Interviews with the famous
Discussion
I used to run an F1 fanzine website, F1 Ferret - all the rumours before they happen.
It wasn't particularly successful. The most I ever got after each race was a few over 900. I was then ill for a while and let it drop.
I've just been clearing out some old files from my computer and I came across some old copy from the site. I did a series of spoof interviews after each race. Here's just three.
A few female readers of my website reckoned I should discuss with a woman F1 driver the problems of making it (their actual phrase) in the sport. So who better to pick than the most successful female driver ever, Desire Wilson.
F1F: You are in a select group, one of only five women to drive in Formula 1 GPs. Let's see, there was Maria-Teresa de Filippis, Lella Lombardi and Divina Galica before you and only Giovanna Amati after. Could you run me briefly through your Formula 1 Grand Prix starts to date?
DW: Well, there was my home Grand Prix, the South African in '81.
F1F: Oh, 1981. That was the year of the Formula One Constructor's Association breakaway, wasn't it?
DW: Yes, that's right.
F1F: So were Ferrari, Alfa or Renault on the grid?
DW: No. They were all Cosworth engined cars.
F1F: What car were you in?
DW: A Tyrell 010.
F1F: So how many cars were on the grid?
DW: Nineteen in all.
F1F: And where did you qualify?
DW: Sixteenth.
F1F: I see. And who was your team-mate?
DW: Eddie Cheever.
F1F: And where did he start from?
DW: Twelfth. But I was only 7/10ths of a second behind him.
F1F: And where did you come in the race?
DW: Well, I didn't finish but I managed 51 laps.
F1F: Why did you stop?
DW: I hit a wall.
F1F: Oh, bad luck. Was that your only GP?
DW: Well, the year before I tried the British Grand Prix at Brands Hatch. I was driving a RAM Williams FW07.
F1F: And where did you qualify?
DW: I didn't. I was 27th.
F1F: Out of . . ?
DW: Twenty seven.
F1F: That's not much of a showing, is it.
DW: Well, neither Jan Lammers nor Keke Rosberg qualified either.
F1F: But they failed to qualify in front of you, is that right?
DW: So?
F1F: So what makes you the most successful woman in Grand Prix motor racing?
DW: I don't like your tone.
F1F: It's better than your record. At least it will shut up the female critics on my website.
- This interview was after Sky pulled out from F1. I subscribed to the final race –
This week's interview is with the person whose job it was to sell Sky's Interactive F1 coverage to the world. It took some time to actually get through to him as no one on the switchboard seemed to know who he was.
F1Ferret: Hello. Can you hear me.? There's an awful lot of background noise.
SM: I'm sorry. They're taking the carpet up.
F1F: Are you getting a new one, then?
SM: No. Any other questions?
F1F: I was wondering if you would agree to an interview?
SM: Well, I'm a bit busy. You see I have to write to all the persons who subscribed to Sky's coverage of the Japanese Grand last season.
F1F: D'you mean a personal letter? Signing each one?
SM: And handwritten. I've got another seven to do.
F1F: Seven? Good heavens, when did you start?
SM: Let's see, it's 8.15 now. I must have started around 12 minutes past.
F1F: How many have you done?
SM: Just the one. I was going to set up a template on a word processor, but it would have taken longer.
F1F: So that makes a grand total of eight, then, who subscribed to Sky's digital package for the Japanese Grand Prix. I assume it didn't make a profit.
SM: So?
F1F: Just asking. How many would you have needed to draw even?
SM: More than eight.
F1F: Just to get this straight, there were more presenters than subscribers. Is that right?
SM: I'm sorry, they want the phone now.
The big interview
F1F: Hello, is that you Ron?
RD: Grunt. (This is normally a good sign)
F1F: It's the Ferret. I've booked an interview with David for my website. Is he there?
RD: Who?
F1F: David. DC.
RD: David Deecee?
F1F: No, D C. David Coulthard.
RD: Who's he?
F1F: What? Are you messing about? David Coulthard. You know, chin, gorgeous girlfriends, bit of a prat.
RD: Never heard of him.
F1F: Yes you have. He's your driver.
RD: What, Kimi?
F1F: No, your other driver.
