Stopping an 86yr old from driving
Discussion
Random question.
My mother in law is becoming a liability on the road. She has early onset Alzheimer's, but her spacial awareness is still reasonably good. She has just had a safeguarding concern from the Alzheimer's climic after she accidentally overdosed on Antibiotics and we had to call 999.
She is a self professed 'very good driver' but she had two very low speed minor bumps in the past month (both single car hitting a wall on her driveway) and her mental capacity is notably reduced. She only drives around her own village, but even that is now becoming dangerous, in our opinion.
We've tried to persuade her to stop driving and she gets angrily defensive. Luckily, her car failed its MOT last week (20yr old MINI) but only on easily fixed faults. We're getting it repaired 'slowly' but she is asking for it back and getting quite aggressive when we say she can't have it (yet).
I don't want to 'shop' her, BUT....I also don't want to have to explain why she was driving when she hit another car/child/person/etc.
I also don't know how you get a licence removed. Her GP was uninterested and said it was not a medical issue, and I know a neighbour ruined her relationship with her father when she reported him to the DVLA, and they told the gent who reported her.
Are there any other options?
My mother in law is becoming a liability on the road. She has early onset Alzheimer's, but her spacial awareness is still reasonably good. She has just had a safeguarding concern from the Alzheimer's climic after she accidentally overdosed on Antibiotics and we had to call 999.
She is a self professed 'very good driver' but she had two very low speed minor bumps in the past month (both single car hitting a wall on her driveway) and her mental capacity is notably reduced. She only drives around her own village, but even that is now becoming dangerous, in our opinion.
We've tried to persuade her to stop driving and she gets angrily defensive. Luckily, her car failed its MOT last week (20yr old MINI) but only on easily fixed faults. We're getting it repaired 'slowly' but she is asking for it back and getting quite aggressive when we say she can't have it (yet).
I don't want to 'shop' her, BUT....I also don't want to have to explain why she was driving when she hit another car/child/person/etc.
I also don't know how you get a licence removed. Her GP was uninterested and said it was not a medical issue, and I know a neighbour ruined her relationship with her father when she reported him to the DVLA, and they told the gent who reported her.
Are there any other options?
The mind never feels older and although to the outside world you are aging, internally your mind is saying different.
Put this in your head
"Julian, although you've been driving for years you're no longer capable and a danger on the roads." Think of that comment today, right now. You are in your head saying "That's rubbish I know what I'm doing"
Do you really think that answer will change as you age? You are now thinking of course it will. Well I hate to shock you but it won't!!
Now start thinking about how to deal with it if you were being asked the same question, probably the only way you would give up your car is if there was a better option. So you need to find a solution and sow that seed before looking to cause the problem.
Been through this now with aging Grandparents and In Laws and the only way we got them to hand over the keys was to give them a better option.
Put this in your head
"Julian, although you've been driving for years you're no longer capable and a danger on the roads." Think of that comment today, right now. You are in your head saying "That's rubbish I know what I'm doing"
Do you really think that answer will change as you age? You are now thinking of course it will. Well I hate to shock you but it won't!!
Now start thinking about how to deal with it if you were being asked the same question, probably the only way you would give up your car is if there was a better option. So you need to find a solution and sow that seed before looking to cause the problem.
Been through this now with aging Grandparents and In Laws and the only way we got them to hand over the keys was to give them a better option.
I went through a similar situation with my 95 year old father at the end of last year. He agreed that he would submit to an assessment but he asked me to do it!
I explained that I wasn't qualified but I found Herts Ability (a Hertfordshire based charity) but they are linked to a National Organisation called Driving Mobility. They will provide driving assessments.
You pay a small fee and they undertake:
A medical assessment
A series of cognitive tests
Finally, a driving assessment (in one of their dual control cars)
If your mother passes all three then she would be considered fit to continue driving.
My father failed on the eyesight test. It was marginal but he did fail. He was persuaded that it was better to end his driving career unblemished rather than end up in an accident with the risk of damaging someone's car, hurting himself or worst of all, hurting a third party.
