Urgent parenting advice needed!!!
Discussion
I am not a parent, but I feel like one today! I would like to ask the advice of some fellow PH'ers.
Yesterday my younger brother was involved in an incident in school and the resulting action from the school is the social work dept is being brought in to 'review the situation'.
For a while now my younger brother has been bullied at school with various people in his class calling him names and its really starting to affect him. He has already told my Mother that he wants to die & life is not worth living. Not normal for a primary school child. The school seems to have done nothing to help this situation.
Anyway, yesterday he did something really stupid to a child who provoked him as he was giving my brother his daily name calling. My brother took the name callers' hand and slapped it on the bottom of a nearby class mate, female of course. I don't know why he would do this but he told me last night that he just wanted to get back at this guy for the constant abuse from him and his friends then he bust into tears on the phone.
Now the school are treating it as sexual harassment. He should never have did this to the little girl, but I know my brother its not his nature, he just cracked at that point and this was his way of lashing out. I would have preferred it if he just punched the offender.
Today he will not go to school. He has been told he will get punishment exercises for the whole day and a behaviour card? He is angry because no one is helping him.
Thats the backdrop, I am taking a day of work tomorrow to fly back and meet with the headteacher. I am really angry that nothing has been done about the bullying as this is what has caused this incident. I know this does not excuse his actions.
I need to deal with this as my Mother and Father do not keep very well.
I want to speak to the headteacher and make sure something is done about the bullying, how can I do this? Are they legally bound to do anything about it?
Help and comments much appreciated for this stand in parent.
Deester.
Yesterday my younger brother was involved in an incident in school and the resulting action from the school is the social work dept is being brought in to 'review the situation'.
For a while now my younger brother has been bullied at school with various people in his class calling him names and its really starting to affect him. He has already told my Mother that he wants to die & life is not worth living. Not normal for a primary school child. The school seems to have done nothing to help this situation.
Anyway, yesterday he did something really stupid to a child who provoked him as he was giving my brother his daily name calling. My brother took the name callers' hand and slapped it on the bottom of a nearby class mate, female of course. I don't know why he would do this but he told me last night that he just wanted to get back at this guy for the constant abuse from him and his friends then he bust into tears on the phone.
Now the school are treating it as sexual harassment. He should never have did this to the little girl, but I know my brother its not his nature, he just cracked at that point and this was his way of lashing out. I would have preferred it if he just punched the offender.
Today he will not go to school. He has been told he will get punishment exercises for the whole day and a behaviour card? He is angry because no one is helping him.
Thats the backdrop, I am taking a day of work tomorrow to fly back and meet with the headteacher. I am really angry that nothing has been done about the bullying as this is what has caused this incident. I know this does not excuse his actions.
I need to deal with this as my Mother and Father do not keep very well.
I want to speak to the headteacher and make sure something is done about the bullying, how can I do this? Are they legally bound to do anything about it?
Help and comments much appreciated for this stand in parent.
Deester.
Tough call there Deester. Can't offer parental advice, but I think you're doing the right thing.
Yes, your brother was wrong to do what he did, but given the circumstances, it is hardly surprised he "snapped". I think the head needs a bloody good roasting, and should be made to justify why they have allowed your brother to be bullied.
Don't take any shit (pretty sure you wouldn't anyway!) and lean on the head... to the extent that you will get the LEA involved if required. The situation MUST be handled etc etc.. and you will be watching.
All in all mate, best of luck.
Yes, your brother was wrong to do what he did, but given the circumstances, it is hardly surprised he "snapped". I think the head needs a bloody good roasting, and should be made to justify why they have allowed your brother to be bullied.
Don't take any shit (pretty sure you wouldn't anyway!) and lean on the head... to the extent that you will get the LEA involved if required. The situation MUST be handled etc etc.. and you will be watching.
All in all mate, best of luck.
As a parent myself I would go absolutely loopy that the school has done nothing about this.
As a direct result of their inaction they have forced your brother to behave in a manner which is totally out of character, and which by the way he is sorry for, and I would make them personally responsible for this.
If they had took this much notice of your brothers complaints this situation may never had arose
I would be asking to speak to the school governers the LEA and any other person in authority to do something about the lack of management at this school.
