Discussion
OK, sorry this is going to be a long one. Over the last three months I have been using the "net send" command to deliver comedy horoscopes to twenty or so people at work. These people are in different offices all over the site and don't know it's me. They get different horoscopes to each other so I've had to keep a spreadsheet of who got what. I've finally stopped and now I have no use for the horoscopes I thought that some of you guys might appriciate them...
#Your lucky colour today is pink. Beware saucepans and fat men. Although things seem bad today you should try to relax as tomorrow will be significantly worse.
#Someone close to you needs a slap and you are the man to do it. Beware spoons and women with greasy skin.
#Every decision you make today will be wrong.
#Today will be the most boring day of your life so far. Try to stay awake as you may have a conversation about someone else's health problems later.
#You smell. Try washing as the effect of the pheromones is distracting every woman in your life..
#You feel calm and in control today. Don't let this fool you, everything is going wrong and you are to blame.
#Today you are feeling skeptical, try not to believe horoscopes or any other hippy crap.
#Take comfort in the knowledge that all good things come to an end. Your looks, career and love life will endure forever.
#Be careful to whom you speak to this week. Not everyone is what they seem, especially two-headed dwarf like people with small hands that smell like cabbage.
#You are feeling sleepy, very very sleepy. When you awake you will think you are a chicken and demand to be paid in corn, rather than peanuts.
#Your skidmarks are so bad they show through your jeans. You should take the advice of a stranger, and dig deeper. You will get more dirt.
#As Pluto enters Uranus later this week you will find yourself being butt fuc ked by a big dog.
#This week brings a blockage in your toilet, however you will find happiness as you will have new wives now.
#Your confidence will build towards the end of the week until you find out you co-workers call you "Loser" behind you back. You were an unplanned pregnancy
#There will be a time for grief as Pluto comes into align with Donald. Brace yourself in the coming week as someone is going to tear you a new ass.
#As the moon enters the new phase you will find your palms becoming hairy and you will crave raw meat. Go to the moors and rip the head off a tourist.
#Keep your pet indoors, as there is stormy weather ahead for you. Your rubber pants will start to chaff.
Try to be more flexible and accommodating in your dealings with others. A fisting is on the horizon.
#Today you will be so much more confident than usual that everyone around you will assume that you are on smack.
#Call my hotline to find out why you will spend more money on 0845 numbers, and why a man named Roulle will make you smile.
#With the onset of winter you will find women in your life becoming frigid.
#You will wrestle with a fish, and you will spawn love soon. On the 15th you will be plagued by your own head, which you will eat twice.
#Your thoughts will be in reverse until Wednesday; be careful in traffic. Watch out for a long man with a tall suitcase, for he will bring you many feet. The 27th is a good day to give birth.
#For the early part of the month you will catch flies. On Saturdays you may pair with a Vertigo, Phallus, or Brian. The 23rd will bring much luck in the hospital.
#Your life is riddled with unhappiness. You are good for nothing. Kill yourself.
#Your schizophrenic personality will run rife through the middle of the month. You will tie up a bus and knit wolves. Do not go outside on the 12th otherwise you will turn inside out.
#Your transient side is passing through into you inner life. The moon is in opposition with Venus, so this is a good time for breaking relationships and dissolving marriages. Give up your job and burn your house down.
#As a water sign you will swallow your own body weight in urine before sunrise. You will learn to glow gold and rotate silently. Buy a large spherical bowl.
#Next Sunday you will be unlucky with a knitting-needle. On the 8th you will forget your mother's birthday. By the 12th you will be alcoholic.
#There will be a favorable exchange of bodily fluids on the Sabbath. When Venus is in unison with Mars then the blind woman will cry out in ecstasy.
#Jupiter is moving into your living room on the 16th. There will be much jubilation on Saturday, but this will be short lived for the great toad will croak lies and the egg of truth will be crushed.
#Cooking and rodent-taxidermy matters will be the primary themes this month. It is time to pickle your hat collection and invest in pork futures.
#Stop doing that or your fingers will turn necrotic. You know what I mean.
#As the weather turns later so will your fortunes, except in the case of the plastic bag full of maggots and your public humiliation.
#A dreadful secret about a co-worker haunts you. Get it off your chest and tell the world. No one likes him anyway. Beware unnatural insertions
#You will find happiness later today and you will remain happy for the rest of your life. You will become to irritating to associate with and all your close friends will drift away.
#You must resist the urge to shave your hair as the moles on the back of your head are in the shape of a naked lady. Today is a lucky day to buy spoons, but not napkins.
#You are attractive, popular, respected and will never be capable of truly believing any of it. You will become increasingly self conscious until you loose your mind. Buy a hat to cover those ears.
#Follow the white rabbit.
#Try to learn from your parents mistakes, contraception or abstinence are your only hope. Your personality will aid you quest to remain childless. Check your finances - the errors are all in your favour.
#You are being secretly filmed for a docusoap - pick a fight with the most important person in your life to ensure you do not get voted out. Try to smile more in the toilet.
#Do not relax - they know what you have done and are biding their time. A woman with a hairy chin will bring you luck at midnight.
#You are special and unique, but not in any interesting or useful ways. Stay in the background and remain obscure as better people deserve the limelight.
#This late stage is no time for regrets. The discussion is wrong but you must live with it now. Try not to take out your anger on your family - it's better to find a stranger and beat them to a pulp
#A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat - these lyrics are the reason for your uncle's strange behaviour. Learn to be grateful for the chocolate and forgive the horrors of the past.
#Despite their cold reaction to you your co-workers do understand the pressure you are under. Unfortunately none of them like you very much. Buy an Uzi and take up drive bys as a hobby.
#Today will bring disappointment however you will find this satisfying, as being down turns you on. To avoid discomfort, do not wear tight pants.
#A new friend will enter your life in the form of a sock. Look after Mr. Sock and the scary monsters with the large teeth won't crawl under your skin and make faces at you.
#As all planets in our Solar System align, you will realise that this entire planet aligning mystical crap means nothing. You will start to crave your own thighbone, turn inside out and realise the world is about to be crushed by 8 planets and big star.
#May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the colon of your lover. Beware the man with wide thumbs as he means you no good.
#Later today will come confirmation that you have succeeded in your life goals and you will find that all your financial affairs are now in order. Today is a good day to die - avoid investments that won't benefit your estate.
#You will find comfort in knowing that everyone is thinking about you. You don't find it comfortable however in knowing that everyone is thinking of killing you. Go to the gym, you are getting fat.
#Do not listen to other people's harsh advice about your weight, you fat little stumpy runt.
#Neptune's' alignment with Venus will bring you a new love. Be sure not to go outdoors with your new love, as the general public don't take kindly to bestiality.
#You have the morals and toilet habits of a domestic cat without the charm and cute face. Console yourself with the fact that washing your hair in your own spit is saving you money on shampoo
#Don't step on the cracks in the pavement or the bears will get you.
#Today's lucky items - chairs, tulips, helicopters, people carrying small children, baskets and photographs. Todays unlucky items - a strangers fist and your face.
#Generous, amiable, considerate, thoughtful and kind. These are the personality traits which are stopping you getting any action. Try to be evil and manipulative.
#Avoid taking any mystical advice and just stick to the obvious stuff - be careful and think things through before you do anything stupid. Oh, and avoid left hand corners until Thursday.
#Today you will feel confident, daring, sexy and outragous - all because you forgot your pants this morning.
#Today will bring disappointment with the failure of a domestic cleaning device. Console yourself by sniffing other peoples dirty pants in the launderette
#You should finally surcum to the temptation of petty pilfering from your local shop. Justice will prevail and you will be taught a valuable lesson by an unking guard in the prison showers.
#Today's lucky item is a tight knit woolen sweater. As you are not a tight knit woolen sweater you will have bad luck. Avoid crossing the path of any form of public transport
#Today is a good day for shrugging of old habits and changing your life for the better. The Police are on to you and have already caught the rest of the gang.
#With luck everything you try today will come off perfectly, unfortunately today you have no luck and you will screw everything up and look stupid.
#Got to the dentist without fear, and bite his finger hard. This is no time to let things drift. Minty.
#Take the bull by the horns and make hay. Do not accept the surprising offer from your dealer.
#Take the next left, then straight on over the bridge, right at the lights, past the ugly building on the corner and take the second left. This is where you will have your crash - be careful. A blue hair brush will be lucky for you today.
#The doctors unusual examination is not connected to your ailment, grab your cloths and run away. Dirty.
#With the waning of Jupiter you will find new energy, go for a run and steal a toaster.
#You find yourself being affected by the tides. Face only East or West or you will find your legs are different lengths
#I see dead people - they tell me that you have been bad, but in interesting ways, so they will never stop watching you.
#Try to be nice to those who dislike you today as they are plotting to give you a wedgie and this may put them off. An old tissue will bring you chaos later.
