Responsillity to a step child when you are separated

[The Excession]

Here's a tricky one.

We were together for four years, and have a two half year old son by blood. My son is my life as they say. I've got access to him from Friday evening to usually Monday morning, though given the chance I'd have him 24/7 - that's not pratical though and generally I try to keep him for as long as possible .

However, my ex has a 10yr child from a previous marriage. This lad is suffering from the fact that I'm not around now. And I have to be totally honest and say that I don't really click with this young lad, and I find it far easier to connect with my blood son. Let's not forget that I've spent a lot of time with the 10yr old, in fact I'd defend the position of being te one that taught him to read. I've met a few kids of that age (just turned seven) that couldn't read and know how sickeing that is to witness.

Things are very different with my blood son.

So to a bit of a problem...

I've found out that the blood father of the 10 year old has done a runner, to Germany, and won't pay anything more towards his (3) kid(s - read on). That runner involves leaving behind two more kids from another (later) relationship, both of which are really young as they were only born in the last four years.

So I'm left with a poor 10yr old that has lost his blood father and also lost his mentor.

A few concerns are that invariably when this lad went to visit his father I would pay for the flights and it seemed that even when he was there all he did was watch TV and eat junk food. You know anything to 'keep him quiet and out of the way'. It seemes his step mother (as of then) was the one that tried to make sure he was ok.

Seriously though folks, having now got my one and only son, my Company just folded, I'm unemployed, I'm skint, owe a small fortune in debt, very unsure or where I'm going at the moment - well all of a sudden I'm Dole Scum.

So this weekend myself and the little fella wil be planting the seeds I bought so we'll have something to eat in a few months, but the real question remains.

What the hell do I do about a poor 10yr old lad that has been abandoned by his father, essentially left behind by his step Dad (Me). Part of me wants little to do with him. Hell (Lisa - my ex - are you reading this?) all he wants to do is watch T.V. about fking time he learnt something else.... like reading a fvcking book... ahhhh but he's only ten.

As I've posted on a few threads on PH, when it comes to my little lad Josh, there is no TV in our house, I got computers and obviously an Internet connection, we watch you-tube vide, we play DVDs, in fact at two and a halh he has almost mastered solitaire and can type his name into wordpad....

So what the fk do I do about a ten year old that I'm supposed to be responsible for?

Sorry for this long post but a few ideas short of 'bust his back doors in' would be appreciated.

(and NO - I didn't preview this so any typos/grammer atttacks with have to stand)

[Hammerwerfer]

Sorry to hear about your financial difficulties.

One option you might look into is adopting the kid, once you are back o your feet.

[Eric Mc]

I'm pretty sure you have no legal obligations - although you may feel you have some moral ones.

[Sciroccology]

The Excession said:

So what the fk do I do about a ten year old that I'm supposed to be responsible for?

Why are you "supposed" to be responsible for him? You're not; he's not your son. You've said you really don't want much to do with him, so don't. Leave him to his mother - the feckless father is her problem now. Concentrate on your own son.

[HRG]

What does the lad want? I can't see a problem being a mentor/friend for him if he wants it, he's done nowt wrong after all. If you're OK with it then why not give it a shot?

And if I can ever put any work your way I will...

[Piglet]

Eric Mc said:

I'm pretty sure you have no legal obligations - although you may feel you have some moral ones.

I'd agree with this.

Sorry things are tough for you financially, well done to you for feeling bad about the older lad, plenty of people would just walk away and it sounds like your lad has a good Dad.

Could you involve the older lad in things you do sometimes?

Good luck, hope life works out for you.

[Shaw Tarse]

Eric Mc said:

I'm pretty sure you have no legal obligations - although you may feel you have some moral ones.

I'd say eric is right here.
Now phone Jeremy Kyle you dole dossing missfit!

[Hammer67]

bks to the legal situation. Do what your instincts tell you is right which will result in you being able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror.

[b19rak]

Follow your heart mate. If you want to do right by this kid then im sure you will be a better person for it.

If you do not then cut your ties as you will not be doing him any favours.