This is not your brothers problem it is theirs
As a direct result of their inaction they have forced your brother to behave in a manner which is totally out of character, and which by the way he is sorry for, and I would make them personally responsible for this.
If they had took this much notice of your brothers complaints this situation may never had arose
I would be asking to speak to the school governers the LEA and any other person in authority to do something about the lack of management at this school.
This is not your brothers problem it is theirs
My kids are still cacking their pants but I sympathise with your predicament.
Im sure your brother did what we all did when we were younger,... acted before engaging brain. Poor lad. Its more tomfoolery than any kind of harassment.
I would perhaps suggest to the school that he serve their required punishment. I would also insist that they deal with this name calling and bullying business.
Either the CAB of your local education authority could tell you of the requirements placed on the school and I'm sure this includes protecting him from bullying.
Im sure your brother did what we all did when we were younger,... acted before engaging brain. Poor lad. Its more tomfoolery than any kind of harassment.
I would perhaps suggest to the school that he serve their required punishment. I would also insist that they deal with this name calling and bullying business.
Either the CAB of your local education authority could tell you of the requirements placed on the school and I'm sure this includes protecting him from bullying.
hmmm this is extremely difficult situation, I have also just gone through something very similar with my nephew ... he travels on a bus to and fro to school and back every morning and evening, He's in year 9.
There are three boys (seniors) who travel on this bus with him, apparantly these boys threatened to "gang rape" (yep, thats what it says) my nephew after school and that he should watch his back when he gets off the bus, Now, imagine what goes through this little boys mind every time he gets on the bus .... he is absolutely petrified of the trip home.
Anyhow, my nephew eventually got the courage up and told my son the story who in turn told my wife and I, We wrote a letter to the scool (Hand Delivered) demanding that something be done immediately (this was two weeks ago), we heard nothing for two days .... Eventually I got fed-up with trying to reach the head of the school and the lack of communication from them that I called the local BiB.
They came around immediatly (within 2 hours of the call) and took a statement from my nephew, the boys were visited that same night and the story ended there and then, these boys are not even aloud to travel on the same bus as the juniors anymore.
The senior boys say that they were "just taking the pi**" and didn't really mean to harm the boy.
FFS How do you threaten a kid with stuff like this as a joke???
Anyway, At least its over, I must admit the Police were very very quick to react to this call for help!!
There are three boys (seniors) who travel on this bus with him, apparantly these boys threatened to "gang rape" (yep, thats what it says) my nephew after school and that he should watch his back when he gets off the bus, Now, imagine what goes through this little boys mind every time he gets on the bus .... he is absolutely petrified of the trip home.
Anyhow, my nephew eventually got the courage up and told my son the story who in turn told my wife and I, We wrote a letter to the scool (Hand Delivered) demanding that something be done immediately (this was two weeks ago), we heard nothing for two days .... Eventually I got fed-up with trying to reach the head of the school and the lack of communication from them that I called the local BiB.
They came around immediatly (within 2 hours of the call) and took a statement from my nephew, the boys were visited that same night and the story ended there and then, these boys are not even aloud to travel on the same bus as the juniors anymore.
The senior boys say that they were "just taking the pi**" and didn't really mean to harm the boy.
FFS How do you threaten a kid with stuff like this as a joke???
Anyway, At least its over, I must admit the Police were very very quick to react to this call for help!!
Not very long ago, there was a thread here about teachers' conditions, and loads of PHers seemed to be married or otherwise related to teachers.
Perhaps some of them could take expert advice on what you should say and do to work the system. It's a tricky situation - perhaps the school need to know that the bullying has driven your brother to depression, but at the same time you don't want him to end up on an at-risk register.
I have a friend who is a primary school teacher in a depressed area - she deals with bullying and abuse all the time and knows the system well. I'll give her a call tonight and see if she has anything constructive to offer.
Perhaps some of them could take expert advice on what you should say and do to work the system. It's a tricky situation - perhaps the school need to know that the bullying has driven your brother to depression, but at the same time you don't want him to end up on an at-risk register.