#Happiness is merely the absence of depression and a simple change of viewpoint of which you are, sadly, incapable. Sell your body.
#A one armed man has an intriguing offer. Don't pull his leg.
#An unexpected calm will befall you today which is entirely at odds with the chaos around you. This is because you are a nutter.
#Fixate on someone close to you who is successful. If you remove their face and tape it over yours you will gain a useful insight in to their life
#a friend will slight you in an insignificant way. Beat him again and again and again until the spade is broken.
#Nothing you plan will ever come to anything, give up you big loser.
#Your friends think you are stupid - pay attention to them for they are not wrong. A burnt piece of toast will bring discomfort
#You have no future. Give it all up and become a tramp - you smell of pee already and drinking Meths could only improve your breath.
#You wouldn't understand today's prediction - lets face it, you're not too bright are you?
#The discovery of a toenail in your lunch will lead to the production of a surprising quantity of vomit. Try not to get any on your shoes.
#Today will bring a surprise encounter with an old friend which will improve your financial situation and amend your problematic social situation. Or at least it would if you didn't miss it because you have to rush to the toilets due to an explosive bowel movement.
#Today your dreams will come true: you will run naked through the streets as people laugh at you and then you will begin an endless fall where you will scream and scream and scream…
#An unusually long armpit hair signals a change in lifestyle - time to stop being a smelly old tramp and really let yourself go. A white dog poo will bring you luck.
#A big knuckled woman brings discomfort. Beware medical equipment and putty - there are things that no man should meddle with.
#A man with yellow teeth will surprise you with his affection. A left handed dog brings you misery and the smell of wet fur.
#Your professional life is clearly influenced by your father, as is your habit of blowing strangers in public toilets.
#Those around you will buckle with laughter. To find out why, call 0845 UGLYHEAD, you freak.
#You know the rumours are wrong - you can not be the product of incest if you mother used a turkey baster to inseminate her self with your uncles love custard - but you must still live with the shame. Dirty.
#Resign to the fact that you are ugly. Even when Saturn's moons are in line and in conjunction with Alpha Centuri's local orbit, you still ming like a bit ch.
#Your life is entering a surprising phase. One of your most respected colleagues will confide in you that you are the reason he has to creep to the office toilet three times a day to choke his chief.
#Your lucky colour today is pink. Beware saucepans and fat men. Although things seem bad today you should try to relax as tomorrow will be significantly worse.
#Someone close to you needs a slap and you are the man to do it. Beware spoons and women with greasy skin.
#Every decision you make today will be wrong.
#Today will be the most boring day of your life so far. Try to stay awake as you may have a conversation about someone else's health problems later.
#You smell. Try washing as the effect of the pheromones is distracting every woman in your life..
#You feel calm and in control today. Don't let this fool you, everything is going wrong and you are to blame.
#Today you are feeling skeptical, try not to believe horoscopes or any other hippy crap.
#Take comfort in the knowledge that all good things come to an end. Your looks, career and love life will endure forever.
#Be careful to whom you speak to this week. Not everyone is what they seem, especially two-headed dwarf like people with small hands that smell like cabbage.
#You are feeling sleepy, very very sleepy. When you awake you will think you are a chicken and demand to be paid in corn, rather than peanuts.
#Your skidmarks are so bad they show through your jeans. You should take the advice of a stranger, and dig deeper. You will get more dirt.
#As Pluto enters Uranus later this week you will find yourself being butt fuc ked by a big dog.
#This week brings a blockage in your toilet, however you will find happiness as you will have new wives now.
#Your confidence will build towards the end of the week until you find out you co-workers call you "Loser" behind you back. You were an unplanned pregnancy
#There will be a time for grief as Pluto comes into align with Donald. Brace yourself in the coming week as someone is going to tear you a new ass.
#As the moon enters the new phase you will find your palms becoming hairy and you will crave raw meat. Go to the moors and rip the head off a tourist.
#Keep your pet indoors, as there is stormy weather ahead for you. Your rubber pants will start to chaff.
Try to be more flexible and accommodating in your dealings with others. A fisting is on the horizon.
#Today you will be so much more confident than usual that everyone around you will assume that you are on smack.
#Call my hotline to find out why you will spend more money on 0845 numbers, and why a man named Roulle will make you smile.
#With the onset of winter you will find women in your life becoming frigid.
#You will wrestle with a fish, and you will spawn love soon. On the 15th you will be plagued by your own head, which you will eat twice.
