christmas. (Wife has no concept of Christmas trees, birthdays or celebrations or any of the other stuff) I absolutely adore my little girl and she does me. And my wife wants to take that away from me....
And yet, playing devil's advocate, you also want to take that from her.You are splitting. You both need to accept that neither of you will now have a full-time 24-7 relationship with your daughter.
You both think she's better off with you. As a mother, courts will naturally side with her.
You need to be really, really objective here. Much as you might scorn on the interaction your wife has with your daughter, your daughter (presumably) still loves her and would hate being apart from her as much as being apart from you.
Focus on the child, do what's objectively best for her.
Good luck.
Sorry to hear about the situation you are in
As soon as a solicitor is involved you will be accused of everything under the sun!
Family courts don't need evidence of anything to have happened. They take the view it may have happened if stated by the ex........
Tonker on here will tell you of his experience and the clowns that run family courts
Good luck you'll need it
And yes I have lost contact with my daughter so have experienced the farce of family courts
As soon as a solicitor is involved you will be accused of everything under the sun!
Family courts don't need evidence of anything to have happened. They take the view it may have happened if stated by the ex........
Tonker on here will tell you of his experience and the clowns that run family courts
Good luck you'll need it
And yes I have lost contact with my daughter so have experienced the farce of family courts
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