I have a friend who is a primary school teacher in a depressed area - she deals with bullying and abuse all the time and knows the system well. I'll give her a call tonight and see if she has anything constructive to offer.
My kid is 7. what I have noticed about her school is that they are very competent and good teachers and the enviironment is very creative and positive, but they do tend to get buried inside their children's world. As a result they do get hung up about petty stuff that seems, to them, like such serious stuff in the confines of the school. Like school uniform for example. White socks is the law - and if a child goes in with cream ones, with maybe a logo on the side then all hell breaks loose. really, what value does this kind of behaviour add to anything?
So in your meeting I'd try to steer them round to considering the real world not just the school environment.
I'd also insist that any discussions you have with school staff are undertaken with your brother present and that he gets a chance to say his piece. He'll only feel a whole lot worse if you go behind closed doors with the teachers, especially if nothing good comes from it.
Before your meeting it's probably worth having a long chat with your brother about what it is he would like to change in school. Bearing in mind that the bullying kids are unlikely to dramatically change their behaviour without serious intervention (which he probably won't want) the answer might be a change of class. If the outcome of your discussion is a change along the lines your brother wants, then he'll feel that all the trouble you were put to was worth while.
I'd be very careful of sounding like you're blaming a lack of action from the teachers for the bullying. Even if it is true they'll never accept that argument. But it is worth asking them about their bullying policy, what they've done when there's been bullying in the past and what specific actions they plan to take this time. Make sure that their actions are specific enough that you can test to see if they really have done them. Hold them accountable for these actions.
Who is making the sexual harrassment allegations? Is it the staff or the parents of the girl?
Whatever the outcome good luck. This is a tough one. and whatever you do, don't lose your temper with anyone at the school. It will only reinforce any bad opinions they already have about your brother.
AF
So in your meeting I'd try to steer them round to considering the real world not just the school environment.
I'd also insist that any discussions you have with school staff are undertaken with your brother present and that he gets a chance to say his piece. He'll only feel a whole lot worse if you go behind closed doors with the teachers, especially if nothing good comes from it.
Before your meeting it's probably worth having a long chat with your brother about what it is he would like to change in school. Bearing in mind that the bullying kids are unlikely to dramatically change their behaviour without serious intervention (which he probably won't want) the answer might be a change of class. If the outcome of your discussion is a change along the lines your brother wants, then he'll feel that all the trouble you were put to was worth while.
I'd be very careful of sounding like you're blaming a lack of action from the teachers for the bullying. Even if it is true they'll never accept that argument. But it is worth asking them about their bullying policy, what they've done when there's been bullying in the past and what specific actions they plan to take this time. Make sure that their actions are specific enough that you can test to see if they really have done them. Hold them accountable for these actions.
Who is making the sexual harrassment allegations? Is it the staff or the parents of the girl?
Whatever the outcome good luck. This is a tough one. and whatever you do, don't lose your temper with anyone at the school. It will only reinforce any bad opinions they already have about your brother.
AF
This is appalling.
The school has a duty of care towards all the children. It should also have (and enforce) a strict code for the monitoring and prevention of bullying within the school community.
I am chair of a PTA and a former school Governor and I know that this kind of thing was high on our agenda.
The "sexual harrassment" thing is just crass PC nonsense. The Punishment card and other stuff you mention is typical of the sort of over weaning counterproductive crap you get from the educational liberal elite these days (Oh, well I suppose something had to exercise their minds after their theories about it being possible to learn to read by a process of Osmosis turned out to be a pile of toot!)
If the school had acted promptly and appropriatly to the initial (bullying) problem then none of this would have happened.
I fear, however, that (given my knowledge of the system) your little bro will be the one marked out as the problem, his records will be adjusted to show this, and he will be treated as a "problem" from now on in. You could, in extremis, even be looking at it being kinder to give him a fresh start in a new (better run) school.
Sorry to sound so gloomy, but once these wheels start to turn (especially when they call in social workers) it is almost impossible to get a fair shake IMHO.
In all dealings though, you must try to remain calm. Take notes - even recordings of all conversations if you can. Do not give these people any reason to come and "investigate your family" any deeper. Believe me, they will do just that if you give them an excuse. (example: you get exasperated at their stupidity and failure to address the issue of bullying at the root of this, and they decide you are obstructive, agressive etc etc) These people do not know what it means to be wrong!