#Your thoughts will be in reverse until Wednesday; be careful in traffic. Watch out for a long man with a tall suitcase, for he will bring you many feet. The 27th is a good day to give birth.
#For the early part of the month you will catch flies. On Saturdays you may pair with a Vertigo, Phallus, or Brian. The 23rd will bring much luck in the hospital.
#Your life is riddled with unhappiness. You are good for nothing. Kill yourself.
#Your schizophrenic personality will run rife through the middle of the month. You will tie up a bus and knit wolves. Do not go outside on the 12th otherwise you will turn inside out.
#Your transient side is passing through into you inner life. The moon is in opposition with Venus, so this is a good time for breaking relationships and dissolving marriages. Give up your job and burn your house down.
#As a water sign you will swallow your own body weight in urine before sunrise. You will learn to glow gold and rotate silently. Buy a large spherical bowl.
#Next Sunday you will be unlucky with a knitting-needle. On the 8th you will forget your mother's birthday. By the 12th you will be alcoholic.
#There will be a favorable exchange of bodily fluids on the Sabbath. When Venus is in unison with Mars then the blind woman will cry out in ecstasy.
#Jupiter is moving into your living room on the 16th. There will be much jubilation on Saturday, but this will be short lived for the great toad will croak lies and the egg of truth will be crushed.
#Cooking and rodent-taxidermy matters will be the primary themes this month. It is time to pickle your hat collection and invest in pork futures.
#Stop doing that or your fingers will turn necrotic. You know what I mean.
#As the weather turns later so will your fortunes, except in the case of the plastic bag full of maggots and your public humiliation.
#A dreadful secret about a co-worker haunts you. Get it off your chest and tell the world. No one likes him anyway. Beware unnatural insertions
#You will find happiness later today and you will remain happy for the rest of your life. You will become to irritating to associate with and all your close friends will drift away.
#You must resist the urge to shave your hair as the moles on the back of your head are in the shape of a naked lady. Today is a lucky day to buy spoons, but not napkins.
#You are attractive, popular, respected and will never be capable of truly believing any of it. You will become increasingly self conscious until you loose your mind. Buy a hat to cover those ears.
#Follow the white rabbit.
#Try to learn from your parents mistakes, contraception or abstinence are your only hope. Your personality will aid you quest to remain childless. Check your finances - the errors are all in your favour.
#You are being secretly filmed for a docusoap - pick a fight with the most important person in your life to ensure you do not get voted out. Try to smile more in the toilet.
#Do not relax - they know what you have done and are biding their time. A woman with a hairy chin will bring you luck at midnight.
#You are special and unique, but not in any interesting or useful ways. Stay in the background and remain obscure as better people deserve the limelight.
#This late stage is no time for regrets. The discussion is wrong but you must live with it now. Try not to take out your anger on your family - it's better to find a stranger and beat them to a pulp
#A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat - these lyrics are the reason for your uncle's strange behaviour. Learn to be grateful for the chocolate and forgive the horrors of the past.
#Despite their cold reaction to you your co-workers do understand the pressure you are under. Unfortunately none of them like you very much. Buy an Uzi and take up drive bys as a hobby.
#Today will bring disappointment however you will find this satisfying, as being down turns you on. To avoid discomfort, do not wear tight pants.
#A new friend will enter your life in the form of a sock. Look after Mr. Sock and the scary monsters with the large teeth won't crawl under your skin and make faces at you.
#As all planets in our Solar System align, you will realise that this entire planet aligning mystical crap means nothing. You will start to crave your own thighbone, turn inside out and realise the world is about to be crushed by 8 planets and big star.
#May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the colon of your lover. Beware the man with wide thumbs as he means you no good.
#Later today will come confirmation that you have succeeded in your life goals and you will find that all your financial affairs are now in order. Today is a good day to die - avoid investments that won't benefit your estate.
#You will find comfort in knowing that everyone is thinking about you. You don't find it comfortable however in knowing that everyone is thinking of killing you. Go to the gym, you are getting fat.
#Do not listen to other people's harsh advice about your weight, you fat little stumpy runt.
#Neptune's' alignment with Venus will bring you a new love. Be sure not to go outdoors with your new love, as the general public don't take kindly to bestiality.
#You have the morals and toilet habits of a domestic cat without the charm and cute face. Console yourself with the fact that washing your hair in your own spit is saving you money on shampoo
#Don't step on the cracks in the pavement or the bears will get you.
#Today's lucky items - chairs, tulips, helicopters, people carrying small children, baskets and photographs. Todays unlucky items - a strangers fist and your face.
