Staples2Naples 2005

Paul Borge reports on his 'drive a £100 car to Naples' adventure

By PH Staff / Thursday, 6 October 2005 / Loading comments

This van made to Naples -- and back

Well for anyone that’s been wondering for the past 2 weeks what happened to those “misguided fools in the Transit”, we only went and made it to Naples and back! Good thing we hadn’t expected a luxurious and fast pan-continental journey either, because it proved to be the most gruelling challenge either of us had ever undertaken in a motor vehicle.

We met all the rally teams in the car park of the Cité de l'Europe in Calais, first thing Friday morning. Finally it was the exciting start we’d been waiting for, with Dukes of Hazard and Godfather themed horns blazing! As promised beforehand, the organisers quickly established “the world’s biggest pikey car park” – bar the caravans, washing lines and the obligatory dog-on-a-string. The rest of the day involved reaching Switzerland in one piece, which took us some 12 hours in the Tranny at the Veyron-rivalling top speed of 85mph.

What quickly became clear on day one was that; a) petrol Transit vans have the appetite for unleaded of a Porsche 911 even when un-laden; b) petrol Transit vans have the torque of one of those little toys made out of a rubber band and cotton reel that everyone over 40 used to play with; and c) people with Mio DigiWalker satnav devices actually know where they’re going.

Day two

Day two of the rally involved some of the best roads in the world – a series of Alpine passes including the Oberpasse, Fulka and Berninha. A good number of our competitors even squeezed Stelvio into the day, but after spending every uphill section of the journey at 10mph in first gear we decided to give it a miss, especially as it was pitch black by that point. Still, we enjoyed amazingly clear roads for the entire day, despite the two-mile traffic jam that strangely seemed to follow us everywhere. Our lesson for the day? You really can heel-and-toe a petrol Transit and get the rear end out on downhill hairpins – just make sure you tie down all the passengers and luggage as there’s a reason Ohlins don’t make leaf springs.

The final couple of days were, fortunately, more about fun than just driving, featuring a Clint Eastwood-themed watergun fight and rural treasure hunt respectively. However, as expected, the punishing mileage began to take its toll on many of the vehicles over the final two days, killing them off one at a time in far flung parts of the Italian countryside. Rest assured though -- those that had led good lives will be re-incarnated as shift paddles for Ferrari F430s, while anything made by Austin or British Leyland will end up in the fiery pits of hell -- as interior trim for Fiats.

Turn it round and...

And, as promised to our fellow PHers, when we finally dragged our sorry looking van into the urban sprawl that is Naples, we didn’t head to the scrap yard. Instead, we celebrated the first 1,500 miles, thereby sidestepping the need to make the all-important distinction between finding a scrap yard and confusing it with any other south Italian car park.

Yes, in a feat of bravery not seen since Ice Cold in Alex, we turned the van around and headed back for London in a non-stop, demanding and at some points painful epic. Stopping only to refuel, rotate drivers and wince at the Reddie Brek glow emitted by the manifold, we made it back to London in just 25 hours, including the ferry crossing to Dover.

We’re awaiting confirmation from Guinness, but we’re pretty confident of our claim to the title of “Most idiotic journey undertaken in the most inappropriate vehicle”.

We'd love to do it again!

Would we do it again? In a perverse way, yes we would, but probably not for a very, very long time (about 12 months to be precise…)! Oh, and we raised over £2,000 for the Christina Noble Childrens Foundation. Just slightly more than our fuel bill…