Discussion
Dave,
got close to this with my SO. It ended up with the outright "Do you want a divorce?". The time had come to p**s or get of the pot, and told her either we walk away, or we make it work, but that day was the turning point.
Not gonna pretend it is easy, or even loads better, but at least we both have faith that we still want to try, rather than try and second guess what the other is thinking.
IMHO the secret is communication, even of you have to force the other, and yourself, to do it. Make it worth the effort.
Your mileage may vary, always read the label, shares may go up as well as down, objects in the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they seem, your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it.
got close to this with my SO. It ended up with the outright "Do you want a divorce?". The time had come to p**s or get of the pot, and told her either we walk away, or we make it work, but that day was the turning point.
Not gonna pretend it is easy, or even loads better, but at least we both have faith that we still want to try, rather than try and second guess what the other is thinking.
IMHO the secret is communication, even of you have to force the other, and yourself, to do it. Make it worth the effort.
Your mileage may vary, always read the label, shares may go up as well as down, objects in the rear-view mirror may appear closer than they seem, your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it.
just dave said:
My wife wants a divorce. Seems like we don't have much to say to each other. Her words about me, "you spend all your time and your words on the forum and there isn't anything left." I guess this is what happens if you don't share any of the same interests.
Dave
Both read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Just because it is popular does not mean it is wrong.
los angeles said:Good words LA
Begin by asking questions, and listening. Be patient, be non-judgemental, be caring. Don't just hear, listen, listen, listen. We have but one life and few chances at happiness.
LA
All I'd add to it is that whilst what you have with your current partner is almost certainly worth trying to salvage, don't run away with the idea that you'll never find happiness with anyone else.
Having been on the receiving end of a wife who walked out after 13 years, I felt like this for about 3 days.
Never looked back since.
If it comes to it (and I hope that it does not), then please look at it as the start of the rest of your life.
just dave said:
Her words about me, "you spend all your time and your words on the forum and there isn't anything left."
With that statement in mind, I wonder how she would feel about you posting this on here?
Maybe what you ought to do is have a chat with a good mate that knows you both well and pull the plug on this for a while to show her that you have actually listened to what she has said to you.
When was the last time you actually did something to make her feel special.
A hug when you walk in the door?
A kiss when she serves your tea?
Flowers from the Garden?
Seems to me that the fact she's said that means she's looking for action.
I've posted similar comments about a year ago. I had to remind myself why I married her and what promises I'd made 15 years ago pre kids pre mortgage pre money worries, pre sacking, etc etc.
Recently I've started writing a daily diary about my and her emotions. It has helped me to understand the things that affect both me and her.
Had some moaning and Nagging last night and usually I'd get all stroppy, but for the first time I actually stayed in the room and talked.
Divorse would be TOO easy !!!
A hug when you walk in the door?
A kiss when she serves your tea?
Flowers from the Garden?
Seems to me that the fact she's said that means she's looking for action.
I've posted similar comments about a year ago. I had to remind myself why I married her and what promises I'd made 15 years ago pre kids pre mortgage pre money worries, pre sacking, etc etc.
Recently I've started writing a daily diary about my and her emotions. It has helped me to understand the things that affect both me and her.
Had some moaning and Nagging last night and usually I'd get all stroppy, but for the first time I actually stayed in the room and talked.
Divorse would be TOO easy !!!
If there are kids, then yeah...work at it.
If there arn't then
it....life is too short to be spending it in a fractured marriage. Walk away, other wimmin will love ya and you'll love them.
Sorry to be blunt but she's just "the person you're living" with and there are billions of others out there.
>> Edited by cazzer on Tuesday 22 February 09:39
>> Edited by cazzer on Tuesday 22 February 09:40
If there arn't then
it....life is too short to be spending it in a fractured marriage. Walk away, other wimmin will love ya and you'll love them. Sorry to be blunt but she's just "the person you're living" with and there are billions of others out there.
>> Edited by cazzer on Tuesday 22 February 09:39
>> Edited by cazzer on Tuesday 22 February 09:40
Hi.