RD: Other driver? (Calls to someone) Do we have another driver? (Muffled reply.) Oh, yes, Wurz, our test driver. I've actually spoken to him you know, I thought he was Scandinavian. (Another indecipherable murmur) Oh, and I've just been told we've just bought another test driver, as well. What's his name? (Murmur) Where's he from? (Murmur) Oh, is that in the Arctic Circle? (Murmur) Damn.
F1F: No, not them. Your other driver. Christ, he's won Grands Prix for you.
RD: Oh, sorry. Yes, you must think me a bit thick, but it's been a ever so busy round here lately, what with the parties and everything. You see we've won two Grands Prix this season already. I've just realised, you mean Mika of course. But you can't talk to him. He's left me (Sounds of sobbing).
The pips then went and I had no more change.
F1F
This week's telephone interview is, unusually, of the Ferret himself. A manager of a famous GP team condescended to phone him.
RD: Are you that the idiot who calls himself the Ferret?
F1F: Er, why do you ask?
RD: I remember your voice. It was you.
F1F: No, I never use the phone.
RD: You're using it now.
F1F: Well, yes, I suppose you are right. Why? I don't owe you money, do I?
RD: I've read your website. You reckoned I didn't know the names of my drivers.
F1F: You didn't seem to know who DC is.
RD: I did know who he was.
F1F: Was? You're not sacking him, are you.
RD: (Muffled aside) We're not sacking anyone, are we? (Murmur) Colin? Is he one of our drivers? (Murmur). (Louder) You still there?
F1F: Yes.
RD: No, we're not.
F1F: But how come you didn't get him for me when I asked?
RD: I couldn't see him.
F1F: He told me he was right with you, looking up at you with those big puppy eyes of his.
RD: Well, I thought that was Colin.
F1F: Who's Colin.
RD: No-one. I've just sacked him.
F1F: You can't be that familiar with DC if you couldn't tell him from someone else.
RD: They look very alike.
F1F: In what way?
RD: Neither looks Scandinavian.
F1F: Why sack Colin. Did you think he was DC?
RD: No. But things had gone wrong. We had our Interlagos victory taken away and someone had to be blamed.
F1F: Why Colin?
RD: Why not? After all, we’ve now got just the one victory. We’ll all have to work much harder, with the possible exception of Colin. And that other bloke you mentioned. Tracy was it?
It wasn't particularly successful. The most I ever got after each race was a few over 900. I was then ill for a while and let it drop.
I've just been clearing out some old files from my computer and I came across some old copy from the site. I did a series of spoof interviews after each race. Here's just three.
A few female readers of my website reckoned I should discuss with a woman F1 driver the problems of making it (their actual phrase) in the sport. So who better to pick than the most successful female driver ever, Desire Wilson.
F1F: You are in a select group, one of only five women to drive in Formula 1 GPs. Let's see, there was Maria-Teresa de Filippis, Lella Lombardi and Divina Galica before you and only Giovanna Amati after. Could you run me briefly through your Formula 1 Grand Prix starts to date?
DW: Well, there was my home Grand Prix, the South African in '81.
F1F: Oh, 1981. That was the year of the Formula One Constructor's Association breakaway, wasn't it?
DW: Yes, that's right.
F1F: So were Ferrari, Alfa or Renault on the grid?
DW: No. They were all Cosworth engined cars.
F1F: What car were you in?
DW: A Tyrell 010.
F1F: So how many cars were on the grid?
DW: Nineteen in all.
F1F: And where did you qualify?
DW: Sixteenth.
F1F: I see. And who was your team-mate?
DW: Eddie Cheever.
F1F: And where did he start from?
DW: Twelfth. But I was only 7/10ths of a second behind him.
F1F: And where did you come in the race?
DW: Well, I didn't finish but I managed 51 laps.
F1F: Why did you stop?
DW: I hit a wall.
F1F: Oh, bad luck. Was that your only GP?
DW: Well, the year before I tried the British Grand Prix at Brands Hatch. I was driving a RAM Williams FW07.
F1F: And where did you qualify?
DW: I didn't. I was 27th.
F1F: Out of . . ?
DW: Twenty seven.
F1F: That's not much of a showing, is it.
DW: Well, neither Jan Lammers nor Keke Rosberg qualified either.
F1F: But they failed to qualify in front of you, is that right?
DW: So?
F1F: So what makes you the most successful woman in Grand Prix motor racing?
DW: I don't like your tone.
