Discussion
It is time we had a joke or two around here 
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"I have no idea." said the stranger.
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"I have no idea." said the stranger.
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
The next day little johnny was out for a drive with his Dad and whilst going along a long winding stretch they were stuck behind a car that kept swerving all over the place - it seemed the male & female occupants were having some kind of major argument. anyway.. a few miles along and this couple in front are still arguing until all of a sudden she's obviously severed a certain vital part of his anatomy & flung it out the window after which it's bounced off the windscreen of Johnny's Dad's car...
"WOW said little Johnny.. what was that Dad??" he exclaimed. Trying to think quickly of an innocent response for his 6 year old son, the best dad could come up with was.. "Oh... it was one of those Dragonflies you get in the countryside this time of year".
With a bit of a suprised look on his face Johnny quickly replied.. "Cool Dad, but did you see the size of the dick on it!"
"WOW said little Johnny.. what was that Dad??" he exclaimed. Trying to think quickly of an innocent response for his 6 year old son, the best dad could come up with was.. "Oh... it was one of those Dragonflies you get in the countryside this time of year".
With a bit of a suprised look on his face Johnny quickly replied.. "Cool Dad, but did you see the size of the dick on it!"
So..Little Johnny has grown up and one day as his father was passing by his son's bedroom he was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 18, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love,
Your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the dent in your new car. Call when it is safe for me to come home.
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 18, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love,
Your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the dent in your new car. Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Edited by silentmonkey on Friday 17th November 14:05
Back when he was in school, keen lil Johnny fancied himself as a bit of a wordsmith so he was very eager to participate when the teacher said "today I'm going to name some difficult words & I want you to give me an example of where you have heard them used in a sentence".
Anyway, the first word the teacher offers the class is CONTRADICT and before Johnny has had a chance to pick his grotty little nose, young smartypants Mary in the front row shoots her hand up... "Miss, Miss.. CONTRADICT... I was at church last week with Mum & Dad & the preist said in his sermon "Many things in life may seem to contradict what we read in the word of the Lord", and I remember it really well Miss, ..CONTRADICT".
"Well done Mary, you get another gold star" says the teacher, as Johnny is cursing to himself "phuckin smart arse lil bitch". The teacher then presses on with a few more fancy words & Johnny is feeling a bit dejected until she says... "OK class, the last word is CONTAGIOUS.." and before she's finished her sentence Johnny's memory kicks in & bang, up goes his hand.. "Miss, Miss, Miss, Miss.. I know that one Miss, Miss, Miss!". The teacher is a bit shocked that the young chav wannabe is getting involved but thinks the best & gives him a go...
"CONTAGIOUS. Well, Mum was driving Dad home from the boozer last week & I was in the back causing trouble as usual when all of a sudden, the car screeched to a halt. We had nearly hit a truck loaded up with apples, that had swerved across the road & sent fruit flying all over the place. Dad woke up with a shock, looked out the window & cursed, "Jesus Christ, its gonna take that contagious to pick up all those f**kin apples", ...CONTAGIOUS Miss."
Anyway, the first word the teacher offers the class is CONTRADICT and before Johnny has had a chance to pick his grotty little nose, young smartypants Mary in the front row shoots her hand up... "Miss, Miss.. CONTRADICT... I was at church last week with Mum & Dad & the preist said in his sermon "Many things in life may seem to contradict what we read in the word of the Lord", and I remember it really well Miss, ..CONTRADICT".
"Well done Mary, you get another gold star" says the teacher, as Johnny is cursing to himself "phuckin smart arse lil bitch". The teacher then presses on with a few more fancy words & Johnny is feeling a bit dejected until she says... "OK class, the last word is CONTAGIOUS.." and before she's finished her sentence Johnny's memory kicks in & bang, up goes his hand.. "Miss, Miss, Miss, Miss.. I know that one Miss, Miss, Miss!". The teacher is a bit shocked that the young chav wannabe is getting involved but thinks the best & gives him a go...
"CONTAGIOUS. Well, Mum was driving Dad home from the boozer last week & I was in the back causing trouble as usual when all of a sudden, the car screeched to a halt. We had nearly hit a truck loaded up with apples, that had swerved across the road & sent fruit flying all over the place. Dad woke up with a shock, looked out the window & cursed, "Jesus Christ, its gonna take that contagious to pick up all those f**kin apples", ...CONTAGIOUS Miss."
Edited by hsvgtscoupe on Friday 17th November 16:10
...but I remember when lil Johnny was in primary school & he arrived home one day & his mum asked how his day had been. "Well" said Johnny, "Miss took us for a nature walk &, first of all, we went through a farmyard & we saw a pig, & we saw a cow & we saw some ducks & some chickens - then we went through to a field & saw some f**kers"!!!! Johnny's mum took a step backward in astonishment..."What?"
Lil johnny said "...well, Miss called the 'effers...but we knew what she meant"!!!
Lil johnny said "...well, Miss called the 'effers...but we knew what she meant"!!!
Edited by Paul.H. on Friday 17th November 18:10
A Young man called Johnny wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long, he decided
after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the
right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair
of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for
herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the
sister got the gloves and Johnny got the knickers. Without checking Johnny
sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings If it had not been for your sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are
easier to remove,
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and
shiny, In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing
them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love
Johnny.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of
fur showing.
I remember when lil Johnny first started Primary School. The teacher told the class, "You are in big school now and we do not talk 'baby talk' in the classroom”. She then said “When I point to you, stand, tell me your name, and something you did this summer."
The first child stood, "My name is Jackie, I visited my Nana." The teacher said "That's great, but from now on we will say grandmother. There is no 'baby talk' in the big school."
The second child stood, "My name is Regina. I rode a choo choo this summer." The teacher replied, "That's good, but from now on we will say train. Remember, no 'baby talk' in big school."
Then Johnny stood, "My name is Johnny and I read a book this summer." The teacher replied, "That's wonderful Johnny! What book did you read?"
Johnny started to reply, "Winnie the …… Winnie the ……..” and not wanting to sound babyish he thought and proudly said “Winnie the Shit miss."
The first child stood, "My name is Jackie, I visited my Nana." The teacher said "That's great, but from now on we will say grandmother. There is no 'baby talk' in the big school."
The second child stood, "My name is Regina. I rode a choo choo this summer." The teacher replied, "That's good, but from now on we will say train. Remember, no 'baby talk' in big school."
Then Johnny stood, "My name is Johnny and I read a book this summer." The teacher replied, "That's wonderful Johnny! What book did you read?"
Johnny started to reply, "Winnie the …… Winnie the ……..” and not wanting to sound babyish he thought and proudly said “Winnie the Shit miss."
Forum | HSV & Monaro | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff