Let's start with a likely futile plea for you not to hate your correspondent much by the end of the next three paragraphs. Because Bentley launches are a bit special.
Our helicopter pilot has the unimprovable name of Thor Eagle. Normally Thor flies people and stuff to and from the oil rigs that keep Norway's economy rich enough to buy so many Teslas, but today he's an airborne chauffeur, ferrying me - and a gang of equally scuzzy journos - from Alesund airport to the very, very nice hotel Bentley has laid on for our stay.
Just in case you missed the new wheels
Thor is a man of few words, but the dinky six-seat Eurocopter AS350 he's flying must feel like a Caterham next to some of the big rigs he normally pilots, and he certainly seems to be enjoying himself. We take a very scenic route, complete with low passes over mountain peaks, a couple of high-G turns and then an inch perfect landing onto a tiny helipad, executed sideways, that leaves the tips of the rotor blades swishing just feet from surrounding forest.
The hotel is just as special. Maybe more so; apparently it's one of Bill Gates' favourite places to get away from it all when the stress of being the world's second richest man gets too much. We arrive to be told the head chef is personally preparing a special menu for dinner, which will be served immediately after the champagne reception. Then tomorrow we'll have the Continental range to choose from and one of Europe's nicest roads to make a dynamic assessment. Bentley has even arranged for a stretch to be closed off and turned into what is basically a private rally stage.
Wrong part of Scandinavia, I know - but this really does feel like the full Carlsberg.
V8 S may still be pick of the range
Yet here's the strange thing - even Bentley admits that the 2016 Continental that we're here to drive is barely any different from the 2015 iteration, which was itself only microscopically altered from the 2014. We're here to learn about some new exterior colours, a natty set of optional asymmetric alloys and the fact the W12 engine now features selective cylinder deactivation, boosting its official combined to a dizzying 20mpg. Oh, the front bumper has been very slightly redesigned as well, and the W12 gains an extra 15hp, pretty much a rounding error given its official output.
We're clearly here to be given a tantalising glance at the lifestyle of the imagined typical Bentley owner as much as we are to learn anything new about the cars.
Full disclosure
The mechanically unchanged V8 S is a good place to start. In the price lists it stands out as an irrational choice - at £149,800 it's just £700 cheaper than the W12 but with 62hp less and four fewer cylinders. But it might actually be the pick of the range, with the slightly tuned-up version of the twin-turbocharged Audi V8 suiting the car particularly well.
V8 revvier than W12 and sounds fabulous
You're certainly not going to feel short changed for having gone for the S over the W12. The V8 engine sounds nicer, revs fractionally harder and delivers just as much real world pace. This corner of Norway features lots of tunnels, giving plenty of chances to crack open a window to catch both the yowling top-end and what sounds like a small arms crackle on the overrun. As before, the eight-speed auto shifts intelligently when left to its own devices and quickly enough when you decide to deliver instruction yourself. The metal gearchange paddles have also gained a knurled finish, and I found myself swapping gears manually just because these feel so nice.
Even as the lighter, sportier V8 S the Continental still feels big and heavy, although mostly in a good way. This is definitely a car that does what it says on the tin, as a continent-devouring grand tourer rather than a sports car. On some of the tight-fitting mountain roads you're intensely aware of the Conti's mass and bulk. There is lots of grip and a willingness to stick to a line - even in the sodden conditions we ended up driving the car in - but there's no sense of lightness when you up the pace, no hint of the car wanting to hitch up its skirts or move around on the power. As always, the four-wheel drive system is tasked with delivering total traction. You can cover ground impressively quickly in a Continental, but it's definitely a feudal relationship. You tell the car what you expect and, like a determined butler, it does the necessary, but never tries to engage you in matey feedback.
Speed remains an apt moniker
Time to swap into the Speed, and a car finished in a particularly menacing shade called Spectre Black. Rational arguments become harder to make the further you climb up the Continental range, but there's still an unarguable appeal to the idea of this fullest-fat version, complete with 626hp and a claimed 206mph top speed.
The W12 engine still delivers big character and bigger performance, especially when unleashed. But in other areas it's starting to feel its age, with 14 years having now passed since Volkswagen introduced it. For all the sound and fury the W12 is capable of delivering at full throttle there's still a noticeable delay at low revs as the turbos spool up and the engine's internals gather momentum. It can't match the V8's soundtrack, either, with a bass-heavy thrum that never quite harmonises into the S's spine-tingling howl. The Speed's sports exhausts also mean that it doesn't get the selective cylinder shut-down of the standard W12 as apparently its catalysts would cool down too much.
Still, a blast down the section of road that Bentley has arranged to be closed off for us does confirm the W12 can still be hustled along at a serious pace, although trying to turn the map display of the navigation screen into pace notes probably isn't the most Bentley appropriate idea.
Plan was for a sunny drive in this...
Finally, a chance to have a go in the W12 GT Convertible. The weather has turned to torrential rain - a Bentley meteorologist is probably standing in front of a firing squad somewhere nearby - meaning that there's no chance of taking the roof down.
But as always the Convertible feels snug and cosy unconverted, and beyond the slight sensation of flex over rougher road surfaces you really don't lose much over the Coupe beyond the need to find an extra £15,000 to lose the roof. Although officially 45hp shy of the Speed, the standard W12 doesn't feel noticeably lacking on the road. Cylinder deactivation sounds like the answer to a completely unasked question - any Conti buyers who are really worried about fuel economy should select the V8 - but it's impossible to notice it happening. On light loads the engine will switch off one bank to become, in effect, a very narrow-angle V6; after 55 seconds of this both banks will be run together for three seconds, and then the first bank will be deactivated and the other turned on - again, all necessary to keep the catalysts hot.
The elephant in the room
Despite a very heavy facelift back in 2013 the Continental is an increasingly old car, and one that's starting to feel its age especially in W12 engined form. Yet it's probably the car in current production that comes closest to delivering on the traditional recipe of a Grand Tourer. As always, it's an enormously likeable car, and one that's success is underwritten by the fact it is selling in increasing numbers as Bentley expands its global reach. But although it's been fun to be a pretend Bentley owner for a day, what will be really intriguing is to see how Bentley manages to move the next Continental on without losing the charm of this one.
BENTLEY CONTINENTAL GT V8 S
Engine: 3,993cc twin-turbo V8
Transmission: 8-speed auto, four-wheel drive
Power (hp): 528@6,000rpm
Torque (lb ft): 502@1,700rpm
0-62mph: 4.5 sec
Top speed: 192mph
Weight: 2,295kg
MPG: 26.7mpg (NEDC combined)
CO2: 246g/km
Price: £149,800
BENTLEY CONTINENTAL GT SPEED
Engine: 5,998cc twin-turbo W12
Transmission: 8-speed auto, four-wheel drive
Power (hp): 635@6,000rpm
Torque (lb ft): 607@2,000rpm
0-62mph: 4.2 sec
Top speed: 206mph
Weight: 2,320kg
MPG: 19.4mpg (NEDC combined)
CO2: 338g/km
Price: £168,300
BENTLEY CONTINENTAL GT CONVERTIBLE
Engine: 5,998cc twin-turbo W12
Transmission: 8-speed auto, four-wheel drive
Power (hp): 590@6,000rpm
Torque (lb ft): 531@2,000rpm
0-62mph: 4.7 sec
Top speed: 196mph
Weight: 2,495kg (!)
MPG: 19.9mpg (NEDC combined)
CO2: 330g/km
Price: £165,600