When the current Nissan Almera is replaced by a new and quite possibly
improved model, I doubt very much that I will notice. My brain will
subconsciously filter out any article accompanied by pictures of a likely
looking suspect, to save me from falling asleep and possibly drooling on a more
important neighbouring news item. And that's fine with me, as I'm pretty certain
that no Almera will ever have a significant impact on my motoring life.
There are plenty more cars that fit comfortably into this category too –
step forward Corolla, Lanos, Satria, Stilo... Not a wink of sleep lost. What
does keep me awake, though, is that a one-time great is teetering dangerously
close to joining them in this pit of anonymity: the Golf.
Don't
get me wrong, the Golf is, and will no doubt continue to be, a fine car. But not
all that long ago, Golf launches were not only of interest to What Car? readers
wishing to compare the car they can afford to this revered benchmark; they were
also a cue for keen petrolheads to remain alert too, because, to us, a new Golf
meant something else: a new GTI.
Yet with an all-new Golf due from VW later this year, I don't hear
affordable-performance seekers being encouraged to defer taking out that loan
for a couple of months. Nor do I notice owners of supposed rival machines
preparing the case for the defence in the event that their chosen must-have
hot-hatch-of-the-moment gets elbowed from its pedestal.
There's just no buzz. And if you have a guess at what we can expect from the
forthcoming Mark 5 Golf, it's easy to see why: it's all so painfully
predictable... It will look pretty much the same as ever, just bigger; like a
photograph of the out-going model taken through a fisheye lens. To the untrained
eye, the GTI will remain indistinguishable from a specced-up 1.6, but for the
matter of an inch or two of alloy. Which has a certain irony given that, in the
UK at least, many of those GTIs that do get noticed are likely to be cynically
marketed lowly impostors, wearing the same three letters, but sporting
distinctly unsporty power-plants.
For those broad of mind or strong of principle, there will be the obligatory
brace of sprightly diesel alternatives – each one taking a few too many
letters and numbers to qualify it – but any engine that sounds even remotely
capable of hauling this bigger-than-ever car along at a pace likely to worry
heart muscles will be a good six years away. To ice the insult cake, the entire
range will be handicapped with suspension that's a bit on the soggy side –
what your non-driving friend would call "comfortable".
Meanwhile, the reviews, although containing admirable amounts of admiration,
will feature the word "sensible" a little too frequently for anyone
with no children. And you can be sure that no Golf 5 will ever come higher than
second in any group test.
So, in a nutshell, no nasty shocks; no pleasant surprises. Just the same old
same old, all brought a little bit more up to date. Smart, competent,
inoffensive.
This, even despite talk that VW is keen to create distinctive models to
reverse declining sales and to avoid overlap with other marques under the VAG
umbrella. So desperate, in fact, that VW's Head of Unpronounceable Surnames,
Bernd Pischetsrieder, has hinted that the next Lupo may even feature gullwing
doors. (Insert your own sentence including the words "Peugeot Sesame"
and "knee-jerk" here.)
But, for now at least, the Golf is the one model where Volkswagen doesn't
need to strive to be innovative. Its long-established reputation ensures that it
will sell like home-made carrot cake in a National Trust coffee shop just as
long as VW doesn't give us a reason to not buy it. Even for the GTI there's no
incentive to produce something that would give the estranged enthusiast cause
for a second glance. Every sale won in the competitive and fickle enthusiasts'
market would be three lost to peroxide blonde ladies in their early forties who
insist on wearing their £250 sunglasses whenever they are behind the wheel,
whatever the weather.
Yet with other brands closing the gap in terms of quality, reputation and
image – not to mention opening up a comfortable lead in terms of driving
thrills – how much longer can VW afford to keep playing the same hand for the
Golf and its halo-creating GTI?
By the time of the Mk6, with an appearance no doubt as familiar as your own
face in the bathroom mirror, and the credibility earned from the unchallenged
adulution of the critics a good 20 years past its sell-by date, will the public
be ready to consign VW's once mighty GTI to the also-ran hot-hatch ranks
alongside the likes of Fiat, Vauxhall and MG? Only time will tell. Assuming we
even notice.
www.SelfMadeJournalist.com
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