the nervous guide to blood loss
Discussion
so then....
today was set aside for a 'fun time', pottering around the car and fitting new clear front indicator lenses and stoopid spot-light thingies somewhere out of the way so that they cant be seen, but i can see out with them.
what follows is my guide on how to perform these 'modifications'. Its in two parts. Part A details the necessary actions to complete the tasks. Part B details the actual repercussions of the task.
sitting comfortabley? then i shall begin. i apologise for going on right now, consider this cheap therapy for me, and assited marriage councilling for the wife.
PART A: Fitting clear lenses:
1: Starting on drivers side, jack up car, appoint axle stand, remove alloy, with full lock turned inward to alloy for easier access to area.
2: Remove both upper and lower 'access panels' (ie crudley cut holes).
3: Unsrew and remove brass ring connector that is securing bulb in place.
4: Cut mastic from around indicator lense. Push indicator gently from the front of the car whilst pulling gently from behind the lense. Lense will come free.
5: Replace with new lense and reseal using mastic. Reattach screw brass ring.
6: Reseal access panels and remastic surrounding edges.
7: Replace Alloy, remove axle stand.
8: Repeat on passenger side.
Fitting Spot Lights:
1: Choose appropriate locatiion, prererabley whilst access panel for lights is still removed to allow ease of connection.
2: Attach Bracket.
3: Attach Light to bracket.
4: Wire to loom and then to earth and to high beam terminal on headlights.
5: Adjust declination of beam.
6: Reseal access panels.
&: Check to ensure perfect allignment.
Easy Peasy. Total Job time: 1 hour for both lenses and spots.
PART B: Fitting clear lenses (in the real world):
1: Starting on drivers side, jack up car, appoint axle stand. Remove alloy. Scratch alloy in process. Discover after banging head, cutting shoulder and grazing nose, that full lock turned inward allows easier access to area. Cut hand. total disposable glove usage so far: 2 pairs. Total Swear words: 0.
2: Remove both upper and lower 'access panels' (ie crudley cut holes). Spend twenty minutes prising out high grade screws used by TVR that have become rusty and U/S. Drill out remaining screws that have no discernable phillips or straight head pattern on head due to high quality of materials used.
Upon opening panel below, discover that, brilliantly, the windscreen washer bottle fills the recess where the lens back resides, meaning access is 'tricky'. Decide not to despair, open upper access panel for 'greater visibility'. upon opening panel discover this offers no greater visibility. take photos for chums on PH.
Place hand inside hole to try and relocate washer bottle and find a stanley knife blade left inside. Cut thumb accross middle, dousing passers by in arteriel red spray. Get masking tape and mumify thumb. discover washer bottle can be wriggled, but not moved. decide to 'work around it'. Glove count: 6 pairs. Swear Total: 2 lesser curses.
3: Unsrew and remove brass ring connector that is securing bulb in place. Discover brass ring is encrusted with mastic and dirt and is reluctant to unscrew. Manage after 20 minutes of jiggling about in the dark with newly bloody hand loosing all feeling and cutting forearm on access hole sides. Bulb falls out into well, never to be seen again. Stop taking pictures for chums on PH. Replace gloves. Wish i had a cup of tea. allow bonnet to fall on head as mild breeze passes bonnet stay.Think about swearing.
4: Cut mastic from around indicator lense, after learning to bend wrist both backward and up to navigate around washer bottle. Attempt to find solace in the knowledge that once i get to the passenger side at leats there will be no washer bottle obstructing view or access. Quickly dicover that mastic will not cut. Cut harder. Break three stanley blades and blade of leatherman multitool that is my pride and joy. eventually hack away at mastic long enough to feel that 'sufficeient has been removed'. return to front of car.
Attempt to push indicator gently from the front of the car whilst pulling gently from behind the lense. Lense will NOT come free. Foolishly, with newly numb hands and over zealous frustrated strength, try and prise from the front using tiny screwdriver. chip and crack several areas of the surrounding hole, leaving them now looking dreadful. take 'a moment' to regroup. wish to oneself that i was a smoker. consider starting.
