Help ending things with alcoholic partner+custody issues?
Discussion
My partner has gone back to drinking excessively since having our daughter last year, despite being offered all of the help under the sun she continues to damage herself and others with her drinking. It’s beginning to affect our daughter who, unsurprisingly, is my world.
When my partner drinks its binge drinking, she neglects out daughter and there has been instances of her almost letting our daughter come to harm when in drink and I have to look after and keep an eye on my partner as well as my daughter which is taking its toll mentally and emotionally.
My partner and I have been together for a few years and rent a house together, when she is not drinking we have a happy relationship but her drinking has become more frequent and we are now at the point that there has been a referral to various child services. We have been assessed and whilst they say that my partner is not fit to look after our daughter when drinking and shouldn’t be left alone with her, I have been assessed as a “protective factor” and therefore they will not take any action. I have had to leave work to ensure that our daughter is safe 24/7.
I don’t really see an end to my partners behaviour and I believe that by always being there I actually enable her behaviour, she is not engaging with any sort of help and because of this I want to get out of this relationship before my partner destroys my daughters life, my life as well as her own. This is absolutely heart breaking but I see no other way out from this.
The only spanner in the works is that I am very scared I am going to lose my daughter and somehow she is going to have to stay with my partner, I don’t feel this is safe for her. Another issue is that my partners parents live abroad in the UAE (UK citizens) and there is a chance that my partner will want to go back there with my daughter.
Has anyone else been through similar? what’s the likely hood of me being given instant care of my daughter? If the worst should happen and she is placed with my partner, would my partner be able to (legally) up sticks and move my daughter to the UAE, thousands of miles away from her dad?
Thanks for reading, I’m a bit of a wreck these last few weeks as I really do not know what to do about this situation but ill do my best to answer any questions.
When my partner drinks its binge drinking, she neglects out daughter and there has been instances of her almost letting our daughter come to harm when in drink and I have to look after and keep an eye on my partner as well as my daughter which is taking its toll mentally and emotionally.
My partner and I have been together for a few years and rent a house together, when she is not drinking we have a happy relationship but her drinking has become more frequent and we are now at the point that there has been a referral to various child services. We have been assessed and whilst they say that my partner is not fit to look after our daughter when drinking and shouldn’t be left alone with her, I have been assessed as a “protective factor” and therefore they will not take any action. I have had to leave work to ensure that our daughter is safe 24/7.
I don’t really see an end to my partners behaviour and I believe that by always being there I actually enable her behaviour, she is not engaging with any sort of help and because of this I want to get out of this relationship before my partner destroys my daughters life, my life as well as her own. This is absolutely heart breaking but I see no other way out from this.
The only spanner in the works is that I am very scared I am going to lose my daughter and somehow she is going to have to stay with my partner, I don’t feel this is safe for her. Another issue is that my partners parents live abroad in the UAE (UK citizens) and there is a chance that my partner will want to go back there with my daughter.
Has anyone else been through similar? what’s the likely hood of me being given instant care of my daughter? If the worst should happen and she is placed with my partner, would my partner be able to (legally) up sticks and move my daughter to the UAE, thousands of miles away from her dad?
Thanks for reading, I’m a bit of a wreck these last few weeks as I really do not know what to do about this situation but ill do my best to answer any questions.
Call a local family law solicitors, most offer a free consultation, take their advice & proceed from there.
CAB is the other option but good luck getting through to them.
Have you spoken to any of the agencies you’ve had contact with about it?
DO NOT rise to anything she does, on a previous thread on here it was suggested that recording her drunken behaviour on video would be a good idea..
Good luck.
CAB is the other option but good luck getting through to them.
Have you spoken to any of the agencies you’ve had contact with about it?
DO NOT rise to anything she does, on a previous thread on here it was suggested that recording her drunken behaviour on video would be a good idea..
Good luck.
Edited by LordHaveMurci on Thursday 21st January 21:02
On the quite specific issue of the UAE, as long as you have Parental Responsibility, it would be illegal for her to export your young in without your consent. However, as there doesn't seem to be a large queue of singletons producing written proof at passport control, you might want to consider a Prohibited Steps Order.
I presume that you are employed? Can you afford a solicitor to talk to about this, and some of the fun you have coming?