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
There are others with far wiser words and more experiance of this type of situation than I but fwiw:-
take next week off and ask her to do the same. Get in the car and head off to Pissmo Beach or something. Spend a week with just the two of you together. Leave the mobiles at home. If you have kids you might not be able to do this but try as far as you can.
Just the two of you together of a week with no other distractions at all. go see the sights, Hurst castle etc. Hell even fly off somewhere.
Get talking again discuss what you are both really interested in. Money may be tight be sometimes you have to say hell to it. at the end of the day in CA a divorce is going to cost you a packet and there must have been something good to get you both togther in the first place.
As Greg says if it doesn't work out at least you know you gave it your best and that there are always new experiances to be had.
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
There are others with far wiser words and more experiance of this type of situation than I but fwiw:-
take next week off and ask her to do the same. Get in the car and head off to Pissmo Beach or something. Spend a week with just the two of you together. Leave the mobiles at home. If you have kids you might not be able to do this but try as far as you can.
Just the two of you together of a week with no other distractions at all. go see the sights, Hurst castle etc. Hell even fly off somewhere.
Get talking again discuss what you are both really interested in. Money may be tight be sometimes you have to say hell to it. at the end of the day in CA a divorce is going to cost you a packet and there must have been something good to get you both togther in the first place.
As Greg says if it doesn't work out at least you know you gave it your best and that there are always new experiances to be had.
Lots of very good advice on here.
I agree, life is too short, but these things have to be worked on. If there are kids, then work at it even harder, but don't live a lie and keep together just for the kids, they will grow to understand.
Life is too short, but conversely the grass is always greener......
>> Edited by silverback mike on Tuesday 22 February 10:12
I agree, life is too short, but these things have to be worked on. If there are kids, then work at it even harder, but don't live a lie and keep together just for the kids, they will grow to understand.
Life is too short, but conversely the grass is always greener......
>> Edited by silverback mike on Tuesday 22 February 10:12
Work at resolution as hard as you can.
Listen, listen and listen some more
Keep blame out of it at all costs
If it comes to that sad day when you both accept that you've reached the end of the road, do so knowing in your hearts and souls that you did everything humanly possible to make it work
I did none of these things. whilst I don't believe in looking backward and that good comes out of every experience, the failure of my marriage is one thing that, 3 1/2 years on, I regret every day of my life.....
Bon Chance
>> Edited by clapham993 on Tuesday 22 February 13:20
Listen, listen and listen some more
Keep blame out of it at all costs
If it comes to that sad day when you both accept that you've reached the end of the road, do so knowing in your hearts and souls that you did everything humanly possible to make it work
I did none of these things. whilst I don't believe in looking backward and that good comes out of every experience, the failure of my marriage is one thing that, 3 1/2 years on, I regret every day of my life.....
Bon Chance
>> Edited by clapham993 on Tuesday 22 February 13:20
One thing I learnt the hard way (and too late to save the marriage) was that compromise is needed and it needs to be a two way street.
It needs to be shared and both sides need to feel that they benefit equally from it.
Of course, as stated above, you need to talk about what the real problems are and don't get hung up about geting external help if you find you and your wife unable to either talk freely or are unable to find the root cause. Sometimes it's hard to be open, particularly is there's a parrten built up of not communicating.
Hope it works out well.
It needs to be shared and both sides need to feel that they benefit equally from it.
Of course, as stated above, you need to talk about what the real problems are and don't get hung up about geting external help if you find you and your wife unable to either talk freely or are unable to find the root cause. Sometimes it's hard to be open, particularly is there's a parrten built up of not communicating.
Hope it works out well.
vixpy1 said:
Do you still love her? Does she still love you?
If the answer is yes to both of those, then get off your feet, and fight for your marrige!
Ah, but Vixpy, love becomes so much more indistinguishable (oh - for a better word!) when two people are with each other for a long time. So many other factors come into play, that often the concept of love is nigh-on obscured completely.
Hi Dave. I am so sorry to read this news. All I can say is that all the above advice sounds pretty good. I hope that the two of you manage to have an amicable sparation and enjoy fond memories of all the happy times that you have shared. Best wishes for future happiness, for you both, whatever the outcome should be.
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