Cut more mastic from inside. get thumb bandage caught on electrical connector, attempt to remove hastily, significantly widen cut and rapidly fill lense with blood. consider leglity of red lenses as they look kind of cool.
Try GENTLY prising again. chip more fibreglass surround as it is all of 1 mm thick and has structural integrity of cheese. lense eventually, reluctantly falls back into recess. Think to myself 'there that wasnt so bad'. Realise 2 hours have passed. think about having a cry.
Glove count: High. Swear Count: imminently high.
Bonnet falls on head again, this time, rather delightfully catching me by surprise as no wind is apparent. decide im cursed.
5: Replace with new lense. lense will not fit in new hole. hack away more old mastic. lense will still not fit flush in hole. continue hacking until lense fits at the cost of 4 more pairs of gloves. attempt to reattach brass fixing ring, discover that the electrical connector has magically grown and there is now not sufficient room to attach to lense. plus lense is most reluctant to screw true and reattach. take a break from these efforts, and attempt to reseal new lense in place using mega fast drying silicon stuff. move onto spotlight job to allow to dry (see below). Return to area after spotlight modification and discover that mastic has not even begun to cure. lose temper. question the existence of God.
Refind that brass ring will not attach. decide to remove lense, and connect to the brass ring first then replace in recess. lense reattaches easily, but bulb will not stay in holder. take apart and fix bulb holder. Replace into recess. with enormous difficulty. eventually find way of getting lense into hole. break wrists.
bang head again. question wisdom of 'modification'. attempt to seal new lense in place, with difficulty due to restricted room in which to work. manage to seal as best as can be achieved in dark, confined space. realise bulb has stopped flashing. remove lense from access area and inspect. discover that both wires inside sleeve are perished. replace wiring with great difficulty as original cable only grants 2cms of flex. reattach lense and reseal.
discover mastic is all over the wings and the bonnet. and the cat. wipe hands. take another 'moment'. Have a Fecking good swear as to my stupidity of wasting my only day off on something totally pointless. Run out of gloves. Run out of swear words.
6: Reseal access panels and remastic surrounding edges. replace old high quality screws with lower quality galvinised ones.
7: Replace Alloy. scratch alloy again.loose wheel bolt. find wheel bolt in garage where ive not been all day. remove axle stand.
8: Repeat on passenger side, happy in the knowledge that there will be no washer bottle. Chip passenger side alloy. spread more mastic on passenger wing. using same rag as been used all day, for every cms wiped up, spread 5 cms more on surrounding area.
9: open access panels. to my delight discover there is no windscreen washer bottle in the way.
To my horror discover fuel pump/ oil cooler in its place, that is twice as awkward to get around due to solid pipes atached at every possible point.
Seriously consider having a cry. Remove upper access panel, and remove mastic from above, recutting thumb and wrist.
10: Remove lense FROM BEHIND ONLY NOT DOING ANY PRISING and replace with new lense, already connected to brass backring.
11: Remastic in place. Reseal Access panels.
12: Clear up tools.
13: Foolishly return to job and discover that even the most wishful of thinking would not consider the new lenses to be a) true or b) liklely to stay in place.
14: Decide to leave it til tommorow when i can get some super glue.
15: Come inside and write lengthy thesis to my chums on PH. without pictures.
Fitting Spot Lights:
1: Choose appropriate location, preferabley whilst access panel for lights is still removed to allow ease of connection. Appropriate location are limited. Two places present themselves, one very Max-Power, one less so. decide on latter choice.
2: Attach Bracket. Bracket cannot be attached. Reshape and retool bracket. Attempt to accatch bracket. discover area does not allow ingress of any form of tools to motivate fixings. decide to approach job from above.
3: decide to remove front fascia to allow access from above. discover that to do this air box and giant air tube thing has to come off. to do this upper valance has to come off. get wet in rain. get bitten by cat.