#Generous, amiable, considerate, thoughtful and kind. These are the personality traits which are stopping you getting any action. Try to be evil and manipulative.
#Avoid taking any mystical advice and just stick to the obvious stuff - be careful and think things through before you do anything stupid. Oh, and avoid left hand corners until Thursday.
#Today you will feel confident, daring, sexy and outragous - all because you forgot your pants this morning.
#Today will bring disappointment with the failure of a domestic cleaning device. Console yourself by sniffing other peoples dirty pants in the launderette
#You should finally surcum to the temptation of petty pilfering from your local shop. Justice will prevail and you will be taught a valuable lesson by an unking guard in the prison showers.
#Today's lucky item is a tight knit woolen sweater. As you are not a tight knit woolen sweater you will have bad luck. Avoid crossing the path of any form of public transport
#Today is a good day for shrugging of old habits and changing your life for the better. The Police are on to you and have already caught the rest of the gang.
#With luck everything you try today will come off perfectly, unfortunately today you have no luck and you will screw everything up and look stupid.
#Got to the dentist without fear, and bite his finger hard. This is no time to let things drift. Minty.
#Take the bull by the horns and make hay. Do not accept the surprising offer from your dealer.
#Take the next left, then straight on over the bridge, right at the lights, past the ugly building on the corner and take the second left. This is where you will have your crash - be careful. A blue hair brush will be lucky for you today.
#The doctors unusual examination is not connected to your ailment, grab your cloths and run away. Dirty.
#With the waning of Jupiter you will find new energy, go for a run and steal a toaster.
#You find yourself being affected by the tides. Face only East or West or you will find your legs are different lengths
#I see dead people - they tell me that you have been bad, but in interesting ways, so they will never stop watching you.
#Try to be nice to those who dislike you today as they are plotting to give you a wedgie and this may put them off. An old tissue will bring you chaos later.
#Happiness is merely the absence of depression and a simple change of viewpoint of which you are, sadly, incapable. Sell your body.
#A one armed man has an intriguing offer. Don't pull his leg.
#An unexpected calm will befall you today which is entirely at odds with the chaos around you. This is because you are a nutter.
#Fixate on someone close to you who is successful. If you remove their face and tape it over yours you will gain a useful insight in to their life
#a friend will slight you in an insignificant way. Beat him again and again and again until the spade is broken.
#Nothing you plan will ever come to anything, give up you big loser.
#Your friends think you are stupid - pay attention to them for they are not wrong. A burnt piece of toast will bring discomfort
#You have no future. Give it all up and become a tramp - you smell of pee already and drinking Meths could only improve your breath.
#You wouldn't understand today's prediction - lets face it, you're not too bright are you?
#The discovery of a toenail in your lunch will lead to the production of a surprising quantity of vomit. Try not to get any on your shoes.
#Today will bring a surprise encounter with an old friend which will improve your financial situation and amend your problematic social situation. Or at least it would if you didn't miss it because you have to rush to the toilets due to an explosive bowel movement.
#Today your dreams will come true: you will run naked through the streets as people laugh at you and then you will begin an endless fall where you will scream and scream and scream…
#An unusually long armpit hair signals a change in lifestyle - time to stop being a smelly old tramp and really let yourself go. A white dog poo will bring you luck.
#A big knuckled woman brings discomfort. Beware medical equipment and putty - there are things that no man should meddle with.
#A man with yellow teeth will surprise you with his affection. A left handed dog brings you misery and the smell of wet fur.
#Your professional life is clearly influenced by your father, as is your habit of blowing strangers in public toilets.
#Those around you will buckle with laughter. To find out why, call 0845 UGLYHEAD, you freak.
#You know the rumours are wrong - you can not be the product of incest if you mother used a turkey baster to inseminate her self with your uncles love custard - but you must still live with the shame. Dirty.
#Resign to the fact that you are ugly. Even when Saturn's moons are in line and in conjunction with Alpha Centuri's local orbit, you still ming like a bit ch.
#Your life is entering a surprising phase. One of your most respected colleagues will confide in you that you are the reason he has to creep to the office toilet three times a day to choke his chief.
How about this its my horoscope from the Metro this morning
------------------------------------------
You may have other things on your mind, but I think you ought to have a little look over your sholder: it seems that someone is creeping up for a snog.
------------------------------------------
Dosent say who though
------------------------------------------
You may have other things on your mind, but I think you ought to have a little look over your sholder: it seems that someone is creeping up for a snog.
------------------------------------------
Dosent say who though
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