Andy 400se
The school has a duty of care towards all the children. It should also have (and enforce) a strict code for the monitoring and prevention of bullying within the school community.
I am chair of a PTA and a former school Governor and I know that this kind of thing was high on our agenda.
The "sexual harrassment" thing is just crass PC nonsense. The Punishment card and other stuff you mention is typical of the sort of over weaning counterproductive crap you get from the educational liberal elite these days (Oh, well I suppose something had to exercise their minds after their theories about it being possible to learn to read by a process of Osmosis turned out to be a pile of toot!)
If the school had acted promptly and appropriatly to the initial (bullying) problem then none of this would have happened.
I fear, however, that (given my knowledge of the system) your little bro will be the one marked out as the problem, his records will be adjusted to show this, and he will be treated as a "problem" from now on in. You could, in extremis, even be looking at it being kinder to give him a fresh start in a new (better run) school.
Sorry to sound so gloomy, but once these wheels start to turn (especially when they call in social workers) it is almost impossible to get a fair shake IMHO.
In all dealings though, you must try to remain calm. Take notes - even recordings of all conversations if you can. Do not give these people any reason to come and "investigate your family" any deeper. Believe me, they will do just that if you give them an excuse. (example: you get exasperated at their stupidity and failure to address the issue of bullying at the root of this, and they decide you are obstructive, agressive etc etc) These people do not know what it means to be wrong!
Andy 400se
Deester
I'm not a parent but was bullied at school for various reasons I did not understand at the time, so can kind of guess where your brother is coming from. (BTW have worked it out now, what fcuking petty reasons they were too).
This kind of pressure can really do your head in. Sometimes what is worse is knowing it's to come rather than the actual taunting itself. It's a very cowardly form of attack and needs to be stamped on by the school.
OK so your brother has done something wrong. He knows this and understands that he may be punished for doing it. There is no issue for this apart from the "sexual harrasment" title. As Ted says christ alive they're only kids. What your brother needs to know is that someone is going to take some action over the bullying that caused his own actions.
What can you do for your brother? Well my thoughts are;
1. Tell him you'll support him whenever he needs you. You'll not be able to come back each time something happens, but if he feels he can always call and talk to you it would be helpful.
2. Let him tell you what he needs to. It might all come out now, or it might later as his confidence increases, but be there to listen. Try not to pass judgement, just listen.
3. Confront the head now. Ask why no action has been taken over the bullying. If you brother will tell you what has gone on it is good to give concrete examples of when your brother has asked for help and none has been given. Ask him what he now plans to do. Note that you will be raising this matter with the school governers and will ensure that the head is responsible for regular feedback at each governers' meeting. Also note that if you do not get satisfactory resolution from the governers you will take the matter to the local education authority and school inspectors.
On no account lose your temper, always stay calm however much you may want to vent your spleen and beat the living daylights out of the head. Make damm sure you get your point over that if the head and governers don't get this bullying resolved that you will see them crucified. No rash threats to anyone's job / personal injury, just cold and clinical.
Final matter, make sure it is formally recorded in the meetings of the school governers and that they/ the head sign up to an action plan to stop this now.
Like all walks of life there are good teachers and poor ones. Modern rules make the "clip round the earhole" no longer possible. But teachers should have the capacity to stamp this out. If they do not, then they need to get in sometone who can.
HTH
Chris
I'm not a parent but was bullied at school for various reasons I did not understand at the time, so can kind of guess where your brother is coming from. (BTW have worked it out now, what fcuking petty reasons they were too).
This kind of pressure can really do your head in. Sometimes what is worse is knowing it's to come rather than the actual taunting itself. It's a very cowardly form of attack and needs to be stamped on by the school.
OK so your brother has done something wrong. He knows this and understands that he may be punished for doing it. There is no issue for this apart from the "sexual harrasment" title. As Ted says christ alive they're only kids. What your brother needs to know is that someone is going to take some action over the bullying that caused his own actions.