[Amused2death]

What about having the older one stay with you once a month for the weekend? All children need decent role models, both male and female, and you at least seem to have a conscience as far this lads future welfare is concerned. I appreciate he isn't yours, but then foster parents care for kids that aren't their own, and do it purely for altruistic reasons. No reason why you couldn't do the same, assuming the mother is happy for you to have this involvement in his life.

All children deserve the best chance they can be given, and between you and his mother it could be possible. You may not get much thanks for it in the years to come, but then when the lad is older, you may find you take on the role of a good older friend rather than a surrogate father, and you never know, he may return the favour when you are old and decrepid, and be involved in helping you along.

[LMC]

I'll be brief...the lad's 10 years old, and until you came along 4 years ago he was probably never really in a stable household. He'll get over you not being there sooner than you would imagine. My Dad died when I was 11 and, well I got over it pretty quick (it has surprised me for years just how well I coped and carried on). Now obviously your situation is that you will see this boy again, so in that sense it's very different.

I would play it low key. Don't get too involved, but remember the "dates" ie make sure you get him an Easter egg, birthday card and such. Take a step back, like a decent uncle or something.

By the sound of it you've got a lot more personal problems that simply must override this one. The 1st priority isn't the 10 year old or even your own little one, but yourself and your circumstances. Once you concentrate on those and get back on level ground, things will improve in all areas.

I hope so, feel for you mate.

[The Excession]

Hammerwerfer said:

Sorry to hear about your financial difficulties.

One option you might look into is adopting the kid, once you are back o your feet.

I think you missed the bit where I said 'I particularly don't get on very well with him'.

He's been fed satellite TV as a baby sitter for most of his life. For the time with me 'go read a book' was seen as a punishment and not a good thing to do.

Whilst I feel sorry for him I'm struggling to come to terms withthe fact that his birth father evidently wants nothing to do with him, yet at the same time whilst I know this kid needs some support, the raltionship I have with my son is very different to to the relationship I have with him.... i.e. I was shocked when me and his mum first met and I said I'll take him to the science museum in London, only to discover he couldn't read... he was seven then.

So my problem is that, as I'm sure some of you will understand, having a 2 year old in tow is one issue, but if I really take on a completely unmotivated 10yr as well it is very difficult to satisfy them both.

My time with MY son is very precious, do I really need a (poor fella) fvcked up 10 year old in tow?

And, this is me being toatally honest, I really don't get on with him that well... oh gosh there are two more teenage kids to mention as well, I'll save that for a later time, what the hell have I done?

[Swilly]

From reading your own post, it's clear you already know what you have to do...

A bit of you doesn't want to, understandable.

But nevertheless you know...

[The Excession]

Eric Mc said:

I'm pretty sure you have no legal obligations - although you may feel you have some moral ones.

That's easy to say, but what does it mean in real-life terms?

Legally nothing.... ahh morals... where would we be without morals?

I'm really struggling to get to grips with this.

Sure no one wants to see a young lad left on his own, but at the same time I'm not sure I should be picking up the pieces of a 'Harry Flashman type cock flange interface scenario'.

But look at it from the 10yr old's perspective, big man came into his life, taught him ABC-XYZ and even the paradox of the square root of minus one.

Honestly Eric, what the fvck am I supposed to do? Espessially [sic] as his Mum has told him that his real Dad apears to want little to do with him, and to be quite frank about it, I don't want anything to do with him either. That's a horrible thing to say but it's simly the truth.

Put yourself in his shoes. how the hell must that feel for him?

[Swilly]

The Excession said:

Eric Mc said:

I'm pretty sure you have no legal obligations - although you may feel you have some moral ones.

That's easy to say, but what does it mean in real-life terms?

Legally nothing.... ahh morals... where would we be without morals?

I'm really struggling to get to grips with this.

Sure no one wants to see a young lad left on his own, but at the same time I'm not sure I should be picking up the pieces of a 'Harry Flashman type cock flange interface scenario'.

But look at it from the 10yr old's perspective, big man came into his life, taught him ABC-XYZ and even the paradox of the square root of minus one.