4: after removing all above fascia, discover that pannels offer no new access. Note that washer bottle pipe is in fact washing machine waste pipe. decide to laugh out loud, much to the surprise of old lady walking dog past me. replace fascia.
5: Eventually manage to attach bracket, with much new swearing. Attach Light to bracket.
6: Wire to loom and then to earth and to high beam terminal on headlights.
7: Adjust declination of beam.Check to ensure perfect allignment. Step back to admire good work.
8: Decide lights look an absolute barrel of w*nk and remove.
9: place lights in garage, never to be looked at again but kept for ever.
Total job time: 6 hours. Total glove count: 1 box. Total swear count: lost fecking count.
you see? easy when you know how.
So then, there you have it. I know the lenses wont stay in, even over night. i question the wisdom of doing this myself. i need a touch up pen and some filler. im fairly confident that i wasted my time learning to be an engineer for 6 years. and given the chance i wouldnt do it again.
but... the lights look quite nice, if a bit mastickey.
now then...a drink, i think.
best wishes,
Nervous.
today was set aside for a 'fun time', pottering around the car and fitting new clear front indicator lenses and stoopid spot-light thingies somewhere out of the way so that they cant be seen, but i can see out with them.
what follows is my guide on how to perform these 'modifications'. Its in two parts. Part A details the necessary actions to complete the tasks. Part B details the actual repercussions of the task.
sitting comfortabley? then i shall begin. i apologise for going on right now, consider this cheap therapy for me, and assited marriage councilling for the wife.
PART A: Fitting clear lenses:
1: Starting on drivers side, jack up car, appoint axle stand, remove alloy, with full lock turned inward to alloy for easier access to area.
2: Remove both upper and lower 'access panels' (ie crudley cut holes).
3: Unsrew and remove brass ring connector that is securing bulb in place.
4: Cut mastic from around indicator lense. Push indicator gently from the front of the car whilst pulling gently from behind the lense. Lense will come free.
5: Replace with new lense and reseal using mastic. Reattach screw brass ring.
6: Reseal access panels and remastic surrounding edges.
7: Replace Alloy, remove axle stand.
8: Repeat on passenger side.
Fitting Spot Lights:
1: Choose appropriate locatiion, prererabley whilst access panel for lights is still removed to allow ease of connection.
2: Attach Bracket.
3: Attach Light to bracket.
4: Wire to loom and then to earth and to high beam terminal on headlights.
5: Adjust declination of beam.
6: Reseal access panels.
&: Check to ensure perfect allignment.
Easy Peasy. Total Job time: 1 hour for both lenses and spots.
PART B: Fitting clear lenses (in the real world):
1: Starting on drivers side, jack up car, appoint axle stand. Remove alloy. Scratch alloy in process. Discover after banging head, cutting shoulder and grazing nose, that full lock turned inward allows easier access to area. Cut hand. total disposable glove usage so far: 2 pairs. Total Swear words: 0.
2: Remove both upper and lower 'access panels' (ie crudley cut holes). Spend twenty minutes prising out high grade screws used by TVR that have become rusty and U/S. Drill out remaining screws that have no discernable phillips or straight head pattern on head due to high quality of materials used.
Upon opening panel below, discover that, brilliantly, the windscreen washer bottle fills the recess where the lens back resides, meaning access is 'tricky'. Decide not to despair, open upper access panel for 'greater visibility'. upon opening panel discover this offers no greater visibility. take photos for chums on PH.
Place hand inside hole to try and relocate washer bottle and find a stanley knife blade left inside. Cut thumb accross middle, dousing passers by in arteriel red spray. Get masking tape and mumify thumb. discover washer bottle can be wriggled, but not moved. decide to 'work around it'. Glove count: 6 pairs. Swear Total: 2 lesser curses.