What can you do for your brother? Well my thoughts are;
1. Tell him you'll support him whenever he needs you. You'll not be able to come back each time something happens, but if he feels he can always call and talk to you it would be helpful.
2. Let him tell you what he needs to. It might all come out now, or it might later as his confidence increases, but be there to listen. Try not to pass judgement, just listen.
3. Confront the head now. Ask why no action has been taken over the bullying. If you brother will tell you what has gone on it is good to give concrete examples of when your brother has asked for help and none has been given. Ask him what he now plans to do. Note that you will be raising this matter with the school governers and will ensure that the head is responsible for regular feedback at each governers' meeting. Also note that if you do not get satisfactory resolution from the governers you will take the matter to the local education authority and school inspectors.
On no account lose your temper, always stay calm however much you may want to vent your spleen and beat the living daylights out of the head. Make damm sure you get your point over that if the head and governers don't get this bullying resolved that you will see them crucified. No rash threats to anyone's job / personal injury, just cold and clinical.
Final matter, make sure it is formally recorded in the meetings of the school governers and that they/ the head sign up to an action plan to stop this now.
Like all walks of life there are good teachers and poor ones. Modern rules make the "clip round the earhole" no longer possible. But teachers should have the capacity to stamp this out. If they do not, then they need to get in sometone who can.
HTH
Chris
Deester,
When you go to the school, speak to your brother's teacher, and then request an interview with the head, citing the reason for your request. Ask them to explain why they think there is "sexual harrassment", and ask if the girl involved has made a complaint. If not, no harrassment has taken place, and the school should be requested to remove the suggestion from his records. When it is finished, write down in a letter to the head, what transpired during the interview, stating what was said to you, and what you said in return. This could be very useful if legal action arises form this. Plus, when the head receives that letter, it will be taken a lot more seriously. At no point be fobbed off with garbage - politely go for the jugular - i.e. stick to the point and do not get side-tracked by the sexual harrassment thing. Good luck!
When you go to the school, speak to your brother's teacher, and then request an interview with the head, citing the reason for your request. Ask them to explain why they think there is "sexual harrassment", and ask if the girl involved has made a complaint. If not, no harrassment has taken place, and the school should be requested to remove the suggestion from his records. When it is finished, write down in a letter to the head, what transpired during the interview, stating what was said to you, and what you said in return. This could be very useful if legal action arises form this. Plus, when the head receives that letter, it will be taken a lot more seriously. At no point be fobbed off with garbage - politely go for the jugular - i.e. stick to the point and do not get side-tracked by the sexual harrassment thing. Good luck!
Re the bullying thing - I know how your brother feels, had it myself in primary school, teachers generaly don't seem to care. Told my dad, so he taught me to throw a good right hook. Nothing stops bullying quicker than a few knocked out teeth and broken noses (one of the guys still snores like a misfiring diesel engine). Never had any problems again, and something like that really helps re-build self-esteem.
Deester ,
I see you have an F355 spider (nice car mate!). Try dropping your brother off and picking him up in it for a few days. Happened to a friend of mine when i was at school.The kid got seen all the time in his uncle's lamborghini and was well respected after that.
The kid was alright but just didnt want to speak to anybody about anything in particular and vice-versa. after the lambo thing everybody was talking to him about it and he made quite a few good friends.
Just an idea.
I see you have an F355 spider (nice car mate!). Try dropping your brother off and picking him up in it for a few days. Happened to a friend of mine when i was at school.The kid got seen all the time in his uncle's lamborghini and was well respected after that.
The kid was alright but just didnt want to speak to anybody about anything in particular and vice-versa. after the lambo thing everybody was talking to him about it and he made quite a few good friends.
Just an idea.
monty_python said: Deester ,
I see you have an F355 spider (nice car mate!). Try dropping your brother off and picking him up in it for a few days. Happened to a friend of mine when i was at school.The kid got seen all the time in his uncle's lamborghini and was well respected after that.
The kid was alright but just didnt want to speak to anybody about anything in particular and vice-versa. after the lambo thing everybody was talking to him about it and he made quite a few good friends.
Just an idea.
Hmmmm, not a bad idea! Takes me 2 days to drive the car to Scotland though. At this point I would be willing to give anything a shot.
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