It is really hard as it is such a lifeline for independence for elderly people. Having a third party make the assessment takes the responsibility off the family whether they pass or fail.
I explained that I wasn't qualified but I found Herts Ability (a Hertfordshire based charity) but they are linked to a National Organisation called Driving Mobility. They will provide driving assessments.
You pay a small fee and they undertake:
A medical assessment
A series of cognitive tests
Finally, a driving assessment (in one of their dual control cars)
If your mother passes all three then she would be considered fit to continue driving.
My father failed on the eyesight test. It was marginal but he did fail. He was persuaded that it was better to end his driving career unblemished rather than end up in an accident with the risk of damaging someone's car, hurting himself or worst of all, hurting a third party.
It is really hard as it is such a lifeline for independence for elderly people. Having a third party make the assessment takes the responsibility off the family whether they pass or fail.
I am happy to shop her in if you DM me the details 
We had to have the "should you still be driving" conversation with the inlaws when they were around 80 as MiL had a big ish accident they weren't happy about it but understood and we played taxi as penance
Tough spot to be in but when its time it needs to happen the last thing anyone wants is a phone call from a hospital or a knock on the door when it could have all been avoided.
I am surprised the DVLA actually release who has reported what though, seems silly for situations like this
We had to have the "should you still be driving" conversation with the inlaws when they were around 80 as MiL had a big ish accident they weren't happy about it but understood and we played taxi as penance
Tough spot to be in but when its time it needs to happen the last thing anyone wants is a phone call from a hospital or a knock on the door when it could have all been avoided.
I am surprised the DVLA actually release who has reported what though, seems silly for situations like this
Julian Scott said:
I also don't know how you get a licence removed. Her GP was uninterested and said it was not a medical issue, and I know a neighbour ruined her relationship with her father when she reported him to the DVLA, and they told the gent who reported her.
I have been through this with my dad. All doctors told my dad he was medically fit to drive. That made the conversation even more difficult because I was going against the doctors. But, you have a responsibility to protect your relative and those around. I reported my dad to the DVLA who treated it confidentially. (I suspect there is more to the neighbour's story because I can't imagine how the DVLA would communicate who made the confidential report).It took some time but it was successful. The same GP that had given a fit to drive report declared him instantly unfit once the DVLA made a request for a medical evaluation.
Also, I notified the DVLA 3000 miles away without issue. My father has no idea it was me but has expressed his gratitude as he is aware how bad his dementia has got and understands he was an accident waiting to happen.
Well, there was some evidence....
Car number 2 written off in 2 weeks both making the local papers. The other car was driven under a flat bed truck. He had to duck to not be decapitated. The truck was lifted off by a crane and he walked away. The Honda dealer loved him because he kept going back with cash. They called him their best customer.
edited to ad a 0. I am in the US so physical interventions were off the cards.
Edited by h0b0 on Thursday 5th October 14:09
stumpage said:
The mind never feels older and although to the outside world you are aging, internally your mind is saying different.
Put this in your head
"Julian, although you've been driving for years you're no longer capable and a danger on the roads." Think of that comment today, right now. You are in your head saying "That's rubbish I know what I'm doing"
Do you really think that answer will change as you age? You are now thinking of course it will. Well I hate to shock you but it won't!!
Now start thinking about how to deal with it if you were being asked the same question, probably the only way you would give up your car is if there was a better option. So you need to find a solution and sow that seed before looking to cause the problem.
Been through this now with aging Grandparents and In Laws and the only way we got them to hand over the keys was to give them a better option.
Very true, The irony is that she gets a taxi on account to anywhere outside of her village and she admits to not feeling comfortable driving further, but thinks she's as good a driver as ever.Put this in your head
"Julian, although you've been driving for years you're no longer capable and a danger on the roads." Think of that comment today, right now. You are in your head saying "That's rubbish I know what I'm doing"
Do you really think that answer will change as you age? You are now thinking of course it will. Well I hate to shock you but it won't!!