3: Unsrew and remove brass ring connector that is securing bulb in place. Discover brass ring is encrusted with mastic and dirt and is reluctant to unscrew. Manage after 20 minutes of jiggling about in the dark with newly bloody hand loosing all feeling and cutting forearm on access hole sides. Bulb falls out into well, never to be seen again. Stop taking pictures for chums on PH. Replace gloves. Wish i had a cup of tea. allow bonnet to fall on head as mild breeze passes bonnet stay.Think about swearing.
4: Cut mastic from around indicator lense, after learning to bend wrist both backward and up to navigate around washer bottle. Attempt to find solace in the knowledge that once i get to the passenger side at leats there will be no washer bottle obstructing view or access. Quickly dicover that mastic will not cut. Cut harder. Break three stanley blades and blade of leatherman multitool that is my pride and joy. eventually hack away at mastic long enough to feel that 'sufficeient has been removed'. return to front of car.
Attempt to push indicator gently from the front of the car whilst pulling gently from behind the lense. Lense will NOT come free. Foolishly, with newly numb hands and over zealous frustrated strength, try and prise from the front using tiny screwdriver. chip and crack several areas of the surrounding hole, leaving them now looking dreadful. take 'a moment' to regroup. wish to oneself that i was a smoker. consider starting.
Cut more mastic from inside. get thumb bandage caught on electrical connector, attempt to remove hastily, significantly widen cut and rapidly fill lense with blood. consider leglity of red lenses as they look kind of cool.
Try GENTLY prising again. chip more fibreglass surround as it is all of 1 mm thick and has structural integrity of cheese. lense eventually, reluctantly falls back into recess. Think to myself 'there that wasnt so bad'. Realise 2 hours have passed. think about having a cry.
Glove count: High. Swear Count: imminently high.
Bonnet falls on head again, this time, rather delightfully catching me by surprise as no wind is apparent. decide im cursed.
5: Replace with new lense. lense will not fit in new hole. hack away more old mastic. lense will still not fit flush in hole. continue hacking until lense fits at the cost of 4 more pairs of gloves. attempt to reattach brass fixing ring, discover that the electrical connector has magically grown and there is now not sufficient room to attach to lense. plus lense is most reluctant to screw true and reattach. take a break from these efforts, and attempt to reseal new lense in place using mega fast drying silicon stuff. move onto spotlight job to allow to dry (see below). Return to area after spotlight modification and discover that mastic has not even begun to cure. lose temper. question the existence of God.
Refind that brass ring will not attach. decide to remove lense, and connect to the brass ring first then replace in recess. lense reattaches easily, but bulb will not stay in holder. take apart and fix bulb holder. Replace into recess. with enormous difficulty. eventually find way of getting lense into hole. break wrists.
bang head again. question wisdom of 'modification'. attempt to seal new lense in place, with difficulty due to restricted room in which to work. manage to seal as best as can be achieved in dark, confined space. realise bulb has stopped flashing. remove lense from access area and inspect. discover that both wires inside sleeve are perished. replace wiring with great difficulty as original cable only grants 2cms of flex. reattach lense and reseal.
discover mastic is all over the wings and the bonnet. and the cat. wipe hands. take another 'moment'. Have a Fecking good swear as to my stupidity of wasting my only day off on something totally pointless. Run out of gloves. Run out of swear words.
6: Reseal access panels and remastic surrounding edges. replace old high quality screws with lower quality galvinised ones.
7: Replace Alloy. scratch alloy again.loose wheel bolt. find wheel bolt in garage where ive not been all day. remove axle stand.
8: Repeat on passenger side, happy in the knowledge that there will be no washer bottle. Chip passenger side alloy. spread more mastic on passenger wing. using same rag as been used all day, for every cms wiped up, spread 5 cms more on surrounding area.
9: open access panels. to my delight discover there is no windscreen washer bottle in the way.
To my horror discover fuel pump/ oil cooler in its place, that is twice as awkward to get around due to solid pipes atached at every possible point.
Seriously consider having a cry. Remove upper access panel, and remove mastic from above, recutting thumb and wrist.
10: Remove lense FROM BEHIND ONLY NOT DOING ANY PRISING and replace with new lense, already connected to brass backring.