I presume that you are employed? Can you afford a solicitor to talk to about this, and some of the fun you have coming?
I've no immediate advice for you OP. But you have my sympathies. Your partner sounds like a real drag on your well-being, so I hope you can keep your self-esteem high. You have pulled out all the stops for your daughter, and want to give her a great start. Fair play to you - what a great Dad.
Hoping that the State pulls out all the stops to help you do what needs doing - nurturing your daughter.
Hoping that the State pulls out all the stops to help you do what needs doing - nurturing your daughter.
LordHaveMurci said:
.... a previous thread on here it was suggested that recording her drunken behaviour on video would be a good idea..
Not married, never will be, no kids etc.… but what I’ve learnt from the many people I know who have had troublesome partners (on both sides) is to keep calm (easier said than done) and gather evidence, evidence and more evidence. Edited by LordHaveMurci on Thursday 21st January 21:02
Better legal minds than mine will be able to advise as to how this stands up should push come to shove.
Otherwise it just descends into “he said, she said” mode…
As well as the possibilities of prohibited steps order mentioned above. I know my sister looked at this (or something similar) very carefully, as her knob head 2nd husband was Jordanian, and was scared stiff he would vanish abroad with their 3 sons.
If i read this right, drinking is the primary issue here, and not a symptom of some other issue.
You need to keep a diary of the drinking. Frequency, causes, amounts and outcomes to be able to keep an accurate picture of the problem.
I'd suggest engaging a local legal specialist if you possibly can, as soon as you can. The welfare of the child is of utmost importance.
You need to keep a diary of the drinking. Frequency, causes, amounts and outcomes to be able to keep an accurate picture of the problem.
I'd suggest engaging a local legal specialist if you possibly can, as soon as you can. The welfare of the child is of utmost importance.
The fact that child services are already involved and consider your child at risk if left with her mother is a huge deal in your favour.
Presumably there will have been home visits and assessments already done which can only go in your favour. (No doubt along with mounds of paperwork)
Get a good family lawyer on your case (not your average High Street lawyer) and you should have a good case for custody.
Presumably there will have been home visits and assessments already done which can only go in your favour. (No doubt along with mounds of paperwork)
Get a good family lawyer on your case (not your average High Street lawyer) and you should have a good case for custody.
Edited by Drawweight on Friday 22 January 09:16
As others have said, and regularly repeat on here, you need proper advice from an actual lawyer who works in this field. Don't base significant life decisions on advice given by middle-aged blokes on a car forum.
On the drinking side of things; everyone I've known who had problems with drink or other substances had underlying issues that they were using the drink/substances to mask. These need to be addressed rather than the drink itself. Ultimately though, the child is your first concern.
On the drinking side of things; everyone I've known who had problems with drink or other substances had underlying issues that they were using the drink/substances to mask. These need to be addressed rather than the drink itself. Ultimately though, the child is your first concern.
ask1ngforafriend said:
We have been assessed and whilst they say that my partner is not fit to look after our daughter when drinking and shouldn’t be left alone with her, I have been assessed as a “protective factor” and therefore they will not take any action.
Apart from the very obvious advice of taking professional advice, I'd suggest that you speak with whoever performed the assessment and ask them what action they would have taken had you not been there as a "protective factor". Would they have taken your daughter away from her mother? If so, would you have been awarded custody automatically?If they would approve you having custody simply for the protection of the child, then it sounds like this is your escape route.
Please take proper advice - this is not a claim for compensation for a dodgy car - this is something that cuold affect the rest of yours and your daughter's lives.
Good luck and please come back and tell us how you're getting on
I feel for you as I have been in this position, but was then kicked out of the home.
As others have said get legal advise soon, and perhaps a new place to live (solicitor will advise)
As the father I now have full custody of my son. The legal system and CAFCASS were needed to sort out the situation.
The situation came to a head as her brother reported her to social services. I had the option to step in to it would have been foster care.
They do side with fathers, the legal system is looking at the childs best interests only.
Good luck, when I was going through this I was told many times to keep calm and level headed. I never lashed out at my Ex despite wanting to and always engaged mouth after thinking very carefully what was going to come out of it!
Best of luck and best wishes.
As others have said get legal advise soon, and perhaps a new place to live (solicitor will advise)
As the father I now have full custody of my son. The legal system and CAFCASS were needed to sort out the situation.