Now start thinking about how to deal with it if you were being asked the same question, probably the only way you would give up your car is if there was a better option. So you need to find a solution and sow that seed before looking to cause the problem.
Been through this now with aging Grandparents and In Laws and the only way we got them to hand over the keys was to give them a better option.
London GT3 said:
I went through a similar situation with my 95 year old father at the end of last year. He agreed that he would submit to an assessment but he asked me to do it!
I explained that I wasn't qualified but I found Herts Ability (a Hertfordshire based charity) but they are linked to a National Organisation called Driving Mobility. They will provide driving assessments.
You pay a small fee and they undertake:
A medical assessment
A series of cognitive tests
Finally, a driving assessment (in one of their dual control cars)
If your mother passes all three then she would be considered fit to continue driving.
My father failed on the eyesight test. It was marginal but he did fail. He was persuaded that it was better to end his driving career unblemished rather than end up in an accident with the risk of damaging someone's car, hurting himself or worst of all, hurting a third party.
It is really hard as it is such a lifeline for independence for elderly people. Having a third party make the assessment takes the responsibility off the family whether they pass or fail.
Thats a great shout, if she will do it. She refused anything that might lead to her being assessed so far, despite losing her car twice in the last 2 weeks.I explained that I wasn't qualified but I found Herts Ability (a Hertfordshire based charity) but they are linked to a National Organisation called Driving Mobility. They will provide driving assessments.
You pay a small fee and they undertake:
A medical assessment
A series of cognitive tests
Finally, a driving assessment (in one of their dual control cars)
If your mother passes all three then she would be considered fit to continue driving.
My father failed on the eyesight test. It was marginal but he did fail. He was persuaded that it was better to end his driving career unblemished rather than end up in an accident with the risk of damaging someone's car, hurting himself or worst of all, hurting a third party.
It is really hard as it is such a lifeline for independence for elderly people. Having a third party make the assessment takes the responsibility off the family whether they pass or fail.
geeks said:
I am happy to shop her in if you DM me the details
We had to have the "should you still be driving" conversation with the inlaws when they were around 80 as MiL had a big ish accident they weren't happy about it but understood and we played taxi as penance
Tough spot to be in but when its time it needs to happen the last thing anyone wants is a phone call from a hospital or a knock on the door when it could have all been avoided.
I am surprised the DVLA actually release who has reported what though, seems silly for situations like this
Me too post-whistleblowing regs.We had to have the "should you still be driving" conversation with the inlaws when they were around 80 as MiL had a big ish accident they weren't happy about it but understood and we played taxi as penance
Tough spot to be in but when its time it needs to happen the last thing anyone wants is a phone call from a hospital or a knock on the door when it could have all been avoided.
I am surprised the DVLA actually release who has reported what though, seems silly for situations like this
h0b0 said:
Julian Scott said:
I also don't know how you get a licence removed. Her GP was uninterested and said it was not a medical issue, and I know a neighbour ruined her relationship with her father when she reported him to the DVLA, and they told the gent who reported her.
I have been through this with my dad. All doctors told my dad he was medically fit to drive. That made the conversation even more difficult because I was going against the doctors. But, you have a responsibility to protect your relative and those around. I reported my dad to the DVLA who treated it confidentially. (I suspect there is more to the neighbour's story because I can't imagine how the DVLA would communicate who made the confidential report).It took some time but it was successful. The same GP that had given a fit to drive report declared him instantly unfit once the DVLA made a request for a medical evaluation.
Also, I notified the DVLA 3000 miles away without issue. My father has no idea it was me but has expressed his gratitude as he is aware how bad his dementia has got and understands he was an accident waiting to happen.
Well, there was some evidence....
Car number 2 written off in 2 weeks both making the local papers. The other car was driven under a flat bed truck. He had to duck to not be decapitated. The truck was lifted off by a crane and he walked away. The Honda dealer loved him because he kept going back with cash. They called him their best customer.
edited to ad a 0. I am in the US so physical interventions were off the cards.
Edited by h0b0 on Thursday 5th October 14:09
I don't want to leave it until that!!! Don't get me wrong, my MiL hates me with a passion, and I (and my wife) have no love lost towards her.....it's who she may hit & injure that is the concern.
Julian Scott said:
Funny. but not funny.
I don't want to leave it until that!!! Don't get me wrong, my MiL hates me with a passion, and I (and my wife) have no love lost towards her.....it's who she may hit & injure that is the concern.
Well if that's the case then just take the keys away. And the car, if it comes to that.I don't want to leave it until that!!! Don't get me wrong, my MiL hates me with a passion, and I (and my wife) have no love lost towards her.....it's who she may hit & injure that is the concern.
There's plenty of advice available:
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/travel...
https://contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture_third_p...
https://www.olderdrivers.org.uk/families/how-to-he...
I reported my Dad to the DVLA after I saw him driving and realised what a liability he had become. At first he was furious at having to surrender his licence but after a few weeks admitted he was pleased he was no longer driving.
I wouldn't think twice about doing it again and I hope someone will do the same for me in the same circumstances.
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/travel...
https://contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture_third_p...
https://www.olderdrivers.org.uk/families/how-to-he...
I reported my Dad to the DVLA after I saw him driving and realised what a liability he had become. At first he was furious at having to surrender his licence but after a few weeks admitted he was pleased he was no longer driving.
I wouldn't think twice about doing it again and I hope someone will do the same for me in the same circumstances.
Has she claimed on her insurance for the two bumps she had?
It may be that insurance is harder for her to get come renewal time, and that can be a trigger to persuade her to hang up the driving gloves. This is how we got the MIL to stop - she was incensed that her insurers refused to quote for renewal following a "bump" she had in a car park.
It may be that insurance is harder for her to get come renewal time, and that can be a trigger to persuade her to hang up the driving gloves. This is how we got the MIL to stop - she was incensed that her insurers refused to quote for renewal following a "bump" she had in a car park.
Julian Scott said:
Very true, The irony is that she gets a taxi on account to anywhere outside of her village and she admits to not feeling comfortable driving further, but thinks she's as good a driver as ever.
Think how many Taxis she could pay for if she is not paying for car insurance, MOT, Tax and servicing. We got my Mum to give up using the above argument and the offer to take her shopping once a week.
Throw a tennis ball to her when she's watching TV. If she doesn't catch it, then she doesn't have the reactions to control a 1.5 tonne object at speed. It's not a scientific test (and I will probably fail such a test 
) but it will undermine her belief that she's got the skills of a 20 year old F1 driver.
https://youtu.be/hskBGTk38lA?si=RVdNBaYVwfPnqOVD&a...
Or wait until she kills someone and then say, "Told you so."
) but it will undermine her belief that she's got the skills of a 20 year old F1 driver.https://youtu.be/hskBGTk38lA?si=RVdNBaYVwfPnqOVD&a...
Or wait until she kills someone and then say, "Told you so."
My father in law had a drink issue. It was caused by his difficulty in dealing with his beloved wife’s dementia. He was very good at hiding his drinking. We got a call from the care home where his wife lived to say that he was visiting her and collapsed so could we collect him. I went round there, collected him and his car and took him home. When I dropped him off, I kept his car keys. When Mrs. Chips went to see him a few days later he asked for them back and got a bit funny when we explained why we were going to keep them. A few days later I was passing his house and the car was gone. We went round that night and found his spare set of keys. We took these and warned him that if we even suspected that he drove again, we would report him. A week later, with his reluctant consent, we sold his car. He quickly got used to using public transport and walking!
My father had a couple of minor bumps in quick succession. The first was his fault, the second was not, although I suspect that his age (89) played a part in his inability to avoid the second accident. While we were waiting for his car to be repaired, my brother and I discussed asking him to stop driving. We decided that he would hate it, but I would mention it before he got his car back. It didn’t happen as he died before his car was returned. Although we were gutted that he had gone, I was incredibly thankful that I didn’t have to break his heart by taking his car.