11: Remastic in place. Reseal Access panels.
12: Clear up tools.
13: Foolishly return to job and discover that even the most wishful of thinking would not consider the new lenses to be a) true or b) liklely to stay in place.
14: Decide to leave it til tommorow when i can get some super glue.
15: Come inside and write lengthy thesis to my chums on PH. without pictures.
Fitting Spot Lights:
1: Choose appropriate location, preferabley whilst access panel for lights is still removed to allow ease of connection. Appropriate location are limited. Two places present themselves, one very Max-Power, one less so. decide on latter choice.
2: Attach Bracket. Bracket cannot be attached. Reshape and retool bracket. Attempt to accatch bracket. discover area does not allow ingress of any form of tools to motivate fixings. decide to approach job from above.
3: decide to remove front fascia to allow access from above. discover that to do this air box and giant air tube thing has to come off. to do this upper valance has to come off. get wet in rain. get bitten by cat.
4: after removing all above fascia, discover that pannels offer no new access. Note that washer bottle pipe is in fact washing machine waste pipe. decide to laugh out loud, much to the surprise of old lady walking dog past me. replace fascia.
5: Eventually manage to attach bracket, with much new swearing. Attach Light to bracket.
6: Wire to loom and then to earth and to high beam terminal on headlights.
7: Adjust declination of beam.Check to ensure perfect allignment. Step back to admire good work.
8: Decide lights look an absolute barrel of w*nk and remove.
9: place lights in garage, never to be looked at again but kept for ever.
Total job time: 6 hours. Total glove count: 1 box. Total swear count: lost fecking count.
you see? easy when you know how.
So then, there you have it. I know the lenses wont stay in, even over night. i question the wisdom of doing this myself. i need a touch up pen and some filler. im fairly confident that i wasted my time learning to be an engineer for 6 years. and given the chance i wouldnt do it again.
but... the lights look quite nice, if a bit mastickey.
now then...a drink, i think.
best wishes,
Nervous.
yes, you can. but none of the indicators cos ive made that much of a mess that im actually embarressed. If you could see my haircut youd know what a significant statement that is. gonna touch up the areas i scuffed and make sure the seal is good then ill post pics of the finsihed article.
and actually, now i know how, the job is pretty easy and doesnt even require pictorial assistance. its just all the other crap in the way thats annoying. oh yes and the heath robinson way in which our cars are made. and the razor sharp edges. and the mastic that does exactly the opposite of what it says on the tin. and now that i know the lenses go BACK into the recess, rather than my intial thoughts of forward away from the valance that helps a lot too.
shheeesh, wot a donut.
and actually, now i know how, the job is pretty easy and doesnt even require pictorial assistance. its just all the other crap in the way thats annoying. oh yes and the heath robinson way in which our cars are made. and the razor sharp edges. and the mastic that does exactly the opposite of what it says on the tin. and now that i know the lenses go BACK into the recess, rather than my intial thoughts of forward away from the valance that helps a lot too.
shheeesh, wot a donut.
....brillant, very funny, very true!....think this thread needs to put into the FAQ's.....How do you change your indicator lenes?....answer....DONT!! 
You mean you didn't go and buy the "Instant clear indicator lens spray" ?
I laughed and cried when reading
see http://members.rennlist.com/xdecman for therapy
I laughed and cried when reading
see http://members.rennlist.com/xdecman for therapy
hey thanks satman. im glad i made you laugh 
phil, seriously, the spots looked godawful. if you want to see a picture of them, ill go outside and take a picture of them on my garage floor, where interestingly, they look much better suited. my hopes werent high, but i really thought that id be able to hide them sufficiently to allow 'invisible/ visible' function. but really, they made the car look like a nova. a nova 'swing' at that.
Crowning glory or proof needed? the bod from up the road who drives his escort bucket with a wheelybin nailed where the exhaust should be up and down outside my house at about a squillion miles an hour, stopped and said 'nice lights mate, where d'you get em? reckon theyd look smart on here'. Silently i switched my socket from 'do up' to 'undo' and put them back in the box. nuff said n'es pas?