Honestly Eric, what the fvck am I supposed to do? Espessially [sic] as his Mum has told him that his real Dad apears to want little to do with him, and to be quite frank about it, I don't want anything to do with him either. That's a horrible thing to say but it's simly the truth.

Put yourself in his shoes. how the hell must that feel for him?

Thing is your son is his half-brother.

As long as you are in your son's life, you are going to be in his half-brother's life in some way... even if it is just to turn up, pick your son up and leave.

Your facing a decade or three of wondering "did i do the right thing?" as you see your son grow up and this other kid... and comparing them and the chances the adults in their lifes gave them !!

[The Excession]

Sciroccology said:

The Excession said:

So what the fk do I do about a ten year old that I'm supposed to be responsible for?

Why are you "supposed" to be responsible for him? You're not; he's not your son. You've said you really don't want much to do with him, so don't. Leave him to his mother - the feckless father is her problem now. Concentrate on your own son.

I'm sure you might be (are likely) right..... but he (the ten year old) is really confused about all of this. He's seen me 'kick them out' - well that's the way mother will teach it, and now his 'real' dad has done a runer too.

Arghhhh, I've kept him watered, fed, clothed and in school for the last few years, father contributed zilch. I'm not really bothered by that, I'm more bothred that I can't do that anymore and also the fact that to be honest I reall don't get on with him anymore...

Gosh what a mesh.

[Brown and Boris]

Simple for me to say but how much hassel would it be to take him to the park onmce in a while, watch the footy on the rec on a Sunady morning for a few hours, takle him to the library? Unless Lisa is very anti I would have thought the fact you want to give him something to hang on to wouldn't be too much before handing on the baton to the next man in the lads life?

My brother in law (BiL) saw a girl for about 3 years. They didn't live together but he was very fond of her kids (he had them for days on end in the holidays). Their father cleared off and when he did come back just made their lives miserable. BiL still helps them with homework (he is a teacher), buys them birthday pressies, has then for a few hours if her Mum can't have them, takes them to McDonalds etc. When they are at her aunties they often ask to go and see him and the aunty pops them down to his house. The ex GF seems cool with it and he knows he will have to take a back seat if she gets a bloke who doesn't want her/them to have any contact. In fact one of the little girls the other day said he'd have made the best Daddy they had ever had, if Mummy hadn't been such a mad bh ( Ok, I added that last bit)..

[Fittster]

If you do turn your back on him he's likely to take his frustrations out on your son.

[Sciroccology]

The Excession said:

Sciroccology said:

The Excession said:

So what the fk do I do about a ten year old that I'm supposed to be responsible for?

Why are you "supposed" to be responsible for him? You're not; he's not your son. You've said you really don't want much to do with him, so don't. Leave him to his mother - the feckless father is her problem now. Concentrate on your own son.

I'm sure you might be (are likely) right..... but he (the ten year old) is really confused about all of this. He's seen me 'kick them out' - well that's the way mother will teach it, and now his 'real' dad has done a runer too.

Arghhhh, I've kept him watered, fed, clothed and in school for the last few years, father contributed zilch. I'm not really bothered by that, I'm more bothred that I can't do that anymore and also the fact that to be honest I reall don't get on with him anymore...

Gosh what a mesh.

It is a mess mate, and I do sympathise. My slightly cynical point of view comes from the fact that my second wife kicked me out and then, when she found out I'd taken up with a new lady, decided to threaten to get the CSA involved and make me responsible for her son, who was nine years old when I met him (so, clearly, not mine).

I understand that you have "been there" for this kid, but I really do think it's time to move on, especially since you've made it clear that your heart's not in it. Like I said, concentrate on your own and make sure he doesn't turn out like the other one when he's 10 years old.

[Zen.]

In UK law, he would be considered a child of the family as you were married, so you could ask for access, equally she could ask for maintenance, both of which could be challenged in the courts.

What do you want to do?

Is the sibling relationship important?

Maybe a commitment to once a month, rather than the every weekend you have with Josh, will allow you stepson a chance to experience a different style of living, give you a chance to bring something constructive to his life and give Josh access to his half brother until his old enough to make his own choices.

I think I've changed my email and not updated you, will do it via PM.