The situation came to a head as her brother reported her to social services. I had the option to step in to it would have been foster care.
They do side with fathers, the legal system is looking at the childs best interests only.
Good luck, when I was going through this I was told many times to keep calm and level headed. I never lashed out at my Ex despite wanting to and always engaged mouth after thinking very carefully what was going to come out of it!
Best of luck and best wishes.
Edited by Hashtaggggg on Friday 22 January 12:17
Thank you for the replies everyone, I will be engaging a family lawyer ASAP but you have reassured me about my main worry - my daughter being taken abroad with nothing I can do to stop it.
I have been keeping a diary for the last couple of months with dates and times and what has happened. There are past issues from events that happened before we met/when she was much younger which do affect my partner but try as I might she simply won't take the proper help, preferring to drink it all away. There are other options from NHS but a lot of it is off the table due to the pandemic which is frustrating to say the least.
I will try and speak to the perinatal mental health worker who has been our main point of contact and has been involved in the social services contact, we are quite friendly and is well aware of what is going on at the moment so I'll have a chat about it with her.
At the moment I can just about handle staying here so will not be taking any rash decisions or actions, but to be honest I'm bricking it as if it all goes the wrong way it's a life changing situation.
I have been keeping a diary for the last couple of months with dates and times and what has happened. There are past issues from events that happened before we met/when she was much younger which do affect my partner but try as I might she simply won't take the proper help, preferring to drink it all away. There are other options from NHS but a lot of it is off the table due to the pandemic which is frustrating to say the least.
I will try and speak to the perinatal mental health worker who has been our main point of contact and has been involved in the social services contact, we are quite friendly and is well aware of what is going on at the moment so I'll have a chat about it with her.
At the moment I can just about handle staying here so will not be taking any rash decisions or actions, but to be honest I'm bricking it as if it all goes the wrong way it's a life changing situation.
Whilst I can't offer any advice on the legal/custody side of things, in the last 15 years I have had more experience of alcohol issues with friends, family and colleagues than I ever thought I would. I should explain I'm no professional in the field, but most of my friends and colleagues know that my dad is a recovering alcoholic due to the effects it had on my work and personal life at the time, and TBH that experience gave me what I describe as "a healthy fear of alcoholism".
By the time they confided in me, they were already at the point where they had realised for themselves their drinking was a problem, and whilst it's trite I genuinely believe that is the biggest step for many. What followed soon after was that every single one of them made a simple choice:
A) stop drinking alcohol altogether
OR
B) cut down on alcohol
Those who chose B cut down for a while, but within a year or two are back to excessive drinking. Those who chose A... as far as I know are all still sober.
So when the dust has settled a bit, if there is any desire to resurrect the relationship or for her to be involved with your daughter, I'd suggest that a plan to stop drinking completely must be on the cards. I've heard that hypnotherapy is a good accompaniment to self-control... apparently it's best not to think of the "hypno" part, but regard it more as reprogramming the way they thought of booze, to shift the balance of pros and cons very much towards the cons. So if they're offered a drink the thought process is along the lines of "well, I suppose I could have a glass of wine like my friends... but then I'll end up drinking several bottles of the stuff and eventually unemployed with yellowing eyes and my wife will leave me. Nope, I'll have a lime and soda."
By the time they confided in me, they were already at the point where they had realised for themselves their drinking was a problem, and whilst it's trite I genuinely believe that is the biggest step for many. What followed soon after was that every single one of them made a simple choice:
A) stop drinking alcohol altogether
OR
B) cut down on alcohol
Those who chose B cut down for a while, but within a year or two are back to excessive drinking. Those who chose A... as far as I know are all still sober.
So when the dust has settled a bit, if there is any desire to resurrect the relationship or for her to be involved with your daughter, I'd suggest that a plan to stop drinking completely must be on the cards. I've heard that hypnotherapy is a good accompaniment to self-control... apparently it's best not to think of the "hypno" part, but regard it more as reprogramming the way they thought of booze, to shift the balance of pros and cons very much towards the cons. So if they're offered a drink the thought process is along the lines of "well, I suppose I could have a glass of wine like my friends... but then I'll end up drinking several bottles of the stuff and eventually unemployed with yellowing eyes and my wife will leave me. Nope, I'll have a lime and soda."