STOP PRESS: despite heavy dew, lights appear to have stayed in over night. However, i darent start the car for fear of vibration loosening.Am now gonna walk the eight miles to the shop to buy a paper and some cat food.
if you see a slightly haggered man by the roadside sobbing gently and muttering the word 'modification' and laughing in that demented scary way that classic bond villains do, dont stop, youll only regret it.
>> Edited by nervous on Sunday 13th March 11:40
phil, seriously, the spots looked godawful. if you want to see a picture of them, ill go outside and take a picture of them on my garage floor, where interestingly, they look much better suited. my hopes werent high, but i really thought that id be able to hide them sufficiently to allow 'invisible/ visible' function. but really, they made the car look like a nova. a nova 'swing' at that.
Crowning glory or proof needed? the bod from up the road who drives his escort bucket with a wheelybin nailed where the exhaust should be up and down outside my house at about a squillion miles an hour, stopped and said 'nice lights mate, where d'you get em? reckon theyd look smart on here'. Silently i switched my socket from 'do up' to 'undo' and put them back in the box. nuff said n'es pas?
STOP PRESS: despite heavy dew, lights appear to have stayed in over night. However, i darent start the car for fear of vibration loosening.Am now gonna walk the eight miles to the shop to buy a paper and some cat food.
if you see a slightly haggered man by the roadside sobbing gently and muttering the word 'modification' and laughing in that demented scary way that classic bond villains do, dont stop, youll only regret it.
>> Edited by nervous on Sunday 13th March 11:40
dont do it man. were friends right? then from one friend to another, save yourself the time and spend 6 hours wrestling with a maternally outraged orang-utan instead. beleive me, itll be infinitley more comfortable, and you never know she may even cuddle you afterwards.
they do like kinda cool though.... i think...
now, wheres that Orang-utan?
they do like kinda cool though.... i think...
now, wheres that Orang-utan?
OH YES!!! STOP STOP STOP PRESS:
i went for a quick hoon (well, why not?) and THE LENSES ONLY BLOODY STAYED IN!!! Check. Me. Out. I am awesome!! >insert pause to undertake quick bout of 'i am awesome' dance < thats right ladies, form a queue to kiss the face of genius.
so, as a result, business minded soul that i am, im thinking of setting myself up as an independant specialist... what do you folks think to "Nervous Motors- No Job too Small, Most Jobs MUCH Too Large"?
Plus, if i set myself up in Diss, under the 'contact me' section on my website, i could write 'Nervous: Diss;Position'. worth it for that gag alone, i think youll agree.
i went for a quick hoon (well, why not?) and THE LENSES ONLY BLOODY STAYED IN!!! Check. Me. Out. I am awesome!! >insert pause to undertake quick bout of 'i am awesome' dance < thats right ladies, form a queue to kiss the face of genius.
so, as a result, business minded soul that i am, im thinking of setting myself up as an independant specialist... what do you folks think to "Nervous Motors- No Job too Small, Most Jobs MUCH Too Large"?
Plus, if i set myself up in Diss, under the 'contact me' section on my website, i could write 'Nervous: Diss;Position'. worth it for that gag alone, i think youll agree.
so then, in the tradition of bid-up tv and of course, its higher quality sister channel, babecast tv, im prepared to now post pics of my handiwork. but only to serious viewers.
so gang if i get 12 posts with the words 'nerv, youre a handsome genius' ill post 'em.
and if i get 13, the wife will take off her bra.
and if i get 14, she'll put it back on.
c'mon gang, i reeeeally wanna see those fingers. you know you wanna
so gang if i get 12 posts with the words 'nerv, youre a handsome genius' ill post 'em.
and if i get 13, the wife will take off her bra.
and if i get 14, she'll put it back on.
c'mon gang, i reeeeally wanna see those fingers. you know you wanna
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