OP, you are in an incredibly difficult position. It strikes me that the best way to do it is to have her independently assessed, as it would be far easier for her to hear the bad news from a stranger than from you. Alternatively, if she passes the assessment, then you can relax knowing that she is relatively safe to drive. Good luck with whatever you decide.
My father had a couple of minor bumps in quick succession. The first was his fault, the second was not, although I suspect that his age (89) played a part in his inability to avoid the second accident. While we were waiting for his car to be repaired, my brother and I discussed asking him to stop driving. We decided that he would hate it, but I would mention it before he got his car back. It didn’t happen as he died before his car was returned. Although we were gutted that he had gone, I was incredibly thankful that I didn’t have to break his heart by taking his car.
OP, you are in an incredibly difficult position. It strikes me that the best way to do it is to have her independently assessed, as it would be far easier for her to hear the bad news from a stranger than from you. Alternatively, if she passes the assessment, then you can relax knowing that she is relatively safe to drive. Good luck with whatever you decide.
jeremyc said:
Has she claimed on her insurance for the two bumps she had?
It may be that insurance is harder for her to get come renewal time, and that can be a trigger to persuade her to hang up the driving gloves. This is how we got the MIL to stop - she was incensed that her insurers refused to quote for renewal following a "bump" she had in a car park.
No, they are comically minor. Not worth repairing and would be a chips away job if they were.It may be that insurance is harder for her to get come renewal time, and that can be a trigger to persuade her to hang up the driving gloves. This is how we got the MIL to stop - she was incensed that her insurers refused to quote for renewal following a "bump" she had in a car park.
Slow.Patrol said:
Julian Scott said:
Very true, The irony is that she gets a taxi on account to anywhere outside of her village and she admits to not feeling comfortable driving further, but thinks she's as good a driver as ever.
Think how many Taxis she could pay for if she is not paying for car insurance, MOT, Tax and servicing. We got my Mum to give up using the above argument and the offer to take her shopping once a week.
Julian Scott said:
Random question.
My mother in law is becoming a liability on the road. She has early onset Alzheimer's, but her spacial awareness is still reasonably good. She has just had a safeguarding concern from the Alzheimer's climic after she accidentally overdosed on Antibiotics and we had to call 999.
She is a self professed 'very good driver' but she had two very low speed minor bumps in the past month (both single car hitting a wall on her driveway) and her mental capacity is notably reduced. She only drives around her own village, but even that is now becoming dangerous, in our opinion.
We've tried to persuade her to stop driving and she gets angrily defensive. Luckily, her car failed its MOT last week (20yr old MINI) but only on easily fixed faults. We're getting it repaired 'slowly' but she is asking for it back and getting quite aggressive when we say she can't have it (yet).
I don't want to 'shop' her, BUT....I also don't want to have to explain why she was driving when she hit another car/child/person/etc.
I also don't know how you get a licence removed. Her GP was uninterested and said it was not a medical issue, and I know a neighbour ruined her relationship with her father when she reported him to the DVLA, and they told the gent who reported her.
Are there any other options?
Report her to the police and DVLA anonymously.My mother in law is becoming a liability on the road. She has early onset Alzheimer's, but her spacial awareness is still reasonably good. She has just had a safeguarding concern from the Alzheimer's climic after she accidentally overdosed on Antibiotics and we had to call 999.
She is a self professed 'very good driver' but she had two very low speed minor bumps in the past month (both single car hitting a wall on her driveway) and her mental capacity is notably reduced. She only drives around her own village, but even that is now becoming dangerous, in our opinion.
We've tried to persuade her to stop driving and she gets angrily defensive. Luckily, her car failed its MOT last week (20yr old MINI) but only on easily fixed faults. We're getting it repaired 'slowly' but she is asking for it back and getting quite aggressive when we say she can't have it (yet).
I don't want to 'shop' her, BUT....I also don't want to have to explain why she was driving when she hit another car/child/person/etc.
I also don't know how you get a licence removed. Her GP was uninterested and said it was not a medical issue, and I know a neighbour ruined her relationship with her father when she reported him to the DVLA, and they told the gent who reported her.
Are there any other options?
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