No comment on the legal side of things, but OP have a look for your local Al-anon group. https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
donkmeister said:
Whilst I can't offer any advice on the legal/custody side of things, in the last 15 years I have had more experience of alcohol issues with friends, family and colleagues than I ever thought I would. I should explain I'm no professional in the field, but most of my friends and colleagues know that my dad is a recovering alcoholic due to the effects it had on my work and personal life at the time, and TBH that experience gave me what I describe as "a healthy fear of alcoholism".
By the time they confided in me, they were already at the point where they had realised for themselves their drinking was a problem, and whilst it's trite I genuinely believe that is the biggest step for many. What followed soon after was that every single one of them made a simple choice:
A) stop drinking alcohol altogether
OR
B) cut down on alcohol
Those who chose B cut down for a while, but within a year or two are back to excessive drinking. Those who chose A... as far as I know are all still sober.
So when the dust has settled a bit, if there is any desire to resurrect the relationship or for her to be involved with your daughter, I'd suggest that a plan to stop drinking completely must be on the cards. I've heard that hypnotherapy is a good accompaniment to self-control... apparently it's best not to think of the "hypno" part, but regard it more as reprogramming the way they thought of booze, to shift the balance of pros and cons very much towards the cons. So if they're offered a drink the thought process is along the lines of "well, I suppose I could have a glass of wine like my friends... but then I'll end up drinking several bottles of the stuff and eventually unemployed with yellowing eyes and my wife will leave me. Nope, I'll have a lime and soda."
In my experience, once there has been a problem with alcohol it is extremely unlikely that control is a feasible option. Alcohol weakens ones resolve and it's just easier to stay stopped all together. I always encourage my clients to go with total abstinence, although I do find it's better when they come to that conclusion themselves. Unfortunately though, there is risk involved with their still drinking until they reach that point. Alcohol is awful stuff (for those that suffer from addiction) and incredibly destructive both physically and mentally. People can and do recover though. They just have to reach a point where they can be honest about their drinking and committed to doing whatever is needed to recover.By the time they confided in me, they were already at the point where they had realised for themselves their drinking was a problem, and whilst it's trite I genuinely believe that is the biggest step for many. What followed soon after was that every single one of them made a simple choice:
A) stop drinking alcohol altogether
OR
B) cut down on alcohol
Those who chose B cut down for a while, but within a year or two are back to excessive drinking. Those who chose A... as far as I know are all still sober.
So when the dust has settled a bit, if there is any desire to resurrect the relationship or for her to be involved with your daughter, I'd suggest that a plan to stop drinking completely must be on the cards. I've heard that hypnotherapy is a good accompaniment to self-control... apparently it's best not to think of the "hypno" part, but regard it more as reprogramming the way they thought of booze, to shift the balance of pros and cons very much towards the cons. So if they're offered a drink the thought process is along the lines of "well, I suppose I could have a glass of wine like my friends... but then I'll end up drinking several bottles of the stuff and eventually unemployed with yellowing eyes and my wife will leave me. Nope, I'll have a lime and soda."
ChrisnChris said:
ask1ngforafriend said:
my daughter being taken abroad with nothing I can do to stop it.
Where might she be be taken to?
At the moment I can just about handle staying here.
You make it sound as if "here" is a transient place... is it?Where might she be be taken to?
At the moment I can just about handle staying here.
I’m not sure what you mean about my home being transient. Perhaps I could have worded it better I meant “here” as in being in this relationship, living with her in this house.
OP, I can if you wish recommend some lawyers who work in this field. You need a specialist, not a random High Street lawyer.
I have had some experience of living with an alcoholic. It is a hard thing to do. Luckily no small child was involved in that situation.
This sculpture below is called "First the man takes the drink, then the drink takes the man". An Irish saying, and it applies to women too, of course.
BTW, ignore the standard issue PH misogynists who claim that the courts are biased against fathers.
I have had some experience of living with an alcoholic. It is a hard thing to do. Luckily no small child was involved in that situation.
This sculpture below is called "First the man takes the drink, then the drink takes the man". An Irish saying, and it applies to women too, of course.
BTW, ignore the standard issue PH misogynists who claim that the courts are biased against fathers.
Edited by anonymous-user on Saturday 23 January 10:16
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