F1F: It's better than your record. At least it will shut up the female critics on my website.
- This interview was after Sky pulled out from F1. I subscribed to the final race –
This week's interview is with the person whose job it was to sell Sky's Interactive F1 coverage to the world. It took some time to actually get through to him as no one on the switchboard seemed to know who he was.
F1Ferret: Hello. Can you hear me.? There's an awful lot of background noise.
SM: I'm sorry. They're taking the carpet up.
F1F: Are you getting a new one, then?
SM: No. Any other questions?
F1F: I was wondering if you would agree to an interview?
SM: Well, I'm a bit busy. You see I have to write to all the persons who subscribed to Sky's coverage of the Japanese Grand last season.
F1F: D'you mean a personal letter? Signing each one?
SM: And handwritten. I've got another seven to do.
F1F: Seven? Good heavens, when did you start?
SM: Let's see, it's 8.15 now. I must have started around 12 minutes past.
F1F: How many have you done?
SM: Just the one. I was going to set up a template on a word processor, but it would have taken longer.
F1F: So that makes a grand total of eight, then, who subscribed to Sky's digital package for the Japanese Grand Prix. I assume it didn't make a profit.
SM: So?
F1F: Just asking. How many would you have needed to draw even?
SM: More than eight.
F1F: Just to get this straight, there were more presenters than subscribers. Is that right?
SM: I'm sorry, they want the phone now.
The big interview
F1F: Hello, is that you Ron?
RD: Grunt. (This is normally a good sign)
F1F: It's the Ferret. I've booked an interview with David for my website. Is he there?
RD: Who?
F1F: David. DC.
RD: David Deecee?
F1F: No, D C. David Coulthard.
RD: Who's he?
F1F: What? Are you messing about? David Coulthard. You know, chin, gorgeous girlfriends, bit of a prat.
RD: Never heard of him.
F1F: Yes you have. He's your driver.
RD: What, Kimi?
F1F: No, your other driver.
RD: Other driver? (Calls to someone) Do we have another driver? (Muffled reply.) Oh, yes, Wurz, our test driver. I've actually spoken to him you know, I thought he was Scandinavian. (Another indecipherable murmur) Oh, and I've just been told we've just bought another test driver, as well. What's his name? (Murmur) Where's he from? (Murmur) Oh, is that in the Arctic Circle? (Murmur) Damn.
F1F: No, not them. Your other driver. Christ, he's won Grands Prix for you.
RD: Oh, sorry. Yes, you must think me a bit thick, but it's been a ever so busy round here lately, what with the parties and everything. You see we've won two Grands Prix this season already. I've just realised, you mean Mika of course. But you can't talk to him. He's left me (Sounds of sobbing).
The pips then went and I had no more change.
F1F
This week's telephone interview is, unusually, of the Ferret himself. A manager of a famous GP team condescended to phone him.
RD: Are you that the idiot who calls himself the Ferret?
F1F: Er, why do you ask?
RD: I remember your voice. It was you.
F1F: No, I never use the phone.
RD: You're using it now.
F1F: Well, yes, I suppose you are right. Why? I don't owe you money, do I?
RD: I've read your website. You reckoned I didn't know the names of my drivers.
F1F: You didn't seem to know who DC is.
RD: I did know who he was.
F1F: Was? You're not sacking him, are you.
RD: (Muffled aside) We're not sacking anyone, are we? (Murmur) Colin? Is he one of our drivers? (Murmur). (Louder) You still there?
F1F: Yes.
RD: No, we're not.
F1F: But how come you didn't get him for me when I asked?
RD: I couldn't see him.
F1F: He told me he was right with you, looking up at you with those big puppy eyes of his.
RD: Well, I thought that was Colin.
F1F: Who's Colin.
RD: No-one. I've just sacked him.
F1F: You can't be that familiar with DC if you couldn't tell him from someone else.
RD: They look very alike.
F1F: In what way?
RD: Neither looks Scandinavian.
F1F: Why sack Colin. Did you think he was DC?
RD: No. But things had gone wrong. We had our Interlagos victory taken away and someone had to be blamed.
F1F: Why Colin?
RD: Why not? After all, we’ve now got just the one victory. We’ll all have to work much harder, with the possible exception of Colin. And that other bloke you mentioned. Tracy was it?
Forums | General Motorsport | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff